The Mummy Of All Bad Jokes

, , , , , , | Healthy Right Working | February 11, 2019

(I am answering the phone at an OBGYN office when a woman calls to make an appointment.)

Me: “[Office], how can I help you?”

Woman: *sounding a little nervous but also very excited* “Ah, well, I need an appointment. It’s the strangest thing; I went sightseeing a few months ago, to see the pyramids. I thought I got food poisoning or indigestion from eating things I wasn’t used to. But it’s lasted for a few months, and this morning I glanced in the mirror and thought I looked a little heavier.”

(I can see where this might be heading, and am almost giddy because I can’t believe the fantastic joke opportunity I’m about to have.)

Woman: *continuing* “—so I took a pregnancy test. I think I’m three months pregnant!”

Me: *cheering internally* “Well, ma’am, it sounds like did get sick on your trip.”

Woman: “Oh?”

Me: *holding back laughter* “You caught the Egyptian flu. You’re going to be a mummy!”

Woman: *laughs*

Me: “And congratulations. Let’s figure out your due date and get in your with one of our doctors.”

(As soon as I was done with work, I called my parents to tell them; they were also very amused.)

Stuck Under The Cart

, , , , , , | Right | January 20, 2019

I’m cashiering at a big chain store, and a mother and her two kids come through my lane. The little girl is calmly sitting in the cart, while her older brother is climbing under the cart, despite his mom telling him to stop.

We have stickers at the registers to hand out to kids, so I ask if anyone wants one. I hand one to the little girl, and the boy climbs out from under the cart to grab one. I try to make the mom’s life easier and tell him, “This means you can’t go back under the cart, all right?”

At first, my ploy seems to work… until the boy puts the sticker back on my counter and climbs back under the cart.

At least he gave the sticker back?

I’m Currently Paying Zero; Can You Do Better?

, , , , , | Working | January 3, 2019

(This is an actual conversation I had on the phone.)

Me: “Hello?”

Representative: “Hello. I’d like to help you save money on your car insurance! Is this a good time to talk?”

Me: “I don’t own a car; please take me off of your list.”

Representative: “But I can save you a lot of money on your insurance.”

Me: “No, you didn’t listen. I don’t own a car; therefore. I don’t have or need car insurance. Please take me off of your list.”

Representative: “But I can save you a lot of money.”

(We repeat this whole thing way too many times. Finally. I am furious.)

Me: “LISTEN TO ME! I have a medical condition that makes it impossible for me to drive a car. That means that I do not own a car. That further means that I do not have or need car insurance. Do not call me again!”

(I hung up. Literally one minute later they called back! Luckily, it was a different rep who actually listened.)

 

Getting Into The Holiday Spirit Is A Steal!

, , , , , | Right | December 25, 2018

(I have just clocked on for my closing shift. As my shift-lead-in-training and the manager teaching him are working on cleaning behind some of our food units, I am helping them. At the same time, this means I do not notice the woman who has just entered the building. However, my shift-lead-in-training does and alerts to me it.)

Shift Lead: “Hey [My Name], there is a woman at the register.”

Me: *quickly notes the woman in question, who is now walking away with an empty soda cup* “Ma’am?”

(She moves over to the soda machine, fills up her cup, and then takes her time with the lid. All of this is very normal, so I am content to wait at the register for her to come back over, as is custom. In the time I help two more people out, I watch her as she paces about slightly, adjusts her jeans, and never once looked back behind her. Normally, I would be watching someone by this point, anyway, as we tend to get a lot of odd ones, given we’re in the middle of downtown Seattle. Suddenly this woman starts to make her way towards the door.)

Me: *louder* “Ma’am! I can ring that up for you.”

Woman: *stops, turns slowly and looks at me*

Me: *smiles*

Woman: “Why are you trying to STOP ME?” *raising her voice and taking large steps closer to me with every word* “I am POOR. It’s almost Christmas. LET. ME. HAVE. THIS.”

(My shop is normally very giving; we understand people have hard times. But all we ask is that people are honest and upfront with us about it; that way we can work something out with them. But this woman does none of that; she outright attempts to steal from us.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I can’t do that.”

Woman: *narrows her eyes at me and glares*

Me: “Ma’am, I am only doing my job, and I have to ring you up for that soda. I don’t have the power to just let you walk out of here with that cup.”

(She keeps glaring at me. Knowing she won’t listen to me, I know there is only one option left, since I’m “low” on the chain of command.)

Me: “Let me see what my manager says.”

(I turn and walk a few steps back and explain to my shift lead that she just tried to walk out of here without paying. Having heard and seen the situation, he realizes it’s not worth trying to make the woman pay the $2.25 she would owe us, so I’m given the okay to let her go. The entire time, the woman has been very nasty and rude with me, I might add.)

Me: *walks back* “He said you’re good to go.” *returns to my register to help someone*

Woman: *overly cheerful voice that makes it seem like I’ve been nothing but a bully* “Oh, THANK YOU, KIND SIR! Thank you so much! Merry Christmas to you!”

(Later when I explained the entire ordeal to my general manager and then coworkers, they just sort of shook their heads and told me if she came back they would have security escort her out. Happy holidays, I guess?)

A Gross Statement Of Gender Disparity

, , , , | Right | December 10, 2018

(I work in maintenance. I’m cleaning a spill as this occurs.)

Customer: “Oh, honey, I’m sorry.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “You’re cleaning a gross mess.”

Me: “Well, yes. I’m maintenance.”

Customer: “But you’re a lady. Ladies shouldn’t clean gross messes unless it’s for their kids. They should get a man to do your job.”

Me: *speechless until she left*

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