(I work at a hardware store in the paint department. One day this customer comes up to me with a cart full of different caulking and a piece of molding.)

Customer: “How can I attach this to above my garage? Which is the best to use?”

Me: “Well, you can use [construction adhesive] to provide a better hold?”

Customer: “Will it stay there forever if I use that product?”

Me: “Well, uh, no? But it will last a long time if you’ve used it in con–“

Customer: “I don’t want it if it won’t!”

Me: “Have you considered using a nail? Then just going over the gaps with a—“

Customer: “Like [Construction Adhesive Brand]?”

Me: “No, like an actual nail that you use a hammer for.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s perfect! Forgot actual nails existed!”

(He walked away toward nails with the molding, and left twenty bottles of caulking in a cart for me to deal with. Not cool, man, not cool.)

(Our store is pet-friendly. My coworkers and I bring in treats to give to the dogs at our own expense. I am working self-checkouts and have placed a full box of treats on the counter to put in the container we have for them. A customer approaches to ask a question. After I answer her this happens.)

Customer: *reaches for the box of treats* “Oh, I’ll buy these.”

Me: “Ma’am, these are mine; they’re not for sale.”

Customer: “Oh, you’ve already bought them?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. The other associates bring them in for the dogs.”

Customer: “This store has its own dogs? Why would there be dogs in the store?”

Me: “…”

(A customer is looking at a hose that is tapered at one end and has a plug at the other so you can’t measure a cross-section)
Me: Wrap the measuring tape around the pipe, if it comes out as 3.14” then it is indeed 1” diameter.
Customer: What?
Me: If you divide the circumference by Pi you get the diameter. Pi goes on forever but it starts with 3.14.
(Both the customer and a colleague were stunned by this)

(I work in a very popular department store. It has been an incredibly busy Saturday afternoon close to Thanksgiving, and the line seems to not be letting up any. My coworkers and I ring up customers as quickly as possible. This happens after a ring up a customer’s purchase, with still quite a long line to go.)

Me: “Have a good day. Next!”

(One woman frantically cuts from the back of the line to the front, shoves the next customer’s purchase off the counter, and puts her bag on the counter.)

Woman: “I need to return these clothes right now!”

Coworker: “Lady, I saw you cut. Get outta here.”

Woman: “Shut up! I don’t need your opinion! You, ring up this return!”

Me: “Absolutely not! That was incredibly rude and you need to not only apologize, but to also return to the back of the line now.”

Woman: “No! I’ve been waiting in this store for half an hour to return these, and everywhere else is packed! I have places to be!”

Customers in line (out of sync): “You think we don’t?!” “Get back in line, lady!”

Next customer: “I won’t accept your apology even if you gave it. Now, get to the back of the line!”

Woman: “That’s it! Call your manager!”

(I call for a manager, and they arrive within seconds with a security guard.)

Security Guard: “Miss, let’s go.” [He motions to the door that leads out to our main parking lot.]

Woman: “No! I need to return these! This asshole right here won’t do as I asked, and this other jackass won’t let me go first!”

Customers in line: “Kick her out!” “She needs to go!”

Manager: “We have seen the whole thing and you’re causing a disturbance. Please leave with this gentleman here.”

(The security guard picks up the woman’s bag, and the woman is escorted out kicking and screaming.)

Manager: “Thank you all for your understanding! [Me], continue.”

Me:” Thank you, [Manager].” [to the next customer in line] “I see she damaged one of your items as she knocked it off the counter. Let me grab you a new one off the shelf really quick.”

Customer: “Thank you, I appreciate it.”

Me: “No problem at all.”

(I come back with the product they were purchasing, and continue ringing up customers. The manager and I get great reviews from at least half of the customers in the very long line. Best part about this is I found out the next day that the security guard had a police officer out front waiting for her, and she tried assaulting them as well. She was arrested.)

(I am approached by a shifty-looking, female customer. She slinks up to me and gets in close so she can speak in a low voice.)

Customer: “Excuse me, young man! The rat poison you have on sale there — is it harmful to people?”

Me: “Yes, madam, I’m almost certain it will be harmful to most living creatures. You need to keep it out of reach of children and pets.”

Customer: “So, if I gave some to a person, would it kill them?”

Me: “Well, yes, I suppose it would.”

Customer: “Definitely?”

Me: “I can’t say for sure, madam, but I’m 99% certain that it would kill a person if they took enough of it.”

Customer: “Do you know how much you would need to kill a person?”

Me: “Unfortunately, I really can’t say, madam; it depends on the person.”

Customer: “Oh, okay, thanks!” *nods conspiratorially and walks off*