An older guy is in the store with his grandson.

Customer: “I bought this grill two years ago, and now the igniter won’t work.”

Me: “Are you looking to buy a replacement?”

Customer: “What?! No! I want a refund! July 4^th is coming up, and I need a new grill!”

Me: “Sir, this is outside our return window by… 719 days.”

Customer: “So you’re refusing to stand by your product!”

Me: “I’m standing by store policy.”

Customer: “This is un-American! Back in my day, companies cared about values!”

Customer’s Grandson: “And back in your day, grills didn’t have igniters. You want nostalgia, grab some matches, grandpa. I told you this wouldn’t work.”

Customer: “Be quiet or you’re not coming to the family barbecue!”

Customer’s Grandson: *Loud.* “You promise?”

I backed away at that point and let them figure it out.

A customer has been scoffing and tutting in the power tools section for a few minutes, so I decide to go over and offer any help.

Customer: “This is ridiculous. I’ve been looking for a drill that’s easy to use. But none of these even have instructions!”

I glance at the product, which has a simple guide on the back.

Me: “This one’s pretty straightforward. You just insert the bit, tighten it, and you’re good to go.”

The customer scowls, still holding the drill.

Customer: “I need something that works without me having to figure it out. I’m not a handyman.”

I give him a polite smile, knowing where this is headed.

Me: “They do all come with guides, but most of them will follow the same format as any drill, you just line it up and push down where you want to drill while pulling the trigger.”

Customer: “That still sounds like a lot of effort.”

Me: “Well, if you want something that works without any effort on your part, I’d suggest hiring a professional.”

They look at me, not catching the hint.

Customer: “I don’t have time for that either. I just want it to work.”

Me: “I’m afraid for it to work, you have to put in a little work too.”

Customer: “Ugh! You’re not being very helpful. Is there a man around who could help me?”

Okay, time to stop being subtle.

Me: “How about this. There’s a store three units down that sells Harry Potter memorabilia. You should go check them out because it’s obvious what you’re after is a magic wand.”

They definitely got THAT hint.

I am putting the seat back on my toilet (long story, not relevant). I finger-tighten one of the plastic bolts that holds it down, then use a screwdriver to give it just that little bit extra to secure it.

SNAP!

The threaded part and nut fall into my fingers. The fifteen-plus-year-old plastic bolt has sheared off. Oh well, no home maintenance or repair is complete without an unexpected trip to the hardware store, right?

I toss both bolts into a plastic bag and head for my preferred hardware store. As I approach the doors, a young man standing outside says:

Employee: “I’m sorry, we’re closed.”

It’s just 4 PM, but yes, this location closes at 4 PM on Sundays, which is today.

Me: “Oh, man, I’m gonna be one of those customers!”

I hold up the bag with the broken bolts in it and say:

Me: “I just need one of these, and I promise, I’m not going to be one of those ‘I only need one thing’ and then I get a cartful of stuff customers!”

He nods knowingly, but says:

Employee: “I understand, but we’re closed. We’ve closed out the registers already.”

Me: “Please, isn’t there anything we can do? Or someone I can talk to? I swear I only need this one thing, and I’ll happily leave enough cash to pay for tomorrow! These are the bolts that hold my toilet seat on, and I’ll go to the other hardware store if I have to, but I’d really rather give you guys my money!”

Another employee has come out by now and was listening. Then she spoke up and said:

Other Employee: “Really, just one item?”

Me: “I swear! And if I try to buy anything else, just kick me out! Please!”

Other Employee: “Okay. I haven’t done my register yet, come on in!”

Me: “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

I follow her in. Another employee leads me to the proper display, and I am out of there in just a couple of minutes!

I’m a long-time reader of NAR, so this is a shout-out to the OTHER big-name hardware store for trusting an “I only need one item” after-hours customer!

And yes, I used both new bolts to secure the seat!

Customer: *Holding up a blurry phone photo of a mystery object.* “Hi, I need this thing. I don’t know what it’s called, but it goes like this.”

He mimes some twisting, then shaking, then some vague tapping motion.

Me: “Okay… what’s it attached to?”

Customer: “Something under my sink. Maybe a heater? Or a pump? There are pipes. I don’t know, I rent.”

Me: “…Right. Do you know what it does?”

Customer: “Whatever it does, it’s broken.”

Me: “Got it. And you don’t know what it’s called, where it came from, or what it’s connected to?”

Customer: “I figured you’d know!”

Me: “Sir, you just described every appliance and none of them.”

Customer: “Yeah, I need a battery.”

No more information incoming.

Me: “Okay, what type?”

Customer: “It’s about this big.” *Holds hands out in an unclear way.*

Me: “Okay, do you know how many volts/watts?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “What is it for?”

Customer: “Electronics.”

No s***.

Me: “I really can’t help you with that information.”

Customer: “I thought y’all were the battery experts!”

Me: “Yeah… not the battery magicians.”

He wanted to buy one that “looked about right,” but when I told him we didn’t accept returns on opened batteries, he decided it was best to go home and actually check.