What Love-ly Service!

, , , , , | Working | March 23, 2020

(I am calling the bank to confirm some details. I have an effeminate voice, despite my gender, and someone with a masculine voice answers.)

Bank Company Representative: “[Bank] Customer Service, how can I help you?”

Me: “I need to ask some questions about a charge to my account.”

Bank Company Representative: “Yes, ma’am.”

(He confirms my account and identity details, and we go through the details I need to know. We prepare to wrap up the call.) 

Me: “Thanks for explaining that to me; you’ve been great.”

Bank Company Representative: “Is there any other way I can help you today?”

Me: “Nah, that’s all. Have a great day. Bye!”

Bank Company Representative: *got distracted* “Oh, uh, I love you.” 

(There was a gasp of horror and the representative hung up quickly. I couldn’t help but laugh, since I guess I sounded like his girlfriend. My wife also thought it was hilarious. I gave him a good rating when I got the survey questionnaire. He was a good employee, after all.)

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The Car Wash Needs A Wash

, , , , | Right | March 14, 2020

(Late at night, a customer comes in and makes a quick beeline to our bathroom. Unfortunately, it’s a single stall and currently occupied.)

Me: “Sorry, man, I think someone’s in there right now.”

Customer: “Oh… I guess I’ll grab a pack of cigarettes while I wait.”

(As he makes his way over to the counter, I notice he’s limping and exhaling deeply.)

Customer: “I’m about to piss my pants.”

Me: “Sorry, buddy. I need your ID, though.”

(I watch as he moves very slowly and deliberately to reach his wallet. By the time he’s paid, he’s red in the face and yelling in pain from holding it in. I have no idea what to say and don’t want to embarrass him, so I just thank him deadpan and give him his change. He runs out the door, I presume to find a bush or something. I shouldn’t let him pee just anywhere, but it’s dark and I sympathize, so I pretend he just left. About an hour later, he comes back in.)

Me: “Hey, how’s it going?”

Customer: “Oh, uh, hey…”

(Still not feeling the need to embarrass him, I pretend I don’t remember him or that it never happened. But as he wanders around the store shopping, several times I hear him stifling giggling to himself. He grabs some snacks and makes it back to the counter.)

Me: “Anything else for you?”

Customer: “Naw, that’ll be good.” *giggles*

(I want to ask what happened, but I figure I’ll just let it go if he doesn’t mention it first. However, on the way out the door…)

Customer: “Hey, did you know that your carwash has a huge drain?”

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A Fraudu-dent Claim

, , , , | Legal | March 8, 2020

A few years ago, my teenage brother was in a slow-speed rear-end accident. He was at fault, but the damage to the other driver’s car was so minor that the cops had to bend down and squint to see it; the dent was barely the size of a dime. They exchanged insurance information, and my mom encouraged him to take photos even though both drivers were okay and there appeared to be no damage.

About a year later, we got a notice that the other driver was suing for $17,000 with a laundry list of complaints and supposed injuries, the pinnacle of which was “loss of enjoyment of life.” The letter was from one of those freeway billboard lawyer firms, which makes us suspect that she spent the ensuing months trying to find a lawyer that would buy into her claims.

Eventually, we got a notice that the insurance company had settled, but we have no idea for how much. We hope it wasn’t for much more than a $3 dust rag to clean her car.

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Unfiltered Story #187743

, , | Unfiltered | March 4, 2020

(I’m working at a table in the bakery. An elderly man starts examining the rack of prepackaged hot dog and hamburger buns. The packages have stickers with the price, but for whatever reason, the larger sign with the prices isn’t on the rack.)

Man: Hey, how much are the slider buns?
(I call out from where I’m standing, as it’s a simple question and I’m the only one in the bakery.)
Me: $2.49.
Man: I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking you!
Me (louder): TWO-FORTY-NINE.
Man: I don’t know!
Me: Two dollars and forty-nine cents, sir. That’s the price.
(The man continues to mutter variants of “I don’t know, I don’t know.” I’m beginning to wonder if he’s objecting to the missing sign when another customer standing nearby speaks up.)
Other customer: $2.49. That’s what she said.
Man: Oh!

(In retrospect, the man was probably hard-of-hearing and I should have walked over closer… but I can’t imagine what he thought I was saying to him!)

When A Mad TV Sketch Goes Awry

, , , , | Romantic | March 3, 2020

(I work in a third-party call center as a sales rep for a major cell phone provider. I am a female in my mid-twenties and I grew up in the country. I’m talking with a guy who sounds like he’s from the inner big city. I have no problem with the inner city; it just helps set the scene. The call has gone like it normally does but without a sale because the customer doesn’t have enough money to put down on the phone he wants: an iPhone, what else? Cue eye roll.)

Me: “Well, I’m sorry we couldn’t set you up today, [Customer]. Do you have any other questions for me?”

Customer: “Yeah, what’s your phone number?”

Me: “Um, it’s 1-800 [Cell Phone Carrier].”

Customer: “No, yours, baby girl!”

Me: “Mine?”

Customer: “Yeah, you sound hot and just my type!”

Me: “Okay, first of all, that’s against company policy, and second of all, do you realize how sad that sounds?”

Customer: “Uh…”

Me: “You should really base your feelings on getting to know a girl’s mind and heart rather than sound and looks. If you want to actually spend time with someone for long periods, wouldn’t it make more sense to actually like them as a person?”

Customer: “Well, when you put it that way… I guess you’re right. I’m sorry.”

Me: “I appreciate the compliment, but I hope you put more thought into what you say in the future. Thank you for calling [Cell Phone Carrier]; we hope to hear from you again!”

(I got an earful from my supervisor even though she was trying really hard not to laugh. I didn’t get into too much trouble because I was still technically in the training period, and she told her boss that I was still getting a feel for how to deescalate uncomfortable situations. I was further trained to just say, “Thanks, but I’m married,” and I still use that now even though I’m no longer there. It’s true, I am happily married, but even that doesn’t seem to stop people.)

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