Oh My Zeus!

, , , , , , | Friendly | September 13, 2017

(I’m sitting at a friend’s house on a stormy Saturday night. There are usually several people around on the weekend, but no one else is out during the storm. We are sitting at the kitchen table, discussing how boring it is.)

Friend: “I wish it’d f****** stop raining.”

Me: “Yeah. What a crappy night.”

(Suddenly, my friend jumps up from the table and throws open the back door.)

Friend: *flips off the storm* “F*** you, Zeus!”

(Almost instantly, a lightning strike hits very close to the house and the thunder is almost deafening. My friend closes the door, turns around, white as a sheet, and sits back down.)

Me: “Don’t you ever do that again.”

(He and I both worked with electricity and electronics. After that, anytime something went wrong and created a spark, we said that Zeus was angry.)

Deconstructed Reconstructed

, , , , , , | Working | August 21, 2017

(I’m the customer. We love our deli’s meatball sandwiches, but we want to buy them to eat later and don’t want them to get soggy. So we’ve started buying them as “DIY” sandwiches — we order the pieces separately and construct and heat the sandwich at home. I stop in today for a sandwich.)

Me: “I want 4 meatballs, 4 pieces of cheese, a sourdough roll, and a pint and a half of sauce.”

Counter Guy: *with confused look* “…”

Me: “Is there a problem? It’s a DIY meatball sandwich…”

Counter Guy: “I’m trying to figure out how to charge for this.”

Me: “Well, it’s basically just a meatball sandwich with one extra meatball, one extra slice of cheese, and an extra pint of sauce.”

Counter Guy: *with a deep look of concentration* “Okay.”

Me: “Also…”

Counter Guy: “Not right now; I’m doing math.”

Me: “…”

(After a couple of minutes, I add a pint of potato salad, gave him my name, and am told he’d call me when my food is ready. 15 minutes later, my order comes up. I see the potato salad and the paper-wrapped roll.)

Me: “Where’s the rest?.”

Counter Guy: “It’s all there.”

Me: *concerned, picking up the paper wrapped package* “Oh. You… built the sandwich.”

Counter Guy: “Wasn’t I supposed to?”

Me: “No. That’s why I…”

Counter Guy: ” Next time, ask for four meatballs and a roll…”

Making A Bobe Of Yourself

, , , , | Romantic | July 16, 2017

(My wife and I are in bed, using her laptop to write thank-you cards for our recent wedding.)

Wife: “I have to use the bathroom. And after that I’m going to move to my desk, which means I’m going to put on panties.”

Me: “Noooo, no more naked times. But will I still get to group your bobes?”

Wife: “…What?”

Me: *rearranging the vowels in my head* “Grope your boobs?”

Wife: “Yes… you can still do that.”

Me: “But you’ll be wearing underwear, so I can’t play with your pants-parts.”

Wife: “I’m not sure WHAT new language you’re writing over there… but I want in.”

Fight For Legality

, , , , , | Friendly | June 27, 2017

(My friend is from New Jersey, and together we’re watching a musical set during the American Revolution.)

Character #1: “Where was the fight?”

Character #2: “New Jersey.”

Both Characters: “Everything’s legal in Jersey!”

Me: *looks at friend*

Friend: “NOTHING is legal in New Jersey.”

Pixar Should Tackle That One Next

, , , , | Related | June 16, 2017

(When I was about five years old, people still had phone books but they were starting to fall out of use and I had no idea what they were for. I decided to read one.)

Me: “Mom, this book is long and boring and it doesn’t even make sense!”

Mom: *sees what I’m doing* “Why are you reading the phone book?”

Me: “I thought it was like The Jungle Book but with phones.”