Make Sure No Tomatoes Are Squished, Or You Answer To Big Boss Sis

, , , , , | Right | October 12, 2018

(A guest walks up to my lane with nothing but a produce bag filled as full as possible with tomatoes. My store is strange in that we sell produce by quantity, not weight.)

Me: “Hello! Do you happen to know how many tomatoes you have here?”

Customer: *shrugs* “Don’t speak good English.”

Me: “All right. One moment.”

(As I begin counting the tomatoes, the customer speaks to me in a combination of Russian and broken English. I can only make out one phrase repeated multiple times.)

Customer: “Sister big boss.”

Me: “So, twenty-one tomatoes. Your total is [price].”

(I soon found out he was a regular, always getting a bag filled to the brim with produce — usually tomatoes, but occasionally bananas — and always talking about his big boss sister.)

Physician: Impregnate Thyself

, , , , , , | Related | October 4, 2018

My newly-pregnant sister-in-law and my grandfather are both doctors. Over lunch, they were discussing the stereotype of doctors making the worst patients. They both admitted they’re bad at making appointments for yearly check-ups and the like.

My brother spoke up, pointing to my sister-in-law’s baby bump, “Yeah, look what I had to do to get her to see a doctor!”

What Is His Plan With That Harp String?

, , , , , | Right | September 29, 2018

(I am a woman, and I have long, red hair. A dirty, bedraggled customer, carrying an autoharp in a case that looks to consist entirely of duct tape, approaches me.)

Customer: “Hello. I need a string.”

Me: “Sure! No problem. Which one?”

Customer: *puts autoharp on counter, points out string*

Me: “Great!” *gets string* “Here you are!”

Customer: *as I’m ringing him up* “You have beautiful hair. I’d love to put your head on a pike and carry it around with me.”

Me: *so shocked I can’t think of a single thing to say* “Your total is [total].”

Customer: “It would just be so pretty.”

Me: *finally thinking* “Yeah, I definitely prefer my head attached to my body. Have a nice day.”

Their Behavior Is A Mixed Bag

, , , , , , , | Working | September 26, 2018

(I’m at the checkout at my local grocery store. I’m female, and although I’m in my mid-twenties, I often get mistaken for being high-school-aged. The cashier, a man about my age, has been very polite and professional. I’ve been bagging my own groceries up to this point when another employee, a man in his 40s or 50s, comes over to help with bagging.)

Bagger: *starts taking items OUT of my reusable bags* “Oh, no. I can do much better than this. You put way too much in this bag.”

Me: “Oh, well, I’m actually taking the bus home today, so I am trying to fit everything into as few bags as possible, please.”

Bagger: *not listening, keeps unpacking and rearranging my items angrily* “You have to put these heavy frozen items in a different bag!”

Me: “Sorry, but I was putting them in this bag because it’s insulated, and since it’s so hot outside today I really don’t want them to melt while I’m on the bus.”

(I try to reach around him to put some chocolate into the insulated bag.)

Bagger: “No! Why would you put chocolate there?! These things are cold! Chocolate is warm! Don’t mix warm and cold things!”

Me: “But it’s so hot outside, it will melt unless I put it with the cold things…”

Bagger: “What are you saying? You don’t know what you’re doing. I will fix this for you!”

Me: *getting exasperated* “Please! I’m going home on the bus…”

(The cashier has been watching this whole time, looking at the bagger with increasing bewilderment. Finally, he speaks to the bagger, calmly and casually.)

Cashier: “Hey, man, I think she’s taking the bus. She just wants to put the cold stuff together and keep the chocolate from melting.”

Bagger: “Oh, okay.”

(Finally, he bags everything the way I have been asking, and then wanders off without another word.)

Cashier: “I’m so sorry about that!”

Me: “Thanks. I just hope I catch my bus!”

(I paid and ran out, making it to the bus stop just in time. I’m grateful that the cashier was on my side, but it was so frustrating that the bagger would not hear anything I said until the cashier repeated it! Thankfully, none of my groceries melted on the way home.)

The Bread Bag Paradox

, , , , , | Right | September 11, 2018

(A customer walks up to my lane with a reusable bag. She’s purchasing several canned items and a loaf of bread. I start ringing her up.)

Me: “So, a layer of cans on the bottom, and I’ll put the bread on top?”

Customer: “No, thank you.”

Me: “So, I’ll bag the bread separately?”

Customer: “No, they can all go in one bag.”

Me: “…?”

(I just bagged her items as I initially said.)

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