They Are Not In Concert With Your Dinner Plans

, , , , | Related | December 4, 2018

(My family is eating Thanksgiving Dinner. We’ve said grace and have been eating for about five minutes, little clusters of us all engaged in different conversations over the meal, when my aunt speaks up.)

Aunt: “All right, everyone!”

(We quiet down, expecting her to have some kind of announcement.)

Aunt: “Your first assigned topic is to discuss your first concert. [My Father], you go first!”

(We all stare at her blankly for a moment.)

Aunt: *more forcefully but with overzealous cheer* “[My Father], what was the first concert you attended?”

(My dad eyed her confusedly, before going back to discussing a recent golf game with my uncle while my aunt scanned the group with an expectant smile on her face. None of us ended up participating in our “assigned topic discussion.”)

Forming An Unsavory Opinion Of This Student

, , , , , | Learning | December 1, 2018

(I’m an academic advisor. Most of my students are freshmen, so they don’t know how the registration process works. I send a short email with bullet points of all the information they need, and tell them they need to meet with me at some point during the next two weeks so they can be ready to register for spring classes. One student comes to see me. They have a question about another issue, and I tell them where to go to resolve it. They show me the forms, and I again tell them to go to the other office and they’ll fix the issue. We talk about classes, but they don’t know what to take. I look at their records and tell them two classes I strongly recommend taking ASAP, and pick out four other possibilities and suggest choosing two of those. The student seems satisfied.)

Me: “Okay, look over these, go to [School Website], and pick out the sections to make a schedule you like. Then, you’ll need to fill out this pre-registration form and bring it back for me to sign, and then you’re all set to register online on [date the following week].”

Student: “Okay. Wait, what about [issue we talked about before]? I need you to fix that.”

Me: “Oh, no, you need to go to [other office] to fix that; they’re in the next building.”

Student: “Oh, okay. Then can you sign this form?”

Me: “Your forms for [issue]? No, [other office] needs to sign them.”

Student: “No, this form, [the pre-registration form they haven’t filled out yet].”

Me: “Sorry, no, that’s the one you need to fill out with your classes, and I’ll sign it once it’s filled out.”

Student: “Oh, okay.” *starts to gather their things* “Okay, thanks! Oh, before I go, can you sign this form?”

Me: *staring* “No, that’s the one you need to fill out first.”

Student: “Oh!” *laughs* “Sorry, okay.”

(The student gets all their stuff in their bag, stands up, takes the form from my desk, and moves as if to leave.)

Student: “Thank you for your help! Oh, wait, I need you to sign this form.”

Me: “No. That’s the pre-registration form you still haven’t filled out. I can’t sign it before you fill it out. Come back anytime before [date next week] and I’ll sign it. Then, you can submit it at [location] and you’ll be ready to register online.”

Student: *pause* “Oh…”

Me: “Fill out that form, then bring it back for me to sign. If I’m not here, drop it off with the receptionist, and I’ll sign it and submit it for you.”

Student: “Hmm…” *leaves, without another word*

(Yesterday was the student’s registration day, and they never brought back their form. Maybe it’s an antiquated system to have to get the advisor’s signature, but it’s not really that hard.)

Who Could Say No To A Burrito?

, , , , | Right | November 25, 2018

(I’m at a quick-service Mexican restaurant for dinner. I’m not able to finish my meal in one sitting, so I decide to go up to the counter to ask for a to-go container. I was told when I first ordered that some of the equipment used to prepare the food isn’t working properly; one of the stovetops won’t turn on, and as a result the employees are forced to do some of their cooking on the heated tortilla presser. Obviously this means that orders take considerably longer to make than usual. When I get up to the counter, there’s a couple — a man and a woman — ordering. The woman taking the order explains the situation to them, and they say:)

Male Customer: “That’s fine. We’ll have two burritos, please.”

(Because she can’t cook the tortillas on the stovetop like she normally would, she has to press each tortilla and wait for each one to heat up on the presser individually, which takes a little while. The woman behind the counter apologizes profusely for the wait throughout, and each time, both the man and the woman say:)

Male & Female Customer: “It’s fine; don’t worry about it.”

(Once the tortillas are both ready, she asks:)

Employee: “Do you want any rice or beans on your burritos?”

Male Customer: “I want rice and black beans.”

Female Customer: “I just want rice.”

(She puts the rice and beans on the tortillas, and asks:)

Employee: “What kind of meat do you want?

Male Customer: “I want steak.”

Female Customer: “I don’t want a burrito.”

Employee: “Oh, I’m sorry. I must have misheard you, ma’am. Did you want something else?”

Female Customer: “No, I just changed my mind. I don’t want anything anymore.”

(The woman behind the counter was forced to throw out the tortilla with the rice into the trash. Wasted ingredients, wasted time. And that’s the story of how it took me nearly ten minutes to get a to-go container.)

 

The Worst Noodle Cup Flavor Ever

, , , , , , | Right | November 20, 2018

I am working the front desk at a veterinary hospital when a man comes in to tell us that he has discovered worms in his dog’s stool. He wants us to test the sample he has brought.

The problem is that he’s brought the sample in a dirty noodle cup because “that’s all he had at the time.” I tell him that we cannot accept the sample but that we’d be happy to test another.

He then tells me it will be a long time before he can bring another in, because he’ll have to go looking for the worms again.

I wind up having to get one of the vet techs to explain to the man that we examine for eggs under a microscope, not visible worms, and that under no circumstances can we accept a sample that is sitting in noodle sauce. I’m not sure he ever understood.

Little Girl Sworn To Secrecy By Older Sibling Finds Loophole By Talking Baloney

, , , , , , | Related | November 15, 2018

My father, the youngest of four, was born in the mid-thirties, so this would have taken place in the late forties.

One day he discovered that his mother had brought home a whole salami, and thought he’d just have a little bit. Temptation got the better of him, and his sister caught him polishing off the last of it. He swore her to secrecy, saying, “No matter what, you don’t know anything about the salami.”

An hour later, their mother walked in and his sister walked up to her and said, without any prompt, “What salami?”

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