It’s Not Made Of Husband-Of-The-Year Material

, , , , | Right | June 30, 2020

I am a sales associate in a well-known lingerie store. I notice a male in his late thirties customer looking around.

Me: “Hello, sir, can I help you find anything today?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for a gift for my wife. She’s big, huge, pregnant, and feeling bad about herself, and I want to show her that I know that her body is going to go back to how it was after she has the baby.”

I was speechless. He then bought the cheapest camisole and silk briefs that were on clearance, and they didn’t even match. To the wife, whoever you are, I’m sorry!

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Maybe Just Stick To Chicken Jokes

, , , , , | Right | June 30, 2020

“Duck shoes” — leather upper, rubber sole — are popular. We only sell athletic shoes — Nike, Reebok, etc.

Girl: “Do you have duck shoes?”

Me: “No, their feet are too wide and we find it hard to fit them.”

Girl: “Okay.” *Walks away obliviously*

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Not Exactly Fall-Down-Laughing Delivery

, , , , , | Working | June 30, 2020

I’ve always had a reputation for being a joker; I love to make people laugh, and because of that, I answer questions in unconventional ways.

I was working at a multi-level pharmacy with the restrooms in the basement. I was standing at the registers with a coworker who was sweet, but a little… dim.

A customer came up and asked where the restrooms were. I explained:

“They’re on the lower floor. Down the beer aisle is the stairs. Walk down that way and when you fall down, that means you’ve found them.”

My coworker thought it was pretty funny. Not hilarious, but it usually gets a chuckle. 

Ten minutes later, another customer asked my coworker where the bathrooms were.

“Walk over there and fall down.”

Cue headdesk.

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An Alarming Lack Of Concern

, , , , , | Right | June 30, 2020

One of my regular customers has a son with autism. Her son is fascinated with the date of Halloween, and he likes me because my birthday is on Halloween.

One day, he comes in with his mom, and right after he gives me his usual hug, the fire alarm goes off for testing. The boy covers his ears and screams, running behind my register to hide. He’s not in my way, but he is making a lot of noise to drown out the alarm.

Boy’s Mom:Oh! I am so sorry, [My Name]. He doesn’t like sudden and loud noises.”

Me: “It’s fine. The alarm won’t last long. He’s fine back here.”

A customer approaches and decides they need to involve themselves in the situation.

Customer: “You should be ashamed! All he needs is a good whipping.”

Boy’s Mom: “He has autism. Loud noises upset him.”

Customer: “Nonsense! Let me spank him! I’m in a hurry and he’s upsetting me. That’ll teach him.”

I stop scanning the mom’s items and move to block the entrance to get behind the register.

Me: “If you’re in such a hurry, we have self-checkouts. He’s fine where he is.”

The customer grumbles but goes away. A manager for the store has seen the incident.

Manager: “If she complains, I’ll let them know what happened.”

Finally, the alarm tests ended and the boy’s mom told me how to signal to him. I checked them out and he gave me a hug like nothing had happened and left. Turns out the lady did try to report me, but she blew the whole incident out of proportion and the manager just smiled and nodded. She was quite shocked to see I wasn’t fired.

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Unfiltered Story #199811

, , | Unfiltered | June 30, 2020

( I opened up a checkout lane at work because long lines were forming. My first customer absolutely made my day.)
Me: I can help the next guest on checklane 8!
Small Child and Mom come to my lane
(Small child runs up with a box of candy and a handful of change)
SC: (big smile) This is mine and I’m buying it! (Hands me $.65)
Me: (rings up candy that cost $1) This candy costs a dollar, do you have more change?
SC: (slghtly condescendingly) I don’t have a dollar. I’m not a millionaire.
(Mom was unloading her cart while this was happening)
M: ( small child’s name)!
SC: I’m not!
Me: (heroically not laughing aloud)
M: Just add it to my total, please…