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She Has Beef With The Veggie Pizza

, , , , , | Right | November 30, 2021

I’m in line for the pizza place at the food court.

Lady In Front Of Me: “What kind of pizza is that?”

Employee: “That’s the veggie.”

Lady In Front Of Me: “Is there any beef in that?”

I facepalmed so hard I left a mark on my forehead.

That’s… How Sales Work

, , , , | Right | November 26, 2021

This happens right after Black Friday.

Customer: “Excuse me, miss.”

Me: “Yes, sir?”

Customer: *Points to a tag* “The tag on these pants says they’re $54.99.”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “But the sign says they’re $24.”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “Why are the prices different?”

Me: “Because they’re on sale, sir.”

Hard Of Hearing Meets Hard Of Understanding

, , , , , , , | Right | November 23, 2021

I’m hard of hearing, so when I was hired, I was given a separate name tag that is pinned on the left side of my chest. Sometimes my hair covers it, but I’m mindful to make sure it doesn’t. The name tag in question is bright yellow (against a somewhat dark-blue apron) saying, “I’m Hearing Impaired,” in big, bold letters. Along with this, I also have a transcribe app on my phone that I used to keep out to talk to customers, but now I keep it away from customers and in front of my coworker who can relay requests to me.

I am a courtesy clerk, so unfortunately, I do have to interact with customers. I love doing so! It’s just, well, difficult. On top of that, masks are currently mandatory.

I have had too many customers whose interactions end up like this.

Customer: “Excuse me, can you help me find [unintelligible].”

Me: “I’m sorry, what did you ask?”

Customer: *Intelligible request and vague hand movements*

Me: “Sorry, give me one minute. I am hard of hearing…”

At this point, I move aside my hair to show the name tag if I have to.

Me: “I have a transcribe app that will help me understand what you are asking.”

However, when I get the app opened, the customer will stare at it and then roll their eyes, or scoff, and march off. I’m left standing there confused, wondering why they keep walking off. Do they think my app is recording them? I can only imagine!

What If The Duck Wanted Some Wings?

, , , , , , | Right | November 20, 2021

I’m ordering inside. I can hear an employee talking to the drive-thru through an intercom.

Employee: “Hi, welcome to [Chain]. What can I get you today?”

Intercom: *Quacking noise*

Employee: “Can you repeat that?”

Intercom: *Quacking noise*

Employee: “Hey, [Boss], intercom’s busted again. It’s just making duck noises.”

Boss: “It was just working fine. Let me see what’s—”

He leans his head all the way out the window.

Boss: “Hey, you! Quit holding up the line and let that duck go!”

Two kids ran away laughing, one holding a quacking duck under her arm.

Go To Bed Before Your Brain Blows

, , , , , , | Romantic | November 15, 2021

My husband and I have both been playing on our computers before bed. I go into his office to say goodnight. 

Me: “All right, babe, I’m heading on to bed because I’m falling asleep trying to read this webcomic. I love you! Goodnight!”

Husband: “I’m almost done here. Should be five minutes or so and I’ll join you.”

Me: “Awesome.”

As I walk out the door, I notice he still has a scented candle lit. As he often forgets such things, I begin to lean forward to blow the candle out. Before I can complete the motion, my husband speaks. 

Husband: “Kiss?”

I turn towards him, but instead of kissing him, I blow forcefully on his mouth!

Husband: “What. Wait. Why?!”

Me: *Laughing uproariously* “I was about to blow out the candle when you said, ‘Kiss?’ and so I just… blew in your face, instead! I’m so sorry! You are not a candle!”

Husband: “Yeah, you do definitely need to head on to bed! Don’t worry, babe. I’ve got the candle.”

He did not, in fact, remember to blow the candle out! Thankfully, nothing caught fire overnight, and his office did smell wonderful the next day.