At the cash register, we have Valentine’s Day-related individually-wrapped chocolates. They’re handmade and very pretty, so a lot of people ask if they’re chocolate — because, you know, reading a sign is too difficult — but this one takes the cake.

Customer: *Picks one out* “What’s this?”

Coworker: “It’s chocolate.”

Customer: *Picks out another* “And this?”

Coworker: “…It’s chocolate.”

Customer: *Picks out another* “Is this a keychain?”

Coworker: “No, it’s chocolate. Everything in this basket is chocolate.”

None of the designs looked even remotely like a keychain. I would have thought he was trying to pull our leg if not for his completely straight face and the person with him looking at him like he had three heads.

During the summer when I was attending college, I picked up a job working the games along the boardwalk near where I lived. I have several interesting experiences, but this one stands out the most to me.

I was working the basketball game when a man and his wife came over with their child in a stroller.

Customer: “How much can three dollars get me?”

Me: “One shot.”

Since he’d already handed the money over, I assumed nothing was wrong and slid the ball over to him. However, instead of taking the shot…

Customer: “Two shots!”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “I want two shots.”

Me: “Five dollars.”

Customer: “C’mon! The kid really wants a prize!”

Me: “Sir, not only are we not allowed to hand out free shots, but my boss happens to be right there.”

I wasn’t going to do it anyway, but my boss being there certainly dissuaded me further. It did not, however, dissuade the man.

Customer: *To my boss* “I want two shots!”

Boss: “How much money did you give her?

Customer: “Three dollars.”

Boss: “Sorry. No free shots.”

Finally, as the man got ready to take his shot, grumbling all the while about how unbelievable it was that we wouldn’t give him a free shot because he had a kid, my big boss (my boss’s boss), came over.

I was honestly just curious to see how this would go.

Me: “If you want to try, that’s the big boss.”

Customer: *To my boss’s boss* “I want two shots!”

Boss’s Boss: “Two shots? Go to the bar!”

I still have no idea how I held in my laughter at that comment. And in case you’re wondering, the guy missed the shot.

I’m in line to check out at a pet store. The guy up at the register has a bag of guinea pig food or bedding or something, and between him and me is someone who looks like he looked up “Grumpy Old Man stereotypes” and used it as a checklist.

Cashier: “All right, your total is [total], we also have these ‘Guinea Dad’ and ‘Guinea Mom’ bumper stickers for just a dollar if you like!”

Guinea Pig Guy: “Ooo, yeah, I’ll take the ‘Guinea Mom’, please.”

Grumpy Old Man: *Scoffs*

Cashier: “All right, here you go, your new total is [total].”

Grumpy Old Man: “PUT IT BACK!”

Cashier & Guinea Pig Guy: “What?”

Grumpy Old Man: “He’s got a f****** beard! It’s bad enough that he’s got some [gay slur] pet like that little rat. Don’t let him act like a woman! Put that f****** thing back!“

Guinea Pig Guy: “…So, anyway, my wife, who is the one who takes care of the guinea pig, would love that sticker, yes. Also, do you guys sell baby food? Someone left their infant here and he’s crying loudly.”

The cashier made a visible effort to not burst out laughing. I made no such effort and doubled over, especially when the Grumpy Old Baby impotently banged his cart a few times and stormed out.

I work for a law firm. A new client calls one day to explain her problem. Her husband passed away two years ago. She kept paying the mortgage. One day, she got a letter explaining that her husband had insurance that paid off the mortgage when he died, so her balance was zero. They returned her last payment. There was no mention of the two years of payments between his death and the most recent one. About three months after that, they foreclosed on her house.

Her attorney calls the legal department of the company to determine the issue. He’s on speaker, so I hear it.

[Attorney] introduces himself to the customer service representative and gives them all the necessary information.

Representative: “You need to speak to Legal. Their number is [number].”

Attorney: “That’s exactly what I just called.”

Representative: “No, this is customer service. Please call the other number.”

[Attorney] ends the call and calls the same number. The same representative answers.

Representative: “Legal Department!”

[Attorney] explains the situation.

Representative: “I can help you with that. I see that there have been no payments made in five months. Why is that?”

Attorney: “Because your company sent a letter stating that there was insurance that paid off the mortgage and left a zero balance.”

Representative: “That is correct, but she should still have been making payments. The insurance takes three to six months to credit.”

Attorney: “He died two years ago.”

Representative: “Sometimes it takes longer.”

Attorney: “You need to dismiss the foreclosure suit, or I am turning this over to the Attorney General’s Office.”

Representative: “Let me get my manager.”

[Attorney] repeats the entire conversation.

Manager: “So, that leaves a total due today of [missed payments PLUS late fees]. That is good until the fifteenth of the month. When can we expect payment?”

Attorney: “You can discuss that with the Attorney General’s staff.”

The entire mess is turned over to the Attorney General. They start a massive investigation of the entire company. Lots of legal steps later, the foreclosure is dismissed and a refund is sent to our client for all the payments between her husband’s date of death and the last payment, the late fees are cancelled, and an additional $1,000 is sent to cover her legal fees. Then, we got a final email from the attorney for the mortgage company.

Company Attorney: “We have sent a check in the amount of [amount] to your attention. It covers payments made after death, late fees paid prior to the commencement of the lawsuit, and attorney fees. Finally, I would like to say that this could have all been avoided if your client had been more patient. While I appreciate that she was emotional following the death, we cannot move as quickly as she might like. In the future, I would appreciate a reasonable amount of time to address issues.”

I wonder why the Attorney General’s office fined them a bunch of money. Just can’t figure it out.

For some reason, my desk has become the default drop-off point for anyone bringing things to our department. This is frustrating because: A) I already have enough crud on my desk, B) they have to walk past four other people’s desks to reach mine, and C) one of those people is my manager, whose job it is to actually delegate work. Depending on how focused I am when someone drops things off, I might end up taking care of ten tasks by myself thinking we were just flooded, and meanwhile, everyone else is sitting around. Like I said, frustrating.

Today, I’m currently working on The Big Project. It’s one of those ones where no single part is difficult, but it’s made of a hundred or so different little tasks, and if they don’t line up just right at the end, it all has to get redone to figure out where it went wrong. I’ve got a “DO NOT DISTURB” sign taped to the side of my cubicle, another taped to the back of my chair, and a third on the other side of my desk next to the group printer. It’s worked (reasonably) well so far today, but someone that I normally get along with comes up and just holds out a handful of papers at me without saying anything, just on the edge of my peripheral vision.

Me: “Give it to [Team Member], please.”

Coworker: “Oh… um, but…”

Me: “I’m really deep in the middle of something and need to focus, please.”

Coworker: “Okay… So… Well…”

Me: “Seriously, please, she’s right there. She has her hand out.”

Team Member: “Hi!”

Coworker: “Well… See? I just, here!”

I let out a sigh, snatched the paper in a more frustrated way than I “should have”, got up, walked the two steps to [Team Member]’s desk, handed it to her, and gestured with a big smile before going back and sitting down. And I lost my place, meaning I had to go back and restart the section I was in and lost ten or fifteen minutes of work.

The reason [Coworker] just stood there stammering? Someone said, “Give this to [My Name] in [Department].” They didn’t just say to give it to our department, but to me specifically, so she took it literally and was apparently just “shy” and couldn’t explain it to my face.

We did some rearranging in our little side office, so the printer table is now in the front area, and it has a big “DROP OFF HERE” sign. I don’t have high hopes.