GPS: Great Practitioners Of Stupidity, Part 5

, , , , , | Working | April 17, 2018

(It’s my first year at university and I am still getting used to the new buses I have to take. The bus app is malfunctioning, so I have to remember my bus times from memory. I get on one bus and ask the driver a question.)

Me: “Does this bus go to [Intersection]?”

Bus Driver: “I only follow the GPS.”

Me: “I know, but it should be a stop. I just want to make sure I’m on the right bus.”

Bus Driver: “I just follow the GPS. I don’t know.”

Me: “Really?”

Bus Driver: “I just follow the GPS.”

(Since I was 90% sure I was on the right bus, I stayed on, and I was right, but what bus driver doesn’t know intersections?)

Related:
GPS: Great Practitioners Of Stupidity, Part 4
GPS: Great Practitioners Of Stupidity, Part 3
GPS: Great Practitioners Of Stupidity, Part 2

The Machines Are Among Us

, , , , | Working | April 11, 2018

(I work for my parents in a family-run restaurant. Our debit machine is printing out faded receipts. My dad likes for me to call the bank who services the machine, because he doesn’t speak English too well, and I can translate for him after. We usually have small problems with this machine, so I’m used to the voice of the recorded messages and the choices that come from calling the bank. I am currently waiting for the next representative to help me.)

Phone Representative: “Hello, this is [Bank]’s Merchant Support Services and Supplies. How may I help you?”

(I’m thinking this is the same recorded message and that I should wait until the actual representative picks up to respond.)

Phone Representative: “Hmm, seems to be another pocket dial.”

Me: “Oh, my gosh! I’m so sorry; I thought you were a robot!” *facepalm*

Phone Representative: *starts laughing* “No, no, you’re talking to a real person. I’ve been around longer than all those robots. How can I help you?”

(He helped me with my problem smoothly, but during the call I felt so embarrassed. In my defence, he sounded just like the recording! He probably is the one who recorded the company’s phone greeting.)

Disproportionately Cents-less

, , , , | Right | April 11, 2018

(I am the manager of a chain bookstore location. Customers who purchase items on our website can return online purchases to any store location; we simply enter the order number into the register and the computer takes care of the rest by processing the refund amount to the original method of payment — credit card, gift card, etc. The customer gets a print-out to show that the return has been processed. On this particular day, I am on the floor when a cashier at the cash desk has just processed an online return for a customer.)

Cashier: “[My Name], can you help out with this?”

(I approach the cash desk.)

Me: “What can I help with?”

Customer: “I returned this online order, but the computer isn’t refunding the correct amount!”

(I look at the return print-out and see that the original purchase was $53.21, and the refund amount processed is $53.20. Starting to wonder if the customer is really upset over a difference of ONE CENT, I speak with the customer.)

Me: “I apologize. The computer must have rounded off the tax differently when it did the original purchase to when it calculated the refund amount.”

Customer: “So? It charged the one cent to my credit card! What are you going to do about it?!”

(Canada stopped using pennies a few years ago, so now our lowest coin in circulation is five cents. Realizing it’s pointless to even begin to argue with a customer over ONE CENT, I open the till and give the customer a nickel.)

Me: “Here’s five cents.”

Customer: *suddenly happy* “Thank you!” *she walks off*

(Over 15 years in retail and over five years as a manager, and that was the first time I ever had somebody upset over ONE PENNY!)

Sausage Fe(a)st

, , , , , | Right | April 9, 2018

(I work in a butcher’s shop.)

Customer: “Do you have… It’s like a dog. But not a dog. It’s chicken!”

Coworker: “…?”

Customer: “It’s long!”

Coworker: *pauses to think* “Chicken sausage?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Analogies Stick Around After Dessert

, , , , , , | Related | March 27, 2018

Years ago, when I first started dating my now-husband, we were together with his kids: a five-year-old daughter and a seven-year-old son. I don’t know how this conversation got started, but we were discussing relationships boundaries. As far as “looking” went, I said that my philosophy with my significant other was, “It doesn’t matter where you get your appetite from, as long as you come home for dinner,” meaning that I can’t stop them from “looking,” but it is not something that I am insecure about. I didn’t even think about the kids being there, figuring they wouldn’t understand what I was talking about.

Wrong!

Months later, we were all in the car driving somewhere. While stopped at a light, I noticed a nice-looking guy walking by and started checking him out — not ogling or drooling, just looking — when suddenly from the back seat, his daughter screamed out, “[MY NAME], STOP CHECKING OUT THE MENU!”

I laughed so hard, then. Thirteen years later, I still kid her about it.

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