Do You Need To Be Drunk To Enjoy Your Family’s Happiness?

, , , , , | Related | September 11, 2020

My love and I are going to get married and we have an occasion where we can tell family members in person and we’re not stealing the spotlight from someone else.

Me: “So, the cards will come in a few weeks. Please let us know if you come!”

Aunt: “Of course I’ll come! I love wedding parties!”

Wife-To-Be: “Yes, and we decided to do things our way, so expect things to be different. But what and how things will be different… will be a surprise!”

Aunt: “Oh, that’s okay. Just place me at the bar and I’ll have the best time of my life!”

Me: “Yeah, about that… We decided to keep this wedding alcohol-free. There will be no alcohol served.”

My aunt snaps her head around to look at me. Her smile is gone. 

Aunt: “What did you say?”

Me: “We… asked the bar to not serve any alcoholic beverages.”

Aunt: “But… but… why?!”

Wife-To-Be: “We have our reasons. Besides, we want everyone to have fun and not have to worry about who has to drive.”

Aunt: “Oh… okay.”

Uncle: “Well, we’ll be looking forward to your invitation!”

My aunt and uncle did not attend the wedding; they had forgotten about a planned vacation they booked one week after we told them. Such a shame.

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Wait… So, Who All Is Coming?

, , , | Related | August 4, 2020

My aunt tends to repeat an idea multiple times, even if she heard and understood it clearly. At this family gathering, only my younger sister and I are in attendance. The other three members of my family did not come. This conversation ensues.

Aunt: “Is your mother coming?”

Me: “No, she had to do [event].”

Aunt: “Huh? Your mother’s not coming?”

Me: “No, she won’t be coming.”

Aunt: “Then your dad?”

Me: “No, he went with my mother to [event].”

Aunt: “Oh, he’s not coming, either?”

Me: “No, he’s accompanying my mother.”

Aunt: “Then how about [Older Sister]?”

Me: “No, she had to do something for school.”

Aunt: “Oh, [Older Sister] is also not coming?”

Me: “No, she won’t be able to make it.”

Aunt: “So, your mum, your dad, and [Older Sister] are all not coming?”

Me: “No, they won’t be coming.”

Aunt: “Huh, they’re all not coming?”

Me: “No, they’re all not coming.”

Aunt: “So, it’s only you and [Younger Sister] here today?”

Me: “Yes, it’s only me and [Younger Sister].”

Aunt: “Only the two of you?”

Me: “Yes, only us.”

Aunt: “Only the two of you, and the rest of your family aren’t coming?”

Me: *Facepalm*

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You Can Dance If You Want To, You Can Leave Your Mom Behind

, , , , | Related | August 2, 2020

I am at a family reunion with extended family which, in my case, means people I don’t see at any other time except these reunions.

I am a rather introverted child, so I am sitting in a corner reading a book when my mother and another relative come up.

Mom: “[My Name], there’s a dance tonight. Do you want to go?”

Me: “No.”

Relative: “But it’s $5.00 for two, so if you go along, it’ll be cheaper than paying $3.00 for one person.”

Me: “No, it’ll cost $2.00 more.”

Mom: “No, it’ll be cheaper!”

The conversation derails into a debate about how it’ll be cheaper if I go along. Every time I point out that I don’t want to go, I get told that it’ll be cheaper, and the conversation loops through that again. Finally, frustrated with the circular argument, I give up.

Me: “Fine. If you want me to go, I’ll go.”

Predictably, I have no fun. I don’t dance, the music is too loud, I don’t know anybody there to talk to, and I’m not outgoing enough to try talking to people I don’t know.

The next morning, my mother corners me.

Mom: “Why did you go if you didn’t want to dance?”

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Sounds Like Someone Needs A Little-Voice Transplant

, , , , , , | Related | June 16, 2020

I come from a large family, and we don’t get together very often. A table-full of us are gathered at a nephew’s wedding.

[Brother #4], who is not present, as it happens, is famous — notorious, actually — in our extended clan for being an adrenaline junkie with poor decision-making skills.

Seriously — about twenty years ago, as a result of a miscalculation on a bungee jump, he was featured on an episode of the Discovery Channel show called “Real Life Medical Miracles.” For his fortieth birthday, he told his wife he wanted to try cage boxing.

One of us is telling a long and complicated story about him, three dogs, and a skunk, and a niece is shaking her head in disbelief.

Me: “It’s true. You know that little voice that we all have in the back of our brains? The one that tells you not to do dumb stuff like stick a fork in the wall socket?”

Niece: “Are you saying Uncle [Brother #4] doesn’t listen to his little voice?”

Me: “I’m saying his little voice was dropped on its head as a child.”

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Not Just Grandma Is A Hack

, , , , | Related | April 12, 2019

(I am about 13 in this story. My family and I are at a family reunion. My grandparents, who recently moved to Oregon, will also be there. I went to a cybersecurity week camp a month ago.)

Step-Grandma: “So, what did you do this summer, [My Name]?”

Me: “Mostly stayed at home, but I did go to a cybersecurity week camp a month ago.”

Step-Grandma: “What did you do at the camp?”

Me: “We coded a site, went to the aquarium, and learned about cyber-principles, some basics of hacking, and how to do it legally.”

Step-Grandma: “Good! Now you can hack the Russians back!”

Me: “…”

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