(A few years ago my brother had a child with a woman from a terrible family. Racist grandmother, drug-addicted mother, brother, sister, and brother-in-law, and a stepfather who claimed to once be a “Hell’s Angel.” Predictably, things went south in the relationship and custody of my niece was in contention in court. Months of court dates had left emotions frayed and everyone on edge. While shopping at a local hardware store I have the unfortunate luck to run into the meth-addict brother-in-law of the family. We happen to end up in the same aisle and he calls out loudly.)

Brother-In-Law: “HEY!”

(I look up and see him with his five-year-old son, say a quick, “nope,” and turn around to walk away. The meth-head brother-in-law starts following me down the aisles of the hardware store. Never one to blink at an opportunity, I pull out my phone and start filming him over my shoulder.)

Brother-In-Law: “HEY, YOU F****** B****! YOU AND YOUR WHOLE F****** FAMILY ARE GOING DOWN! YOU BETTER HOPE I DON’T CATCH ANY OF YOU F****** A**HOLES OR I’LL F*** YOU ALL UP!”

(This is while his seemingly forgotten son chases to keep up with him. Thankfully there is no physical altercation, but the video is worth its weight in gold. Fast forward through police reports and applying for a restraining order, to the court date. Our case is the last on the docket, so I endure a few hours of meth-head brother-in-law giving his missing-tooth smile, thinking he’s going to get off scot-free. Finally our case is called, and I am asked to present my side of the story. After I explain that I did nothing but turn and walk away while being verbally harassed, the judge then asks for the meth-head brother-in-law’s side.)

Brother-In-Law: “Your Honor, he and his dad chased me down the aisles! And when I held my hand out to shake hands and say hi, he ‘spitted’ on me and yelled at me! I had my son with me, and they yelled at him, too! I would never act that way around my son! Never!”

(No, my dad was not with me that day; I was alone. And yes, he said “spitted.”)

Judge: *to me* “Do you have anything to say to refute Mr. [Brother-In-Law]’s story?”

Me: “Yes, Your Honor; I have video of the incident.”

(I now get to look over at my meth-head brother-in-law with my own smile and see his grin slip off his face. I hand my phone over to the judge and she watches while glancing up at the two of us.)

Judge: “Well, Mr. [Brother-In-Law], not only can I see you and your son in this video, I can see him struggling to keep up with you. I can also hear the threats you’re making to Mr. [My Name] and his family. I am awarding Mr. [My Name] his restraining order and would advise that the next time you end up in court, try not to lie to the judge.”

(Cue an expletive-laden rant from my brother-in-law and the judge suggesting an escort for me to my car.)

(I have finished ringing up a customer and have given her the total. We have the new chip reader in our pin pads, but it only works for credit.)

Customer: *with card ready to stick in* “Chip or slide?”

Me: “Will that be debit or credit?”

Customer: *angrier now* “Chip or slide?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, that depends; will it be debit or credit?”

Customer: “It doesn’t matter! Chip or slide!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, it does matter. If it is debit you need to slide it and if it is credit you need to insert the chip.”

Customer: *grumbles under her breath* “Fine.”

(I’m on the shop floor, where we have some sockets on display.)

Customer: “Excuse me.”

Me: “Yes, sir?”

(He gestures to one of the sockets.)

Customer: “Do you have a three-pin like this for the bathroom?”

Me: “No, the shaver sockets are designed with the steam from the bath or shower in mind, whereas three-pin are not. You’d short-circuit the thing if the contacts inside didn’t corrode first.”

Customer: “I guess I’ll look somewhere else.”

(I later told a colleague, who’s a trained electrician.)

Colleague: “Short? The d*** thing would blow up!”

(Looks like I gave him the best-case scenarios, because shaver sockets are 12V while mains are 240!)

(we make car keys for almost anything but also make house keys 3 for $1)

Customer: I need a key for a 2012 ford fusion

Me: Ok let me look that one up

(can have up to 8 keys and i only need one to program the others)

That one would be $69.99

Customer: thats awesome ill take one, i just lost one!

Me: ok it will take about half an hour.

so i get into the car hook the programmer up and check how many keys it has programmed to it, 8. so i try to run the programmer under a few other cars thinking maybe its not communicating correctly. most cars have 2 or 3 programmed to them. so i went back inside and told her that i needed to reset her car to program the keys and how it happens if a few people loose the keys before she bought it. so if she needed to have all the keys here to get another otherwise they would be deleted.

she looked at me: I have 7 keys here.

there she was digging through here trunk in the parking lot pulling out purses panties trash fast food bags and who knows what else for an hour finding all her keys muttering about her ex-husband the whole time.

(I am a forklift operator. It’s a rather busy day for the garden department, and my spotter and I just finished loading a pallet of pave stones into another person’s truck. As is common, we get stuck near the registers trying to get back into the store. My spotter is about five feet in front of me with bright orange flags when a customer approaches.)

Customer: *to my spotter* “Oh! I thought you were here to direct foot traffic.”

(The forklift is clearly beeping in the background, in spite of being in neutral.)

Customer: *steps to one side* “Oh! I didn’t even see you there.”

Me: *blank face*

(How the f*** do you miss a thirty-thousand pound forklift? It’s clearly over six feet tall, yellow, and beeping, AND there is the rumble of an engine.)