(My brother has just came back from vacation in Virginia. Our sister-in-law, who is 20, sees him pull out cash to pay for the airport parking.)
Sister-in-law: “You switched your Virginia money back to Florida money already?”
(My brother and I, who are six years apart in age, are seated together on a sky-lift at an amusement park while one vacation. A couple of teenagers — boy and girl cuddling — pass us going the other way. The teenage boy gives me a ‘bro nod,’ followed by a thumbs-up.)
Me: “Did you see that? That guy just gave you a thumbs-up.”
Brother: “What? Why?”
Me: “I think he thought we were together.”
Brother: “No way.”
Me: “I don’t know whether to be creeped out because he thought we’re dating, or flattered because I’m a thumbs-up.”
Me: “Hello, may I please speak to Jane Doe?”
Customer: “Which one? One’s my wife and one’s my sister.”
Me: “Jane L. Doe.”
Customer: “That’s my sister. She’s a crackhead. We don’t associate with her anymore. She still owes me hundreds of dollars.”
Me: “Well, do you know anyone who could get in touch with her? Maybe your parents?”
Customer: “My parents don’t talk to her anymore either. And even if they did, I don’t want to hassle them over my good-for-nothing crackhead of a sister. Why do you want to talk to her?”
Me: “I need to speak with her regarding the property on [address].”
Customer: “That’s my house. What Jane Doe did you say you were looking for?”
Me: “Jane L. Doe.”
Customer: “Oh, that’s my wife. She’s not a crackhead. She’s at church.”
(A woman and her boyfriend walk into the store and up to the cake showcase.)
Me: “Is there anything I can help you with?”
Customer: “Yeah, I need a cake for my sister’s birthday. I want that one…” *points to the cake of her choice*
Me: “Would you like me to write anything on it?”
Customer: “Yeah, put ‘Happy Birthday, [Sister’s Name]’. No, wait… make that, ‘Happy Birthday, Slut’.”
Customer’s Boyfriend: “Do you think you should put that on her birthday cake?”
Customer: “Yeah, why not? She a slut!”
Customer’s Boyfriend: “Yeah, you right.”
Customer: *motions to me* “Go on, write that!”
(I go into the back to write “Happy Birthday, Slut,” and bring the cake back out.)
Customer: “Oh, that’s perfect! Thank you!”
Me: “… have a nice day, ma’am.”
