I have quite severe Asperger’s and also social anxiety and paranoia. Because of this, I’m usually wearing headphones and listening to music to block out environmental noise.

I’m in a shop where I’m friends with one of the few staff members that don’t mind that I’m “weird,” and we have some running jokes such as where we pretend to chat each other up in an obviously jokey manner. We are both in relationships.

Friend: “See you later, babe.”

Me: “You know it.”

The customer behind me speaks to my friend.

Customer: “I can’t believe you have to put up with r****ds like him.”

Friend: “My friend, you mean?”

The customer is taken aback by the fact she’s defending me.

Customer: *Pointing to me* “Yeah, him. You’re obviously funny in the head and probably spend all day playing with knives and will one day snap and end up killing people.”

Me: “Probably, and if I do, who do you think I’m coming after first?”

Customer: “See, he just threatened to kill me! I want him thrown out of the store.”

Friend: “Sorry, I didn’t hear anything; these tills are very loud.”

Customer: “Right, I’m having him arrested. I’m calling the police, and you’ll be fired, too.”

Me: “There are several security cameras on this till and half a dozen witnesses who have seen you commit several acts of disability discrimination and behave aggressively to both other customers and staff. What will you tell them exactly?”

Customer: “Well, uh, you’re just an idiot that probably talks to the voices in his head.”

Me: “That’s right, and right now nine out of the ten voices in my head are telling me to advise you to sleep with one eye open.”

The customer storms out.

Friend: “And the tenth voice?”

Me: “It says I want pizza.”

I overhear this at a convenience store.

Boy: “Hey, sis, can I ask you a riddle?”

The teenager beside him shrugs.

Boy: “What always goes down but never goes up?”

Sister: “Your grades.”

Boy: *Dejected* “I hate that you are correct.”

For those curious, the proper answer was “rain.”

I’m coming into the store where I work to get some groceries. A guy is hassling my boss about an e-cig that won’t take a charge.

Boss: “Sir, we can’t give you a replacement because it’s no longer in stock.”

Customer: “I have fifty-thousand subs on my blog and I’ll make sure they don’t shop at the store anymore!”

I chime in.

Me: “This location has been open since the 1960s and will probably be around long after he is dead.”

I wear a mask any time I leave my home. Nobody in the area has the same mask, so as we’re in a small town, people often recognize me. This morning as I’m grabbing my morning supplies at the gas station down the street, a customer recognizes me.

Customer: “You, help me find these things.”

Me: “I don’t work here.”

Customer: “I know. I need help.”

This exchange goes on for a few moments, her getting more and more insistent about me being the person to help her. The woman even tries to block me from leaving the store! I am generally a helpful and pleasant person… at least until I am treated with disrespect.

The moment she blocks me in, I flip.

Me: “I will remove you by force if necessary.”

Luckily, she ended up moving and I left the store in a rush to her threats of calling my manager.

Whoever you are, lady, I hope you get the help you need, but I don’t work everywhere and I’m not licensed to get you the mental help.

My friend and I are in a convenience store relatively late as he’s feeling peckish and fancies a sandwich. After getting his sandwich and a bag of crisps, he heads to the counter to pay.

Cashier: “Would you like to get a drink?”

Friend: “Oh, sorry, I’m taken.”

Cashier: “It’s part of the meal deal.”