Sick To One’s Engine

, , , , , | Friendly | October 18, 2017

(I am moving six hours away from home for grad school. This involves packing up my one-bedroom apartment and moving my furniture two hours away to a relative’s house for storage, plus getting rid of my car. I talk to my sister, who amazingly offers to come down and help and get her friend to drive the moving truck, after I told her I wasn’t sure I could do it. She, her friend, and my nieces, ages two and four, drive down to help. My car gets picked up shortly after they arrive by a guy with a flatbed truck. My nieces sit on my porch, fascinated, and very concerned about where my car is going. I try to explain by saying I don’t need the car anymore and that it’s very old and run-down, but I can tell they don’t quite get it. For backstory, my sister’s friend is a mechanic and drives large diesel trucks for a living, and the girls know this. Hours later, after everything is unpacked and in storage, I am playing with my two-year-old niece in the backyard. An ambulance drives by with its sirens on. My niece stops to watch.)

Niece: “Fire truck!”

Me: “That’s an ambulance, honey. It’s taking someone who is hurt or sick to the hospital.”

Niece: “Auntie’s car! Hospital!”

Me: “Right, you saw my car get hauled away this morning.”

Niece: “Hospital. Sick.”

Me: “Uh…”

(At this point, my sister’s friend walks over to us, having heard the conversation.)

Friend: “[Nieces] were very worried about your car. They kept asking me where it went. Finally, I had to tell them that the guy took it to the hospital because it was sick, so I could fix it, just so they stopped asking me the same question over and over!”

Me: “Well, you’re not wrong, except I’d classify it as terminal!”

Comeback To That Comeback

, , , , , , | Related | October 17, 2017

(I don’t catch the first part of this conversation, but the gist of it is: My brother-in-law makes a comment to my niece, she makes a comeback, and is told off for it with this parenting gem.)

Sister: “I don’t care if you’re insulting, just so long as you’re witty! Now, something that might have made a better comeback..” *whispers into [Niece]’s ear*

Niece: “Okay. Daddy, can you say it again?”

Brother-In-Law: “[Niece], I have a bag here; I’d like you to put your attitude into it.”

Niece: “Silly Daddy, my attitude wouldn’t be able to fit.”

Childhood Gone In A Puff Of Smoke

, , , , , , , , | Related | October 15, 2017

(My sister and her family are currently living with us, which results in some hilarious moments when her toddlers, ages two and four, get into things. This happens with the two-year-old. She always brings us our things when she finds them, from phones to shoes.)

Sister: “Yeah, [Sister’s Husband] was just saying– does [Two-Year-Old] have your vape?!”

Mom: “What?!”

(They both run to the living room as I’m bent over, talking to my other niece.)

Me: “[Four-Year-Old], do you want to play Barbies?”

Four-Year-Old: “[Two-Year-Old] got Nana’s vape!”

Mom: “She just hit the button; don’t worry.”

Sister: “No, Mom, she blew smoke out of her d*** mouth! [Two-Year-Old]!”

Mom: *laughing* “What the f***?! She normally brings it to us!”

(By this time, I’m in the living room, doubled over laughing. The two-year-old, who long ago decided I’m her favorite person, waddles up to me.)

Two-Year-Old: “[My Name], more!”

Me: “You want more of Nana’s vape?”

Two-Year-Old: “Yeah!” *claps and hops*

Sister: “H***, no! [Sister’s Husband]! [Two-Year-Old] just sucked Mom’s f****** vape!”

(None of us have any idea how my niece managed to successfully work the vape, but she was unharmed, and this will definitely be a story to tell for years!)

A Crafty Way To Make Money

, , , , , , , | Friendly | October 15, 2017

(I have taken my nieces and nephews out shopping while babysitting. I go to a friend’s business where she has a cafe. It’s a very safe environment; the whole place is only three rooms, and I know most of the people there. There’s a woman that I know there on this day, and she’s got some items set up on one of the tables in the cafe. I leave the kids eating while I go to the second room to pay for our meals, and when I come back I find this woman has approached them. They are all out of their chairs, ready to follow her.)

Woman: “Oh, hi, [My Name]! I was just asking the kids if they want to do some crafts with me!”

(She talks to them, getting them excited about doing the crafts. I’m hesitant about letting them, as we have to leave very soon to get home in time for their father to pick them up, but the kids are so excited about it and I don’t want to let them down.)

Me: “Okay, just something real quick; we have to leave in ten minutes.”

(I finish my meal and then tell them we have to leave.)

Woman: “Okay, [My Name], that’s four children at $15 each.”

Me: “What? You never said anything about payment to begin with.”

(My friend who owns the business always runs free crafts for children during school vacation time, and I have donated craft things myself.)

Woman: “Oh, didn’t I? You can give a donation if you want; whatever you think is fair.”

Me: “All I’ve got is $10.”

Woman: “Okay, that will do as a donation.” *turns to kids* “Okay, pack up your stuff now.”

(The only thing they have done is draw on a piece of paper. She turns back to me.)

Woman: “You can bring the rest to me next week.”

Me: “That $10 was all I could afford; I’m sorry.”

(As we left, I saw her at another table inviting more children to do crafts with her. They were the children of staff members, including the owner’s son. I mentioned what happened to the owner, who told me I wasn’t the only one to make a complaint about her approaching children and then trying to make the parents pay.)

Haven’t Got A Dog’s Chance

, , , , , , | Related | October 9, 2017

(I have a dachshund who weighs about 11 pounds, full grown. Many people feel that it was okay to pick him up. He is a very sweet dog, and at this point has never snapped at anyone, but as he’s aged he has started to growl a bit when children try to carry him. I also have a niece, twelve years old at the time, who has always been a bit of a brat and a bully. This occurs as my six-year-old nephew is reaching for my dog.)

Me: “[Nephew], that isn’t a good idea. [Dog] is a grumpy old man now and doesn’t like to be picked up.”

Nephew: “Does he bite?”

Me: “He hasn’t yet, but I’d rather not risk it. Why not just pet him gently instead? He likes that.”

(My niece, who heard the entire thing, decides then to step in.)

Niece: “Oh, please. He won’t bite; just watch.”

Me: “[Niece], don’t!”

(Before I can stop her, my niece grabs up my dog and cradles him in her arms on his back like a baby, sticking her face close to his. She begins to baby-talk to him, only to be met with a fierce snarl and a quick nip to the nose. He doesn’t break any skin, but she shrieks and almost drops him before I can take him from her.)

Niece: “What?! He bit me! Stupid dog!”

Me: “You should have listened.”

(My nephew begins to pet my dog, who responds by licking his fingers.)

Nephew: “You’re the only stupid dog here, [Niece].”

(My niece stormed off to tell her parents, who informed her that she shouldn’t have ignored what I said. She never messed with my dog again, and my dog never bit at anyone after that. He actually became quite fond of my nephew, who always made certain to be gentle with him.)

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