Making A Bobe Of Yourself

, , , , | Romantic | July 16, 2017

(My wife and I are in bed, using her laptop to write thank-you cards for our recent wedding.)

Wife: “I have to use the bathroom. And after that I’m going to move to my desk, which means I’m going to put on panties.”

Me: “Noooo, no more naked times. But will I still get to group your bobes?”

Wife: “…What?”

Me: *rearranging the vowels in my head* “Grope your boobs?”

Wife: “Yes… you can still do that.”

Me: “But you’ll be wearing underwear, so I can’t play with your pants-parts.”

Wife: “I’m not sure WHAT new language you’re writing over there… but I want in.”

Fight For Legality

, , , , , | Friendly | June 27, 2017

(My friend is from New Jersey, and together we’re watching a musical set during the American Revolution.)

Character #1: “Where was the fight?”

Character #2: “New Jersey.”

Both Characters: “Everything’s legal in Jersey!”

Me: *looks at friend*

Friend: “NOTHING is legal in New Jersey.”

Pixar Should Tackle That One Next

, , , , | Related | June 16, 2017

(When I was about five years old, people still had phone books but they were starting to fall out of use and I had no idea what they were for. I decided to read one.)

Me: “Mom, this book is long and boring and it doesn’t even make sense!”

Mom: *sees what I’m doing* “Why are you reading the phone book?”

Me: “I thought it was like The Jungle Book but with phones.”