(The store where I work has a three month return policy with receipt. I tend to be slightly more lenient with that policy, as much as I can without breaking it, by offering people trying to return past that date with store credit. Most people graciously take the offer. I am working with a man in his mid-30s trying to return a toy he bought for his son about five months before.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but the register will not process this refund because you bought this merchandise five months ago, and our return policy is three months. But if you’d like, I can offer you a store credit. That way you can still replace it if you wish.”

Customer: “I have never been treated so badly in my life! I paid cash for this item, so you’re going to give me cash back!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but it plainly says the policy is three months on your receipt, and it says so on this board behind me, too.”

Customer: “I have never been to a store with any kind of f****** return policy. A better store would take it back even if it were years old!”

Me: *slightly annoyed because that isn’t true whatsoever* “Well, that may be, sir, but at our store, policy is three months. It’s either my offer of a store credit or nothing.”

Customer: “Get me your manager!”

Manager: “Is there something I can do for you?”

Customer: “Yes. I want this toy returned, but she won’t give me cash for it. She’s only offering store credit, but I paid cash. I want my cash back.”

Manager: “Our store policy is three months and you’re well beyond that. I think she’s actually being quite generous with you by offering store credit. She’s not turning you away with nothing.”

Customer: “I paid cash and I want cash!”

Manager: “I’m sorry but it just isn’t going to happen. You can either take the store credit my employee so kindly offered you, or you can leave.”

Customer: *grabs toy and leaves in a huff*

Me: *explaining whole story to my manager*  “It’s been five months since he bought that toy and he only just took it out of the box, too.”

Manager: “Doubt he ever even showed it to his son.”

(My family moved from Sweden to America when I was a teenager. As a result, we had pretty obvious accents. In high school I got a job at a clothing store. Most people who heard me speak either seemed curious and would ask me where I was from or simply didn’t comment. One day, an older man walked into the store and came up to me.)

Man: “Hello, I was wondering if you could point me to the restrooms?”

Me: “Oh, of course! They’re just down this aisle. I can show you if you’d like.”

(The man stared at me suspiciously for a few long moments before he motioned for me to step a little closer. I did so nervously. His expression was very, very grave and serious.)

Man: “Tell me straight. Are you a communist?”

(I barely managed to suppress my laughter and assured him that I was not a communist. I then quickly showed him to the restrooms and proceeded to laughed myself sick.)

(I work weekends in a novelty store which has a very strong Harry Potter, fairy tale, magical, old-school turn of the century boutique, theme. Sounds confusing, but customers find it fun. Basically our store looks like any shop out of Diagon Alley, minus the actual magic. Our store mostly sells bath salts, handmade soaps, some books, and stationery like notebooks, pencils and such. Our store sign has the big company name with “Apothecary to the Magical” underneath. It’s all part of the fairy tale theme we have running. So many customers seem to see the word “Apothecary” which is an old word for chemist (pharmacy) and seem to stop reading there. We get at least one person a day asking about remedies for back problems, or travel sickness, even though one look around the store would make them realise we aren’t that kind of store. A customer walks in, perhaps late fifties, or early sixties in age, and walks up to my young coworker. I’m nearby setting up a display.)

Coworker: “Hi, welcome to [Store].”

Customer: “Hi.” *speaks low, but I still hear* “Do you have anything that can help me get an erection.”

(Both I and Coworker freeze, unable to believe what we’re hearing.)

Coworker: “Excuse me?”

Customer: *slightly louder* “Do you have anything that can help me get an erection?”

(Coworker turns tomato red and I’m covering my mouth to stifle laughter.)

Customer: *oblivious to our reactions* “I don’t trust any of them blue pills from doctors; something natural and herbal has gotta be better.”

(My coworker wishes she could vanish right now, and I’d love to step in and help but I’m doubled over trying not to laugh.)

Customer: “So, you got something to help with an erection?”

Coworker: *still bright red* “No. No, we don’t.” *goes on to explain how we’re a novelty store and the word “Apothecary” is all part of the theme*

Customer: *looks around, finally noticing the bath salts, notebooks, etc..* “So, nothing to—”

Coworker: “No! No, sir… Sorry?”

Customer: “Okay.” *walks out of store*

(I turn to coworker, still stifling laughter.)

Me: “Wow, that was awkward.”

(I worked as a cashier at a large retail business when I was younger. I had this conversation on almost a daily basis.)

Me: “Would you like a plastic bag for your item?”

Customer: “Oh, you better. I don’t want to set the security doors off when I leave.”

Me: *playing along, not wanting to embarrass them* “Oh, they won’t be set off. I deactivated the product!”

Customer: “You better, just in case it didn’t work.”

Me: *silence*

(The customers just couldn’t understand that a micro thin plastic bag would not negate the security system.)

(I work at a well-known bookstore chain. We have two locations that are near to one another and I work at one of the two. A woman comes up to the customer service desk where I work and immediately begins to yell.)

Customer: “The person at the register told me that my book that I ordered WEEKS ago is not up there. What did you people do?”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that; let me take a look into it. What was the name of the book?”

(She tells me and I look it up, the book was not ordered through us so I’m not able to find it in the system.)

Me: “Ma’am, are you sure you ordered it at this location and not the other one?”

Customer: “I’m positive I ordered it here, but it could have been at the other location… Shouldn’t you know?”

(I call the other location and they confirm the order was placed there and it’s waiting for her pick up. I inform the woman of this.)

Customer: “So, it’s not here? Can you get it here?”

Me: “We can have them ship it over here but we won’t receive it for a few days.”

Customer: “No, I need it today. This is so unacceptable. I can’t believe you people are so unaccommodating. I will never shop through you people ever again.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry to hear that, but if you order through a location, that’s the location it ships to unless specified.”

Customer: “Stupid. Your company is stupid.”

(She turned around and walked out. She did not keep her promise of never shopping again since I have had to deal with her several times since.)