I have recently transferred from working at one post office to another after moving. My new manager comes over to me, laughing.

Me: “What is it?”

Manager: “We just got a review online. You were mentioned.”

Me: “Is it bad?” 

Manager: “Even better: it’s hilarious.”

He shows it to me, and it’s a five-star review, so I am surprised when I read the actual words.

Review: “The new girl did everything perfectly, and the service was polite and prompt, but the tattoos do not make for a good impression. I understand that she is from another branch. Hopefully, our branch can get adequate help soon.”

Me: “I think that might be my favorite complaint about me.”

I printed it out and framed it!

I give you three instances of my ex that I have since dubbed “The Snap™”, where she could go from 0 to 1000 in an instant.

Example #1:

I’m cooking her dinner.

Me: “Hey, babe, do you want a boiled egg with your curry?”

Ex: *Extremely snappy out of nowhere* “I don’t know. Do you want to be single?”

Me: “…That would be a no, then?”

Ex: “Duh! Boiled eggs are f****** gross! If you like boiled eggs, you’re a psychopath. Why would you even ask me if I want an egg with my curry of all things?”

Me: “Because I like an egg with my curry sometimes. I guess I’m a psycho, then.”

Somehow, she is back to perfectly pleasant after that.

Example #2:

Again, a dinner incident. I planned to make pancakes, but we’re out of jam for topping, so we pop to the store.

Ex: “What flavour jam were you craving?”

Me: “Dunno… I’m a bit fed up with forest fruit, as I always have that.”

Ex: “How about strawberry?” 

Me: “Not really, either. I think I want—”

Cue The Snap™.

Ex: “OH, MY GOD! Forget about the whole f****** d*** jam, then, why don’t you?!”

Me: “—blackcurrant. Uh… is there a problem?”

Ex: *Suddenly sugary sweet again* “No… why?”

Me: “We can get strawberry if you really prefer that.”

Ex: *Still smiling innocently* “No, blackcurrant is fine.” 

These kinds of instances pop up here and there, and when I ask her about it, she first ignores it, but after a while, she confesses that she is going through a burnout and she’s just tired and depressed, and that’s why she’s snappy. We haven’t been dating for three months, and we’re not at an “unconditional love and support” level by a long shot, especially not with the way she has been snapping at me, but I try my best by her. She says she understands that I need some more love and attention than she is giving me, and she urges me to speak up about it when I need it.

So, we come to the scene of the last Snap™.

We’re at her place, sitting on opposite ends of the couch. I open my arms to invite a snuggle, but she claims she is “too tired to even lean across”.

But not two seconds later, she gets up to pluck her cat from the other end of the room and give it a very grand display of hugs and kisses.

Trying to be playful and not too “Hello, I’d like some attention” and on-the-nose with my needs, I say:

Me: “Wow, [Cat] gets so many kisses today! You happen to have one to spare for me?”

Ex: *Snappy thundercloud out of nowhere* “I don’t know. Check under the couch for one for all I care.” 

I broke up with her the week after that, and somehow she was all “Surprised Pikachu Face” about it, even after all this.

My mom regularly video calls with my niece, my sister’s child, who is two years old. My mother also has four cats. Every time my sister initiates a call, my niece asks to see the cats. I overhear the most recent video call.

Mom: “Hi, [Niece], sweetie!”

Niece: “Kitty?”

Sister: *Exasperated* “Can you at least say hi to Grammie first?”

Niece: *Cheerily* “No, thank you, Grammie! Kitty, please!”

I was hired by proxy as a character designer for a game developer who’d had some success. This was the original briefing:

Client: “We want a strong, solid female character. Young archeologist, don’t fall into Lara Croft or feminine Indiana Jones. Heroic, the adventurous type.”

Just that. Nothing else.

I sent the first draft.

Client: “This looks amazing. I have some suggestions, nevertheless.”

The suggestions, in about ten to fifteen revisions, included things like redrawing the right boot heel with a 10° inclination, adding half an inch (proportional, of course) to the satchel length, switching the angle of the light (?), and restructuring her nose bridge a few pixels width with three different MS Paint images.

This went on. What broke the camel’s back was this:

Me: “I can’t be doing more revisions. You keep returning the demos with lots of little insignificant changes, based on nothing sent in the original brief.”

Client: “This has to be perfect, and it gets more and more difficult to work with you. You keep missing the major key of the character. She’s not heroic or adventurous yet. It’s you who is wasting our time.”

Me: “What? I designed a young female archaeologist, clearly strong and self-confident. Adventurous and heroic.”

Client: “SHE’S NOT A REDHEAD! HOW COULD YOU MISS THAT?”

Me: “You didn’t tell me to draw a redhead!”

Client: “It’s pretty obvious that if she’s heroic, she has to be a redhead. I can’t believe I’ve gotta explain this to you.”

I asked the proxy if I could be harsh firing the client. She said yes.

I’m happy now.

The company I work for has tried to do various fun activities for the employees over the years. Some have worked better than others. Several years ago, they decided to do an Easter egg hunt in the parking lot. Our parking lot is a large rectangle with plenty of landscaping to hide eggs. The eggs could contain candy, one- or five-dollar bills, or gift cards to nearby stores.

They had us all in the middle of the parking lot. We were told there were no eggs on or under anyone’s cars so not to bother looking there. Then, they told us to go, and everyone took off, running and sometimes screaming in excitement. Not being particularly athletically inclined, I decided to simply stroll around and see what I could find without getting too worked up about it.

I headed toward one end of the parking lot and spotted a pink egg under a large bush with big pink flowers. Several people ran past me and past the bush, but none of them noticed it before I reached it. I was pleased that I’d found at least one. Looking around again, I spotted a green egg under a leafy, green bush. I walked over calmly and retrieved it, as well. Again, several people ran by me before I reached it and none of them noticed.

In the end, as I walked all the way around the lot, I ended up with four eggs and some people had none. The admin people were counting them all up and announced that they had all been found. Some people congratulated me, but a few people glared at me and muttered that there should be a limit to how many anyone was allowed to take. I just ignored them. If there was a limit, I would have obeyed it, but there wasn’t one. I ended up with a handful of candy, six dollars, and a gift card to a restaurant down the street.

The next year, they changed it. They hid eggs around the building in the non-work areas, but the signs said specifically to only take one per person as they wanted to make sure there were enough for all three shifts. Also, there was only candy in these eggs. I got my one egg and was perfectly fine, but I heard that some people never got theirs because people were ignoring the signs and taking more than one.