When Push Comes To Shove…

, , , , , | Related | August 5, 2020

I am a thirty-year-old man and my sister, her son, and I are visiting our parents’ house. My nephew is seven years old and loves me but he also tends to see me more of a playmate than as an authority figure.

I am talking with my mother and sister and my nephew keeps swatting my side and trying to shove me repeatedly. I tell him to stop between sentences as I talk to the other adults; however, he persists.

Finally, I’m getting fed up, so I lightly shove him back. It’s not a hard shove, but he does have to step backward and regain his balance.

Me: “How do you like it?”

My mother and sister are giving me “WTF” looks.

Me: “What? He started it.”

My mother and sister laugh incredulously.

Mom: “How old are you?!”

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Enunciation Is SO Important

, , , , , | Friendly | June 25, 2020

I’m at a large car boot sale with my family — think a market but it’s the general public that sells things they don’t want anymore, typically out the boot of their car. With us is my sister and her one- or two-year-old daughter who’s rather non-vocal. We are white. We’re not walking together and I’ve stopped at a black family’s stall to browse what they’ve got.

Niece: *Very loud and enthusiastic* “[Really derogatory term for black people]!”

I freeze and the black family freezes. People around us freeze.

Niece: *Just as loud and enthusiastic* “[Really derogatory term for black people]!”

I look over and my niece is pointing over at me and the black family. My sister has a look of horror and “Oh, f***, where did she learn that?!” on her face, which I imagine I do, too, and neither of us knows what to do.

My niece continues to be super happy and oblivious in the way only toddlers can manage.

Niece: “Hi, Aunty [really derogatory term for black people]!”

Realisation dawns.

Sister: “Do… Are you calling over to Aunty [My Name]?”

Niece: “Yeah, look, it’s Aunty [really derogatory term for black people]!”

I apologised to the black family, who thought it was hysterical, and I stayed with my sister and niece so as not to have a repeat. We later worked on the pronunciation of my name.

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Parenting May Make You Cry

, , , , , | Related | May 18, 2020

My niece takes a class in high school where you’re given a robotic baby that cries and records when you feed it, change it, turn it off, or whatever. For the most part, the baby is really easy. On the last night, however…

It’s around two in the morning. My mom and I are both night owls, so we go to the kitchen for a snack. My niece is still awake, and it’s a school night… and the robot baby has been crying for hours.

Niece: “This isn’t like a real baby! Real babies go to sleep!”

My mom and I start laughing.

Me: “You’ve never heard of colic?!”

Mom: “Your father didn’t stop crying or sleep through the night for two years! And I had to take your brother twice a week so your mom could get some sleep since he was making her sick with exhaustion!”

Four years later, my niece got married and had a baby. The baby is a year old and still hasn’t slept through the night. I guess real babies don’t stop crying, either!

He doesn’t cry all day and is super adorable. He just doesn’t sleep through the night.

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Aragog Makes An Unexpected Comeback

, , , , , , | Related | May 1, 2020

My oldest niece is in high school and a bunch of her friends are making fun of her because she has never read the “Harry Potter” books, only seen the movies. I have all of the books in hardback and she asks if she can borrow them and then let her little sister read them next. I say sure, lending them out one at a time.

She gets halfway through the third book when we hear a blood-curdling scream. I go running to her.

Me: “What’s wrong?!”

Oldest Niece: “There’s a huge spider squished in between the pages of this book!”

I started laughing and finally remembered I had been in bed reading when this spider came down in between my nose and the book. I am both scared to death of spiders and allergic to them, so I slammed the book closed on it and then forgot… for a few years.

The best part is, my niece didn’t clean the spider off and when my younger niece got to that same page a week later, there was another blood-curdling scream.

This story was featured in our May 2020 roundup!

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Right, Sleeping, Sure

, , , , | Related | April 13, 2020

This happened when my friend and I were thirteen. We went camping at the beach with my entire family. But being thirteen, we were teenagers! At least in our minds.

We brought a tent for us to share away from the family. The last full day that we were there, my friend and I went out into the ocean all day, so when we came back that night we were exhausted. 

My niece, who was six, asked if she could sleep in the tent with my friend and me, wanting to sleep with the big girls. We said sure and put her sleeping bag in between ours and we all went to sleep.

My niece, even to this day, is an active sleeper, meaning she moves around all the time in her sleep. But we were so tired that we didn’t even notice that she threw her arms wide and hit my friend and me in the face. We only found out the next morning when my friend had a black eye and I had a busted lip… and my niece was perfectly fine.

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