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From “Aw, Rats” To “Aw, S***”

, , , , , , | Right | May 15, 2023

I’m getting my car looked at, and I overhear a worker on the phone with some apparently dirty guy.

Worker: “I’m sorry, but we cannot go into your car.” *Pauses* “Because it’s a health hazard. There are rat droppings and feces everywhere in the seats, under the hood…” *Pauses* “I’m not lying! Come to us and you’ll see!” *Pauses, and then responds very angrily* “No, we won’t! I’m not kidding. There are piles of it! Come to us and I will show you!” *Hangs up*

I was shocked. Yuck! Was it just hanging around in a junkyard?!

Good Thing Being A Bad Coworker Isn’t Contagious

, , , , , , , , , , , | Working | May 15, 2023

In early 2021, [contagious illness] was in the midst of ravaging the world, and the vaccine, though in existence, was not widely available yet anywhere. It was also during then that the virus was thought to reside in a dormant state for days on everything an infected person touched.

Our front receptionist had recently moved to another state, so we needed a new one. After a short hiring process, we got someone, a young woman. During the interview, she had shown a negative [illness] test. (A positive one would not disqualify someone; if they WERE the best candidate, we’d wait two weeks and bring them in. Various other people could fill in the receptionist duties in the meantime. It was more stressful than normal, but we could go for two weeks.) She would immediately begin on Monday, and people would train her on what to do and how things worked in this office.

[New Hire] had a quiet and reserved demeanor, so nobody who shadowed her, teaching her how to do things, thought much of her when she would seem to have problems understanding concepts. It would take upwards of an hour for her to pick up any concepts, so training sessions would take an entire half of a day per person. She would also request to go into their offices to ask questions.

I was not one of the people who trained [New Hire], however, as my work was entirely different from hers, though my workspace was about fifteen feet (about four and a half meters) away from her and was the closest one, and we both shared the same large open-plan room.

Once she was finished with her training, which took about three days, she turned on the radio in this room. Ordinarily, it’s on a top-forty station, but she changed it to a talk radio station that was, for a lack of a better word, extremist. The hosts were racist, xenophobic, sexist, homophobic, reactionary, and full of conspiracy theories. As the January 6th riots were very recent, they had much to say about them that I will only say was making my blood boil.

Though I believe everyone has a right to their opinion and to share it peacefully, the more I had to hear that talk radio, the more maddening it was. But I figured that if this was what [New Hire] genuinely believed, I was not going to prevent her from hearing it, so I bore with it, especially since she didn’t come across as violent. Other people walking by would change the radio back to the top-forty station, but after they left, she would change it back to the talk radio station.

Every now and then, everyone in the office would go and take a test for [illness]. For the most part, either nobody would test positive, or only one or two would, and they’d stay home for two weeks. This time, on Friday, about half the office tested positive. [New Hire], meanwhile, reported back that her test was “inconclusive”, but she wouldn’t show the results.

The owner felt suspicious about this, and he coaxed [New Hire] into showing the real, unaltered results, showing she was positive. He confronted her about it online and asked why she lied about her test results twice. When she couldn’t provide any good answer, she was fired immediately. Contact tracing officials determined that she was the source of the outbreak in the office, and it made sense; everyone who caught it either worked with her directly, touched things she touched (like the radio), or stayed in close proximity to someone who had caught it for an extended amount of time.

I was spared; my test came up negative, which I presume is because I never interacted with her besides talking to her from across the room, nor did I touch anything she did. However, because so much of the office staff tested positive, they had to quarantine for two weeks, so the following two weeks were the toughest stretch I had ever worked in that office due to being so insanely short-staffed.

Meanwhile, we discovered that while [New Hire] packed up her own valuables when she was fired, she left other various things behind, lying out in the open: a half-empty bottle of water, an unopened packet of peanut butter cups, a somewhat-used bottle of perfume, a box of tea bags, and a few other items that wouldn’t be missed. I was told to put it all in a box for her to claim if she wanted, though I was supposed to wait a week to minimize the risk of getting infected by touching her belongings. For the following few weeks, I repeatedly tried to contact her and let her know that we’d boxed up her belongings and that she could claim them, but she never responded, nor did she show up. After two months, we disposed of them.

In hindsight, a lot of the other people around the office and I believe that, as an asymptomatic carrier, she had tried to deliberately spread [illness] around the office. She acted to maximize her time close to other people, she attempted to bait me into touching things she touched, she likely spoke softly and quietly to get people to come closer to her so she could hear her, and once she had to leave, she left a bunch of her things behind that she wouldn’t claim as one last attempt to infect somebody — either me, someone who had to pick up her things, or the next receptionist.

I would really like to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she was a slow learner and was influenced by other figures in her life in certain ways, but I have a hard time believing any of that. But I really hope that was the case, as the alternative — to spread [illness] around deliberately and maliciously — boggles the mind.

Better Than Shopping In Your Sleep!

, , , , , , , | Romantic | May 15, 2023

My boyfriend and I have a membership to one of those warehouse stores. You know, the type where you can get a three-pack of family-sized cereal, a 200-count box of frozen treats, five-gallon jugs of sauce, and a few shirts all in one trip.

A couple of things we enjoy are part of their monthly round of sales, and because I work literally two blocks away, I offer to just pick them up. [Boyfriend] says no, he’s been dealing with medical stuff and needs to get out of the house more, so we’ll take a trip over together. The problem is that every night I ask, he’s too tired from his own job. This is understandable because he’s at work roughly the time in the morning that my own alarm clock is going off. The weekend comes, and he just wants to recharge. The next week, the cycle starts over; he wants to go but “not tonight/today.”

Finally, one night, I call him up as I’m getting out of work.

Me: “I’m going over to [Store] and picking up the couple of things we wanted. Was there anything new?”

Boyfriend: “What? No, I said I wanted to go with you.”

Me: “Yeah, that was three weeks ago; the sale is ending today.”

Boyfriend: “Mmm… Maybe we can go.”

Me: “You sure? ‘Cause you sound like you’re half-asleep.”

Boyfriend: “Maybe…?”

Me: “Did you lay down in bed when you got home?”

Boyfriend: “I think so, but that was only a minute ago.”

Me: “Babe, you get home at 3:30. It’s 5:45 right now.”

Boyfriend: “What?” *Noises of him moving around in bed* “Oh. Can we go tomorrow?”

Me: “Honey, the sale’s ending today. I’m just going to go pick the things up. Tell you what, once I’m there and I have stuff, I’ll call back when you’re more awake.”

Boyfriend: “Okay, hon, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Me: “I’ll talk to you soon.”

I hang up and shake my head. Yes, he sounds extremely out of it, but after a few years together, I know the difference between “just woke up” out of it and “there’s something wrong” out of it. Sure enough, about fifteen minutes later, I’m in the store, I have already picked up two of the things I am looking for, and I am just wading through the sea of humanity to get to the third when my phone rings.

Me: “Hey, babe!”

Boyfriend: “Hey! What’s wrong?!”

Me: “Nnnnothing? I mean, it’s busy, but nothing unusual.”

Boyfriend: “Why didn’t you call me?”

Me: “I did? I said I was going to [Store].”

Boyfriend: “No, you didn’t. I just woke up to go to the bathroom and saw the time!”

Me: “Hun, check the call logs. I don’t think you actually woke fully up before.”

He takes a second and does so. In the meantime, I’ve gotten the last product and am moving out to the back side of the aisle so I have some room.

Boyfriend: “Oh… You did. Why didn’t I answer?”

Me: “You did, babe. You sounded like you were on some pretty heavy drugs.”

Boyfriend: “I mean, I kind of am!”

Me: “Fair point. I’ve got the shrimp, the chicken, the sauce, and some neat samosa thingies they had out to try. Anything else we need?”

Boyfriend: “Can you see if they’ve got that caramel popcorn stuff?”

Good news: they had the caramel popcorn stuff.

And when I got home and talked to [Boyfriend], he agreed to set an alarm for a bit before I leave work, at least until he’s feeling better and not so lethargic.

A Kicking Class In Consent For A Curious Kiddo

, , , , , , | Right | May 12, 2023

I’m at my nanny job, and I’m very pregnant with my daughter. The kids I watch have just gotten out of school, and one has invited a friend over to visit — a boy who’s been over to play before and is generally very polite. He notices that I’m very obviously showing and reaches out his hand.

Boy: “Oh, the baby’s right there, huh? I’m going to feel for a kick!”

Me: “No, you’re not.”

He stops, hand frozen in mid-air inches from touching me.

Boy: “Why not?”

Me: “Because you don’t touch people without permission.”

Boy: “Oh, right. Well, can I?”

Me: “No. I’m not comfortable with that in general, and I’m also pretty sore from round ligament pain. But she does kick a lot, and it’s easy to see even through my clothes. When she starts up, I’ll tell you and you can watch.”

Boy: “That would be cool to see!”

My daughter did indeed start kicking a bit later, and both the boy and the kids I nanny got to see. The boy was happy he got to watch, and hopefully, he learned a little something, too!

When Their Brain Is Dead Weight

, , , , | Right | May 12, 2023

Customer: “I need something to make me lose fifteen pounds in a week for a wedding.”

Me: “Well, that’s tough, even with diet and exercise—”

Customer: “I don’t do exercise.”

Me: *Trying to be nice* “Well, that’s not possible, but we do sell natural diuretics that might help you lose some water weight.”

Customer: “Can I eat whatever I want while on the supplement?”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t think we can help you lose fifteen pounds in a week.” 

Customer: “You’re supposed to be a health store!”

Me: “And what you’re trying to do is not healthy!”