Your Girlfriend’s Hot But She Needs To Go

, , , , , , , | Friendly | July 28, 2021

Our roommate has ricocheted from a long-term relationship into a new girlfriend. We all think it’s way too soon, but as much as we think that, and as annoying as we all find her, we are happy for him.

Me: “[Roommate]! Has your girlfriend been eating food from the shared fridge again?”

Roommate: “I’m sorry, man. She gets hungry and I don’t have anything she likes.”

Me: “Get something she does like, then. Order in, or spend time at her place. Don’t let her eat my food; it’s expensive and I have to go across town to get it.”

Roommate: “I’m sorry. I’ll talk to her. Just, you know, we have fun hanging around with everyone.”

Me: *Sigh* “Fine, it’s fine. Just have a word before tomorrow. I’m getting my grandad’s chilli peppers and I’m not sharing with anyone.”

He says he will. I don’t know if he will do it or if she is ignoring him. A couple of days later, [Roommate]’s girlfriend shows up again and goes straight to his room. I’m in and out all night, and I arrive to find the two of them in a shouting match. The girlfriend pushes past me to leave the house.

Me: “That looked bad. You had an argument?”

Roommate: “Yeah, I don’t think she’s coming back.”

Me: “I’m sorry. This isn’t about the food, is it? I’m sorry if it is, but it had to be said.”

Roommate: “Oh, no. She was angry about that. But when I said it was you, I guess she sneaked into the kitchen to eat some of your food.”

Me: “No, not my chillis.”

Roommate: “Yeah, she took a big mouthful and started crying about how hot they were. She said you poisoned her on purpose and I had to make you apologise.”

Me: “Mate, she wasn’t good for you, and she was annoying as h***.”

He moped around for a few weeks, and after a few months, he found a great girl. They moved in together a while later. They come round every so often and she even brings her own food to share. Definitely an upgrade!

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Yeesh. Grow Up.

, , , , , , | Romantic | June 26, 2021

One of the best things about being thirty and older is that you develop a low tolerance for drama in partnerships, gaining a deeper perspective in life as you discover that there is so much more out there than needing to have a significant other at all times.

I ended a four-month-long roller coaster of a relationship with a twenty-six-year-old after deciding that there were too many things about her personality that just didn’t rest well with me. After three months of silence, she contacted me and promised that she would work on her personal issues, and for reasons unclear to me, I elected to give her one last chance on the condition that we take things slowly.

After only a week of communicating only by phone and Facebook, she left me a message.

Girl: “Okay, you know what? I’m done playing around. If you don’t want to be with me, have it your way. I’ve met this guy from [City] and he treats me with way more respect than you ever did!”

She listed all kinds of things about him.

Girl: “I feel strong and safe with him. He is going to be going to [Location] for a vacation and he wants me to come along — and you know what? I’m going with him! It’ll be just him and me! So there! I hope you feel happy now that you blew it with me! Don’t even bother trying to contact me because I’m changing my number! Have a nice life!”

Had I been twenty-one, I would have been ringing her back and trying anything to make her happy. But now, having had all the experiences, I…

…deleted the message, grabbed my tennis racket, and headed for the courts.

Amusingly enough, she contacted me again only a week later.

Girl: “Here is my new number if you ever want to talk and fix things between us.” 

This was later followed several days later with:

Girl: “Okay, I’m sorry. That guy doesn’t really exist; I made it up to make you mad. Can we start over?” 

Neither message got a response. I’m still single, but I’ve learned that it’s better to be happy and alone than to be miserable in a relationship full of drama!


This story is part of our Best Of June 2021 roundup!

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Your First Dance Will Be Your Last

, , , , , | Romantic | May 14, 2021

I was asked to be the best man at a friend’s wedding a good twelve or so years ago. He was an ex-serviceman and she was his childhood sweetheart.

I’d been friends with the groom for upwards of twenty years and known the bride for close to ten. They’d been together the better part of a decade and they always got on, so no one was surprised when they announced their wedding, and everyone expected things to go off without a hitch.

Roll forward a couple of months. The groom showed up at my place unannounced.

Groom: “[Bride] and I just had a huge argument!”

The guy was upset, but a couple of drinks later, he laid out what had happened. He’d been happy to go along with the bride’s plans with one exception: he didn’t want to do the first dance. Why, you ask? He’d been discharged from the service due to losing a lower leg to an IED in the Middle East. He wasn’t exactly fire on the dance floor to start with, and he was as graceful as a hippo now. He also hates doing things that draw attention to his disability, which is understandable. He was going along with a lot of other things that he definitely didn’t really want to do and this was his line in the sand.

He stayed the night at my place, and the day after, we went back to his place as a duo and, with me as mediator, we managed to work it out after a lengthy back and forth with a fair amount of shouting and tears. His bride finally agreed to no dance for his sake and things moved on.

Months later, the big day arrived and it went off great. The weather was flawless, everything came together great, we got through the ceremony, the meals, and the speeches, and it was on to the reception.

It was 7:50 pm and the cake cutting was down for 8:00 pm, so I was gathering outliers back to the main room for that when I heard the DJ get on the mic.

DJ: *Loudly* “Okay, everybody, it’s time for the newlyweds’ first dance!”

I hurried into the room to find the bride centre stage on the dance floor, staring down the groom, who was just the most enraged I’d ever seen him.

Bride: “Come here, [Groom]. It’s dance time!”

He walked over to her, pulled his wedding ring off, and threw it in her face. Then, he walked out, making the “cut it off” gesture to the DJ. He left everyone in shocked silence, and a few seconds later, I got my jaw up off the floor and followed him as the bride went into a meltdown where she stood.

I found the groom stalking through the car park outside and had to physically grip him to get him to calm down. I’d got him at least calm enough to be lucid again when the bride’s mother stomped round the corner and began screaming at the groom, which prompted him to go off again.

Me: “Hey! [Bride] promised him she wouldn’t do this and embarrass him, and yet here we are!”

This shouting match went on for quite some time, until, eventually:

Groom: “[My Name], get me out of here.”

I got a taxi down and we bailed out back to my house so he could cool off.

Early afternoon the day after, the bride knocked on my door.

Bride: “I know [Groom] is in there!”

Groom: “F*** OFF!”

She tried to push past me and I blocked her.

Me: “Just to remind you, this is my house.”

She settled for screaming round me at him. He eventually got fed up and came and stood behind me and spelled it out in the kind of voice you can only manage when you’re restraining unbearable rage.

Groom: “You lied to me, put me on the spot, and shattered my trust in you. How can I continue after that? If you’re willing to lie about something like that, how can I trust you to do anything?”

She tried to counter him but ran out of steam as he kept going, and he ended by saying that he wanted the marriage annulled. She burst into tears and left.

The marriage was annulled not long after. Unsurprisingly, they don’t keep in touch. The groom remarried three years ago with the same request, this time respectfully held by his new wife. The bride moved out of the area shortly after the marriage collapsed and I’ve heard no news of her since.


This story is part of our Best Of May 2021 roundup!

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A Tough Drink To Swallow

, , , , , | Romantic | CREDIT: BlackbirdNamedJude | April 5, 2021

My last relationship was beyond bad; he was all sorts of abusive and controlling. At one point, I had the strength to break up with him, but then we got back together after we discussed some things. Stupid, I know, but love and all that. One of the things we agreed on when we got back together was that he and I would stop drinking alcohol because he was beyond crazy aggressive when he drank, and I wanted to support his sobriety. This is REALLY important.

Fast forward about eight months or so. We got into a huge fight and I not only broke up with him, but I kicked him out of the house and told him he wasn’t ever allowed back inside. We’d been living together for over a year at this point, so his mom got in touch with me about getting his stuff. While on the phone with her I could hear him in the background.

Ex: “Make sure they get everything I own or bought. I want it all back.”

Apparently, he even wanted stuff he gifted me back, but honestly, I didn’t care. I was happy to get rid of anything related to him. While cleaning our room up and gathering EVERYTHING, I started to come across numerous bottles and cans of alcohol. It seems he had been drinking again for a while and was hiding the evidence in the room. I mean, he was hiding them under the bed, in his guitar case, rolled up in his clothes, in some old backpacks of mine, and so on and so forth.

He had said he wanted everything of his, so any bottle and the few unopened cans I found went straight into one of the garbage bags of his stuff. By the time I had gathered everything up, I had three bags of stuff and one was basically all just the alcohol.

Dropping them off was just so satisfying. He actually called moments after I left his parents’ place, ranting.

Ex: “You are being so petty and immature!”

My response?

Me: “Well, you wanted all of your stuff back, and those definitely weren’t mine. Plus, I figured you’d probably need a drink to deal with the breakup.”

I promptly ended the call and blocked him on everything. That was the most satisfying thing I’ve ever done.


This story is part of our Best Of April 2021 roundup!

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Trust Should Go Both Ways

, , , , , | Romantic | January 11, 2021

My boyfriend and I settle down to watch a movie. We live together and have had no trust issues until now.

Boyfriend: “So… there’re some things on your computer that I don’t like. I want you to delete them.”

Me: “Wait, what? You looked at my computer?”

Boyfriend: “Well, yeah. If we want this to go further, we have to know everything about each other. That one guy, what’s his name? [Celebrity]? I want you to delete all those pictures of him.”

Me: *Pause*  “I think you should get out and not come back.”

Boyfriend: “Why?”

Me: “Because you invaded my privacy! If there’s something you need to know, I will tell you, but looking through my computer or phone is not okay. It’s a huge breach. You clearly don’t trust me enough to be honest with you, and now you’re trying to control me. This isn’t going to work out.”

He tried to apologize, but I told him to leave anyway.


This story is part of our Best Of January 2021 roundup!

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