A woman is standing close to the customer service desk in the lobby area of our superstore. She’s looking around, confused for a moment, so I ask:

Me: “Do you need any help, ma’am?”

At least that’s what I had intended to say. I got maybe two or three syllables in before she recoiled from me and let out a blood-curdling scream that would feel at home in a horror movie.

Customer: “Oh my god! You terrified me!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

She had looked right at me a couple of times, so I was a bit confused.

Customer: “I thought you were part of the building! Since when did [Store] start hiring such tall women?!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m 5’10”.”

Customer: “They should keep giant Amazonian women like you in the back where you can reach stuff! Scary giants shouldn’t be at Customer Service waiting to pounce on poor customers!”

Me: *Trying to change the subject.* “Ma’am… did you need any help?”

Customer: “Where is your food court?”

Me: “That’s the other side of that display, ma’am.”

Customer: “Such a big display, too! It’s blocking the view! I bet you put that together, didn’t you, with your giant manly hands!”

Me: “…good day, ma’am.”

My manager came by later, laughing her a** off to tell me about a complaint she’d received about “a giantess attacking customers at the entrance”.

Me: “What did you say?”

Manager: “I actually told her it was our entrance troll, and she should consider herself lucky as normally she’d only be allowed in if she could answer your riddle…”

About ten years ago, I was on medication that required me to drink lots of water to stay hydrated. Thus, frequent bathroom breaks. 

At the time, when I had to go, I’d just make the trip and not make a fuss about it. My department manager was very controlling and said he needed to know what was going on ALL THE TIME. After a couple of weeks, he informed me:

Manager: “I’m writing you up for not informing anyone about your bathroom breaks.”

I made sure I talked to him directly over the next couple of days every time I had to go. And everyone in the store with their walkie-talkie on heard me.

Me: “Hey, manager, you needed to know when I’m going to the bathroom. I’m gonna go potty now. Thanks for asking about it.”

Me: “Hey, manager, I’m taking a pee right now… Should it hurt when I pee?”

Me: “Hey, manager, I need to do #1 and #2. Hope it all comes out okay.”

A few minutes later:

Me: *Flush!* “Looks good, I’m back on the floor.”

He calls for me as I’m urinating:

Me: “Hey, manager, you were looking for me? I’m in the bathroom. Be with you in a sec, I gotta use both hands now.”

Store managers and HR stepped in at that point and said I didn’t need to go the TMI route. I responded wide-eyed and as innocently as I could:

Me: “I don’t want to get in trouble… [Manager] told me he absolutely NEEDS to know about my bathroom breaks. I was merely doing what I was directed.”

They said they’d take care of it, and I was specifically asked to never call out bathroom breaks again. 

My coworkers were laughing about this for weeks.

I work in a retail superstore in Alaska, one of the first ones that visitors to the state come through after arriving here.

A customer pulls me from a conversation I’m having with another customer to angrily ask:

Customer: “Why did the bathroom faucet water make my hands all red?!”

Me: “Ma’am, did you let the water warm up before wetting your hands?”

Customer: “No! It was freezing!”

Me: “Ma’am. We’re in Alaska, and it’s thirteen degrees.” *Minus ten in Celsius.* “You need to let the water warm up before you stick your hands in it.”

Customer: *Slightly less aggressive.* “Does… does this happen to everyone?!”

Me: “No, usually just the people who stick their hands in freezing water.”

Customer: “I wanna return this phone case.”

Me: “What’s the reason for the return?”

Customer: “I sto… got the wrong one.”

Me: “Hmm… lemme guess, no receipt?”

Customer: “…”

Me: “…”

Customer: “…F***.”

He just walked out, briskly at first, then full sprinted away. He left the ‘wrong case’ behind.

Our store has a customer who comes in like every couple of months purely just to spread her own brand of misery. I don’t always realize it’s her and greet her, and she just holds her hand up and snaps:

Customer: “No talking! I don’t want you talking to me!”

Good enough for me! So, the rest of us just leave her alone. One time, there were no other customers in the store apart from Ms. Misery-Guts. Since she didn’t want us talking to her, we were talking among ourselves.

Customer: “I said no talking!”

Me: “We weren’t talking to you, ma’am.”

Customer: “No talking among yourselves, either! You’re all at work! You shouldn’t sound like you’re having fun!”

Me: “Ma’am, we are happy to respect your wishes and only talk to you when you ask us to, but you can’t control who else we talk to.”

Customer: “If it bothers the customer, then you need to stop doing it!”

Me: “No, ma’am. We’re not behaving in an antisocial or disrespectful manner; we are simply talking. We do not need to stop doing it.

Customer: “Then I want to talk to your manager!”

Manager: “That’s me, ma’am. I’m one of those people you don’t want talking, so I can’t help you.

She gave us all an unhappy “hmph!” and left the store to go darken someone else’s day.

Since that day, every time she came in, it was immediately obvious that she hated it when the rest of us looked like we were not miserable at work, so we made sure to overplay how much of a good time we were having.

Manager: “Why couldn’t the jalapeno practice archery? Because it didn’t habanero.”

Us: *Laughs.*

Customer: “What did I tell you about work?! This is not a place to have fun! Your work ethic is deplorable!”

Manager: “Ma’am, if existing in public is such an inconvenience for you, have you considered online shopping?”

She half gasps, half glares, and storms out again. Our manager just shrugs:

Manager: “I swear, she’s like that “quit having fun!” meme.”

Thanks to that awesome manager, we didn’t always have to pretend to be having a good time at work.