One night, I stopped by a diner after work at about 10:00 pm. I was seated at the table and the waitress had taken my order. I heard a strange sound overhead, and the next thing I knew, I was covered in crumbled ceiling tile and pissed-off raccoons.

I screamed and started flailing. The raccoons screamed back. I got a lot of little claw marks and a few bites as they tried to get safely off of me without letting me pry them off.

I managed to get them off of me, and one of the chefs and the waitress chased them out the front door.

Nervously, the chef asked me if I still wanted my order and offered to comp it. I ate, and it was okay.

I got a rabies vaccine after, just in case.

A few Christmases ago, my younger sister brought her boyfriend to our family gathering. The largest box under the tree was addressed to “[Younger Sister] and Cats”.

Sister’s Boyfriend: “We appreciate the gift, but you know the cats are just going to play with the box.”

Me: “Their gift is the box.”

[Sister’s Boyfriend] stared at me with the open-faced shock of someone whose mind has just been blown.

I had bought the largest box possible at an office supply store, cut a pet door in the side, and reinforced the corners with duct tape.

I worked at a company that helped unemployed people find jobs. I filled in at the last minute for a coworker who went into labor two weeks early, covering her clients in her absence. One of her clients came in with a dog. Service animals are allowed in the building, but pets are not.

Me: “Oh, hi! I didn’t know you had a service dog. Let me—”

Man: “She’s not.”

Me: “She’s not a service dog?”

Man: “[Coworker] let me bring her last time.”

Me: “I see. Well, it is unfortunately against policy, so—”

Man: “And [Coworker] let me do it, so you have to.”

Me: “I understand that you may have been misinformed in the past, but these are the rules.”

Man: “She’s a service dog.”

Me: “You already told me she isn’t a service dog, sir. If there is no one with you to take the dog, you’ll have to reschedule for a time when you can come without her.”

Man: “When does [Coworker] come back?”

Me: “I don’t know the date, sir. I can have her call you when she gets back, but I will be reminding her of the pet policy.”

He stepped into my space, so close that his jacket was touching me.

Man: “Listen here. I always bring my dog. Nobody tells me no, and it won’t start with you.”

Me: “It does start with me, sir. No pets. Have a nice day.”

I stepped back and turned away, busying myself with other work. I was shaking and my heart was racing, but I tried to remain calm until he left.

When [Coworker]’s maternity leave was up, we met with our supervisor to discuss what she’d missed. 

Me: “…and [Man] brought his dog. He said you allowed it? I told him only service dogs are permitted, and he got in my space over it.”

Coworker: *Blushing* “He’s one of those guys who… like, I told him he couldn’t have her in the building, and he got in my face, and I just didn’t want to keep arguing, so I just let him do it.”

Supervisor: “Okay. That’s when you get security. If he comes back, he can’t have the dog. “

Coworker: “But he gets mad—”

Supervisor: “Let him get mad. Let him go somewhere else. We’ll survive.”

[Man] did come back — again with the dog — and [Coworker] allowed it again because she was intimidated by him. [Supervisor] was in a nearby meeting when he heard a dog barking and came to investigate. [Coworker] was playing tug with the dog when [Supervisor] walked in. [Man] was released from our work assistance program, and [Coworker] was fired for repeatedly not following policy.

I’m pet-sitting for some friends and the husband is giving me some updates on some stuff that’s going to happen while I’m gone.

Friend: “I called the scooper guys, so they’ll be coming out around [time]. They’ll clean up after the dogs, and they’re going to spray a disinfectant/deodorizer thing, so the dogs can’t go out for thirty minutes after they leave.”

Me: “Sounds good.”

Friend: “And after the scooper guys leave, can you take a picture and send it to me so I can smell it?”

I swear, my brain blue-screened for a second while I tried to figure out what he was saying. Then, I caught up.

Me: “Pretty sure they haven’t invented that technology yet.”

[Friend] burst out laughing because he does stuff like that on purpose to see if he can trip people up.

We’re a hardware store chain, and we have always been pet friendly. These days, we’re known for it, and we keep doggie treats at the registers for our furry friends.

But back in the day, before it was well known, we’d have people come up to the door with a dog, usually on a leash, and politely ask if it was okay to bring Fido in. My response always brought a smile.

Me: “Sure. We let people bring kids in, and pets are almost always better behaved. I’ve never had to stop a dog from drinking drain cleaner off the bottom shelf.”