Take Off That Collar, Fido!

, , , , , | Friendly | February 26, 2020

My dog can be one of the sweetest dogs ever, but he’s also very skittish and easily startled, and he will panic over anything slightly unusual. My family and friends all know this very well.

Me:
“I was at the bookstore earlier today and found a book that reminded me of [Dog]: ‘How to Live With A Neurotic Dog’.”

Friend:
“So, you’re saying [My Dog] likes to strip naked and dance?”

I process what he just said.

Me: 
“I said, ‘NEUROTIC,’ not ‘EROTIC’!”

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Unfiltered Story #186938

, , | Unfiltered | February 20, 2020

(I am at a restaurant, sitting at a table close to the bar. The bartender is eating something that I can’t see, when the manager walks by.)

Bartender: Hey (manager), you want a carrot?

Manager: No thanks, I’m trying to quit.

Me: *chuckles to myself*

Unfiltered Story #186235

, , | Unfiltered | February 18, 2020

Customer: Yeah, I need 2 cartons of Marlboro Lights in a box.

Me: Okay. That will be 47.73

Customer: Oh my! I hope you can break a $50!

Or Maybe It’s Just Because You’re An A**hole

, , , , , , | Working | February 13, 2020

(I assist people who are applying for certain positions with the company I work for. When we reject an application, we always send an email to the applicant to let them know. Most of the time, the responses say thanks for giving them a chance or ask when/if they can reapply. But sometimes, I do get a response from someone who just cannot handle being told no. This is one of my favorites. This is verbatim, so the spelling and grammar errors are his.)

Applicant Email: “I am receipt of your email, rejecting my application. But I must wonder if my age has an impact on the decision? Or is it that I am a registered Republican, and support our president? Or is it that I am a white male Or could it be that I am a Christian as well? My lawyer may have some interest in your answers to my questions.”

(Our applications don’t ask anything about race, religion, or political association. There was no way for anyone in the office to know any of this until he sent this.)

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Realization In Horrific Harmony

, , , , , | Learning | February 6, 2020

(Our Boy Scout troop is visiting a museum. One of the boys is diagnosed with ADHD, but his parents don’t like him being on medication and regularly have him go without it. As a result, he can be a handful to deal with at times. At the end of the trip, we’re all in the gift shop when a friend and I notice the boy with ADHD grabbing a harmonica from one of the racks and walking with it over to the cash register. Realizing what will happen later, we both exchange horrified looks and immediately turn to one of the assistant scoutmasters who drove up in his own car.)

Me: “Say, is it okay if we ride back with you?”

Assistant Scoutmaster: *confused* “Umm… okay, I guess?”

(So, while the rest of the troop loads up in the van to head back, we get in the car with the assistant scoutmaster. Halfway back, we stop off at a gas station. My friend’s mother, who came along with for the trip and has been riding in the van, gets out with a very annoyed look on her face.)

Me: “Let me guess. [Boy With ADHD] was playing the harmonica the entire time?”

Friend’s Mother: *through clenched teeth* “Non… stop.”

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