(I work in a convenience store. A guy comes in and starts putting on a spare uniform.)
Me: “Sir, that’s for employees only.”
Guy: “I’m the manager here; who the h*** are you?”
Me: “Sir, I’m the manager here.”
Guy: “LISTEN HERE, YOU LITTLE S***! DON’T TRY TO BE SOMETHING YOU’RE NOT!”
Me: “Sir, calm down. Where do you work?”
Guy: *goes outside to check*
Me: *sighs* “Idiot…”
(It should be known that I am a mechanic with a nearby bowling alley on a lunch break. I’m a 6’1″, 215 lbs, bearded, angry looking man dressed in a tight black t-shirt, military green canvas work pants, and nasty workboots, and generally covered in grease.)
Fat Man In A Wheelchair (FMiaW): *at me loudly* “Cereal!”
Me: “…what?”
FMiaW: “What isle is the cereal at?”
Me: *calmly scanning the isle signs* “…ummm….. I don’t really know…”
FMiaW: *pointing behind me* “Chips!”
Me: *hand him chips*
FMiaW: “Cereal?”
Me: “I don’t know, I’d be guessing. I don’t actually work here.”
FMiaW: “Oh.” *waves me away*
Me: “Yeah, good luck.” *under my breath and walking away* “F*****”
(Yup. I have no patience for disrespectful laziness.)
The little mom-and-pop convenience/video rental store my boyfriend and another guy worked at about ten years ago was being held up one day and the thief was demanding the money from the till.
Robber: “Put the money in a bag!”
Co-worker: *without missing a beat* “Would that be paper or plastic?”
(Years ago, I played in church orchestra with a guy who occasionally packed a gun. His wife said he’d sometimes plop down on a metal folding chair with a clank from the gun. This guy was also pretty small — maybe 5’4″, 163 cm, tall. One day he is going into a convenience store and the clerk is locking the door as he goes in.)
Friend: “What’s going on?”
Clerk: “Dude back there has been shoplifting. I’ve already called the police.”
(My friend pays for his gas, and about that time the crook has found himself locked in. The shouting with the clerk quickly escalates into a knock-down, drag-out fight. My friend just stands next to the popcorn machine in the store and nibbles a little popcorn and watches the fight like it is a show. In the end, the clerk manages to wallop the guy over the head with a bottle and he goes down. The clerk came to my friend:)
Clerk: “Why didn’t you help me?”
Friend: “Why? You looked like you were doing pretty good.”
Clerk: “Yeah, but if I wasn’t, he was coming after you next.”
Friend: *pulling the pistol from his pocket* “No, he wasn’t.”
Clerk: *shocked* “You got a license for that thing?”
Friend: “Nope.”
Clerk: *unlocking the door* “Get out of here before the cops get here!”
(I love crazy people.)
(It is employee appreciation week at my work and we are allowed and encouraged to wear jeans instead of our usual required uniform as long as we dress as the theme forvthe day. This day is “dress as your favorite cartoon character” day. I’m dressed as Rainbow Dash from My Little Pony which includes wings. My coworker is dressed as Finn the human from Adventure Time.)
Elderly man customer: What’s with the oitfits?
Me: oh, we get to dress up as part if employee appreciation week!
Customer: well you look like an angel.
Me: thanks, but im actually dressed as a my little pony. We get to dress as cartoon characters today. (I cash out his sale and start getting his change.)
Customer: ah. (Looks at my coworker.) And you look like..
(I think he’s goingbto say something about marshmallows.)
Customer: …a child molester.
(My coworker and I nearly die laughing, especially me, and I nearly slam my hand into the cash drawar in the process. The man leaves and we both agree that THAT was not what we expected. Wow.)
