Breast Birthday Ever

, , , | Right | October 11, 2018

(I am working as floor staff at a small movie theater. Occasionally, we host birthday parties for kids, and we treat them to a tour of the automated projection room before their showing begins. Today we are hosting a birthday party of about ten preteen boys. I have brought them upstairs along with two parental chaperones and am showing them around. It is between showings at the moment; some of the movies have started already but most still have a while to go before they begin.)

Me: “All right, guys, you can go ahead and look around! Have fun, and I’m right here if you have any questions!”

(The boys scatter throughout the room, looking at the projection machines and peering through the windows into the theaters.)

Boy #1: “I can see our theater! Look, there’s my mom!”

Boy #2: “This one has previews!!”

Boy #3: “This one has BOOBIES!”

(The boy points excitedly to a projector that has already started… showing a sex scene! Immediately, all the other kids rush over to the “boobie projector” as I exchange mortified glances with their parents.)

Me: “Oh, my God! Uh, kids, you might want to wait a few years for that one!”

(We managed to distract them with a scary story, and luckily the parents were very understanding. I’m just glad they didn’t see anything below the waist!)

A Dark Encounter

, , , , , | Right | October 8, 2018

(I work as an usher, and every now and then someone will buy movie tickets for their friend or significant other, who hasn’t shown up yet. The conversation usually ends up like this.)

Customer: “Would it be okay if I left you a ticket for my wife? I want to go in and find a seat.”

Me: “Sure. That’s no problem.”

Customer: “Okay, I’m going to give her a call and let her know you have it.” *on the phone* “Hey, yeah, I’m at the theater right now, and the usher has your ticket, so just go up to him and he’ll let you through. Oh… Um… He’s tall… Has a beard… Glasses… Um… Uh…”

Me: “It’s okay. You can say it. It’s a description.”

Customer: *sighs in relief* “He’s black.”

Hopefully Stress Therapy Is Also Covered

, , , , | Healthy | October 7, 2018

(My daughter requires glasses to see, so we go in for our regular eye appointment in November. Everything goes well until it comes time to pay for the appointment and glasses, at which point the staff inform me that my daughter’s vision insurance has already been used this year, and therefore won’t cover her new glasses. Confused, since her last appointment was fourteen months ago — definitely over a year — I head home to contact our insurance company to get things straightened out.)

Me: “I’m trying to figure out why my daughter’s insurance has been marked as used this year. Our last appointment was in September of last year, fourteen months ago.”

Insurance Rep: “Oh, we have an appointment on file from January of this year, so her insurance has already been used.”

Me: “But we didn’t have any eye appointment in January. Something’s not right here.”

Insurance Rep: “I don’t know what to tell you. You had an appointment in January, so you have to wait until next year to use her insurance again.”

Me: “And I’m telling you her last vision appointment was September of last year. We didn’t have any January appointment. Your records are wrong.”

Insurance Rep: “Give me a moment to check.”

(She puts me on hold for a while as she looks into this.)

Insurance Rep: “I don’t know what to tell you. You used her coverage for an appointment in January at a clinic in Missouri.”

Me: “We live in Georgia. We haven’t been to Missouri in the last year, let alone for a vision appointment. Who was the appointment for?”

Insurance Rep: “Oh, [Male Name, nowhere near my daughter’s relatively unique name].”

Me: “That’s not my daughter.”

Insurance Rep: “Oh. Let me look into this some more.”

(She puts me on hold again.)

Insurance Rep: “Okay, so, it looks like that vision clinic put the wrong patient information in when they filed his appointment.”

Me: “So, this is going to be fixed, and my daughter can get her glasses, right?”

Insurance Rep: “Unfortunately, it’s going to take six weeks or more to correct this error.”

Me: “But that puts us in next year, and my daughter needs her glasses.”

Insurance Rep: “I’m sorry, but that’s the best we can do.”

Me: “Even though it was your company’s mistake?”

Insurance Rep: “I’m sorry. Perhaps you can work something out with your vision clinic in the meantime?”

Me: “Fine.”

(Luckily, the vision clinic is at least willing to work with me on a reimbursement plan that will allow us to get the glasses now and have the insurance company cover the cost once they finally get around to fixing the problem without it applying against the next year. But aside from our insurance company not realizing that an adult man in Missouri is not my 10-year-old daughter in Georgia, the real gem is what happens when my husband calls the insurance company for a follow-up.)

Husband: “So, how can we be sure this doesn’t happen again next year?”

Insurance Rep #2: “You’ll just have to call in every now and then to make sure her insurance hasn’t been used yet.”

Husband: “You mean you don’t have anything in place to make sure that my daughter’s insurance doesn’t get accidentally applied to someone else’s appointment in another state?”

Insurance Rep #2: “No, sorry.”

Husband: “So, you’re making us do your job.”

Whipping Them Into Understanding

, , , , | Right | October 5, 2018

(I work as the dairy manager for a large grocery store chain. The following is an encounter with an older customer who has been shopping there for years.)

Customer: “Excuse me. Can you tell me where the whipped cream is?”

Me: “I’ll do one better; I’ll show you. That way I’ll know you’ve found it.”

(This is typical retail protocol.)

Customer: *after walking her to the whipped cream* “No, this isn’t right. I can’t cook with this stuff.”

Me: “Did you mean whipp-ing cream?”

Customer: *looks and sounds irritated with me* “Whipped cream, whipping cream, whatever.”

(She grabbed her whipp-ING cream and walked away. I’ve seen her since, but she doesn’t speak to me.)

Waterdude, Friends With Rodent Guy And Okay Fella

, , , , , , | Romantic | October 5, 2018

(A few years ago, my husband managed to be in the right place at the right time, and he was cast as an extra in a movie. It was a negligible role, but he ended up meeting the star actor, a well-known heartthrob, famous for playing a certain underwater superhero. They look similar, most noticeably tall with long hair. However, my husband is fairly thin, and this actor is very muscular with a large frame. They both share a scar through the same eyebrow, a trait that they seemed to bond over when they met. It’s also worth noting that my husband and I have recently been looking for a new work truck.)

Me: “I read online that The Rock got his stunt double a new truck.”

Husband: “Really?”

Me: “Yeah. You’ve got a rapport with a famous actor. Maybe you should rekindle your old flame.”

Husband: *scoffs* “Yeah, sure. He’s Aquaman. I’m more like… Waterdude.”

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