(I’m a sales assistant, but as a full-timer the part-timers often ask me for help in the absence of a manager)
Colleague: [my name] can you help?
Me: What’s up?
Customer: I bought a door handle but instead of a pair I have two of the same levers so it doesn’t work.
Me: Well, we can certainly exchange it, do you have it with you?
Customer: No, that’s why your colleague flagged you over.
Me: I see, well, we cannot give an exchange for a product that isn’t there, because if we’re lucky that will be docked from us, if you need a good pair now we can charge you for a new one and you can bring back the mispackaged pair. I already have had a similar situation and this is what the manager advised we do.
Customer: May I ask why that is?
Me: You may, and I shall explain by giving you this example. When we are given a large amount of money in cash, we have to have someone double count it and then, even if the customer requests, we cannot give them the money to count again. The reason for this is because there are those who would palm half the notes. Then they refund it after a few days and thus get a 50% profit.
Customer: *as if having a light bulb moment* They really do that?
Me: A few do, the majority of customers are good, honest people, but every basket has a few bad eggs, so we have precautions that we apply to everyone.
Customer: All right then.
Me: [Colleague] do you have the SKU for the door handle?
(I fetched the door handle for inspection before it was bought and she returned the faulty one without any upset whatsoever.)

(I work in a hardware store, where propane tanks are not allowed in the building for safety reasons. A blonde customer in her twenties comes in with a propane tank she would like to exchange. One of my fellow associates tries to explain to her the process of buying a new tank which is: leaving your old tank outside by the locked-up cages, coming inside to a register and purchasing a tank exchange, and then waiting outside for a head cashier, me, to swap the tanks. Unfortunately, she just doesn’t get it and this process takes almost ten minutes. She finally goes outside and another five minutes go by before she comes inside. Keep in mind that she has an attitude the entire from start to finish.)

Customer: “Um, is anyone going to come out there? I’ve been out there for quite some time and no one’s shown up yet.”

Me: “Oh, sorry about that, ma’am. If you go right through the entrance again, I’ll meet you and we can get you your new tank.”

(We meet up and walk outside when she stops me in the entrance where we keep the carts.)

Customer: “Is this going to be heavy? Should I grab a cart?”

(After staring at the customer for a few moments I realize that she is, in fact, quite serious.)

Me: “Uh… yeah. Filled tanks are usually heavy.”

Customer: “Yeah, whatever.”

(After doing the exchange, I ask to see her receipt before I can let her leave as per policy. She throws me a really confused look.)

Customer: “What? I didn’t pay yet! You told me to come and stand out here so I did.”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, I was there when the associate told you to come outside and drop off your tank, go back inside and purchase a new one, and then come back outside again. But that’s okay! Just go right on inside and I’ll wait out here for you.” 

(When the customer walks away, I call the associate standing at the service desk to prepare her for what is going on. I later learn the customer is startled when her order is already rung up for her when she gets there. When she comes back outside, I ask to see her receipt again and she quickly flashes it in front of my face.)

Me: “Ma’am, I have to be able to read your receipt.”

Customer: “Oh, my God, whatever!” 

(She hands me her receipt I look it over and give her the all-clear to go home. Instead of taking her cart and going on her merry way, she stands there for almost a minute and a half.)

Customer: “So, am I good to go?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. Have a nice day.”

(The entire exchange from beginning to end took almost half an hour. It was all I could do to make it through the last half-hour of my shift without crying from my laughter.)

(My father owns a hardware store where I sometimes offer to man the phone during busy times.)

Me: *answering the phone* “[Hardware Store]. [My Name] speaking.”

Woman: “Hello, I need to be put through to [Father]. It’s his sister and it is an emergency!”

Me: “I should think so! You died twenty years ago giving birth to [Twin Cousins].”

Woman: “I’m very sorry for your loss… Is [Father] in? It’s an emergency.”

Me: “Given the means by which you tried to access him, I’m not inclined to pass you on. Whatever it is I’m sure I can help.”

Woman: “No, you won’t do. I need to speak directly to him.”

Me: “Tough. You have five seconds before I hang up.”

Woman: “What time do you close on Sundays?”

Me: *seriously?* “Five pm.”

Woman: “I would rather be told that by [Father].”

Me: *hangs up*

(She came over later that day and demanded I be fired for rudeness. My father then shouted so loud the entire store took notice, “CAROL, GET BACK IN YOUR COFFIN!” The woman blushed and scurried out. Obviously, I’d told him the second I hung up, and he was praying she would come by.)

(I am currently working my shift at a popular hardware store. At this time, it is before my initial treatment for my severe anxiety. My boss is very understanding of my situation, and lets me decide if I would like to climb the ladder to the top to stock those shelves since height can trigger my anxiety. Two customers in their late teens, early twenties come in on one of the rare days I decide to stock the top…)

Customer #1: “I wonder what he’s doing up there.”

(Thinking the customer is talking to themselves or something I ignore and continue.)

Customer #1: “Do you think we can get his attention?”

Customer #2: “How?”

Customer #1: “I don’t know. Maybe shake the ladder?”

(At this point, I am starting to have a minor freak out. I convince myself that I’m just paranoid and don’t think anymore of it.)

Customer #2: “We could try?”

(Suddenly, the ladder starts shaking vigorously and I scream for help and start to have a major panic attack. My coworkers and boss know me well enough to get me to calm down enough to tell what happened.)

Me: “I was stalking the shelves and it just started shaking!”

Customer #1: “Bull****! We were talking to you and you were ignoring us!”

Me: “NO! I thought you knew I was busy and were talking about someone else!”

Customer #2: “Well you should-”

Boss: “Stop talking right there! You two are BANNED from this location! You could’ve caused SERIOUS injuries! Use common sense next time, morons!”

(I soon quit after that due to me going to treatment repeatedly but my boss and I stay in contact and we have started dating!)

(Where I work, the main break room has a TV in it that is usually on at all times. I am not really paying attention during my break, until I overhear a commercial for a national hardware store chain.)

TV Commercial: “Don’t miss out on the biggest savings of the season! It’s our Spring Black Friday event!”

(Immediately, in my head, I hear a certain movie character’s voice say a modified version of one of his lines.)

Syndrome: “…and when everything is on sale… nothing will be!”