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She’s A Real Piece Of (Art)Work

, , , , | Working | September 22, 2021

I’m not a professional graphic designer, but I’m proficient with the tools of the time. A friend of a friend is running a charity, gathering teddy bears for children going through crisis or disaster. She wants some letterhead for fundraising, so I figure, hey, I’ll do it for the children. I offer my services at a discount.

About a week later, I send samples for approval. Mind you, I send nothing about fees, just artwork. In return, I get a nasty letter, asking who I am and where I get off taking advantage of a charity.

Charity: “We already have a logo, and anything you’d be asking for would take resources away from the children. How dare you?”

As if I was trolling for business, instead of her coming to me.

That was the end of our professional relationship. For the sake of the children, I hope things went well with the charity, and I hope the children only see her kind personality and not the evil twin.

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Art Is About Baring Your Soul

, , , , , , , | Learning | September 22, 2021

When I was a graduate student at university, I had a job as a teaching assistant for a Geology 101 lab. Basically, we worked with the students to identify rocks and work with geologic maps, and we had an introduction to looking at rocks through a microscope.

Every week in one particular lab, this very attractive coed would arrive just as the bell rang to start the lab. It was obvious she had run there to make it on time, so the TAs never gave her any grief. The strange thing was that she always wore a long raincoat.

This was in Seattle, so raincoats were a common sight, as were umbrellas. The thing was, she wore the raincoat even if it was sunny outside. One day, I approached her when she asked for help and suggested she might be more comfortable if she took off her raincoat.

She smiled at me.

Student: “I might be, but nobody else would be.”

I looked confused, so she whispered:

Student: “I am a life model in the art school, and I don’t have time to get dressed after working for a class. I’m naked under here.”

To say it was difficult to maintain my concentration in that lab following that disclosure would be an understatement.

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If You Stare Into The Black Void Too Long, Customers Come Out Of It

, , , , | Right | September 21, 2021

We have a table of men’s shirts in different colors at the front of the store. There are about forty or fifty different versions and colors on the table. I’m helping a man who loves the shirts and wants a few black ones.

Me: “These are the options we have for black.”

Customer: “That one’s not black.”

Me: *Looking at the shirt* “Yes, sir, it’s black.”

Customer: “No, it’s not black enough.”

Me: *Pulling out the tag* “Sir, this is the color code this store uses for black items. This is as black as it’s going to get.”

He puts his shirt up next to the one on the table.

Customer: “See? It’s not really black.”

Me: “Fabric dye saturates different fabrics at different levels. Just because they look slightly different it doesn’t mean they’re not both black.”

Customer: “Well, it’s just not black enough for me.

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The Final Piece Of The Da Vinci Code

, , , , | Right | September 1, 2021

One of the strangest things about working in a library is having to tell someone that, according to the reference sources available, their gold coin, china plate, oriental fan, etc. is just not valuable. At least today, we are able to pull up pictures of the item on the Internet (usually) and show the patron what experts say.

In the 1980s and early 1990s, this was not possible. We relied on various annual resources and, more importantly, a cache of names and phone numbers of antique dealers around the county.

This worked for some, but not for all.

A customer handed me a picture of the Mona Lisa.

Patron: “Can you assess its value?”

Me: “Sorry, sir, but one: I am not an expert on fine art; and two, what you have here is a box of Russell Stover chocolates.”

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His Face Must’ve Been So Ro-Joe

, , , , , , | Romantic | August 13, 2021

My mother-in-law is VERY into ceramics. Each year for Christmas, as a family tradition, she makes several ceramics ranging from Christmas ornaments to Santa and snowman statues and decor. It’s my first Christmas with my in-laws, and we are painting said ceramics. I finish mine, but my husband has not yet finished and we will have to come back so he can finish painting his Santa statue.

Husband: “I’m just gonna write the color I’m using on the bottom of my ceramic so I don’t forget which one it is when we come back.”

He picks up the bottle and reads the color.

Husband: “Red… rooj… ro-joe… That’s a weird color name!”

Me: “Babe… you do realize that’s just ‘red’ in three different languages, right? English, French, and Spanish? Red, rouge, and rojo.”

He still hasn’t lived it down to this day.

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