A Spoon-Fed Fork Pun

, , , , , , | Working | June 20, 2018

After a busy day, we spent a long night washing dishes, and we were all exhausted after working all day. One of the servers came to ask us if we had any clean forks so that they could finish placing silverware, but didn’t know that one of the other servers had just picked up all we had left.

Without thinking, I said, “Sorry, we’re fresh out of forks to give.”

My manager overheard, and started laughing.

Dialing Security Is Very Real, Though

, , , , , , | Right | June 17, 2018

(I work in a store that has cell phones on display. The cell phones are connected to wires to prevent people from taking them. On top of that, most of the phones on display are fake and have no use. I’m working today when a particularly suspicious teenager walks in the store.)

Me: “Hello there. How may I help you?”

Teenager: “Oh, I’m fine. Just browsing.”

Me: “Okay, let me know if there is anything I can do for you.”

(For a little while, he just walks around, and then finally stops by a phone. He messes around with the phone and then pulls on it, thinking that no one will notice him. The wire stops him from pulling it away, but for some reason, he doesn’t realize this and keeps pulling.)

Me: “Um, excuse me, but what are you trying to do?”

Teenager: *while still pulling on the fake phone* “Oh, nothing, don’t mind me.”

Me: “You can let go of the phone now. It’s fake, anyway, and it’s attached to a wire so you can’t pull it away.”

Teenager: *looks down and realizes his mistakes* “Ha, um, yeah, I knew that. That’s why I was tugging on it, ‘cause I knew it was fake, ya know?”

(He left extremely embarrassed.)

All These Coupons Have Left Their Mark

, , , , | Right | June 13, 2018

(Our store has a credit card, and you get a coupon when you open one with us. It works on anything, but only for one day. A lady comes up to me with UGGs — almost always excluded from coupons — and this happens:)

Customer: “I’d like to buy these with my coupon, but if I need to return them, how can I get my coupon back?”

Me: “Well, none of the coupons we have available today work on UGGs, but if you’re referring to our rewards discounts, those are treated like cash for your card and would be refunded.”

Customer: “No, I have a coupon; it’ll work on anything, even makeup!”

Me: “I mean, if you show me your coupon I can try, but no promises.”

Customer: “It’ll work. I got it for opening up an account and never used it.”

(Sure enough, it is the old coupon for opening the account, so I give in and try.)

Me: “Okay, since this is for opening an account, it should work; I’ll try it and see.”

Customer: “It does work; I used it on another pair of UGGs before.”

Me: *pause* “I’m sorry?”

Customer: *catching her slip up* “Oh! I mean they sent me two… but, uh, if I return these, how will I get my discount back?

Me: “I can make a note on the receipt that if that’s the case that you’re to get the discount for that day, instead, since this is all you’re buying today, but I’ll still have to mark the coupon for use.”

Customer: “What? I don’t want them then, if you’re going to mark the coupon.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “No one’s ever marked it before.”

Me: *I stare at her as she now admits to using it before* “Well, they’re supposed to.”

Customer: “But they don’t, so you are?”

Me: “Well, yeah. I have to.”

Customer: *in a huff, grabbing the coupon from my hands* “Then I’m just going to come in another day!”

(Of course, the next day, when I wasn’t working, the shoes were sold.)

I Got 42 Problems And You’re One

, , , , , , | Related | June 11, 2018

(It’s well known that when someone, usually my wife, asks, “Random question,” my immediate response, without hesitation, is, “42.” Usually, she responds with an eyeroll. This morning as I am making breakfast, a random thought hits me…)

Me: “Random question.”

Eight-Year-Old Son: “SIXTY-FOUR!” *he is a fan of the Beatles… so it’s an easy mistake to make*

Me: “No… the answer to everything is 42. Anyway, I had a random question.”

Eight-Year-Old Son: “FORTY-TWO!”

Me: “No… a random question for your mother.”

(My wife, a Spanish teacher, gets that glint in her eyes as it’s FINALLY her turn… but her mouth is full.)

Me: “I know… cuarenta y dos, but seriously, I just had a question.”

Wife: *immediately grabs her plate and walks into the bedroom closing the door*

Me: “But didn’t you want to hear the question?!”

(For those still curious, my random question was this… “Do helium tanks get heavier, or lighter as more helium is used out of them?”)

Out Of Line While Out Of The Line

, , , , | | Right | June 8, 2018

(The register is backed up, so I am coming up to assist and open another register.)

Me: *looking the next customer directly in the eye, and gesturing for clarity* “I can take you over here.”

(Before the next customer can reach me, a male shopper in a suit runs over and darts in front of them, holding two shirts.)

Sharp-Dressed Man: *shoots me a smarmy smile* “Hi, yeah, I’ve just got these two items, so you can go ahead and ring me up real quick.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I’ve got to take the next person in line.”

Sharp-Dressed Man: *immediately furious* “Oh, really?! Is that the policy?!” *throws clothing item at me* “Well, fine, then. I won’t buy anything! I shop here all the time, and I’ve never been treated this way! I’d like to see your manager, now!

(I paged over a manager while he stepped to the side, glaring at me. I was shaking from the confrontation, but had to keep working as he stood nearby yelling at my manager about how much money he spends at our store and how horrible I was at my job, while she obsequiously said nothing but, “Yes, sir, sorry, sir, of course, sir.” I guess this is why it’s policy to physically escort the next person in line to your register.)

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