More Than Forty-Nein States

, , , , , | Learning | January 20, 2020

A long time ago, a friend was an exchange student from Germany to the United States. On his first day in class, he was asked to show where he was from on a map… 

…of the USA… 

…by the teacher.

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Little Miss Distraction

, , , , , | Learning | January 3, 2020

(When my mother is a student teacher, her professor comes in to observe her teaching. For some reason, she brings her teenage daughter with her. Afterward, the professor discusses the lesson with my mother.)

Professor: “I’m afraid I’m going to have to mark you down for classroom management. A lot of the boys seemed distracted during the lesson.”

Mom: “You brought your daughter with you.”

Professor: “Yes, her school isn’t in session today.”

Mom: “Your cute teenage daughter.”

Professor: “Yes?”

Mom: “Who sat in the front of the room the whole time.”

Professor: “Wait, are you saying that’s why the boys were distracted?”

Mom: “Quite possibly.”

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Unfiltered Story #181143

, , , | Unfiltered | December 27, 2019

(My friend who is a grade above me was recently hospitalized with pneumonia. After returning back to school some weeks after treatment and waiting in the locker room for P.E. to end, she complains that she still is bothered by the infection)

Friend: *coughs*

Me: Still bugging you?

Friend: Yeah, my lungs are hurting me. *Points to side below her breast*

Me: *confused* You said your lungs are bothering you?

Friend: That’s what I just said. *Points to same spot*

Me: (Friend’s name) Your lungs are up here *Points to the right spot*

Friend: *Looks at me wide-eyed* It’s not here. *Points to same spot again*

(I shook my head…then I burst out laughing. I teased her about that for quite a while.)

You’re On Your Mom’s Naughty List This Year

, , , , , , , | Learning | December 25, 2019

(Every year, the Archdiocese my school is a part of puts on a “Keep Christ in Christmas” contest for anyone from 1st to 12th grade. For it, you can submit one of three things: a poster, a 250- to 300-word essay, or a piece of poetry. While the actual prompt is incredibly obvious, you can spin it in literally any direction you want. My high school is one of the only ones that actually makes all of its students do the contest for a grade each year; however, all of the religion teachers go through their submissions and only actually turn the best ones into the contest. It’s my last year doing this contest and I decide to write an essay on the Santa Lie and how commercialism is replacing the original meaning behind the holiday. I finish up and leave my hard copy on the counter so I don’t forget to bring it to school the next day. Unfortunately, my mom finds it and she barges into my room waving it in her hand.) 

Mom: “[My Full Name], what is this?!”

Me: “Uh, my ‘Keep Christ in Christmas’ essay?”

(She then goes on a rant about how terrible and cynical my essay is before reading it out to my dad, who ends up agreeing with her.)

Me: “It’s my last one, Mom. I honestly don’t care anymore.”

(After a bit more arguing, she begrudgingly lets me turn it in. Fast forward about two days.)

Mom: “I got the email that your essay was graded; what did you get?”

Me: “I got full points, 40 out of 40.”

Mom: “I don’t believe you. Show it to me now.”

(She isn’t very happy when I confirm my grade. The next day, I go to my religion class.)

Teacher: “All right, everyone, here are your ‘Keep Christ in Christmas’ submissions back.”

(He finally walks around to my desk.)

Teacher: “Oh, yeah, [My Name], I’m keeping yours to turn in to the Archdiocese. I really like angry screams against capitalism.”

(My mother was not at all happy. Unfortunately, I didn’t win.)

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Will Pass That Class Kicking And Screaming

, , , , , , | Healthy | December 22, 2019

Many years ago, when I am in high school, I join my local volunteer first aid squad and sign up for EMT training. The classes are largely interesting, and I learn a lot. However, EMTs have a strange sense of humor sometimes.

When we get to the maternity section, the final exam for that part of the course consists of delivering a baby. This is accomplished with a set of special dummies: one which is made to replicate the lower body of a woman, and of course, the infant doll which the instructor pushes out for the person to deliver. The proper procedure is to “catch” the infant as it comes out, clean it gently, and then lay it on the mother’s chest for her to hold.

All is going well in the exam, the students having been broken up into groups and assigned to the dummy on which they will take the exam… until, that is, one of the instructors quietly goes around the room, collecting all of the infant dummies and secreting them away.  

At this point, only one group is still testing, as there are no baby dummies to be had anywhere else. One young man approaches to begin his test, and the instructor who’d been taking the dummies steps up to administer it…   

And proceeds to begin screaming at the top of his lungs.

The instructor is wailing like he’s being murdered, which, of course, causes the entire room to look over at what is going on. Never breaking his cry, he begins to push the infant doll through. The poor student is terrified, but he still follows procedure admirably.

But the instructor doesn’t stop screaming.

Not sure what to do, the boy is standing there when another infant starts to come out. So he catches that one, too. Then, the next one. And the one after that. Each time they come faster and faster. It looks like an “I Love Lucy” routine as the poor boy is struggling to catch the dolls, clean them, and place them before the next one comes. It’s to the point where he is stacking the babies like logs on the “mother” because there is no room for them, and he barely manages to put one down before the next one is out.

All the while, the instructor never stops wailing.

The rest of the class is, of course, cracking up. We’re all laughing so hard we can’t breathe. The poor student is handling it admirably, though, never giving up or getting mad. Finally, about two dozen babies later, the instructor runs out of dummies. The test is allowed to end, and the instructor ceases screaming.

The student does pass the exam, but he is admonished that in the future he probably shouldn’t stack newborn infants like Jenga blocks.

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