The Long And The Short Of It

| Switzerland | Working | January 12, 2017

(I lost my wallet with my identity card. I’ve spent four days searching everywhere but give up. Because of a possible identity theft I need to report this to the police so I can get a new identity card and mark the old one as lost.)

Me: “I have lost my wallet with my ID and need to file a report to get a new one. It’s possible that the wallet has been stolen.”

Police Officer #1: “How long has it been?”

Me: “I lost it four days ago and couldn’t find it anywhere.”

Police Officer #1: “It’s maybe a little bit too soon to file a report. Maybe it shows up again?”

Me: “Yeah, I know, but I need to get a new ID ASAP, so I have to do this.”

Police Officer #1: “Okay, wait here. Someone will come and help you.”

(After a while another officer shows up.)

Police Officer #2: “[My Name]? You have lost your wallet with your ID? How long has it been?”

Me: “Four days, I wanted to make sure I didn’t just lose it.”

Police Officer #2: “Four days?! That’s way too long to wait! You should have come here two days ago!”

Me: “…”

Secretary Providing (Breaking) Bad Service

| AB, Canada | Working | April 21, 2016

(My father’s friend has a remote hunting cabin on a corner of his property. One winter, he goes out to check on it only to find that some criminals have broken into it and set up a meth lab. Naturally, he calls the police. Not seeing it as an emergency, he calls the local RCMP detachment directly and talks to a secretary.)

Friend: “Yeah, I’m at [gives legal land location], and someone broke into my cabin and set up a meth lab.”

Secretary: “Oh, another one. Boys will be boys, am I right?”

Friend: “Um… yeah. Anyway, what should I do with all this drug stuff?”

Secretary: “Just gather it all up and throw it out.”

Friend: “WHAT?”

Secretary: “Yeah, this is so common these days; it’s really nothing to worry about. Just clean out your cabin and chuck it.”

Friend: “Don’t you need to send an officer out here to check it out?”

Secretary: “Well, if you’re THAT concerned about it, you can box it all up and bring it down to the station.”

Friend: “But… from what I’ve seen on the news, there could be all kinds of hazardous chemicals in there!”

Secretary: “Nonsense. You’ll be fine. Box up it and bring it down.”

Friend: “Okay.”

(Needless to say, my father’s friend was still rather concerned, so he decided to call 911 right away. The 911 operator was VERY concerned, and a couple of officers and a hazmat crew were soon on the scene.)

Take Ownership Of Your Crime

| MD, USA | Right | March 23, 2016

(I am a police officer, and have a woman pulled over on the side of the road for speeding, going almost 55 in a 30 school zone.)

Me: “You were speeding in a school zone so you will be getting a ticket; I need you to sign here, please.”

Woman: “Seriously? You can’t cut me a break?”

Me: “No, ma’am, I can’t. I just need you to sign here…”

Woman: *growing more irate* “This is ridiculous! I shouldn’t have to pay this ticket! This isn’t even my car!”

Me: “So, if you got in an accident driving at such an excess speed, you’re not responsible because this isn’t your car even though you’re in control of the car.”

Woman: “Well…”

Me: “We’re right across the street from an elementary school. If you hit one of these kids walking down the street you couldn’t be charged with vehicular manslaughter because this isn’t your car?”

Woman: “…”

Me: “Sign here, please.”

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Jesus Doesn’t Get Tickets

| MD, USA | Right | November 16, 2015

(My friend is playing Jesus in a production of Jesus Christ Superstar. After the performance, he changes into his own clothes, but doesn’t take off his stage makeup, including the fake blood from the crucifixion scene. While he is driving home, he is pulled over by the police.)

Police Officer: “License and registration, please.”

(As my friend hands the officer his license, the officer gets a good look at him.)

Police Officer: “Sir, are you all right? Do you need an ambulance?”

Friend: *confused because he forgot he was wearing the makeup* “Huh? Oh! I’m okay. This is makeup. I’m coming home from a performance.”

Police Officer: *so relieved that he apparently forgot why he pulled my friend over* “Oh, good. Well, drive safely and have a good night!”

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Not Quite The Speedy Resolution

| Lincoln, NE, USA | Right | November 11, 2015

(I work for a non-emergency hotline for the local police department. I take calls from the public that don’t need emergency services and, as a result, talk to a lot of people who aren’t exactly the sharpest tools in the box.)

Caller: “I want to make a report of a crime.”

Me: “All right, ma’am, can you tell me what happened?”

Caller: “I was driving on the interstate yesterday, and I saw four motorcycles speeding.”

Me: “Okay?”

Caller: “I have their plate numbers too. They are…” *gives numbers*

Me: “Okay?”

Caller: “Well? Aren’t you going to do anything about it?”

Me: “Ma’am, what do you want me to do with this?”

Caller: “Something! They broke the law and they should be punished.”

Me: “Ma’am, they might have broken the law, but unless an officer actually saw them doing it… then we have no proof. We can’t go around arresting people without proof.”

Caller: “But I SAW them!”

Me: “But you are not a member of the police force. We can’t arrest someone based solely on your witness statement. There has to be some other form of evidence.”

Caller: “Plenty of other people saw them, too!”

Me: “But none of them have called us. Even if they did, we still wouldn’t pursue those bikers just based on eyewitness statements. We would let the officer present make that call.”

Caller: “What do you expect me to do? I was DRIVING! I wasn’t going to risk MY life by trying to take a video! Those men are going to kill someone someday!”

Me: “It’s very good you didn’t take video while driving, but there’s nothing you can do. The police didn’t see it happen, so on our end nothing did happen.”

Caller: “I gave you their plate numbers. I want you to look up their addresses and write them very strongly worded letters so they understand that what they did was wrong.”

Me: “Ma’am… I’m not going to do that.”

Caller: “THIS IS SUCH A WASTE OF MY TAX DOLLARS! I CALLED YOU EXPECTING JUSTICE TO BE SERVED, BUT INSTEAD I GET SOME CRAP ABOUT YOU NOT BEING ABLE TO DO ANYTHING UNLESS AN OFFICER SEES IT! HOW DARE YOU TREAT THE PUBLIC YOU PROTECT AND SERVE LIKE THIS!”

(She continues to rant about how useless the department is and how she won’t stand for her money being wasted like this. I am now really annoyed, and trying not to tell the woman how she is the one wasting our time and money.)

Me: “All right, ma’am, I’ve found something I can do for you. I will pass your message on to someone else.”

Caller: “FINALLY! I hope you’re happy that you’ve wasted so much of my time with this!”

Me: “Not at all, ma’am, but I do wish you a good rest of your day. Drive safely. ”

(After hanging up, I turn to the dispatcher sitting next to me.)

Me: “Hey.”

Coworker: “What’s up?”

Me: “The lady I just talked to, she saw some bikers speeding on the interstate. I told her I’d tell someone about it. There you go.”

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