I call this issue “Spouse From Hell Syndrome”. There you are at work, assisting people with their glasses, and a couple comes in with a problem. The wife has the problem, but the husband speaks for her and she doesn’t say a word.

Husband: “There’s something wrong with her glasses; she can’t see with them.”

I smile at the wife.

Me: “Okay. What do you use them for?”

Husband: “She’s meant to use them for reading, but she can’t.”

Me: “Okay. I’ll look them over.”

I check the fit and check the lenses against the prescription given. The husband starts huffing and shifting impatiently.

Me: “Everything looks correct as to the prescription.”

I then whip out a reading card.

Husband: “I already said she can’t read with those. We want some she can read with!”

Me: “Yes, I am working through all the checks I have to make, sir. I want to pinpoint the issue here.”

Husband: “ARE YOU STUPID?! SHE CAN’T READ WITH THESE!”

I ask the wife various questions, but I am drawing a blank all the way! She can see the print perfectly at a distance suitable to read from. Then, I ask her to read out the bottom line. And she can’t.

Because she cannot read. She was never taught.

The irate husband is by now shrieking at me:

Husband: “The ads are misleading! THEY SAY YOU CAN READ CLOSE UP!”

Me: “The true name for reading glasses is ‘near vision glasses’. The words ‘reading glasses’ only apply if the person can already read!”

The man stomped out with his wife in tow. She never said a word.

I had that happen three times in a ten-year career.

My husband and I recently set up our new bed, including a new bed frame. Our old frame was wooden, while this one is metal, and we have both been stubbing or catching our toes on the edges of the frame.

Hubby: “I have an idea about what to do about the new bed frame! We could get rubber caps to put on the feet…”

Me: “…which would protect both our toes and the floor. Good idea, honey!”

Hubby: “Then, we could wrap the legs and the edges of the frame in yarn! Lots of yarn!”

Me: *Stares in wife*

Hubby: “No? Bad idea?”

Me: “Sweetie, stop and think about what Otis would do to that for a moment.”

Hubby: “Right! We have cats!”

I decided to play a prank on my wife. I had my daughter bury me under a huge pile of leaves and then popped up out of it as she strolled up the driveway, making her jump ten feet in the air.

It was a good laugh until a man who had been walking past and witnessed it objected.

Man: “Dude, that was f****** stupid! What if she’d pulled out a gun that she’d bought unbeknownst to you and shot you dead on reflex?”

Me: *Pauses* “Why in the h*** would my wife of twenty-three years be secretly buying firearms behind my back and carrying them on her person — which is illegal, if you know anything about guns and the law?”

Wife: “Not to mention shooting someone for startling them?!”

Man: “Lots of women out there have guns their spouses don’t know about. This is America, in case you forgot.”

Me: “Yeah, and it’s morons like you that make it embarrassing rather than something to be proud of!”

A customer comes up to my till with a few items including a six-pack of beer. As I am about to scan it:

Customer: “Actually, I need to drink less. Can I put that to the side?”

Me: “Sure!”

I put the beer aside and continue scanning. A woman comes up to join him and is staring daggers at me.

Female Customer: “What did you say to him?!”

Me: “Pardon me, ma’am?”

Female Customer: “Stop talking to my man! You can’t have him!” *Turns to him* “What did she say to you?! Was she trying to get your number?!”

Customer: “Uh, no. I was just getting her to put aside the beers.”

She stares at him and then at me. I hold up the beers to prove his story.

Female Customer: “So, you’re giving other women drinks now?! Don’t come home tonight.”

And with that, she storms out. The customer is left behind with the face of a man who has seen this kind of scene play out a few times before.

Customer: “Let me get those beers after all. If I’m going to be in the doghouse tonight, at least I won’t be sober!”

My husband and I travel together for work. I have to come home for some reason, though we don’t tell anyone I am coming back. I am sitting in my living room when I hear my front door unlock and open. My mother-in-law’s voice comes down the hall, but I can’t make out what she’s saying.

Me: “Hello?”

Mother-In-Law: “JESUS CHRIST!”

I meet her just inside the door, holding hands with a man who is not her husband. She drops his hand and stares at me.

Mother-In-Law: “What are you doing here?”

Me: “Well… this is my house. What are you doing here?”

Mother-In-Law: *Smiling* “Just making sure everything is okay. Since you’re supposed to be gone.”

Me: “We didn’t ask you to check in. Who is this?”

Mother-In-Law: “Don’t worry about it. We’re leaving.”

I called my husband later and described the man. He didn’t know who it was, so he called his dad. His dad knew who he was — the man [Mother-In-Law] swore she was not having an affair with.

When he filed for divorce and kicked her out, she tried to move in with us. According to her, the divorce was MY fault.

We changed the lock and got a video doorbell.

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