My new coworker, a girl fresh out of high school, is serving a table that has a bunch of rowdy guys on it. They seem good-natured and aren’t being offensive, so my coworker seems to be taking it in her stride. 

They end up tipping almost 50%.

Coworker: “Oh wow, thanks, guys! I really appreciate it!”

Customer: “Tell ya what.” *Puts a hand behind his back.* “Tell me how many fingers I’m holding up behind my back, and I’ll take you out to lunch.”

Coworker: *Almost immediately.* “Hmm, nineteen-and-a-half!”

She grabs her tip, winks, and walks away from the group, who are now playfully joshing their friend who shot his shot.

The new girl is gonna be just fine.

Customer: “I want a coffee!”

Me: “Sure. Want some milk with that?”

Customer: “No! Coffee is like people; you shouldn’t mix black and white together.”

I’m not sure if he was just trolling me for a reaction or if he genuinely thought it was acceptable to blurt that out to a stranger out of nowhere, but he gave no indication of either.

I don’t give him the satisfaction of a reaction, and I end up bringing him a cup of milk and only milk.

Customer: “Where the f*** is my coffee?!”

Me: “You said you don’t want to mix with black, so…” *Gestures to the milk.*

Customer: “Jesus, lady, I was only joking! I just want a black coffee.”

Me: “I was only joking too. I have no intention of giving you just a cup of milk.”

Customer: *Smiles and relaxes.* “Good.”

Me: “I actually have no intention of giving you anything. You can get up and leave now.”

Customer: “I said I was only joking! You need to chill out!”

Me: *Gulps down all the milk in the cup.* “There, chilled out. You’re still leaving now, though.”

The customer threw all the menus on the floor (oh no how will I ever rebuild) and stormed out.

In the early 2000s, my wife and I had moved into a new condo and were excited to try out the diner directly across the street from the building. On the Saturday morning after moving in, we were tired of unpacking and decided to go there for breakfast. The food was pretty good, the coffee was decent, and the server was fine. All in all, not the best dining experience, but you couldn’t beat it for convenience.

Everything was fine until it was time to pay. The server dropped off the check, then disappeared. We waited about five minutes before I flagged down another server who was walking by. I asked:

Me: “Do you know where our server went? She dropped the check and hasn’t been back.”

Other Server: “Oh, she’s out back, taking a smoke break.”

Okay, a little weird and unprofessional to drop the check and then leave.

Me: “Could you cash us out?”

Other Server: “I can’t, but you can go to the register where the manager will take care of it.”

We did so, leaving a decent tip, and talked to the manager for a couple minutes, letting him know we had just moved in across the street and would love to come back.

We left, walked across the street, and were reading a historical marker in front of an old church when we heard someone yelling:

Voice: “Hey! Heeeyyyy!”

Turning around, we could see it was our original server, standing in the doorway of the diner. When she saw we were looking at her, she screamed:

Server: “You didn’t pay! Come back or I’m calling the cops!”

My wife and I looked at each other, then started walking over to her. When we got back to the diner, she had her arms folded and was tapping her foot angrily, looking like we were kids she had caught with hands in the cookie jar.

Me: “You dropped off the check and disappeared. We paid at the register when you didn’t come back after five minutes.”

She looked confused for a moment, then doubled down like a toddler.

Server: “No, you didn’t!”

To counter that stellar argument, my wife opened her purse and pulled out the receipt, with the tip marked. The server looked at it, glared at us, then stomped back into the restaurant without an apology.

Despite the convenient location, that experience was bad enough that we never went back to the diner. It closed about eight months later, and a great Chinese restaurant opened in its place, which we went to many times until we moved four years later.

I overheard a couple of friends talking one booth over:

Friend #1: “We could go to Egypt?”

Friend #2: “Where’s that?”

Friend #1: “You know, Egypt… where there are those big triangles in the sand.”

Friend #2: “Never heard of it.”

Friend #1: “Did you see The Mummy?”

Friend #2: “The movie?”

Friend #1: “Yeah. That’s Egypt.”

Friend #2: “Oh. No thanks. That was scary.”

Friend #1: “It’s okay, they killed that scary guy.”

Friend #2: “Yeah?”

Friend #1: “Yeah, Dwayne Johnson got him.”

Friend #2: “Oh, yay! Let’s go.”

I really… REALLY hope they were shooting some satirical video, but I didn’t see any cameras.

I work in one of those small-town diners in a poorer community where some people can pre-pay for a meal and have the receipt put up on a board so that those who would benefit from a free meal can do so.

A customer at the counter wrinkles her nose at the sight.

Customer: “This is ridiculous. You’re just enabling lazy people who don’t want to work.”

Manager: “No one is forced to participate. Every meal on that board is volunteered, a gift from one person to another.”

Customer: “Oh yeah? What if I want one of those free meals?”

Manager: “You’re welcome to one.”

Customer: *Grinning smugly.* “Ha! Free lunch!”

She’s smiling like she’s beaten the system or something. Emboldened by this, she feels the need to continue:

Customer: “But you can’t just keep giving people fish for a day. You gotta teach them how to fish!”

Manager: “You know… You can give someone a fish and then teach them how to fish. It’s a lot easier to learn to fish when you’re not starving.”

Her smile falters a little. She’s suddenly aware that everyone at the diner counter is glaring at her.

She sits there, red-faced and silent for a few minutes until a kitchen worker hands the manager a wrapped sandwich, and he hands it over to her.

Manager: “Your “fish”, ma’am. I hope you won’t go hungry today because of this.”

Now looking embarrassed, she grabs the sandwich, storms out, and never returns.