Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Go!

, , , | Right | April 19, 2018

(I am working as a cashier at a small local grocery store. It is around 6:00 pm, so I am the only cashier open. We tend to have a lot of older people who shop at our store who do not have a lot of money. An older customer is checking out in my lane. I have already scanned the majority of her items; she has about seven items, and her total comes to about $3. I then pick up her third-to-last item to scan.)

Customer: “Oh, stop! I don’t know if I want those.”

Me: “Oh, I am sorry; you don’t want these?”

(I am about to put it behind the counter, for it’s very common for someone not to want an item once they get up to my point.)

Customer: “No, I don’t know if I want to buy them yet, but you can scan my other two items.”

(I do that. The customer has a confused look on her face, as if she is trying to find out if she has enough money to afford the chips.)

Me: “Do you want me to scan the chips for you to tell you how much they are?”

Customer: “No. I know how much they are; I just don’t know if I want them. They are $2.50.” *she then starts pointing and going* “Eenie, meenie, miney, mo. Catch a tiger by his toe. Out goes, Y—” *she pauses* “—O, U. Okay, I’ll get them. Oh, they are $2.50. See? I told you!”

A Lack Of Retention Attention

, , , , , | Working | April 11, 2018

(I’m struggling with finances a bit. I have the MOST basic Internet service from the local cable company. They’re losing customers at a fairly fast rate, so it’s pretty well known that if you call and ask for a discount, even temporarily, they’ll give it to you in order to keep you as a customer. So, I call them up.)

Customer Service Representative #1: “[Cable Company], how can I help you?”

Me: “I’d like to see if I can lower my rate at all.”

Customer Service Representative #1: “Let me take a look… NOPE! That’s the best we can do for you.”

Me: “Really? You can’t even lower it a little for a short period of time?”

Customer Service Representative #1: “NOPE… That’s the best rate we have.”

(I’ve done this before, so I know they have a “customer retention” department specifically set up to keep customers who may be thinking of cancelling.)

Me: “Okay. Can you transfer me to the customer retention department?”

Customer Service Representative #1: “Sir, all of our employees are interested in retaining customers.”

Me: “Right. I get that. But I also know you have a specific department that is willing to work with customers in order to keep them as customers. Can you please transfer me?”

(This goes back and forth for twenty minutes or so. Finally…)

Customer Service Representative #1: “Fine! Please hold.”

Customer Service Representative #2: “Hello. I understand you wish to disconnect your service.”

Me: “No! I was calling to ask if I might be able to save a little money on the bill.”

Customer Service Representative #2: “Oh! Sure! I can lower your bill by $20 a month for one year. How’s that sound?”

Me: “Perfect. Thank you.”

They’re Blowing Smoke

, , , , , | Right | April 1, 2018

(I’m a teenage girl and I work at my father’s gas station. While it’s a good neighborhood and he knows I can take care of myself, he has audio and video cameras up for his own peace of mind. One weekend afternoon, a car pulls up into the fire lane. A young girl I don’t recognize, probably no older than 18, jumps out of the driver side. She comes into the store and up to the counter.)

Girl: “I need a pack of [Cigarettes].”

Me: “Sure thing. I just need to see your ID.”

Girl: “I left it at home.”

Me: “Sorry. Feel free to come back later when you’ve got it with you. Have a nice day.”

Girl: “Oh, come on! I’m 18, I swear!”

Me: “Sorry, I really can’t. It’s against the law.”

Girl: ”Don’t be such a f****** b****, and sell me the f****** cigarettes!”

Me: “Do you realize that all our transactions are video and audio recorded?”

Girl: “The f*** does that have to do with anything?”

Me: “I’ve got you on tape asking me to break the law, I’ve got you on video parked illegally in the fire lane, and I can assure you that your plates are on camera, too. And, since you are refusing to show me an ID, I know that you’re driving without a driver’s license. Would you like this b**** to call the police now?”

Girl: *turns white and runs out of the building*

Customers Can Be A Strange Breed

, , , , | Right | March 29, 2018

(I work at a dog kennel. I am helping my manager work the front desk when a man walks in with a large dog. We are at 100% capacity, so we know he is a walk-in. My manager goes right over to head off any tantrums that might be coming.)

Manager: “I’m sorry, sir, but we are completely full at the moment. If you want to put your name on the waiting list, however, we will call you as soon as there is room.”

Man: “Oh, no, I’m not looking to board my dog; I’m looking to breed him.”

Manager: *confused* “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t breed dogs here. This is a kennel.”

Man: *clearly not listening* “I want to breed my dog. He’s a purebred.”

Manager: “Sir, again, we don’t breed dogs here.”

Man: “Why not? He’s had all his shots and he’s a purebred!”

Manager: “Sir, again, we don’t breed dogs here, because these dogs do not belong to us. These dogs all belong to other people and they’d be very upset if we let your dog mate with their pet.”

Man: *sounding desperate* “You don’t understand! You could make a lot of money selling the puppies; this is a good deal!”

Manager: *totally fed up* “A good deal is not getting sued by an angry owner. Please leave; I have a line of actual customers waiting.”

(The man leaves with his dog, looking pretty dejected, but doesn’t try to argue further. Half an hour later, one of my coworkers who wasn’t there for the strange man answers the phone.)

Coworker: “Hello, this is [Kennel]. How can I help you today?”

(I can’t hear the other half of the conversation, but my coworker starts making this really confused face.)

Coworker: “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t breed dogs here.”

Manager: *furious* “Oh, my God! [Coworker], hang up the d*** phone.” *turning to me* “If he calls back again, I’m going to neuter them both!”

Should Have “Checked” Before Using

, , , , | Right | March 15, 2018

(It is back before many lower-end stores started putting in credit card machines. Debit cards are sometimes referred to as “check cards.”)

Me: “That’ll be $10.60.”

(The customer hands me a debit card.)

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. We only take cash or check.”

Customer: “Yes. It’s a check card.”

Me: “I’m sorry; I’m afraid we don’t take debit cards.”

Customer: “You said you take checks.”

Me: “Yes, we do, but we don’t take debit cards.”

Customer: “This is a check card.”

Me: “Yes, but I’m afraid we have no way of processing cards.”

Customer: “It works the same as a check.”

Me: “The bank may process it like a check, but we have no way to process it at all.”

Customer: “The bank says it works like a check. It is a check card and you take checks!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t take cards of any kind. We only take cash and paper checks.”

Customer: “YOU SAID YOU TAKE CHECKS. THIS IS A CHECK CARD. YOU WILL TAKE MY CARD.”

Me: “A card requires some type of machine for us to swipe the card in. We have no way of doing that. I’m sorry, but you need to pay with either cash or a paper check.”

Customer: *stomps away while screaming* “IT’S A CHECK CARD! IT WORKS THE SAME AS A CHECK! THE BANK SAID SO!”

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