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You’ve Heard Of A Soft Open, But Have You Heard Of…

, , , , | Right | January 14, 2022

I work in an old-time five-and-ten-cent store. I have left for the day and am walking to my car.

Customer: “Are you still open?”

Me: “No, ma’am, we have closed.”

Customer: “Is it a soft close or hard close?”

Me: “I’m sorry but we’re closed!”

Customer: “Yes, but is it a hard close or soft close?”

Me: *Thinking* “CLOSED is CLOSED!”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, the manager is grabbing her stuff to leave for the night!”

I’d never heard of a soft close before.

What’s In A Name? Oh, It’s Salad.

, , , , , , , | Working | December 31, 2021

I find a new vegetarian restaurant I want to try out, so I place an order online. As part of the process, of course, I have to type in my full name. It’s relevant that I have a slightly unusual name, but it’s still similar to a common name and most people have no trouble with it. Let’s say it’s something like “Kellyn Smythe” instead of the more expected “Ellen Smith.”

I place the order and the restaurant’s website tells me it will take forty-three minutes for my food to be ready, which seems like a suspiciously long time for a salad, but hey, it’s the lunch rush. I stop by the restaurant twenty-five minutes later just to check on the progress, content to wait if my order isn’t ready. I check the shelf for takeout bags and don’t see any with my name.

Worker: “What was your order?”

Me: “Oh, it was an Asian salad, but it’s not supposed to be ready yet, so I don’t mind waiting.”

Worker: “We have it! Look again!”

Me: “I don’t think—”

Worker: “It’s definitely that one! Take it already!”

The bag has a name that’s nothing at all close to mine and is spelled with odd extra letters! It’s like “Chharlinn Ssplrythe.”

Me: “I don’t want to take someone else’s lunch!”

Worker: “It will get bad if you don’t eat it now! Don’t you want it?”

Me: “I really don’t think this is right, but okay, if you insist!”

The food turned out to be exactly what I ordered, even with a customization, so I guess it really was mine all along? Still, I have so many questions! Why was my food ready so early, and yet no one told me about it? And how could they mess up my name so much when I literally TYPED IT IN for them? So much that it didn’t even look like a name you could pronounce anymore? And why was the worker mad at me? At least the meal was delicious!

Bringing Home The Bacon And Passing It To Your Spouse

, , , , , | Romantic | December 26, 2021

Wife: “I don’t understand the excitement about bacon. I mean, it’s fine as a condiment in small quantities, but as, like, a central part of a breakfast, I don’t like it.”

Me: “Okay, we will be getting a divorce shortly.”

Wife: “Why? You can just have all of mine.”

Me: “Okay, we will be getting a divorce never.”

The Efforts To Save A Dollar

, , , , , | Right | November 16, 2021

I’m working the till when a customer comes up with a name-brand greeting card. The card scans for $2.00.

Customer: “The sign says ninety-nine cents.”

I’m new and we are busy, so I override the price to ninety-nine cents. The guy comes in a couple of weeks later with the same statement, so I override the price again. The third time he comes in, I have gone to that section to check the sign.

Me: “The sign says starting at 99 cents.”

He shut up, paid the full price, and never pulled that on me again! He knew I was a new hire and was scamming the store.

If That Rug Is For The Bathroom, This Is As Clean As It’s Ever Going To Be

, , , , , | Right | November 12, 2021

A customer comes up to my register with a bathroom rug.

Customer: “Don’t put it on the counter. I don’t want those germs on it!

She expected me to hold it in my hand throughout the transaction. I wanted to say, “So, you’re not washing it before use?”