This one particular brand of product has a 100% money-back guarantee, no questions asked. We have a woman who constantly takes advantage of this by buying a bottle and then pocketing half the product and returning it, claiming she isn’t satisfied. And sadly, even though we argue this with the brand, they force us to keep the policy or lose the line.

Customer: “I need something to help me lose weight and I only want it in [Brand].”

My coworker rolls her eyes, knowing where this is going. She helps her pick something out, and I ring her out. A mere TWO HOURS later, guess who comes strolling through the door holding a half-empty bottle?

Customer: “I want to return these; they didn’t work.”

Me: “So you didn’t lose any weight… in two hours?”

Customer: “Yes!”

I pick up the bottle and notice it’s — of course — half empty.

Me: “Did you take half this bottle in the last two hours?”

Customer: *Obviously lying* “Yes, I did, and it still didn’t work!”

This is when Ephedra is still allowed in weight loss products.

Me: “You should probably be at a hospital, ma’am!”

Customer: *Getting angry* “I’m fine! Just give me my money back!”

Not long after, the brand finally realized what a nightmare their policy was. After the woman started getting very angry and was caught trying to steal, we were allowed to ban her. The day she tried coming into the store and I got to tell her to get the h*** out was soooo satisfying.

During the latest health crises and civil unrest, most firearms stores have been completely wiped out of product. This is particularly true for states with heavy restrictions on what they can have.

As a sales rep for a firearms wholesaler, I am well aware of the desperation of many of these dealers. They are trying to stay in business and cannot get product to sell. One of my restricted state customers knows by now that I only call him if I have guns that are okay to ship to him.

Customer: “I’ll take it.”

Me: “Great!”

Customer: “Matter of fact, I’ll take two.”

Me: “Perfect! That’s exactly how many I have. And one of the other.”

Customer: “Fantastic! Get them here as soon as you can!”

Me: “On it!”

Customer: “Thank you so much. Now, what did I buy?”

Twenty years on the job, and this was by far the easiest and most memorable sales call ever.

I am sixteen, working at a hardware store return desk. At the return counter, we stand under a soul-sucking sign that states in bold letters that if the customer is not satisfied with their purchase for any reason, we will exchange or refund the price of the item. No lifesaving asterisk… no exceptions.

My favorite customer was a man that, over the course of four years, came in every few months to return a flashlight pack (that came with batteries) which he bought to use for work. He would use it until the batteries died and then bring it in and exchange it for a new flashlight with batteries. If we even tried to talk to him about it, a high-pitched “FOR ANY REASON!” screech would reverberate through the entire store… and I would just hand him a new flashlight.

He single-handedly brought that sign down. Great man.

I work in the garden center of a home/garden store. An older-looking man comes to the register.

Customer: “Excuse me, do you guys have any panties?”

I’m glad I’m wearing a mask as I can’t imagine the expression that must be on my face, but I keep it together enough to say:

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “You know, the flowers with the girly name.”

Me: *Sighs* “You mean pansies?”

Customer: “Yeah, pannies, panties, pansies, all the same thing.”

No, they aren’t.

Me: “Last table down on the right.”

Well, at least I wasn’t dealing with a perv at 10:00 am!

We had our second lockdown, which lasted around three months, and during that time, we were still working. We sell mostly furniture and kitchenware. Our Click & Collect service got a big notch up and went from around seventy orders a week to 1,000 a day.

One day, I spotted a customer on his way into the store while my colleague was busy talking to another customer. First, I thought that something had been dropped off of his order, as he was walking in with a cart filled with things. I approached him and told him he couldn’t enter the store as it was closed. He looked confused and asked why the others got their items if they hadn’t been shopping in the store. That confused me for a second, but I told him that they got their items through our Click & Collect service and we handed it to them.

He huffed and said he wasn’t there to collect anything but to return some items.

Me: “I’m sorry, but we’re closed, which means you can’t return anything. You have to wait until the store is allowed to open again.”

Customer: “I’m here now, so why can’t you just take it back and give me my money?”

Me: “We are not allowed to do so. You’re not allowed to even get into the store, so please leave. I’m sorry that we can’t help you now, but once we’re open again, we’ll be happy to help you return your items. Until then, please be patient.”

Customer: “I want to return my items now. I’m here, so what’s the problem? The registers are just over there, and I don’t need cash; just transfer it to my credit card.”

I’m sighing inwardly, not really wanting to deal with this man. Fortunately, our team leader has noticed and comes over, asking what the problem is.

Customer: “I want to return my items. Now.”

Team Leader: “That is not possible right now. You’ll have to wait until we’re allowed to open the store again.”

Customer: “I can’t wait for that and I’m here. I can’t see what the problem is.”

Team Leader: “The problem is that it’s not legal for us to do so right now and we could get a fine if we gave in to your demands. So, leave and wait for us to open again.”

Customer: “BS. You’re making this up.”

Team Leader: “We are not allowed to let customers into the store, no matter whether they’re buying or returning. Please leave now or I’ll have to call security.”

The customer huffed but turned and left at the threat of security coming.