Customer: ”I’m calling because I need someone to repair my well pump. Do you work with Care Credit (credit card usually associated with medical related issues)? Because I don’t have money upfront to have this repaired.”
Me: ”I’m sorry sir, but we do not do repairs, we are a plumbing supply store. We also don’t take Care Credit, you would need to pay with cash, check, or credit card for anything you purchase.”
C: “Well then direct me to someone who repairs water well pumps on credit.”
Me: “Unfortunately I cannot direct you to anyone, but I’m sure if you call your plumber, they can help.” (I’m legally not able to suggest businesses because we work with most of the plumbing/well drillers in our area.)
C: “I don’t want to call my plumber, he doesn’t fix wells, I need you to come look at my well, and figure out what is wrong with it!”
Me: “Sir, we do not repair plumbing or wells, we are a supply store.”
C: “So what you’re telling me is that I need to find someone that does well pump repairs?”
Me: ………………….”Yes.”
Click.

(I work at a big box hardware store that sells a bit of everything. It is October in Wisconsin so it gets rather chilly.)

Customer: “Hey, do you guys have a heater that plugs into a cigarette lighter in the car?”

Me: “Sure! Right this way.”

(I take her to the product.)

Customer: “Oh, this shuts off after twenty minutes; I need one to last longer. I am going to be camping in my car for a few days.”

Me: “Yeah, they shut off for safety reasons; after all, it’s designed to defrost windows and warm up the car while it heats up. But we do have this blanket that plugs into the lighter, as well.”

Customer: “Okay, I will take that, too. You see, my uncle practices his wake every year and we have a big party. He just wants everything to be right when he dies. We all just sleep in our cars.”

Me: “Okay, well, you have a great day!”

(I got away as fast as I could to go tell my coworkers this story. In hindsight, she did look a little frumpy and unkempt, so she could have been homeless and thought of a story to make it seem better for herself, but she could have come up with something a little less bizarre and messed up!)

(I’m home from college when my mom’s kitchen sink faucet stops working. She and I go to pick out a new one, bringing my twelve-year-old brother. My brother decides to wander down the mall to a different store, but plans to meet us in a bit. Mom and I pick a faucet, and we are standing in line to check out when the customer in front of us decides to start up a conversation.)

Customer: “New faucet, huh? You run it by your husband to make sure it will fit?”

Mom: “No, but it’s fine.”

Customer: “You ladies really should call him and make sure, before you have to return it! Don’t want him to get mad!”

Me: “My father hasn’t been in the picture for ten years; I don’t need to check in with him. This is the right faucet.”

Customer: “Your plumber, then! He can probably get you that for cheaper.”

Me: “We are fine.”

Customer: “Are you planning to do this yourself? I hope you realize you’ll have to climb around under the sink to assemble that!”

Me: “I repeat: we are fine.”

(He sputters out a few more objections when my brother walks up. Instantly the guy is all smiles.)

Customer: “Hey there! I didn’t know you were with your mom; I’ve been giving her such a hard time about installing that faucet!” *laughs* “You’ll do great.”

Brother: “Uh, I don’t know how to do that.”

Customer: “Oh, just follow the instructions; it’s real easy! *laughs* “You’ll do great.”

(He sort of slapped my brother on the shoulder and checked out. After he left, my brother fearfully asked if he really had to install the faucet and was relieved when I said I’d do it. I did, and it’s working fine six months later, even though I’m — GASP — an adult woman and not a tween boy.)

(I am about four years old. My father is an auto mechanic and woodworker and owns many tools. We walk around this particular hardware store every Sunday. We are currently in the tool section.)

Me: “You have that, and that, and that, and that, and that…”

Employee: *to my father* “Would be nice if you really did have all of that, wouldn’t it?”

Dad: “I do.”

(The employee walked away red-faced, with an awed expression.)

(I’m at the hardware store, speaking to a manager, since my water tank is broken and I have not heard back from the plumber.)

Me: “I’m waiting to be called by the plumber. I was told they would call within 48 hours.”

Manager: “Yeah, you have to wait for their call. There’s nothing I can do.”

Me: “But it’s been more than 48 hours.”

Manager: “No. It’s within 48 open business hours.”

Me: “Seriously?”

Manager: “Eight hours per day.”

Me: “Right, so… six days?!”

Manager: “Probably.”

Me: “But I need the tank. I have no hot water.”

Manager: “Maybe you’d like the emergency service, then? It’s $200 extra, and it’s within 24 hours.”

Me: “You mean three days?”

Manager: “Well… no. A day is 24 hours.”