Romanti-cooties: You Heard Of Them Here First

, , , , | Related | March 9, 2018

(At a wedding reception, I am seated next to my niece. She is telling me about the dangers of cooties from boys.)

Me: “But Uncle [My Husband] told me that girls are the ones with cooties!”

Niece: “Girls have cooties, too, but boy cooties and girl cooties don’t mix. That’s why boys and girls can’t kiss.”

Me: “What about me and Uncle [My Husband]? We kiss.”

(My niece sits in thought for a few moments before replying.)

Niece: “Well, that’s okay, because when you get married your cooties become romanti-cooties and they get along.”

Nana Nono

, , , , , , | Related | March 7, 2018

(My nieces call my mother “Nana.” They also love the movie “Sing,” which has a character named Nana. This usually prompts us to say the character’s full name, but once I forget, and this happens.)

Me: “Do you like Nana?”

Niece: “Yeah.”

Me: *to niece as we hear the garage door open* “Nana’s home!”

Niece: *points at iPad, where she’s watching ‘Sing’* “Nana here.”

Me: “No, Nana, not Nana Noodleman!”

Niece: *forcefully* “Nana HERE!”

(Since then, I’m careful to call the character Nana Noodleman at all times.)

Stephanie King

, , , , , | Related | March 5, 2018

(My six-year-old niece tells the best stories. My sister-in-law tries to warn me to walk away anytime [Niece] starts a story with, “My body,” but I love her stories.)

Niece: “My body is full of worms. There are worms in my throat and they fill up with blood and I can’t breathe. Then the blood drains out and I’m okay.”

(Another time:)

Niece: “My body is falling apart. My bones are too sharp and they cut my flesh.”

Sister-In-Law: “I think [Niece] needs therapy.”

Me: “What she needs is a dark room and a typewriter! She’ll be the next big horror author!”

What A Total Jerk(y)

, , , , , , | Related | March 5, 2018

(My husband built a smokehouse that’s large enough to hang a hog. We’re not kid-people and it’s no secret, but my nieces are awesome. Still, my hubby teases them. He is teasing my niece about putting her in the smoker. She runs over to where my brother and I are talking.)

Niece: “Daddy, Uncle [Husband] says he’s going to put me in the smoker and make me into jerky. If he did that, I bet you’d put him in the smoker… Wouldn’t you?”

Brother: “No.”

Niece: “No?! Why not?!”

Brother: “I’d be too busy eating jerky.”

Had It Tickled Into Her

, , , , | Related | February 27, 2018

(I am babysitting my two-year-old niece. There has been an incident in the news where a child was touched inappropriately, and it has affected me more than I expected. I watch my niece, as she plays with her toys.)

Me: “You know, [Niece], if someone touches you and you don’t want it, just say, ‘Stop it,’ and they have to listen to you.”

(My niece doesn’t really respond and continues playing. I figure she is too young, and I am once again being an overprotective aunt. A few hours later, my parents come home — my niece’s grandparents. After dinner, my dad decides to play with my niece.)

Grandfather: “Tickle, tickle, tickle!”

(My niece doesn’t respond, so grandfather continues. Suddenly:)

Niece: “Stop it!”

Grandfather: “Tickle, tickle, tickle!”

Niece: “Stop it!”

Grandfather: “Oh? Can’t I tickle you anymore?”

Niece: “No.”

Grandfather: “All right. Then, what should I do?”

Niece: *in a tone where you can just hear her mother speak through her: low and articulating quite well* “List-en!”

(My father was baffled, while my mother and I couldn’t stop laughing. My niece can’t remember how she taught my father a valuable lesson, but we three do!)

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