Nerfed That Meeting

, , , , , , | Working | March 9, 2018

(The programs department at our library likes to have us employees “test” new activities before they put them in place for the general public. One morning before we open, they hand out Nerf guns and declare that we’ll be having a “Nerf War.” Soon, every employee is running around, hiding behind bookshelves, and cackling like mad as they fire foam projectiles at each other. In the midst of all this, the phone rings, and I hold up a sheet of white copy paper as a “flag of truce” while I run to the phone and pick it up.)

Me: “Community Library. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Speaker: “Hi, this is [Administrator]’s husband. Can I talk to her?”

Me: “Of course.” *winces as someone shrieks in the background* “Can you hold, please?”

(I run back out under my makeshift “flag of truce,” and tell the administrator her husband is on the phone. She shifts her Nerf gun to one hand and grabs the phone with the other.)

Administrator: “Hello? Hey, hun… No, I haven’t had a chance; I’ve been in meetings all morning. Okay, talk to you later. Bye.” *hangs up*

Me: *eyes her Nerf gun* “Meetings all morning, huh?”

Administrator: “Yup. *runs out to re-join the Nerf war*

(Whoever said librarians are a boring lot has never actually worked with them.)

Creating A Cocoa-phony Of Bad Flavor

, , , , | Related | March 6, 2018

(I’m making brownies, and my three-year-old little brother is helping. I measure the ingredients and he pours them in. For this particular recipe, you mix the cocoa, baking soda, oil, and water together before adding sugar.)

Brother: “It looks yummy! I’m gonna taste it!”

Me: “Don’t taste it yet. There’s no sugar in it. It’ll taste gross.”

Brother: “Nuh-uh! It’s chocolate; it’ll be yummy!”

(And to prove me wrong, he dips his finger in the incomplete batter and takes a big lick of it.)

Brother: “See, [My Name]? It’s yum—” *face slowly crumples in a grimace of disgust* “Ick!”

Me: *laughs* “Go get a drink of water, and then come back and help me add sugar.”

(I let him lick the bowl after we’d finished to help him forget the taste of sugarless cocoa. Sometimes a kid just has to learn things through experience, I suppose.)

A Library Of Sarcastic Comments

, , , , | Working | February 3, 2018

(I’m the misbehaving employee in this story. I tend to be a bit snarky and sarcastic, but I can usually “turn it off” at work. Today, I’m shelving DVDs when a woman pulls a DVD off the shelf, loses her grip on it, and drops it on the floor. The snark just pops out before I can stop it.)

Me: *cheerfully* “You can just set that down anywhere, ma’am.”

Patron: *laughs*

Me: “Oh, my gosh. I’m so sorry. That just popped out of my mouth.”

Patron: “It’s okay! It was funny!”

Me: “Thanks. Sorry, I speak sarcasm as a second language.”

Patron: “We should get you a t-shirt that says that.”

(Thanks for being a good sport about it, lady.)

Suffering From Tissue Damage

, , , , | Right | February 1, 2018

(It is 6:30 in the morning. I’m sweeping the aisles when I run into a coworker being berated by a rather unfriendly-looking customer. I go over to help.)

Me: “Is there anything I can help you with, ma’am?”

Customer: “Hopefully. This girl doesn’t seem to know what she’s doing.”

Me: *smiling, trying not to freak out* “What can I help you find today?”

(She pulls out an ad from her purse and points.)

Customer: “I’m looking for this box of tissues.”

(My coworker had found the aisle with tissues on it, and correctly pointed to the right box, a 90-count tissue box from a generic brand. I show the customer that these are the tissues she’s looking for, the same ones shown in the ad. The customer then gets furious with both of us.)

Customer: “I want to speak to someone who knows what they’re doing!”

(Our manager isn’t in that early, so I just get a checker with higher authority. I bring her over to the customer, and again the customer points to our ad.)

Customer: “I’m looking for this!*angrily jabs finger at picture in ad* “This box of tissues! Is that too much to ask for?!”

(The checker then calmly looks at the ad and shows the customer the box count, and shows the box selection of tissues to the customer that is on sale. The customer then starts freaking out, yelling at all three of us, and saying how terrible we are at our jobs. At this point she’s screaming and saying she “wants this box, and this COLOR, because it matches her decor.” All three of us have an “ah-ha” moment, so to speak. She wants these tissues, but also the color in the ad, which is, as most of us know, out of our control.)

Checker: “Yes, that is too much to ask for.” *smiles, then walks away*

(The customer, beyond furious by now, leaves her cart and screams as she walks away.)

Customer: “I’m never shopping here again!”

(All that, over tissues. Needless to say, I saw that same customer about a month later.)

Your Review Is Under Negotiation

, , , , , | Working | January 24, 2018

Boss: “[My Name], do you how long these performance self-reviews usually are?”

Me: “What? Like, when printed out? Usually about two pages, right?”

Boss: “Yes. And yours is 11.”

Me: “How many pages did I tell you it was going to be?”

Boss: “Well, 30, but…”

Me: “You’re welcome. If you’d like, the review window is still open; I could expand on it. I might be able to get that baby up to 100 pages by next Monday.”

Boss: *sigh* “You did warn me you’re terrible at being political.”

Me: “Yes, but I’m an expert at hostage negotiations.”

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