This Pregnancy Thing Is Beginning To Stick

, , , , , , | Romantic | November 12, 2017

(I have just taken a pregnancy test and discovered that I am not expecting. My husband and I are now heading out to the car to go about our day. In the elevator, my shoes make noise.)

Husband: “Did you step in something sticky?”

Me: “No, there’s just something on the floor.”

(I am amused by the sticky noises and start dancing in place, making lots of them. Then I start laughing.)

Me: “Are you sure I’m not pregnant?”

Husband: “I’m sure you’re not mature enough to be pregnant!”

Your Attempts At A Refund Are Not Silky Smooth

, , , , , | Right | November 7, 2017

Customer: “Do you clean coats?”

Me: “Yes, we do.”

Customer: “How much is it?”

Me: “It depends, miss. Some coats are longer, and the fabric is thicker; those will need more dry-cleaning chemical to soak in and more time to dry, and will therefore cost more.”

Customer: “Okay, so, how much for a long coat?”

Me: “You’ll have to show me the item, because I can’t estimate the cost until I’ve seen it. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “Here’s my stuff.”

Me: “These coats are wool and are as long as a person. They will be $18.95 each. That blouse is white silk, but the problem is that there are yellow stains on it and we cannot guarantee it will be cleaned fully or even at all, due to the apparent age of the stain. Would you like to clean it still?”

Customer: “Yeah, just try it.”

Me: “Okay.” *processes the ticket order for the customer*

Customer: “I also want to pay for it now.”

Me: “Okay. The total for two coats and that blouse is $39.85.”

(The customer pays and leaves. One week later:)

Customer: “Okay, I’m here to pick up my stuff.”

Me: “I remember your name. Here it is.”

(The customer picks up and leaves. Two hours later:)

Customer: *brings in blouse* “Uh, this isn’t cleaned.”

Me: “I did mention to you that we would try, but we couldn’t promise or guarantee you that it would be cleaned fully. It spread out, but it’s not noticeable to the naked eye unless people look at it carefully. You said you still want to dry-clean it despite my protests.”

Customer: “I understand, but I believe that it is in good business practice to give me back a portion of the money I paid, since it wasn’t cleaned properly.”

Me: “We could not complete the cleaning; our chemicals would’ve been too harsh if we kept trying to get the stains out and would have disintegrated the silk fabric, and then it would have been ruined for good. We will not refund you all of your money for that item, but some, okay?”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: “Here is your money.”

(I refund $3.50 out of $6.95 for cleaning said blouse.)

Customer: *looks down in shock* “When I said, ‘portion,’ I meant this amount.” *points at $18.95*

Me: “That was for the coat, not the blouse. Since that was cleaned properly and stains from that coat were gone, we will not refund you for that.”

Customer: “I still believe it is good business practice that you refund me a portion of the payment.”

Me: “You mean half of the bill, right?”

Customer: “Well…”

Me: “We will not, and it’s up to you to choose whether accept the $3.50 or not.”

Customer: “Fine. I’ll just never come back here again, then.”

(I said nothing more, and the customer left when they realized they weren’t getting anything else.)

Has No Power Over You

, , , , | Right | October 20, 2017

(I am a technician. I am fixing a blood pressure testing machine at the local supermarket when a man comes up wanting to have his blood pressure checked.)

Me: “Sorry, I’m not quite done here. I’ll have it up and running in a few minutes.”

Customer: “You aren’t really fixing that; you’re just stealing the electricity to power your laptop!”

(My laptop is indeed sitting beside me, not even plugged into anything.)

Me: “No, I’m not.”

Customer: “Would you like me to call a manager?”

Me: “Please, do it!”

(He didn’t.)

Wazoo Cramps

, , , , , , | Romantic | October 11, 2017

(My wife has a love-hate relationship with ibuprofen: it makes her drowsy, but it’s also the only thing that soothes her menstrual cramps.)

Wife: “Ooh… cramps just kicked in. Ibuprofen up the wazoo.”

Me: “That seems less than ideal. I don’t think your body will absorb it properly if you put it up your wazoo.”

Wife: “Oh, my God. You’re ridiculous.”

Oh My Zeus!

, , , , , , | Friendly | September 13, 2017

(I’m sitting at a friend’s house on a stormy Saturday night. There are usually several people around on the weekend, but no one else is out during the storm. We are sitting at the kitchen table, discussing how boring it is.)

Friend: “I wish it’d f****** stop raining.”

Me: “Yeah. What a crappy night.”

(Suddenly, my friend jumps up from the table and throws open the back door.)

Friend: *flips off the storm* “F*** you, Zeus!”

(Almost instantly, a lightning strike hits very close to the house and the thunder is almost deafening. My friend closes the door, turns around, white as a sheet, and sits back down.)

Me: “Don’t you ever do that again.”

(He and I both worked with electricity and electronics. After that, anytime something went wrong and created a spark, we said that Zeus was angry.)

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