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Literally Adding Insult To Injury

, , , , , | Legal | September 30, 2021

I had a heart attack as I was walking home and collapsed in the street. As I was lying on the ground, I heard somebody rushing towards me and could feel them lean over me. I was trying to thank them, in a barely conscious state, when they ransacked my pockets, taking my wallet, my watch, and my keys, and ran off leaving me to lose consciousness in the street.

Fortunately, another bystander witnessed what happened and called 911. Soon, I was in the back of an ambulance and a patrol car was headed to my house, where they found and arrested a young man inside loading my goods into his car. He was arrested and a local CCTV camera confirmed that he was the person who robbed me.

A few months later in court, the judge asked this young pillar of the community if he had anything to say for himself before sentencing.

Robber: “Hey, man, I thought he was dead and wouldn’t need any of his s***!”

Strangely, it didn’t mitigate his sentence in any way. The kicker: he was in training to become a pastor.

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This Employee Is Living The Dream

, , , , , , | Working | September 21, 2021

I work in an independent hardware store and customers bring their dogs in with them. I like animals and like to say hi to them. I call for assistance at my register when a customer comes up with their dog. Just as my coworker walks up:

Me: “Hello, sweetheart.”

I pause and look at my coworker.

Me: “That was to the dog.” 

Coworker: “I figured.”

You can’t be too careful.

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A Chip Off The Delicious Block

, , , , , , | Working | September 8, 2021

There’s a nurse practitioner in the clinic where I work whose nickname is similar to a popular chip. He is also quite handsome. He is finishing up with a new client in the waiting area, where my coworker and I sit at the front desk.

Nurse Practitioner: “It was very nice to talk to you today. My name is [Nickname]. Ask for me if you need anything in the future.”

Client: “Your name is [Wrong Name]?”

Coworker: “No, his name is [Nickname], like the snack!”

Client: “Oh! Okay!”

The client and [Nurse Practitioner] leave, and my coworker turns to me.

Coworker: “Oh, my God, I just called [Nurse Practitioner] a snack!”

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Raise Your Hand And Reach For The Stars

, , , , , , , , | Related | August 12, 2021

In 2017, I visited the USA for the first time with my family. One day, we went to a museum that has a planetarium. It’s pretty amazing, but before the projection begins, people need to have their eyes used to the dark.

A member of the museum’s staff talked a bit in order to entertain everyone for a few minutes. I could understand only a few words; I was sixteen and his English sounded different from what I had been studying in school.

At some point, people started to raise their hands. Then, the man said something else and other people raised their hands. The man said a third thing and my father whispered to me in Italian, “Raise your hand.”

I did so without knowing why.

Later, my dad translated what the man had said.

The three questions were, one, “Raise your hand if you’ve already been in a planetarium before,” two, “Raise your hand if you’ve never been in a planetarium before,” and three, “Raise your hand if you don’t even understand what I’m saying.”

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Was The Whole Thing Just An Attempt At Insurance Fraud?!

, , , , , , | Legal | July 16, 2021

My spouse and I are traveling in San Francisco. We decide to use a car rental service that lets people rent out their personal or spare car. Since I’m most familiar with a particular kind of car, we pick that kind to rent. We buy the optional extra insurance on our vehicle, just in case. One of the things I’ve noticed with [Car]s is that there’s a tendency for the back latch to fall off.

So, we use the app and rent someone’s old used [Car]. The back latch is loose, and I know it’s going to fall off. I warn my spouse and mark it in the damages. No problem.

Sure enough, the latch falls off partway through the trip.

This story, though, isn’t actually about the latch. It’s about what we discover when we are cleaning up the car to return it. In the driver’s side pocket, there is a glass tube with brown residue in it, wrapped in tin foil. And underneath the driver’s seat is a mysterious triangular hole cut in the floor of the car for no readily apparent reason.

My spouse and I figure that it is probably a crack pipe and that the car is probably used in some sort of drug smuggling, hence the triangular hole in the floor.

We debate reporting it to the cops. Ultimately, we decide not to because we are on vacation and we are afraid of what would happen if they got involved.

When we get home, they don’t charge us for the latch… but we charge the insurance we got for the hole in the floor.

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