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It’s A Pizza Evidence

, , , , , , | Right | October 11, 2021

I’m trying to clean out my closet and am going around the block to whatever secondhand shops are buying, and when none of it sells, I donate the rest to the thrift stores. One of the secondhand shops has a bulldog that pops in on occasion.

I’m sitting in the back waiting to be seen by the cashier and the dog is curled up by my feet. A man walks in with a pizza. He immediately dumps the box on the floor and starts feeding it to the dog.

Customer: “Here, take this. Eat this.”

I’m wondering whether I should step in when one of the staff walks into the back.

Staff: “Hey, sir, please don’t leave that all over the rugs. And don’t feed your pizza to the dog.”

Customer: “All right, all right.”

Despite this, the man keeps trying to feed it to the dog. The staff member comes back.

Staff: “I already told you, don’t do that. The last thing we want is to make him sick; he’s on a special diet.”

Customer: “Okay, I gotcha. Just gimme a moment.”

Still no dice. He’s still trying to feed the pizza to the dog. After a moment, the staff member comes back.

Staff: “We’ve told you, and we’re not gonna tell you again. As a matter of fact, we’re not gonna tell you at all. Get out of our store and don’t come back.”

The man started swearing and immediately booked it out of the store with pizza in hand. I overheard some staff members talking about him and asking each other if they knew the guy. Apparently, he pulls this kind of stunt on occasion and somehow managed to steal a whole pizza, so he was trying to get rid of the evidence by feeding it to the store’s dog. I’m still trying to wrap my head around how he got away with that one.

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This Official Is Officially Inattentive

, , , , , | Working | October 11, 2021

In soccer, the officials have the discretion to “card” players for unsportsmanlike conduct or other flagrant rule violations. A yellow card gets a player a temporary suspension from the game; red cards get the player removed from the game altogether.

When I was a kid, my dad played in a recreational soccer league for fun and for exercise. He’s level-headed, calm, and rational… and this is the story of how he got his one and only card in soccer.

Dad played striker, one of the main scoring positions. One game, a teammate passed him the ball and Dad dribbled it down the field to take a shot on goal. One of the other team’s defenders slide-tackled Dad from behind, in blatant violation of both the league’s rules and “just playing for fun” spirit. 

Dad picked himself up off the ground and turned to the official, who had yet to blow his whistle to stop play as he should have.

Dad: “Are you gonna call that?”

The official shook his head.

Official: “I didn’t see anything.”

Dad: *Frustrated* “I had the ball; where were you looking?”

The official silently held up a yellow card and sent Dad to the sidelines.

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Art Is About Baring Your Soul

, , , , , , , | Learning | September 22, 2021

When I was a graduate student at university, I had a job as a teaching assistant for a Geology 101 lab. Basically, we worked with the students to identify rocks and work with geologic maps, and we had an introduction to looking at rocks through a microscope.

Every week in one particular lab, this very attractive coed would arrive just as the bell rang to start the lab. It was obvious she had run there to make it on time, so the TAs never gave her any grief. The strange thing was that she always wore a long raincoat.

This was in Seattle, so raincoats were a common sight, as were umbrellas. The thing was, she wore the raincoat even if it was sunny outside. One day, I approached her when she asked for help and suggested she might be more comfortable if she took off her raincoat.

She smiled at me.

Student: “I might be, but nobody else would be.”

I looked confused, so she whispered:

Student: “I am a life model in the art school, and I don’t have time to get dressed after working for a class. I’m naked under here.”

To say it was difficult to maintain my concentration in that lab following that disclosure would be an understatement.

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Mom Just Can’t Look On The Bright Side

, , , , , | Related | September 18, 2021

My mother taught me to drive. This was fine, except she always complained that I was too far over to the right. I used the oil trail in the middle of the lane as my guide to where the middle of the car should be, but that was too far to the right, so I moved over to the left just to stop her from complaining.

Me: “Is this better?”

Mom: “You’re still too close on this side.”

I got used to driving with the left side of the car about an inch away from the left side of the lane whenever she was the passenger because it was easier than listening to her complain. It was uncomfortably close, but other drivers sensibly passed me with an extra bit of clearance, so I wasn’t too put out.

This worked fine until one day when we were driving some visiting family around, and my mother was sitting in the left rear seat.

Mom: “You’re driving too close to this side.”

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Florida Man Sends Wife Shopping

, , , , | Right | September 14, 2021

I work in a fabric outlet in Seattle; it’s this big warehouse building, very old, made of huge timbers and an uneven wood floor. We have tables of stuff, and we never know all of what we have because we’re an outlet and stock changes and fluctuates on a daily basis. A woman approaches me.

Customer: “What do you have here that I can’t get in Florida?”

Me: “Well, we do have some pretty unique fabrics over on this table.”

I lead her over to where we’ve set aside some pretty nifty leftover designer fabric. She barely glances at it and sniffs.

Customer: “No. I’m asking you to show me fabrics that you don’t have in the Florida stores.”

Me: “Ma’am, we are a local outlet store. We’re not a chain. We get what we get, and we don’t know what other stores may have in stock.”

Customer: “Then I suggest you do your job, get on your computer thingie, and look at their inventory!”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t do that. Our outlet store isn’t able to search every other fabric store’s inventories.”

Customer: “So, what you’re telling me is that you’re useless?”

Me: *Coldly* “Goodbye, ma’am. Have a good day.”

I walked away.

Later, she ended up yelling at the manager about how everyone in this store was useless and that we were just too lazy to check “the computer thingies” for the inventories of fabric stores in Florida.

The manager eventually told her in professional tones to either walk through the store and look for herself or to leave. She left in a huff.

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