A De-Graded Friendship

, , , , , , | Learning | March 13, 2018

(I’m in sixth grade and we are about to have math class for first period. Our homework was to have a parent sign a test and our math teacher is VERY strict about signatures.)

Classmate #1: “I forgot to have my parents sign my test!”

Classmate #2: “Oh, my God, same!”

(They sign each other’s tests, attempting to replicate each other’s mother’s signatures. A few minutes later, class starts and our teacher comes around to check the tests. He stops suddenly at my two classmates’ tables.)

Teacher: “Did your mom really sign this?”

Classmate #1: “Yes. Of course.”

Teacher: “Are you sure? This doesn’t look like her signature.”

Classmate #1: “No, I’m sure.”

Teacher: *to Classmate #2* “Is that really her mom’s signature? If you lie you’ll get an infraction.”

Classmate #2: “Wait, she signed it! I didn’t do anything! Give her the infraction!”

Classmate #1: “Her mom didn’t sign it, either. Why should I get blamed, too, if you won’t blame her?”

Classmate #2: “F*** you!”

(This is how you break a friendship. They both got infractions, and their moms weren’t too happy. Just put up with the bad grade. It isn’t worth it.)

Getting Shirty About The Shirt

, , , , , , , | Romantic | March 6, 2018

(My girlfriend and I are waiting in line to check out at a store. We’re in our late 30s, and while I’m into a lot of geeky things, she’s not. While in line, a rather attractive younger woman comes up behind us. She’s wearing librarian glasses, a [Popular Old Video Game] pendant necklace, and a t-shirt printed with one of those parody [Role-Playing Dungeon Game] alignment charts. I can’t help but notice and start to read her shirt, which means I’m staring directly at her chest. My girlfriend notices after a moment, grabs my sleeve, and gives me a nostril-flaring death stare.)

Me: *doesn’t get it at first* “What?” *gets it* “What? I was reading her shirt!”

Young Woman: *also doesn’t get it* “Oh, you like?” *pulls shirt out a bit making it easier to read*

Me: “Yeah, that’s really cool. Have a great day!”

(The girlfriend and I get through the register quickly, fortunately. Let’s say that her driving on the way home is a bit, um… aggressive. After she takes a turn that screeches the tires:)

Me: “I really was just reading her shirt. It was a [Role-Playing Dungeon Game] alignment chart, but with [Popular Space Movie] characters.”

Girlfriend: “Uh-huh.”

Me: “No, see, there’s this idea of a grid that your character can fall into, and that determines what you..”

Girlfriend: *cutting me off* “SHUT UP!”

Me: “But that’s–”

Girlfriend: *cutting me off again* “SHUT. THE. F***. UP. NOW!”

(After getting home, she shut herself in the bedroom. I have a feeling I’m sleeping on the couch tonight, all because I couldn’t not know that whole chart.)

Too Little, Way Too Late

, , , | Romantic | February 22, 2018

(After seven months, I completely fall out of love with my boyfriend, and I decide to break up with him. All of this happens in a fairly calm conversation, with a few tears here and there. There is one part I will never forget, though.)

Me: “A big problem for me was that you are always late. Always. Like, guaranteed, at least ten minutes late.”

Boyfriend: “You know I can’t help it.”

Me: “You know I used to have a problem with being late, and I told you how I fixed it.”

(We had numerous conversations about this.)

Boyfriend: “Yeah, I know; I remember. I never tried those methods, though. I was just hoping it would get better on its own.”

Me: *shocked*

(Three days later, he forwarded an email his mother sent him in response to our break-up. She said she couldn’t believe I had called him “unreliable” and she strongly disagreed. Yeah, that’ll make me take you back.)

Telling Her To Take A Hitchhike

, , , , | Friendly | February 15, 2018

(I’m driving from Ohio to California. It’s the middle of the day, on a long stretch of empty highway. I see a guy walking with a nice-looking suitcase, with his thumb out looking for a ride. I don’t normally take hitchhikers, but this guy is well-dressed, and I have a long way to go, so why not? I pull over and offer a ride, the guy thanks me and puts his stuff in the back, and we get going.)

Hitchhiker: “Hi, my name is [Hitchhiker].”

Me: “Hi, car break down?”

(The guy sighs and rubs his face.)

Hitchhiker: “No, it’s my anniversary with my girlfriend of four years, and we were going to stay at this B&B a few miles up the road.”

Me: “Sounds romantic.”

Hitchhiker: “Yeah, the place looked really nice.”

Me: “So, why aren’t you there now? Fight? “

Hitchhiker: “No… Not really. She insisted we take her car. We get there, the place is amazing. She goes to check us in and I get the bags. She comes out and leads me to our place, a little cabin off the main house. She opens the door and there is this guy there. I think we have the wrong room. Nope, turns out this is her new boyfriend. I just turned, walked out, and kept walking.”

Me: “Well, at least you got your clothes.”

Hitchhiker: *laughs* “Nah, my stuff isn’t worth much. I have her clothes. I want to see how cute the guy thinks she is when she doesn’t have 12 pounds of makeup on.”

(He laughed again. We talked the entire 150 miles to his home.)

Diving Into The Deep End Of Double Standards

, , , , , , | Romantic | December 2, 2017

(I’ve recently graduated and have returned to my old pool job to pay off some student debt. A lot of my coworkers are younger, and they sometimes like to gossip about office romance. I stay out of it, but this one time I have to step in. Note, both [Coworker #1] and I are female, while [Coworker #2] is male. At the time this takes place, no one is in the pool, so we are doing some cleaning jobs.)

Coworker #1: “I can’t believe [Coworker #3] already has a new girlfriend. He and [Coworker #4] only broke up last week. It seems to soon.”

Coworker #2: “Did you know that he was seeing [Coworker #5] on the side up until he met this new girl?”

Coworker #1: “What?”

Coworker #2: “Yeah, he does that a lot. It wouldn’t surprise me if he has someone new in week or two.”

Coworker #1: “How does he get all these girls? He treats them like crap.”

Coworker #2: “Hey, it’s not his fault. The girls make it too easy for him.”

(At this, both [Coworker #1] and I stop and look at him.)

Coworker #1: “What did you say?”

Coworker #2: “Well, it’s beyond his control. The girls are making it too easy for him to get dates and he can’t help himself. It’s not his fault really.”

Coworker #1: “Do you even realize what you’re saying?”

Coworker #2: “What? I’m just stating the facts—”

Me: *interrupting* “I’m sorry; are you really saying it’s the girls’ fault that he’s an a**hole?”

Coworker #2: “What?”

Me: “You’re saying that it’s the girls’ fault that [Coworker #3] treats them like crap.”

Coworker #2: “Oh, no, I was just saying that they are making it too easy for him.”

Me: “So, he’s exempt from blame and allowed to treat girls like trash because they give him a chance?”

Coworker #2: “Oh, no, I didn’t mean it like that.”

Me: “What did you mean, then? Especially when you said, ‘He can’t control himself; he can’t be at fault, really.’? Or even when you said, ‘The girls make it too easy for him.’?”

Coworker #2: “I just meant… I… uh…”

Coworker #1: “Dude, she’s got you there.”

([Coworker #2] got a good lesson on double standards that day.)

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