Not Quite Up To Speed

| PA, USA | Working | May 19, 2014

(I’m driving the speed limit on a major road when a cop car, which had been parked on the median, swoops out behind me and turns its lights on. I pull over thinking that I must have a taillight out. I open the window and wait for the police officer to approach.)

Me: “What’s the problem, officer?”

Cop: “You looked like you were going pretty fast back there.”

Me: “What? I was going the speed limit. What did you clock me at?”

Cop: “Well, I didn’t have my radar on but you looked like you were going fast.”

Me: “Wait, what? You didn’t even clock me? What cause do you have to pull me over, then?”

Cop: *realizing he’s made an unlawful stop* “Uh…never mind. Just slow down! *starts jogging back to his patrol car*

Me: *shouting after him* “Hey! HEY! I WANT YOUR BADGE NUMBER!”

(The cop jumped in his car and tore off WAY over the speed limit with his lights on.)

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Needs To Go To 911, 101

| SC, USA | Right | March 20, 2014

Me: “911, what’s the address of your emergency?”

Caller: “I need the number for the phone company.”

Me: “Ma’am, this is 911. Do you have an emergency?”

Caller: “I need the number for the phone company!”

Me: “Okay, so just to clarify: you do not have an emergency at this time?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. Call me back at this number and I’ll see what I can do to help you.”

(At this point I gave her the non-emergency number and she hung up. I grabbed the phone book while I waited on her to call back.)

Me: “This is the [City] Police Department. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I need the number for the phone company.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. I’ve got the phone book in front of me now. There are three numbers listed here, which do you need? I have one for billing, one for establishing service, and one for repairs.”

Caller: “No! I need the number for the phone company that I can call and get someone else’s phone number.”

Me: *pause* “Do you mean 411, ma’am?”

Caller: “Yes! That’s it! Thanks!” *click*

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Driving Home Good Music

| Bridgetown, ME, USA | Working | December 19, 2013

(I’ve been pulled over, which I’m no stranger to, as I have a lead foot. However, this time I’m not speeding.)

Officer: “Do you know why I pulled you over tonight, miss?”

Me: “No. I’m sorry; I don’t.”

Officer: “Well, your music was very loud when you drove past me. It’s loud enough that it shook my windows.”

Me: “I’m so sorry. I’ll keep it down low. I didn’t realize how loud it was.”

Officer: “I’m going to have to give you a written warning— Hey, I like this song. What is it?”

Me: “It’s [Song] by [Artist].”

Officer: “You know what? You have good taste in music. Forget the written warning. Have a great night, miss.”

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Policeless State Versus Stateless Police

| NC, USA | Working | December 16, 2013

(I am borrowing my mother’s boyfriend’s SUV. He is from New York and still has a New York license plate on the rear of the SUV. He has removed the front one, which is required by New York state law to be on there. I am driving in North Carolina, which does not have front license plate laws. I have just been pulled over.)

Officer: “Can I see your license and registration, please?”

(I hand them over.)

Officer: “Okay. Who is the owner of this vehicle?”

Me: “My mother’s boyfriend, [Name].”

Officer: “Do you know why I stopped you?”

Me: “I haven’t the slightest.”

Officer: “When I passed you, I noticed that this vehicle is from New York. You do not have a front license plate.”

Me: *confused* “Okay?”

Officer: “You do know that is required by New York state, correct?”

Me: “Yeah, I know. But we are in North Carolina.”

(The officer looks dumbfounded. There is an awkward moment of silence.)

Officer: “I’m going to run these. I’ll be right back.”

(The officer leaves and returns a few minutes later. He hands me a piece of paper.)

Officer: “I’m giving you a ticket for not having a front license plate on this vehicle. I have circled your fine for you at the top.”

(I read over the ticket. It clearly says that I have willfully and unlawfully driven a New York registered vehicle without a front license plate.)

Me: “Sir, I don’t think you understand. You do not have the authority to enforce New York state law.”

Officer: “But I am from New York, and I know that it is illegal.”

Me: “But you are a North Carolina police officer, correct?”

Officer: “Yeah. What of it? Your ticket clearly states what you are accused of.”

Me: “I don’t think yo—”

Officer: “Sir, if you want to dispute the ticket, you can take it to the [County] courthouse.”

Me: “So you ACTUALLY think you can cite me for this?”

Officer: *blank stare*

Me: “Call your sergeant down for me.”

Officer: “He’s not going to drop this.”

Me: “CALL. HIM.”

(A few minutes later, another squad car pulls up. As the sergeant gets out, the officer bombards him with the situation. He finally hands the sergeant the ticket he wrote me.)

Sergeant: *pointing to me* “So you wrote this for him?”

Officer: “Correct, sir.”

(The sergeant walks up to me. He says hi, and looks over the SUV.)

Sergeant: “I’m guessing I’m here because the greenhorn over there somehow made it through the academy.”

Me: “So, you see the problem with this, too?”

Sergeant: “I’ve heard of the problems this particular officer has been making. We’ve had a few complaints, too.”

Me: “Not surprising. But uh, can I leave? Or…”

Sergeant: “How about we have fun with this? Take your ticket over to Officer [Name], and tear it up in his face. Try to do it right in front of the squad car.”

Me: “I like you. A lot.”

(I did it too, and right in his face! The officer exploded when I did it, screaming and cussing at me like I was a loose convict. The sergeant let me leave. As I was getting back in the SUV I heard the sergeant yelling at the officer about how he can’t enforce other states’ laws. Judging by the officer’s look, he still didn’t understand.)

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Driving In Laps

| Ohrid, Macedonia | Right | November 21, 2013

(I used to work as a police officer back in old Yugoslavia. One summer night, I do a routine stop for a speeder. Surprisingly, it’s an old Fiat 500. I walk up and the window rolls down. I see the driver, a man. On his lap is a woman.)

Me: “Um, sir. Do you know why I pulled you over?”

Man: “Yes, I think I was speeding.”

Me: “You think? Well, it’s also because you have a woman on your lap.”

Man: “What are you talking about? I don’t have anyone on my lap!”

Me: “Sir, I am not stupid. There is a woman on your lap!”

Man: “Officer, I assure you there is no woman on my lap! Have you been drinking tonight?”

Me: “Okay, then. Sir, please step out of the car.”

Man: “What? I’ve done nothing wron—”

Me: “Step out of the car, sir.”

(The man comes out and so does the woman on his lap. As they exit, I look into the car and see another man in the passenger seat, also with a woman on his lap.)

Me: “Everyone step out of the car!”

(The other man and his woman friend step out as well, but unbelievably I see another 6 women come out of the back seat, 3 of whom had been sitting on the other women’s laps. As they all line up in front of me, I still can’t believe my eyes. 10 people—2 men and 8 women—somehow piled into this one tiny little car. I was so astonished that I let them go! I just made sure no one was drunk and that the driver had an open lap. Even then, I still followed them home to make sure they didn’t get into a wreck.)

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