Aisle Try Again

, , | Right | February 22, 2018

(I’m working in the health, beauty, and cosmetics aisle near the store entrance.)

Woman: “Do you have epsom salts?”

Me: “Yes, we do; they’re in this aisle.”

Woman: “I can’t find them. I’ve looked everywhere.”

Me: “I’ll show you where they are.”

(I take her down the aisle. When we get to the epsom salts, about three quarters of the way to the end, she says this:)

Woman: “Oh! I didn’t think to look this far down the aisle.”

(I guess “everywhere” doesn’t cover as much ground as it used to.)

Going By The Book Leads To Colorful Encounters

, , , , , | Right | February 21, 2018

(A customer came up to my register with a coupon and a coloring book. One of our major coupon exceptions is books. I explain this to her.)

Customer: “Yeah, but this should still work.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid it won’t. That’s a book.”

Customer: “No, it’s a coloring book. That’s not a book.”

Me: “But it’s a coloring book. It’s still a book.”

Customer: “No, books and coloring books are completely different.”

Me: “It’s a coupon exception.”

Customer: “Well, then you should list coloring books in your exceptions.”

Me: “We list books and magazines. This is a book.”

Customer: “No, it’s a coloring book.”

Me: “Yes. A coloring book.”

(She continued to insist that books and coloring books were different, leading me to just shut up and finish ringing her up.)

If I Had A Dollar Every Time I Heard That

, , , | Right | February 21, 2018

(I’m currently sweeping the parking lot, and I’m prepared for dumb customer jokes that I’ve heard a hundred times.)

Regular: “After you’re done doing that here, come over to my house!” *laughs*

Me: “Hmm, okay, but I charge a hundred dollars an hour.”

Regular: *seems genuinely offended*

Me: “…”

The Adventures Of Captain Camp And Mother Russia

, , , , , | Right | February 20, 2018

(I work for a high-end women’s clothes shop. The anti-theft devices have been playing up, but the head office doesn’t feel it’s an issue as customers haven’t complained about it to them. We have to thoroughly check everyone who sets it off. A woman is walking out with her male friend and the device goes off. I head over for the fifth time today. I greet them both, and we determine it is the woman the anti-theft thing does not like. She has a non-UK accent, but I can’t place it. With her permission, I check through her belongings, but I can’t find anything.)

Me: “Okay, you seem good. I’m just going to put your coat and bag separately through the door, just to check. Then, could you step through, please?”

(I wave both items through and no noise. The woman jokingly takes her shoes off to check, then walks through. Still nothing. The woman is putting her things back on.)

Me: “I am really sorry about this. It’s been misbehaving for a few months now.”

Woman: “It’s fine, sweetheart. These things happen. See you later.”

Me: “Have a good day.”

(The woman goes to join her male friend outside. The alarm goes off. We all look at it.)

Man: “You know what this is, right?”

Woman: “What?”

Man: “Divine intervention. I told you your outfit was whack, and now the door is like, ‘Guuuuuurl, them shoes with that coat?’” *finger snap* “’No, honey.'”

(The woman laughs. I call over to my manager who’s nearby.)

Me: “[Manager], the doors are sassing customers.”

Manager: *holding contact card* “Please could you submit your complaint to [email]?”

Woman: “Oh, we don’t have any complaints; this was funny.”

Manager: *slightly pleading tone* “Please?”

Me: “It must have been a harrowing experience.”

Manager: “Unable to shop without the alarm sounding.”

Man: *catching on* “Being treated like a common thief.”

Manager: “Exactly.”

Man: “Being judged for terrible fashion choices.”

Me: “Yes. You don’t deserve that.”

Manager & Me: “You’re paying customers.”

Manager: “So, please, tell the head office how you felt singled out.”

Man: “Victimised by the doors.”

Woman: *confused* “What is going on?”

Man: “The alarm thing is broken and has been annoying as f***, as a result. Head office ain’t gonna do jack unless customers complain about them.”

Me: “The number is free phone!”

Woman: *laughing* “I’ll complain for you.”

Man: “Same. I’ll also share it with a few friends.”

Me: “Thank you so much.”

Manager: “We are sorry to ask it, and for your random spot check.”

Woman: *now with thick Russian accent* “I ham up accent on phone.” *points to the man* “He will ham up the gay. Use trigger word!”

Man: *very camp voice* “It’s discrimination, darling!”

Woman: “Captain Camp and The Russian Lady will aid you!”

(They leave. A couple of weeks later our anti-theft devices are replaced. Whilst they’re doing the job:)

Manager: *under her breath* “Thank you, Captain Camp and The Russian Lady.”

(When the customers came back, they got the highest discount my manager could give!)

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Lack Of Register Does Not Register, Part 9

, , , | Right | February 20, 2018

(Although we use a combination of lights and signs at each lane to tell customers when a register is not open, customers often ignore them. In order to deter customers from coming to our registers when they aren’t open, we resort to blocking the lanes off with display barriers and move them only when a lane is open. I’m busy counting out a register so I can go home and I have my lane blocked off. A lady in line at the open register next to mine sees me.)

Customer: “Are you open?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I’m sorry, but I’m not open.”

(Despite there being only two people in front of her, she gets out of the line and comes to my lane. She tries unsuccessfully to move the barrier I’ve put up.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but this register is closed.”

(The customer leaves and I think nothing of it. Suddenly, she walks all the way around the registers and enters my lane through the other side. She pushes away a sign that says, “Closed. Please check next register,” and begins unloading her shopping cart at my register.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I’m not open.”

Customer: “Why didn’t you say anything? I’ve already unloaded my cart.”

Me: “Ma’am… not only is my light not on, but I’ve also blocked off this lane and put up a sign saying I was closed. You literally tried and failed to move the barrier. Even if I was open, I’d be taking the next person in line. If you had just listened to me and not tried to cut in line, you’d probably be almost finished checking out. I’ve already closed out this register and I cannot help you.”

(I watches as she loads her cart back up and walks all the way back around to the back of the line for the open register, which now has an additional three people in front of her. As I walk away, she still has to get the last word in.)

Customer: “You really should let people know you’re not open!”

Related:
Lack Of Register Does Not Register, Part 8
Lack Of Register Does Not Register, Part 7
Lack Of Register Does Not Register, Part 6

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