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The Paparazzi Are Everywhere

, , , , , , , | Related | May 19, 2025

I used to do a bit of community theatre in my small town. My nephew was hanging out with nothing to do all summer, so I got him involved volunteering backstage and doing odd jobs around the theatre.

We were in the drive-thru getting burgers one night after a performance of a musical I was in, and he was good-naturedly giving me the business, talking about how I have a big head.

Nephew: “You just think you’re like a local celebrity or something just because you do plays and stuff.”

I pulled up to the pickup window.

Takeout Worker: “Here’s your food. Wait, are you in [Play] they’re doing at [Theater]? I saw that last weekend. You were so good in it!”

Me: “Thank you so much. It’s embarrassing to be recognized!”

I grabbed the food, turned my head to my nephew, and just smiled as I pulled out of the drive-thru.

The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far From The Tree… And It’s On Fire

, , , , , , , , | Related | May 17, 2025

Many years back, my brother and his wife bought property that had an aging apple orchard. The plan was to remove the trees and put in a vineyard. We all came down to help. 

On burning day, we each had a fire pile we were to keep tabs on. I was watching my pile, and a large branch, on fire, rolled down and away from the pile. I grabbed the end that wasn’t burning and went to throw it back on the pile. I guess I went in a little too close and singed my hair around my face. I didn’t notice at the time.

Lunchtime came, and my niece saw my hair.

Niece: “Oh! Aunty! Your hair!”

Everyone had a good laugh.

The next work day included some fir tree trimming. I ended up with a bunch of sap stuck in my hair. My brother looked at me and said:

Brother: “Well, that should burn right out!”

A Shocking Amount Of Wisdom In That

, , , , , | Related | March 18, 2025

When my niece was around three, I was in the car with her and her parents.

Me: “[Niece], do you want a baby sister?”

Niece:No.

Me: “What about a baby brother?”

Niece:No.”

Me: “So, you don’t want to be a big sister?”

Niece: *Dramatic sigh* “I just want to be myself.”

The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far From The, Uh… Dispensary?

, , , , , , , | Related | February 20, 2025

I’m at my sister’s house. She has three kids, all under ten. I’m in the kitchen, and she yells from another room.

Sister: “Hey, get out some chocolate for the kids.”

I open the cupboard to find two large bars of chocolate, but one of them looks a bit… suspect.

Me: “Hey, Sis, is this one homemade?”

Sister: *Walking into the room* “Oh, I was looking for that! That’s the ‘special’ chocolate.”

I give it a sniff.

Me: “This is weed chocolate.”

Sister: “Yup! Want some to take home? It’s really good!”

Me: “Why do you keep this next to the kids’ chocolate?”

Sister: “I usually don’t, but I lost track of it over the weekend. Thanks for finding it.”

Me: “Maybe put it somewhere else? What if the kids got to it?”

We both look over at her three boys, who are in the middle of a contest of who can draw the most realistic-looking poop using the brown crayons.

Sister: “Like we’d notice…”

For the record, the chocolates (all kinds) are kept high up out of their reach, and she only partakes when she’s not responsible for the kids.

Just Catching Up With The Soprano Family

, , , , , , , , | Related | December 17, 2024

A relative recently passed away. Our fairly large family gathered for the funeral, as well as a lot of family friends, neighbours, ex-colleagues, etc. The deceased was a very well-liked man.

This meant that a lot of people there didn’t know each other.

At the wake, I was sitting at a table with several old friends of the deceased, most of whom hadn’t met a lot of our family before, making small talk. My mother and niece walked by, chatting about how the funeral planning went. My mother did a lot of the work, and she called on my niece at the last minute to help her put together a slide show of photographs to be shown during the service.

Mum: “I’m so glad you could help, [Niece]. Sorry it was so last minute. What were you doing when I called? You sounded busy.”

Niece: “I was in the middle of a murder.”

Mum: “I got you while you were doing a murder? Oh, no. I’m sorry, flower!”

They walked away, continuing their conversation. I looked around the table to see awkward, weirded-out looks on the faces of those with me.

Me: “[Niece] is a detective sergeant. She was doing the murder investigation.”

People At The Table: “Oh!”

Relief all around.