This IS The Cat You Are Looking For!

, , , , | Hopeless | April 22, 2019

(My friend loves cats; her husband does not. After much discussion they agree to adopt one, but they must both agree on the cat. At the shelter they are introduced to many cats, but my friend’s husband isn’t too keen on any of them. Then, my friend notices one last cage tucked away in the corner, which turns out to belong to a timid little grey female. The shelter employee opens up the cage so they can interact with her, but as my friend’s husband reaches in to pet her the tiny, wide-eyed girl lets out a fearful hiss. My friend fears this is that is the end of that, but instead he turns to her with a wide grin.)

Husband: “I like this one; she sounds like Darth Vader!”

(They took her home that day. Three years later, she is still the undisputed queen of their house and the perfect cat for them.)

Couldn’t Have Been The Sharpest TSA Agent

, , , , , | Working | April 22, 2019

(My friend and her husband are traveling for vacation. My friend works for an international fast food company writing training manuals and tweaking ingredient amounts for certain food and drink items. They successfully make it through airport security and are gathering their belongings on a bench thirty feet away to head to the gate. When she is putting her laptop back in the case, she feels something odd inside. She pulls out a large ginsu knife.)

Husband: “Uh, honey? What is that doing in your bag?”

Friend: “Oh, my gosh! I forgot to empty my bag from the [Company] conference! I was doing a demonstration with the knife, and I put it in here to bring home and never took it out!”

Husband: “How did TSA miss that?!”

Friend: “I don’t know! What should I do?”

Husband: “There’s a trash barrel. Quickly! Put it in there!”

(They gathered their belongings, knife hidden underneath her jacket, ran up to the trash barrel, and threw it away. I wonder what else gets missed.)

Insecure About Your Security

, , , , , | Working | April 18, 2019

(I work as a contracted security guard at a university. My company’s posting is at one of the university’s newest acquisitions, a former corporate campus. Staff and faculty move in slowly over several months. This takes place one day while I am out on my rounds; I discover that a previously empty section is now occupied.)

Woman: “Excuse me, you can’t be up here.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Woman: “I said you’re not allowed to be up here. You have to go.”

(I gesture to the keys and radio on my belt.)

Me: “Ma’am, I am Security Officer [My Name] from the main gate-“

Woman: “Yeah, you’re contractors, right? So, you’re not supposed to be where we are.”

Me: “That’s not true. We can—“

Woman: “No, your place is at the gate. Not where we’re working.”

(A few of the other people in the department hear her and chime in that they agree.)

Me: “I see. Well, regardless of how you feel seeing us around, we’re allowed to be here.”

Woman: “But I said–“

Me: “Part of our duties requires us to go on patrol and check to make sure that not only is everything all right, but to help anyone who asks. That means that we have access everywhere and are allowed to go everywhere. That ensures that we can get to any emergency at any time. Also, contractors are not any less important than ‘real’ employees; we’re usually the first ones anyone calls.”

Woman: “You’re not Public Safety. You’re not real security.”

(I finally lose my patience.)

Me: “My $300 security guard license says otherwise.”

(I walked away, the woman still talking angrily. I notified my site supervisor, who pulled me off of rounds and went up to the new department herself. She experienced the exact same thing I did, and took down the names of every single person in that area. My supervisor then filed a harassment complaint with Public Safety, who made the ENTIRE department take a harassment and sensitivity course. You bet they were sunshine and rainbows the next time we saw them!)

Not Happy With This Tree-tment

, , , , , , , | Right | April 15, 2019

I do landscaping for a major chain restaurant and I notice that a tree has Borers and needs an injection. I tell the managing partner, who informs me she does not want to spend the $50. I tell her the tree will die, and she repeats that she does not want to spend any money. I tell her she can call any tree company, pick one out of the phone book, or ask friends, but the tree needs the injection or else.

She continues to say she does not want to spend any money. I give up; she is the customer and is therefore always right.

The following season, I am at the restaurant having dinner, and she sits down and asks why the tree is dead. I reminded her of last fall’s conversation, and she is pissed at me. She says she’s going to “rip the d*** thing out of the ground.”

I just keep my mouth shut and think of how she saved $50 at a cost of $700 to remove and replace the dead tree.

Rear Windows 95

, , , , , , | Learning | April 10, 2019

Way back in the late 90s, my grandma treated me and my younger cousin to a class to learn HTML. I was 18 and my cousin was 15. It was an all-day class with an hour lunch break in the middle. There were five or six other people who all seemed to be taking the class as part of their job training; my cousin and I were the only people under 30.

This was back when computers had just started having those scrolling text screensavers, and I’d learned how to change the text — not hard, I know, but it was new enough that many weren’t used to them at all. Over lunch, my cousin and I were the first ones back because we’d just brought lunch rather than driving to a restaurant and coming back. We were bored, so I changed some of the scrolling text screensavers, mostly to things like, “HI!!” or some Simpson’s quotes, but on one guy’s computer I change it to say, “I know what you did and you’re not fooling anyone.” Typical but tame high-school-prank type stuff.

I don’t know if anyone noticed the silly or simple texts, but the man at this last computer was one of the last ones to return from lunch. He sat down and saw the text, and sat there for a few moments, reading it as it repeated across his screen. He said to the woman next to him, “Did you do this? Who did this? How do they know?!”

He seemed really shaken, and of course now that I’m a proper grownup I feel a little guilty, but I still laugh hysterically every time I think of it.

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