Years ago, I worked at one of the first big box hardware stores. I worked at the service desk for a while and saw all sorts of crazy people.

One time, a guy was trying to make a return, and the front-end manager just kept telling him no. This made him unhappy, so he picked up one of the plastic signs sitting on the counter and clocked her in the head with it.

Then, he ran off. The lumber department supervisor just happened to be in the front end and tackled him at the doorway. Dave was a big guy. I’m sure this customer regretted his actions.

My wife and I are shopping for a few things in a hardware store chain, and I show my wife a display “shop magnet”. Basically, it’s a strong magnet on a broom pole for picking up metal filings, small screws, and things like that. I leave her playing with it while I go to grab what we need.

When I come back to the aisle, I find my wife with one of the shop magnets and a box of 100 small nails.

Wife: “Look! This is going to make an awesome birthday present for [Four-Year-Old Nephew]!”

Me: “You know, I think I get why your brothers and sisters won’t let you babysit your nieces and nephews.”

And no, we did not get the boy a magnet and a box of 100 small nails for his fourth birthday.

Some years ago, I read in an ad that a chain of hardware stores was having a sale on an electric drill. It looked really good, so I went over to the local store to buy one.

Once I got there, I looked around but couldn’t see the drill. There was a big sign placed on the floor near some pallets, and it looked like the store was sold out. Since they were still advertising it, though, I picked up the sign and went over to an employee.

Me: “Do you have any more of these drills?”

Employee: “No, they’re all sold out. We have some other ones, though.”

Me: “Sold out already? That was quick.”

Employee: “Yeah, we didn’t get as many as we thought.”

Me: “Okay, but shouldn’t you take these signs down, then? They’re still placed both in the store and outside.”

Employee: “Nah, they can stay up.”

Me: “Oh, so you’re getting more of the drills coming in?”

Employee: “No.”

Me: “But then why are you keeping the signs up?”

The employee just shrugged and proceeded to take the sign back and put it up again. This bothered me. While this store clearly couldn’t be blamed for the online and newspaper ads running despite their local stock being empty, keeping those signs up around the shop was a “lure”. Several different chains had been busted using similar tactics: advertising a product they don’t actually have in stock, hoping to lure customers into the shop, and pushing to sell them something more expensive.

I used my camera phone to take a photo of the employee rehanging the sign — he actually posed for the photo — and sent it to the chain’s corporate office along with a complaint. I also gave the store a negative online review.

A couple of years later, the shop closed down as part of a major relocation. All that time, I never returned there. When I boycott a store, it’s forever.

A young customer is walking around aimlessly in our auto shop for a few minutes.

Customer: “Do you have spray paint?”

I grab the keys to the paint locker and escort her over. After making a brief observation of our selection, she grabs one can of paint, labeled “Camouflage.” Seemingly she has found what she wants, so I ring her out.

Not more than thirty minutes later, I see her walk back into my humble place of business with a worried look on her face. I meet her at the counter.

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to return the can of camouflage paint.”

Me: “Is there a problem with the can or do you no longer need it?”

Then, looking me dead in the eyes, she says:

Customer: “Well, it only sprays one color.”

I was completely speechless, blankly staring at her, trying to comprehend what she was trying to say. Just as I realized what she was saying, a wave of sudden realization, followed by horror and embarrassment, washed over her face. It seems we both came to the same conclusion at the same moment.

I managed to spit out a few words, trying to maybe explain to her how paint cans worked and that they were not capable of spraying multiple colors, but she was already quickly on her way out the door. I stood there for a few moments, filled with emotions ranging from confusion to laughter.

Content Warning: Animal Death

Years ago, in the 1980s, I worked at a large hardware store. We had a break room with microwaves and fridges where people could put their food. It worked well until the inevitable food thief was hired.

The thief REALLY liked [Coworker]’s lunch because [Coworker]’s wife did the old-fashioned thing of making up his lunchbox for him. Every day, he had a hearty sandwich with meat and cheese, a piece of fruit, a bag of chips, and a soda. And almost every day, he would go to the fridge and find an empty lunchbox. He was a Korean War Marine veteran, and he absolutely ZERO tolerance and ZERO filter for this crap.

How did he deal with the thief? He caught a mouse, put it in the middle of his sandwich, and put it back in the fridge. His lunch only came up missing one more time.