My uncle was always the sort to speak his mind freely — too freely. He speaks so freely that the entire family ended up cutting off all contact with him. Only my dad kept up with him, “Because he’s my brother, and it isn’t right to leave him behind.”

Then, one very unfortunate month, both my uncle’s wife and my mom died suddenly. My dad was brokenhearted and weepy, and after two weeks of mourning alone, he reached out to my uncle because he assumed he could sympathise with him.

Once they met and exchanged a few words, my uncle came up with this gem:

Uncle: “Oh, [Dad’s Nickname], I know it hurts, but you don’t have to let this get you down! You’re still a stud; you can always use that money [Mom] left you to pick up some strapping young woman, just like I did!” 

To the surprise of no one but my uncle, my dad decided to join the rest of the family and reject my uncle in disgust.

My younger sister has had glasses since she was a baby — like ten months old. She’s extremely farsighted, so her glasses make her eyes look much bigger than they really are. She can barely see without her glasses, but her glasses are always somewhat heavy and can get uncomfortable, so despite that, she sometimes takes breaks from wearing them.

When she was little, like three to six years old, she had trouble saying the word “glasses”, so she’d call them her “eyes”. It made sense to me as a seven-year-old since her eyes looked so much smaller when she took her glasses off. This would lead to a lot of funny stares when we went out in public and my sister, who was otherwise quite an eloquent toddler, would announce loudly that she was going to take her eyes off and no one in my family would bat an eye.

As my sister grew up and added the word “glasses” to her vocabulary, most people forgot about the time when she’d tell us she’d taken off her eyes — most people, except for our grandmother.

My sister just finished her freshman year of college. She still wears glasses almost all the time, but she has contacts for special occasions when she’s going out. She tried contacts for a year in high school but found them too uncomfortable to do every day.

My sister started dating for the first time this year. One day, when she was with her boyfriend, she had a massive headache. She suffers from random headaches sometimes, but this was a pretty bad one and the first one she’d had around her boyfriend. She was basically crying because of the pain, so he helped her Facetime our grandma. (She first tried our parents, but both were busy and didn’t answer the phone.)

Our grandma’s first question was:

Grandma: “Did you take your eyes off recently?”

Sister: “No, I’m not wearing my eyes now.”

That was the only part her boyfriend could hear. Her boyfriend was already pretty panicked, and he was so shocked that he started to look up their school’s emergency mental health hotline; he was convinced my sister was going insane or something.

It took my sister about ten minutes to convince him that she was totally fine, which took her mind off the headache for long enough that it went away.

My younger sister is, if not exactly the black sheep of the family, still seen as a bit of a wild child by most of our relatives. Somehow, it doesn’t give anybody any cognitive dissonance to also think of her as a hopelessly naive babe in the wilderness. How they square this with her actual existence as a married professional in her thirties, I’m still not sure, but it all seems to have rubbed off on my youngest cousin. He’s in his early twenties, has never lived away from home (and his fiercely protective mother), and barely finished high school.

My sister is extremely fond of our cousin; it’s just a bit rough on her to have conversations like the following.

We’re at a party for the completion of [Sister]’s Master’s degree.

Cousin: “Well! That took you a while, didn’t it?”

Sister: *Pauses* “What do you mean?”

Cousin: “Just, didn’t it take you longer than it should have?”

Sister: “It took me four years, yes. I never said that I found graduate school easy. I’m lucky to have had the help and support that I did. Just like you.”

Cousin: “What do you mean?”

Sister: “Well, you had trouble finishing school, too, right?”

Cousin: “Yeah, but I finished on time.”

Again, she’s talking about her grad studies; he’s talking about HIGH SCHOOL.

A few days later, [Cousin] is looking around the condo [Sister] owns with her husband.

Cousin: “I mean, it’s nice, I guess.”

[Sister] and my brother-in-law live in one of the most expensive metro areas in North America because she can’t pursue her career anywhere else in Canada. It’s not at all comparable to the four-bedroom house [Cousin] lives in, rent-free, with both his fifty-something parents, in a much more economical area of the country.

Finally, one night over dinner, the conversation turns political.

Sister: “I’m saying that prison reform is an issue that the prime minister is ignoring. How can Canadians call ourselves better than anywhere else when we’re treating jails like a garbage heap to dump in those people we don’t know how to deal with?”

Cousin: *Chuckling* “Well, I mean, that’s a real nice idea and all, but let’s be practical here. When you think about these people, and where they come from… I mean, it’s sweet that you want to help, but really…”

Sister: “[Cousin], by the time I was your age, I’d been arrested three times for protesting. You’ve never been out of g**d*** [Suburb] by yourself, and your own mom had to badger you into voting in the last election. Do not try to pull that bulls*** head-patting act on me. I’ve had teargas thrown at me. The fact that I used to be your favourite babysitter is the only thing that prevents me from throwing your a** out the door right this second. Is that clear?”

There’s a long pause.

Sister: “Would anyone like coffee?”

I am the oldest of seven children. For my parents, having so many children meant that taking vacations was challenging — both because of cost as well as simple logistics.

One summer, when I am sixteen or seventeen, my parents had the bright idea to go camping for a few days up in the mountains near our home. Please note that my parents are not campers. They have to borrow a tent and most of the items needed for camping. They borrow a six-man tent and figure that it will hold us given that my younger brothers and sisters are small. My father has a few cows and a horse on a hobby farm that he owns, and he decides we will pack the horse and use it to haul the camping equipment into the campsite.

The day dawns, and my parents pack us tightly into a truck being used to haul the horse trailer to the trailhead. We get the horse all packed up and set out: Mom, Dad, and seven children ranging in age from seventeen to two.  

Five minutes later, the entire pack slides off the horse and onto the ground. My dad repacks the horse, and we set off again.

About thirty minutes later, the horse sits down and won’t get up.  

The pack is just too heavy for the animal, so we have to take some of it off and distribute the camping gear amongst those of us who can haul it. My youngest sister (the two-year-old) obviously can’t hike, and she is passed around from back to back. My next youngest sister (who is five) starts getting tired, and soon the oldest of the kids are all packing camping gear AND two children, switching off from time to time. We probably end up hiking for about ten minutes and resting for about fifteen.  

We finally arrive at the place where we are to camp, completely exhausted. Amazingly, the tent goes up without too much trouble, and we all start exploring the area.

At this point, I see my dad pull out a rifle.  

Me: “What’s that for?”

Dad: “Well, there are bears around here.”  

Me: “Bears?! Where did you get the gun?”

Dad: “From your uncle.”

Mom: “You’ve never shot a gun in your life.”

Dad: “It’ll be fine. Plus, the horse will warn us if anything comes by.”

I went to bed that night with the realization that the only thing between me and death by carnivore was a thin tent, a tired horse, and an inexperienced rifleman.

We quickly discovered that the six-man tent was NOT big enough to accommodate us all. We were jammed into the tent like sardines with wiggly little bodies. I was pushed up against the side of the tent and found myself on a slight incline with my head going down. I spent the whole night that way.

But amazingly, I got more sleep than my dad did; I found out later that he spent all night long sitting up at night sounds with the rifle in both hands. (Years later, it sank in the potential disaster that might have resulted from a nervous man with a loaded rifle sitting in a tent full of little kids. Yikes!)  

Well, no bears attacked, and we woke up the next morning sore and tired and cranky. My mother tried to make pancakes over the fire, but they either stuck or burned, and my younger siblings whined about smoke getting in their eyes. My parents scrapped the plans to stay a few days. We hiked back out that morning and went to an amusement park.

My family never went camping again.

CONTENT WARNING: Animal Cruelty/Death

This is just a collection of my experiences with chickens throughout the years. It begins at age eight. Unbeknownst to me, my dad has always bought a live chicken to cook for dinner on Chinese New Year. I just have never seen the chicken before, since I am usually off playing with my cousins. This is the first time I see it, but my brother knows this and decides to mess with me. This is before noon.

Brother: “Hey, [My Name]! Look, Dad finally got you a pet!”

Me: “Woah, really? Oh, wow! A chicken!”

Brother: “Yeah. Cool, huh? Why don’t you name it?”

Me: “I’ll call him Tony!”

And so I spend the next few hours playing around with Tony and chasing him around the backyard. Come dinner time, my brother mentions something to me.

Brother: “Hey, have you noticed where Tony is?”

Me: “Oh, yeah! We forgot to feed him! Where is he?”

Brother: “On your plate.”

It takes me a few moments to realize what he means. When I do, I excuse myself from dinner and leave to go cry in my room while my brother busts a gut laughing. Rest in peace, Tony.

The next story takes place at age thirteen. I am now fully aware of what I have come to call the yearly chicken sacrifice. I make sure I don’t interact with the chicken before its time is up, and I make sure to not waste any of the meat so as to not let its death be in vain. My brother has realized I won’t fall for the joke again and has given up on messing with me. This is just pure bad timing.

My brother is helping my mom with the food. I’m probably goofing off.

Brother:  “Hey, can you tell Dad to come inside? It’s almost time to eat.”

Me: “Yeah, sure.” *Goes outside* “Dad, it’s—“

The scene before my eyes is flailing chicken legs and feathers flying everywhere as I see my dad drowning the chicken in our backyard sink. I compose myself enough to say, “It’s time to eat,” before running inside. My brother asks what’s wrong and after I explain what, he starts laughing like before, while I put on headphones and try to drown out my surroundings.

Now I’m sixteen. I have taken a vacation with my dad to China with a tour company, and we end up at a rustic farming village. The other tourists in our group are all old men, so my dad is having a blast while I have no one to interact with. I spot a nearby chicken wandering in and out of the building, so I just watch it. Eventually, I get curious and decide to approach it cautiously and pet it. Right as I befriend the chicken, the owner of the hostel notices me.

Owner: “Hey. What are you doing, girl?”

Me: “Oh, I just wanted to—“

Owner: “Oh, you want chicken for dinner? Sure! Free of charge, just for you!”

Me: “WAIT! WHAT? NO—“

The owner grabs the chicken and dangles it by the legs.

Owner: “Hey, [Chef]! Chicken soup tonight!”

My dad and the group of tourists cheered and thanked me for getting them an extra dish for dinner. That night I couldn’t bring myself to eat the soup. I mourned for the chicken and thought about how it might’ve lived a few more days if I just hadn’t gone to pet it.

Later, when my dad and I video chatted with my mom and brother back in the USA, my dad told the story of how I had inadvertently killed a chicken. Cue my brother laughing his butt off once again. Rest in peace, Tony, water chicken, and China chicken. I remember you all fondly, and a little traumatically.