CONTENT WARNING: Dark Humor, Child Abuse (In the past)

This story reminded me of a conversation I had with some cousins and cousins-in-law at a family gathering. We’re all Asian American, apart from a few Caucasian cousins-in-law. We’re all in the age range of seventeen to nineteen. 

We’re all chatting in one of the bedrooms when we hear a call from downstairs:

Caucasian Cousin’s Mom: “[Caucasian Cousin]! I need you to come down and help me find that thing on my phone!”

Caucasian Cousin: “I’ll do it later, Mom! I’m talking with the cousins!”

Caucasian Cousin’s Mom: “Okay.”

We’re all looking at her.

Caucasian Cousin: “What?”

Asian Cousin #1: “You can talk to your mom like that?”

Caucasian Cousin: “Like what?”

Asian Cousin #2: “Like… talk back to her?”

Caucasian Cousin: “Huh?! I wasn’t talking back!”

Asian Cousin #1: “Girl, your mom just asked you to do something, and you said no.”

Me: “In my house, that’s talking back, and talking back gets the slap.”

Caucasian Cousin: “You’re kidding.”

Asian Cousin #2: “Asian Tiger moms. You just don’t talk back to them. Ever.”

Caucasian Cousin: “You all got… slapped?”

Asian Cousin #1: *Laughs.* “If we were lucky. One time, I said I didn’t want to eat her food, so she threw a bag of rice on the floor and made me pick them all up one at a time with chopsticks.”

Asian Cousin #2: “Oh s***! That was you! I heard about that. My punishment was rice based too! I got detention once and when my mom found out that all I did during the detention period was my homework, she was all “you were gonna do your homework anyway!” and made me hold a bag of rice outstretched in front of me for forty five minutes. I tell ya, that was my first and last detention!”

Me: *Laughing with the other cousins.* “Ah man, I’d rather have the rice than the slap! Man, I don’t think I ever had a week when I wasn’t slapped at least once.”

We’re all laughing and then stop when we realize our Caucasian cousin is looking at us, horrified.

Caucasian Cousin: “Oh my God! How did you all survive childhood?”

All Of Us: “What childhood?”

We all laugh at saying the same thing simultaneously and reassure our cousin that we’re all fine. And then she found out that we all had to work in our family restaurants and takeout places most nights while we did our homework, and a whole new level of horrified faces began…

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My friend has invited me to her family BBQ. She’s just picked me up from my place, as I said I would help with the Costco run before the BBQ. I’m in the car with two of her cousins.

Me: “So how often does your family get together like this?”

Friend: “Well, it used to be more often, but we slowed down after the incident.”

Me: “What incident?”

Cousin #1: “Oh, is that when [Aunt] arrived with all three of her ex-husbands because the current husband was out of town?”

Cousin #2: “No, that was a couple of years ago now. She’s talking about when [Uncle’s Kids] rounded up all the parents’ phones and melted them in the microwave because they thought that’s how you charged them.”

Friend: “No, stupids! It’s when [Oldest Cousin] got drunk and started giving [Stepbrother] a lap dance, and we had to break it up because it was about to confirm that they were sleeping together, and their parents didn’t know yet.”

Me: “Is… is it too late to take me back home?”

Cousin #1: *Starts laughing.* “And miss out on this year’s incident?! Are you mad?”

Luckily for me (and everyone else), my friend’s family BBQ was free of ‘incident’ this year, although one brother did try to set another brother’s Tesla on fire to make a political point, but he was unsuccessful.

CONTENT WARNING: Abuse (forced eating)

I hate cucumbers (and pickles). I CANNOT make myself eat them, no matter how hard I try or how they are disguised. I was at my in-laws for a picnic. [Mother-In-Law] made cucumber salad among other things. She was in front of me in the food line, and yes, she knows I don’t like them.

Mother-In-Law: “Here, [My Name], have some salad.”

Me: *Pulling my plate away.* “No, thank you.”

Mother-In-Law: *Grabbing my plate.* “Just a bite! Come on, you’re not allergic.”

Me: “No.”

I stare at her, heaping spoon in hand. We are both holding on to my plate, and I am just about to let go when my husband speaks up.

Husband: “Mom, she doesn’t want it.”

Mother-In-Law: “I made it myself! There’s nothing dangerous about cucumber salad!”

Husband: “It’s nothing personal. Come on, you’re holding up the line.”

She slams the spoon in the bowl, causing a small mess across the table. She continues filling her plate in an aggressive manner, saying things like “not like you’re actually allergic” and “acting like it’s going to kill you.” I did not engage.

I took my seat beside my husband and began eating and talking with everyone around me. [Mother-In-Law] took the seat on my other side, dropping her plate on the table in a huff. Someone said something funny, and I tipped my head back and laughed. At that exact moment, a spoon appeared in my mouth and a hand at the back of my head. I gagged immediately on the cucumber salad and came back upright to see [Mother-In-Law] standing over me.

Husband: “Mom! Are you insane!?”

Mother-In-Law: “See! She can eat it!”

I am trying SO HARD not to throw up, but I can feel my stomach turning. I turned my head and spat spoon and all… onto [Mother-In-Law]’s dress.

Mother-In-Law: “You b****!”

She actually slaps me.

Husband: “You psycho!”

He grabbed her by the arm and dragged her away. I missed the next part because I was trying to breathe through the surprise vegetable attack and convince my body not to throw up. Eventually, [Husband] came back to me.

Husband: “Come on, we’re leaving.”

Mother-In-Law: “It’s not even an allergy! Picky eaters need to learn!”

That was the last event we attended where she was present. I’m sure it hurts my husband to not visit with his family. I’ve told him he can go on his own, but he always says he would rather have a quiet day with me than a loud day with her.

We’re at my parents’ house for a casual family gathering. My mid-thirties cousin is on his third beer and has started his usual loop of talking about his crypto portfolio like it’s a rescue dog that just needs more time to thrive.

Cousin: “The thing about decentralized finance is, you gotta think long-term. That’s how the big players move.”

Uncle: “Last month, you said you were selling your car to invest in ‘digital land.'”

Cousin: “It’s called the metaverse. And yeah, it’s appreciating.”

Grandma: “Digital land? So it’s fake?”

Cousin: “It’s not fake, it’s virtual. That’s the future.”

Aunt: “The future better pay rent if it’s gonna live in my basement.”

Cousin: *Puffs up.* “Okay, laugh now, but when you’re all stuck here in the cold winter, I’ll be using my digital assets to buy land in Maui!”

We all pause. My aunt (his mom) sets down her drink, looks at him over her sunglasses, and hits him with the line of the day:

Aunt: “Sweetheart, you couldn’t ever finish Monopoly without rage-quitting. Maybe hold off on land deals.”

I decided not to chip in that he bought a virtual yacht and asked me for gas money on the same day.

I’m on a group call with family to organize a family reunion weekend. A cousin is speaking to another cousin who is hosting the reunion.

Traveling Cousin: “So, where are y’all again?”

Hosting Cousin: “Michigan.”

Traveling Cousin: “Is that in Illinois?”

I think this is bad enough, but the cousin hosting replies:

Hosting Cousin: “I don’t know.”