Not Going To Let That (Mud)Slide

, , , , , , | Right | December 31, 2018

(It is New Year’s Eve. A teenage boy comes up to the register with a few packs of vodka mudshakes.)

Teen: “Just these, thanks.”

Me: “Have you got your ID?”

Teen: “Oh, yeah, it’s just in my car.”

Me: “Sure. I’ll keep these up here while you go and get it.”

Teen: “I don’t want to trouble you.”

Me: “It’s no trouble at all.”

(He wanders around near the entrance for a bit, where I see him talk to a bunch of other teenage boys. He then comes back in.)

Teen: “It looks like someone’s broken into my car and stolen everything, including my ID.”

Me: “Oh, my goodness! You should call the police.”

Teen: “Yeah, I’ll drive straight down to the station from here. So, how much for these?”

Me: “I still need to see your ID.”

Teen: “But someone stole it.”

Me: “I know, and you should call the police right now.”

Teen: “I’m thirty, you know.”

Me: “And as soon as you prove that, you can buy your… mudshakes.”

Teen: “Mudshakes. Right.”

(He leaves the store and goes back to talking with his group of friends. A second teenage boy then walks into the store and stands in one of the wine aisles, pulling faces and scratching his head. He grabs a few random bottles, and then approaches.)

Teen #2: “I would like to purchase these fine wines for my sophisticated dinner party with my work friends tonight.”

 Me: “ID, please.”

(He hands over his learner’s permit, revealing that he is 17.)

Teen #2: “They got my year of birth wrong; I’m really 23.”

Me: “I strongly doubt that.”

Teen #2: “Can I at least buy the mudshakes? They’re basically just chocolate milkshakes.”

Me: “No.”

The Gift Card That Keeps On Giving, Part 9

, , , , , , , | Right | December 28, 2018

When I was working as a cashier, especially around the holiday season when gift card purchases went through the roof, our boss told us it was mandatory to check IDs for any gift card purchases made over $50 if they paid by card. All of the local stores and restaurants in the area were made aware of a series of scams where people were stealing credit cards and running around town to spend the money on gift cards before the victim could cancel the card.

I had a customer come to the register and ask for a single $50 gift card, which is strange, anyway, as we were a sandwich shop; usually large gift card purchase totals were done as several cards of a smaller amount. When she said $50, I was looking directly at the register screen, punching in the security codes necessary to process a gift card while I asked her for an ID.

The woman went crazy at me for racially profiling her, and ranted at the guy standing behind her as she fished cash out of her purse and threw it on the counter it at me, then went into her purse again for her wallet. I told her that the ID was only necessary for credit card purchases, not cash. I said that she hadn’t had cash in hand when she made her request and I had assumed that a large purchase would have been made by credit card, so the ID was no longer necessary. She still thrust her ID within five inches of my face, all the while still ranting at the man standing behind her in line, who stared blankly at her the whole while with his arms folded.

The bills she handed me were two twenties and a ten. By management and corporate rules, I was required to check any bill over $10 with the bill-marker. The woman started screaming again when I marked the bills, and threatened to call the police on me.

Finally, the man who was standing behind her spoke up. He was a regular of mine who managed the game store across the plaza, and he told her flat out that I was doing my job exactly as my management required and that if she had come into his store to make a similar purchase he would have required his employees to take the exact same precautions that I did.

She demanded our names and stormed out with her gift cards, presumably to make calls to both companies complaining that we were racists. My customer friend assured me that he was going to talk to my boss the next morning and warn him about the lunatic woman and her behavior to save my skin. My boss never approached me about the woman so I’m assuming my friend’s call on the matter prompted him to watch the security footage and agree to brush off the crazy woman’s complaint because I was in the right.

The Gift Card That Keeps On Giving, Part 8
The Gift Card That Keeps On Giving, Part 7
The Gift Card That Keeps On Giving, Part 6

The Need For Dash-Cams And Knowledge Of The Law

, , , | Legal | December 27, 2018

(We are camped at a state park. We have been out for the day, including a party at the home of some friends. I had a couple drinks much earlier in the evening, and by the time this happens, I am stone-cold sober. I’m a former EMT. I never drive with the slightest amount of alcohol in my system! As we enter the campground and approach the registration booth, I see another vehicle approaching on another road. I stop immediately, as does the driver of the other car. We both sit there for a couple minutes, and I proceed to the booth. The other car comes up behind me; it is a park cop, and he puts on his emergency lights. He and his partner approach my car, one on each side. This is the weekend after Labor Day, the beginning of the slow season in this park.)

Cop: “You almost ran into the side of me.”

(That’s not true in the slightest; we’d never been closer together than ten inches or so.)

Me: “I’m sorry, officer.”

Cop: “You had a stop bar there.”

Me: “A what?”

Cop: *points to the white line painted on the road* “That’s the same as a stop sign.”

Me: “I didn’t know that. I’m very sorry, officer.”

(I am pretty sure that the white line isn’t the same thing as a stop sign, but I’m not stupid. I don’t want any trouble from this guy.)

Cop: “Well, be careful.” *leaves*

(I have since checked with a couple cops I know. That white line isn’t the equivalent of a stop sign. The cops I spoke with agreed with me, that the park cops were bored and were hoping to get a DUI arrest so they’d have something to do. While I was pretty peeved at his lying to me and his inappropriate actions, I did what I needed to do to avoid any trouble.)

Lice To Meet You, Officer!

, , , , | Legal | December 20, 2018

(I am driving my sister home from a city approximately forty miles away. Due to bad traffic on the freeway, I’m driving us back using surface streets. I have had quite a bit of irrational anxiety about head lice recently, so I compulsively check my scalp with my fingers as I’m driving. As we are moving down a frontage road, a police car pulls up behind us, and the cop turns on his lights. My sister and I exchange glances.)

Me: “What did I do? Am I going over the speed limit?”

Sister: “No, it’s forty-five here. I’m not sure what’s up.”

(I pull my car over to the side and roll down my window for the police officer. I hand him my license and registration.)

Me: “What seems to be the problem, officer?”

Cop: “I’ll tell you the problem: You were talking on your phone.”

Me: “I don’t understand. Do you mean I was on my iPod?”

(I show him my iPod nano, which I did indeed mess with in order to get the song I wanted.)

Cop: “No, it was a cellphone. You were talking on your phone.”

Sister: “Oh, no! She wasn’t on her phone at all! We swear!”

Me: “I wasn’t. Maybe you saw my hand close to my scalp, but I wasn’t calling anyone.”

Cop: *condescendingly* “Well, then what were you doing? Picking at your ear?”

Sister: “No. She was scratching her scalp. She’s been worried about head lice.”

Me: *embarrassed* “[Sister]!”

Sister: “It’s true, though! You can even check our phone history. We haven’t called anyone in the past half hour.”

(Despite my humiliation, we hand over our cell phones for the cop to check. After he peruses them…)

Cop: “All right, I’ll let you go with a warning. You have to realize, I’ve had to pull over several people who have been talking on their phones while they’re driving. One driver was even still on the phone when I walked up to her window!”

Me: “I completely understand, officer. Thank you for doing your job!”

(And that’s how a compulsion of mine both nearly got me in trouble and saved my hide! I was initially frustrated at my sister for divulging my anxiety, but in the end, it probably saved me from getting a ticket for something I didn’t do.)

No Judgments, But You Were Speeding

, , , , , | Legal | December 18, 2018

(I’m dating a girl who works at a law office in a small suburb town. The attorney who owns the firm is also the head judge in the suburb. My girlfriend gets stopped for speeding on the main road through the town.)

Officer: *writing ticket* “Where do you work, ma’am?”

Girlfriend: “The law office of Jim [Judge].”

Officer: *stops writing, looks up* “You mean Judge James [Judge]?”

Girlfriend: “Yeah, but I just call him Jim.”

Officer: *crumples up ticket* “I’m not even going to bother.”

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