A Spider, A Turtle, And A Possum Go On An Adventure

, , , , , , | Related | September 2, 2018

(While in high school, I date a guy whose mother is an animal fanatic. She is… a character, to say the least. I’m in the car, in the backseat with my boyfriend. His mother is driving, and his brother is in the passenger seat. Suddenly, his mother starts swerving across the road and suddenly pulls over. She jumps out of the car and runs to the edge of the road, searching for something. When she turns around, she has her hands carefully cupped in front of her, a huge grin across her face. My boyfriend leans forward, quickly shuts the driver’s door and hits the lock button. She comes running back, and opens her hands to reveal a HUGE spider. My boyfriend’s brother starts screaming. My boyfriend slightly cracks the window and tells her he will unlock the car when she lets the spider go. She tries to argue with him, insisting that she wants to take “this beautiful girl” home and keep her. After going back and forth for almost ten minutes, she puts the spider down, and my boyfriend unlocks the car and lets her back in. As she gets back on the road, a conversation begins:)

Mother: “I just don’t get why you don’t like spiders, [Boyfriend].”

Brother: *shrill* “MOM! I’m not touching that thing!”

Boyfriend: “I just don’t. Plus, you’re driving, and would have no way to hold it or contain it. And none of us are going to hold it!”

Brother: *collecting himself* “Well, Mom, at least it wasn’t another possum.”

Mother: “Ooh! [My Name], did you hear about that? Did [Boyfriend] tell you?”

Me: “No. Did you find more babies?”

(It’s common knowledge that when she comes across a road-kill possum, she always stops to look for surviving babies.)

Mother: “Well, no. I looked, but I didn’t find any. But possums are marsupials, meaning they have a pouch that they carry babies in. The opening is kind of a muscle, so it’s hard to open it to check on a dead possum. So, I found one of [Boyfriend]’s utility knives in the car, and I had to slice her open. I put my hand in to feel for any babies, but couldn’t find anything. I decided to double-check, and you’ll never believe it! IT WAS A BOY! Not to mention, I couldn’t find any rags or towels in the car, so I had to drive home all covered in blood!” *laughs*

Boyfriend: *quietly to me* “I told her to keep the knife.”

(A few weeks later, she is giving us a ride to school. On the side of the road is a very large turtle, trying to cross. His mother pulls over.)

Mother: “[Boyfriend]! Get out and help me!”

Boyfriend: “Mom, that’s not a box turtle. It looks a bit dangerous.”

Mother: “It’s fine! Don’t worry about it! It’s a snapping turtle. Just grab the car mat to carry it!”

(This turtle is easily the size of the car tire. They go back and forth for a few minutes, arguing. Finally, he relents.)

Boyfriend: “Fine! But only because I don’t want you getting bitten!”

(He grabs the mat, and carefully tries to place it on the turtle’s back, behind its head. It turns its head and grabs the corner of the mat, ripping through both the upholstery AND the thick rubber on the bottom. After it drops the mat, he tries again. Once he manages to get a hold of the shell behind the turtle’s head, he quickly carries it across the road, and runs back. Once in the car:)

Mother: “WOW! What a beauty!” *laughing gleefully*

Boyfriend: “Whatever, Mom. We’re going to be late.”

This Isn’t Bunny

, , , , | Right | September 2, 2018

(I am an intern at a local pet store. I am about 16 or 17, and it is my first week. A man walks up to me and asks if we have any rabbits.)

Me: “Certainly! Right this way!”

(The man takes a look at the rabbits.)

Customer: “No, these won’t do; they have claws. Do you have any without claws?”

Me: “No, sir, all rabbits have claws. They need them.”

Customer: “Why? Why do they need claws?”

Me: *a bit stunned* “Well, sir, they are meant to dig, so they need the claws for that.”

Customer: “Can you remove them?”

Me: “No, sir, we cannot remove the rabbits’ claws.”

Customer: “Okay. Do you have any other animals without claws?”

Me: “Unfortunately not. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

(The man stares blankly at me for a couple of moments:)

Customer: “No, you don’t understand! I’m a bunny-rabbit!”

(Then, he walked out, leaving me with probably the most confused face ever.)

Love-Sick As A Parrot

, , , , , , , | Romantic | September 1, 2018

I come to Canada with my grandmother so she can meet my boyfriend. She and I are going to meet him for lunch, and we have a bit of time to spare, so she and I figure we’ll go to a nearby butterfly garden. This garden is also home to some parrots, which is my main interest in going, as I’m fascinated with birds of all sorts. I am taking pictures of a beautiful parrot when all of a sudden he flies at me. He lands on my arm and begins walking all over me, and, again, being an avid birder, I am quite excited. Little children come up to pet him while he is on my arm, also full of excitement.

Then, things become a little awkward.

The bird starts getting all sorts of frisky with my hand. A little girl tries to get him to move to her arm, which, thank goodness, he refuses, but he keeps going at my hand. By the time he finally flies away, I have a small crowd of kids surrounding me and the bird, petting him while he does unspeakable things, and I do my best to downplay what is happening.

When I tell my boyfriend about it later, we have quite a good laugh!

Your Garden-Variety Idiot

, , , , , | Right | August 31, 2018

Me: “[Gardening Service]. Can I help you?”

Older Lady: “Yes, some sheep have got into my garden. I need you to come and get them out.”

Me: “Well, really you would need to call the farmer. Do you know where they came from?”

Older Lady: “No, but they’re in my garden. You’re a gardener. Fix it!”

(I popped round and shooed them out for her, but seriously, if they got into her car, would she call a mechanic?)

Tribbles Of Fury

, , , , , , | Friendly | August 31, 2018

(I recently adopted a new cat. He’s quite unusual. This leads to me having this scenario, I don’t know how many times, with just about anyone coming in my home. As I welcome my visitors — could be friends, family, coworkers, anyone — I warn them right at the door.)

Me: “I got a new cat, Sugar. He’s a little spooky, but please try to not be scared; as it is, he’ll be more afraid of you than you can be of him.”

Friend: “Of course. No problem; it’s just a cat. Is he missing an eye or something?”

Me: “No… You see, he’s a little, round, fluffy ball of black fur.”

Friend: “Oh, no worries. I’m not superstitious or anything.”

Me: “Yeah… That’s not all. He has orange eyes.”

Friend: “Oh, so unique! Must be charming!”

Me: “Yes, he is! Actually, his appearance pushed him to be rejected by people, but really, he just wants to love people, if only they would give him the chance to be loved back. He’s a little shy at the moment, but if you stay calm, he’ll purr like crazy and even will try to lick you.”

Friend: “Aww, so cute.”

(Some time passes, and as we are having a cup of tea in the living room, the cat shows up and curiously but cautiously approaches. I don’t want him to sneak up on people, as he’s already surprising in himself, so I announce him.)

Me: “Hey, [Friend], he’s coming out. Say, ‘hi,’ to Sugar!”

(My friend is smiling as he turns to look… until the orange glow of eyes on a round shaped shadow slowly moving toward us is seen, then he SWEARS AND JUMPS on the seat. Sugar, scared by the screaming human, runs for his life, hiding in another room.)

Me: “Yeah, I did my best to warn you…”

(Most people feel like fools for reacting in such a way and excuse themselves. Also, second meetings with Sugar go much better. They get to see him for what he is: a scary but sweet little fluff-ball of love.)

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