Time To Re-Dress Your Comments

, , , | Related | August 2, 2017

(My cousins and I are vacationing at the beach for one week. I brought a variety of clothes, most of which were casual and went into drawers, but I brought one dress that I hung in the closet. I had gotten there before the other two girls, so no one witnessed me putting away my clothes. The house we were staying in was a rental and as we were looking around we started to comment on the “retro” decor.)

Cousin #1: *in the kitchen* “Oh, my gosh! Look at this horrible green stove!”

(All three of us giggle.)

Cousin #2: *opening a closet in the hallway* “The water heater matches. Avocado green!”

(All three of us move to look at the green water heater in the closet, giggling all the while.)

Cousin #1: “…and look at that HORRIBLE old-fashioned fabric!”

(She is pointing to the dress I hung up in the closet. I stop laughing abruptly.)

Me: “That’s my dress!”

(Awkward pause.)

Cousin #1: “I thought it was an apron.”

(All three of us erupted with laughter. I will admit that the dress looked very apron-like on the hanger. My cousins both made a point of telling me how good it looked when I was wearing it, but I must admit I always felt a bit awkward wearing that dress after that.)

Screaming Until You’re Blue In The Face

, , , , , | Related | August 2, 2017

(My husband and I are first time parents, and we’ve had our baby son home for less than a month, so we are still getting used to parenting. My son is sleeping peacefully in my husband’s arms when suddenly he wakes up and just starts screaming!)

Me: “What’s wrong with the baby?!”

Husband: “I don’t know. He just started screaming for no reason!”

(I start to cross the room to check on the baby when…)

Husband: “Oh, that’s why… He’s blue.”

Me: “WHAT?! Is he okay?! Why is he blue?!”

(I start freaking out and I can’t figure out why my husband isn’t freaking out, more than that, he’s laughing at me!)

Husband: *he says through uncontrollable laughter* “The diaper… The diaper is blue. The line that indicates the diaper is wet.. It’s blue.”

Me: “Phrasing, honey…”

You’d Have To Literally Turn Those Numbers Around

, , , , | Friendly | July 28, 2017

Friend: “Wouldn’t it be crazy if Halloween fell on a Friday the 13th?!”

Me: “Yep… that would be crazy!”

(I don’t think she ever figured out her error. What’s funny is that many years later I was sharing this anecdote with another friend and he remarked “I think it did, one time, like, years ago”.)

Now You’ve Really Put Your Foot In It

, , , , | Related | July 24, 2017

(I have just gotten home from working a twelve hour shift and am about to lie down and go to sleep when my older sister barges in, screaming.)

Older Sister: “[My Name], get to the garden NOW! Mom and [Younger Sister] need your help!”

(Tired and confused, I walk outside and find my mom freaking out and my younger sister sitting on the hill beside the garden.)

Me: “Uh… what’s going on?”

Younger Sister: “My foot got stuck in a hole.”

(I look down, and sure enough her left leg is stuck in a muddy hole up to her knee.)

Me: “How did that happen?”

Younger Sister: “I think this was from where Dad tore down that old greenhouse.”

Mom: “CALL 911!”

(I shook my head and headed over the tool shed to grab a shovel. It took roughly ten minutes to dig my sister’s foot out, all while repeatedly telling my Mom “no, we do not need the fire department.” I was not going to cut off my sister’s foot with the shovel all while my older sister paced behind us nervously — and while my younger sister was laughing her head off.)

The Mannequin Challenge Takes Hollywood

, , , , , | Friendly | July 17, 2017

I am meeting a friend at the movies and arrive before she does. Since I’m early, I buy my ticket but just wait in the lobby so we can go into the theater together. I’m not a very “fidgety” person, so I tend to sit or stand very still whenever I’m not actually doing anything. I have been sitting for a while in my car and know I will be sitting in a movie for a couple of hours, so I just stand to the side instead of sitting on one of the available chairs.

I watch other customers coming in, and eventually a mom and her two little girls come inside. They are waiting on someone as well, and one of the girls, who is probably six or seven, is running around while waiting. She’s not being wild or causing trouble, just very energetic. She stops and looks at the various cardboard cutouts of movie characters that are positioned around the lobby, and then she comes up to me and pauses.

I smile and give her a little wave, and she gasps and runs back to her mom. Just then, a man walks inside and over to join them, and the girl exclaims, “Daddy, I thought that lady over there was a poster!”

I’m flattered she thought I looked good enough to be an actress!

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