Unfiltered Story #160186

, | | Unfiltered | August 21, 2019

(While out doing cleaning rounds I ran into one of our residents, a nice enough older gentleman, if not a bit odd. He informed me he had just bought a new firearm. Being a bit of an amateur gun enthusiast, I was delighted when he offered to show it to me. He opened up the box and took it out of it’s plastic so I could see it. Fast forward to a few days later when he comes into the office:)

Resident: I need to talk to you about [manager].

Me: Oh? whats the problem?

(He then launched into a full blown conspiracy theory that a certain lock box with “important and damaging evidence” was missing from his garage. His thinking was that since our manager had a key “it had to be her” that took it. And she was part of some organization that was “trying to keep him quiet” about the evidence he had.)

Me: Are you sure it could not have just been misplaced? (I’m trying to be polite, but this conversation is making me uncomfortable, besides being out right nuts, and I’m not sure what to do with him since I’m the only one in the office.)

Resident: I may have to kill her. That documentation is valuable.

(He continued on his rant for a little longer, repeating that last part several times before the owner called me into the back room. Where he had been listening in via the video feed. We agree, the guy is nuts.)

Me: You realize he has a gun, right?

Owner: He HAS a gun?

Me: Yep, he showed it to me just the other day, pulled it out of the box and everything.

Owner: You are sure he has a gun?

Me: Yes, he pulled it out of it’s box and actually showed it to me!

Owner: Well that changes this whole thing.

(Needless to say, he was not happy that someone was threatening a member of his staff and that person had a firearm. And our manager was very disturbed when she found out that someone had threatened her life. The gentleman was promptly reported and taken into psychiatric custody.)

Unfiltered Story #159861

, , , | | Unfiltered | August 2, 2019

(I’m showing a woman an apartment unit. We both step on the elevator along with a present tenant. I’m making small talk, and she tells me she was uncomfortable because there were no benches in the lobby to sit on.)
Tenant: The management doesn’t like people sitting down.
Woman (visibibly distressed): Really?!
Tenant (sarcastically): Oh definitely. They’re facists.
(The tenant gets off the elevator on his floor.)
Woman: Is that true? Does management really not want people to sit down?
(I stare at her a moment before assuring her that we had nothing against people sitting in the lobby, we just haven’t gotten any benches in yet. She seemed relieved!)

Please Tell Me This Is A Knock-Knock Joke

, , , , , | | Right | July 15, 2019

(The company I work for was recently contracted to provide security for an apartment building in a low-income area. The managing company has had a real problem with trespassers and illicit activities. Visitors must come to the desk and tell the guard on duty who they wish to visit. The guard then calls the tenant for permission to let the guest past the lobby. No answer? No entry.)

Me: *after getting the visitor’s name* “Who are you here to see?”

Visitor: “[Tenant].”

(I look up the tenant’s phone number and call. The phone rings. And rings. And rings.)

Me: “[Tenant] isn’t available.”

Visitor: “Can I go up and knock?”

Bob Bobbertson Of Bobtown

, , , , , , , | | Working | June 30, 2019

(A friend of mine is from the Middle East and has a slightly unusual name. His fiancée lives in a gated complex and every time he goes to visit her this exchange will happen at the guard house.)

Friend: “I’m here to visit [Fiancée]. My name is [Slightly Unusual Name].”

Guard: “Could you spell that, please?”

(My friend gets tired of that routine, so the next time he drives up to the guard house, the exchange goes like this:)

Friend: “I’m here to visit [Fiancée]. My name is Bob.”

Guard: “Could you spell that, please?”

(Mental face-plant on the steering wheel.)

An Incredible Story About Stories

, , , , , | | Legal | May 11, 2019

A few years ago, I came home from a New Year’s party, walked past my car and suddenly stopped. I did not have a convertible, but the roof looked quite, well, missing. It turns out that a huge slab of ice detached from the roof of the house I was parked under and hit my car squarely on the roof so it was lying basically flush on the back seats, essentially totaling it since it was about 20 years old and barely able to pass inspection anymore. The total worth of the car was, maybe, if I was lucky, 100 bucks. More likely, the worth was negative because it costs to take it to the dump.

I took pictures, got the police to record everything, and handed my claim for the replacement of the car to the owner of the apartment building. To my surprise, he refused to pay. I handed the whole mess to my lawyer, he said we’d win this, and off he went.

Come September, my lawyer called. We’d won, and got me 800 bucks for my car — worth, again, maybe 10). But, in his words, “those insane idiots” could not have done it worse. In the lawsuit, of course, the question arose about how could that ice slab even happen? After all, if there had a person in my car, an ice slab caving in a car roof could easily have killed them.

Turns out, the apartment building didn’t have certain gadgets on the roof that are mandatory for buildings taller than four stories to prevent such things from happening. Why didn’t it have those gadgets?

Because, according to what the town — and hence building inspectors — knew, the apartment was only two stories tall.

So, not only was the company owning it in violation of the building code — by itself something that is very expensive if you get found out — our tax guys were very interested in them suddenly having way more apartments to let than he “officially” had.

In the words of my lawyer, “Seriously, if I pulled that stunt, I’d hand you ten grand for your 20-year-old wreck of a car and tell you to shut the eff up about it.”

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