A friend and I are discussing a recent and surprising breakup with another friend.
Friend: “Why did you break up with him? You said he was a golden retriever.
Recently Single Friend: “He was. Lovely, and friendly… but so sooo dumb.”
Friend: “That can sometimes be a good thing.”
Recently Single Friend: “He had room temperature IQ.”
Me: “Ouch.”
Recently Single Friend: “In Europe.”
Me: “Ouch in metric.”
My friends and I usually hold our birthday parties at a bar we all enjoy. At the time of this story, [Friend #1] has recently moved in with his girlfriend as his birthday approached, and so had warned us that we might need to pick a different venue from usual.
This SHOULD have been his (and our) first red flag, but we, the dumba**es, just assumed the different location meant the bar was now out of his way enough to make travel questionable. When he confirmed the usual spot would be fine, we let our worries fade away.
His birthday arrives, and we eat, drink, and be merry. Halfway through the festivities, [Girlfriend] shows up.
Girlfriend: “What the f*** are you still doing here?”
Friend #2: “We’re having a party? That’s kind of what birthdays are for.”
Girlfriend: “Go f*** yourself.” *To [Friend #1].* “Why the h*** are you drinking?”
Friend #1: “Because the drinks taste good.”
Girlfriend: “Are you done?”
Friend #1: “Done what?”
Girlfriend: “Being drunk.”
Friend #3: “That’s… not how alcohol works.”
Girlfriend: “F*** you, too.” *Grabbing [Friend #1]’s arm.* “We’re leaving.”
Friend #1: *Wrenching his arm free.* “No, YOU’RE leaving. I am going to enjoy my birthday party as I TOLD you I was going to LAST WEEK.”
[Girlfriend] stormed out of the bar and waited ominously by the curb until the bouncer drove her off. [Friend #1] moved out of her place the very next day and crashed with me while he was looking for a new home.
Years later, he refers to her barging in on his birthday party as “the best birthday gift she could’ve given me” – a giant warning sign that she was going to try and force her preferences on him as long as they were dating, allowing him to get out of the relationship ASAP.
My girlfriend and I have only been going out for about two months when my birthday rolls around. I don’t have any family left in the area, thus my tradition the last few years was to go to one of a few mid-range-but-good restaurants nearby and get a big, fat, steak. It’s outside my normal budget, but it’s my birthday, darnit! Also, out-of-state relatives send money. This year, obviously, my girlfriend comes out with me. Things start… poorly.
Me: “Should I go for the prime rib or the porterhouse?”
Girlfriend: “Excuse me?”
Me: “I mean, usually I go for the quality of the prime rib, but I’m kind of starving, so I might just want something giant.”
Girlfriend: “Uh, no.”
Me: “…What do you mean, no?”
Girlfriend: “What happened to our agreement that we were splitting everything evenly?”
Me: “On a NORMAL date, yeah, this is my birthday dinner, and I said earlier I’m using the money my family sent.”
Girlfriend: “We can put that to other things.”
Me: “Well, why don’t YOU get something bigger, then?”
Girlfriend: “I don’t WANT something bigger!”
Me: “Why are you being like this?”
Girlfriend: “We had an AGREEMENT, as to how we’re spending OUR money!”
This goes back and forth to the point that I’m brow-beaten and upset to the verge of tears. I finally settled for a “sizzling fajita platter” because they have a special going on, and it’s inside the budget set by her simple chicken alfredo. The food’s still tasty, and the cheesy mashed potatoes are a surprise bonus, but I’m miserable throughout the whole meal because of how she talked down to me like a child.
The meal gets done, and we look at the dessert menu, and my jaw hits the floor. Sticky toffee pudding! While it’s not my favorite, you can NEVER find it around here, so I always order it when I can. As for my girlfriend, it IS her favorite, so we get two. Dinner saved! At least until she’s already finished hers while I’m less than halfway through mine.
Girlfriend: “Oh, that was so good.”
Me: “Yeah, it definitely is.”
Girlfriend: “Hey, give me yours!”
Me: “What?”
Girlfriend: “I enjoyed mine so much, you should share yours with me!”
Me: “But… But…”
I’m trying extremely hard not to start bawling out loud in the middle of the restaurant. She folds her arms and scowls at me.
Girlfriend: “Why are you being greedy?”
Me: “My birthday…”
Girlfriend: *Slaps the table.* “ANSWER ME!”
Welp, that did it. I start crying out loud. I also start furiously yelling in her face.
Me: “I HAVE ONE GOD-D*** DAY OUT OF THE ENTIRE YEAR I DO ANYTHING SPECIAL FOR MYSELF, PAID FOR BY OTHER PEOPLE, AND INSTEAD OF JOINING ME YOU INSULT ME AND HARASS ME UNTIL I’M F****** CRYING! BUT GOD FORBID I DO THAT OUT LOUD BECAUSE IT MIGHT UPSET YOU, AND THEN YOU CAN’T EVEN LET ME ENJOY MY OWN D*** BIRTHDAY DESSERT AFTER ALREADY EATING YOURS!? HOW IS THAT EVEN!? HOW IS THAT FAIR OR CARING OR COMPASSIONATE IN ANY WAY?!?
I throw my fork on the table, pick up the plate, storm over to a server stand. Yes, they heard and saw, obviously. I somehow ask for the check and a to-go box in one breath; I get it, tip them well, and go out to my car, and leave. No, I didn’t abandon her, she drove herself. She did text me on the way home, though.
Girlfriend: “I probably wouldn’t even have eaten the whole thing, I don’t know what the problem is.”
She gave me the best birthday present I had had in years: a gigantic red flag telling me to break up with her.
I’m straightening bedding in the bed department when a couple walks into the aisle holding a duvet cover.
Girlfriend: “I think it’s time to get a new duvet.”
Boyfriend: “Uh… why?”
Girlfriend: “I like this one. Ours is old. We should replace it.”
Boyfriend: “But you only moved in last month. I got that duvet.”
Girlfriend: “Yeah, but you’ve had it for a while.”
Boyfriend: “It’s fine. We don’t need to spend money on another one.”
Girlfriend: “It has holes in it.”
Boyfriend: “It still works.”
Girlfriend: “Why do you always do this? I’m asking for one thing.”
Boyfriend: “Because you always want to buy things we don’t need.”
The tension rises fast.
Girlfriend: “It’s a duvet, not a car. Why are you acting like this?”
Boyfriend: “Because I’m tired of you deciding everything. You don’t listen.”
Girlfriend: “I don’t listen? You shut down every time I bring up anything about our place.”
Boyfriend: “Maybe because I’m not sure I even want to keep doing this.”
A long silence. She sets the duvet back on the shelf.
Girlfriend: “Then that’s it. I’m done.”
She walks toward the exit. He hesitates, then follows her out without another word.
My coworker steps out from the next aisle, watching them leave.
Coworker: “I don’t think they were ready for a new duvet.”
CONTENT WARNING: Sexual content.
I was in a bar one night for a friend’s birthday, and our conversation was interrupted by a woman who was screaming because she was breaking up with her boyfriend.
Girlfriend: “You’re broke and useless! And… and… and every time we f***ed I f***ing faked it!”
Boyfriend: *Deadpan and calm.* “What makes you think I was f***ing you for your benefit?”
She then poured his beer all over him and stormed out.
We were back at that bar the next weekend (two friends’ birthdays one week apart), and the couple was there again, eating each other’s faces, so I guess they worked it out?
