I’m Not Your Bro And My Dog Isn’t, Either

, , , , , | Friendly | September 2, 2020

I live in a large apartment complex and a lot of people like to mess with my dog, but this one entitled dude takes the cake.

Entitled Dude: “Hey, that’s a nice dog. What breed?”

Me: “Thanks. He’s a pit mix.”

Entitled Dude: “How old is he?”

Me: “Almost five.”

I continue walking.

Entitled Dude: “How much do you want for him?”

Me: “What? He’s not for sale. He’s my ESA.”

Entitled Dude: “What’s an ESA? And name your price.”

Me: “Emotional support animal, and no. He’s not for sale.”

Entitled Dude: “You don’t need a dog for emotional support; he’s a pit bull, anyway. That’s a fighting dog. Let me buy him; I can make lots off of him.”

Me: “Dude. He’s not for sale. Just leave us alone.”

Entitled Dude: “Come on, man. Everyone has a price; name it.”

Me: “This is the last time I’m saying this. He. Is. Not. For. Sale. Bye.”

This dude proceeds to follow me on the rest of our walk back to my apartment building. I get nervous because I notice he’s walking behind me.

Me: “Dude, stop following me. You got a problem?”

Entitled Dude: “Nah, bro. I just want your dog, bro. Come on, bro!”

Me: “I’m not your bro, and no. Seriously, f*** off. You’re not having my dog. Come near me or my dog again and you’re gonna end up in the hospital.”

He leaves.

Four hours later, I am walking my dog again and a police officer comes up to talk to me and asks if I am who I am. I say yes, and he says he was called because I threatened to stab someone. I tell him the situation, tell him who the guy was, and show him a video of the guy following me. He just apologizes for the situation and goes to find the guy. So, yeah. People suck.

A week goes by and my wife is walking my dog because I am in the shower. I get out to five missed calls and thirty text messages. This guy tried to STEAL MY DOG from my wife. He talked to her for a minute and then tried grabbing my dog by the harness and taking off, but my dog slipped out of his hand and a neighbor stopped him from hurting my wife or dog.

He tried hitting my VERY pregnant wife before the neighbor tackled him. They called the police and he got arrested for stalking, assault, and attempted kidnapping. In my state, ESAs are considered people and are taken very seriously. The nerve on this guy.

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Junk Mail Is Inevitable, Even If You Die

, , , , , , , | Working | August 21, 2020

I was living in the same building as my landlady. Her husband passed away while I was living there, and five years later, a certain organization is still sending him mail every four months offering a large discount — in bold letters on the envelope — when he renews his subscription. I try to intercept these as much as possible, which isn’t too bad because my landlady has become an invalid and most nurses and assistants coming in to tend to her don’t recognize the name and leave it in the hallway.  

As she is put to bed fairly early and is unable to get up, I’ve made a habit of checking in with her in the evening before going to bed to see if she needs anything. If she happens to receive a letter addressed to her deceased husband, I’m sure to hear her life story and how unhappy it was all over again, so intercepting the mail isn’t totally selfless. 

Each time I intercept the letter, I return it, marked “deceased”. After five years, I have had enough of it and, frustrated, I cross out the address and write, “Moved – new address – [Famous Local Cemetery] – plot to be asked for”.

The letters have finally stopped.

I sometimes wonder if they finally got the message or if the cemetery is receiving junk mail now.

This story is part of our Best Of August 2020 roundup!

Read the next Best Of August 2020 story!

Read the Best Of August 2020 roundup!

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It’s Free Real Estate

, , , , | Friendly | August 17, 2020

I’ve just moved into an apartment building, and nobody told me that it comes with a storage unit. I only notice when I go to do my laundry. I’m single and living alone and don’t have a lot of stuff. Nevertheless, I put a lock on my unit. The units are see-through so you can tell that there’s nothing in mine.

Soon, my upstairs neighbor stops me and asks bluntly if he can use my unit. I immediately say no; what if he puts something illegal there and I get blamed? I don’t even know him! He asks again and I say no again and practically run away.

Soon after, I notice that my lock has been cut with something and my unit is full of paints! I’m furious. I cut the new lock off, fill my unit up, and lock it again. This seems to please the neighbor.

But really, who sees someone’s empty unit and thinks, “Hmm, I’ll steal it!”? A child in man skin.

I report him to the manager, but then, another upstairs neighbor tries to steal my empty parking space. They really need to screen better.

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All Rent Out Of Shape, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | August 15, 2020

This might be an “Am I The A**hole?” moment.

I work in the office of an apartment building. Due to recent events, we have several of our renters “on hold” as far as rent is concerned, with plans to work out payment options as things get back to normal. The apartment owners have been very understanding about the whole thing and are very willing to work with renters in this troubling time.

However, one of the precautions we’ve taken is that we are only fulfilling emergency maintenance orders — things like sudden leaks, sparking outlets, or other issues that would be actually dangerous to leave untreated. All others we are holding off on until it is safer.

I answer a call.

Me: “Hello, this is [Apartment]. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “When is the maintenance guy getting here?!”

I vaguely recognize their voice.

Me: “I’m so sorry; I don’t think we have anyone scheduled as coming out today. What was the emergency?”

Caller: “My door!”

This jogs my memory a bit, and I page through to an email that came in over the weekend.

Me: “Mrs. [Caller]?”

Caller: “Yes! When is he getting here to fix my door?!”

Me: “Unfortunately, as we stated in our response to your request, a squeaking door hinge is not considered to be a valid emergency at this time, and so is not something that we can have someone come out to fix. You could—”

Caller: “Unacceptable! That’s is not acceptable! I pay you [slurs] a lot of money; you should be jumping to get this fixed!”

Me: *Not really thinking* “Oh, really? I didn’t know you’d started paying rent again.”

There was dead silence on the other side before she followed with an angry wordless shout and then hung up. I feel somewhat bad for calling her out, but on the other hand, she really isn’t paying anything to stay here right now, so I don’t think she really has grounds to be demanding that people come and risk exposure for something like a squeaky door.

All Rent Out Of Shape

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When They Can’t Handle You Speaking Up For Yourself

, , , , , | Right | August 6, 2020

I work security and concierge for a high-end condo complex and have been doing so for ten years. I am female. I am covering for another guard who broke a hip in a major auto accident.

As the site is an extremely expensive condo complex, I have been warned that some of the residents, all very rich people, are… well… a trifle rude and overbearing to those they consider beneath them.

As an aside, I broke my back a year before I took this site and I am unable to lift or carry anything over ten pounds. I am lucky to still be able to walk.

I am at my post greeting residents, calling for the valets to bring their cars, arranging for limos, and coordinating deliveries for them when one well-heeled resident walks in the doors. She is carrying multiple heavy, stuffed grocery bags and two suitcases. She immediately drops them on the floor of the lobby.

Resident: “You!” *Points at me* “Take those up to 713! Now!

I stare at her. This woman is at least fifteen years younger than I am, and since she doesn’t have a job — a “kept” woman — she spends a large chunk of her day working out in the complex’s extensive gym. While we may arrange for cars and drivers and do other minor tasks for residents, we are not to leave our post and are absolutely not their personal slaves.

Even though I am bristling and just itching to tell her off, I have to remain polite.

Me: “Ma’am, I am building security and cannot leave this post.”

Resident: “Pick up those bags and take them upstairs now! I have more important things to do than talk to useless menials!”

Me: “Right now, the only important thing you need to be doing is learning some g**d*** manners. Pick up and carry your own d*** bags!”

The resident’s face goes bright red and she stalks off towards the elevators, without the bags and suitcases, which she leaves in a pile on the lobby floor.

Me: “Hey, you! If you don’t have these bags cleared out of this lobby in ten minutes, they’re all going in the garbage!”

The resident muttered a string of expletives as she got into the elevator. I gave her a little longer than ten minutes and then had another worker help me drag the bags into the security office. Had she come back even within a couple of days, her stuff would have been returned — any longer and a lot of the groceries would have spoiled — but her precious groceries ended up being donated by me to a women’s shelter.

I kept the suitcases and their contents in Lost & Found for three months and then donated them to the same shelter. I figured the hard-working, very deserving women who were forced into that shelter deserved all that nice stuff far better than that rich b**** did.

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