(A man calls in to ask why his phone bill is so high. He is on a 700-minute family plan; his phone used 650 minutes, his son’s phone used 10 minutes, and his wife’s phone used… 720 minutes. I can see the call list on her line, and it seems she’s been calling someone in another state twice each day. I attempt to explain this to him:)

Me: “I’ve found the issue, sir. Your wife’s line used 720 minutes last month, and since you have a 700-minute family plan, that’s why your bill is so high. I can upgrade you to the 1400-minute plan for [price], though that would still put you over your limit for last month.”

Caller: “My wife did not use her phone. You made a mistake.”

Me: “I have the call log here to show all the calls, and there’s one number in Houston, Texas, that comes up twice a day. I can send you the call log, if that helps.”

Caller: “I don’t believe you. The call log doesn’t prove anything. She doesn’t know anyone in Houston. You made a mistake. She never uses her phone.”

Me: “Uh, have you asked your wife about whether she has been using her phone?”

Caller: *to his wife* “Have you been using your phone?”

Caller’s Wife: “No, I haven’t.”

Caller: “She says she hasn’t been using her phone, so it’s your mistake.”

Me: “Uh, okay, well… Let me transfer you to our fraud department so they can figure out who has been using her phone to call Houston twice a day.”

(I hope she is enjoying her new life with her Texan boyfriend.)

(I am doing a product demo for a popular energy shot that’s supposed to keep people alert and awake. An elderly couple with a chihuahua comes by my booth.)

Me: “Hello. I have [Brand] for sample today. It’s an energy drink—”

Male Customer: “Oh, we should try this.”

(He picks up the cup, sips it, then offers it to the dog, who investigates the drink.)

Me: “Sir! It’s a half-dose, but that’s still a large amount of caffeine and taurine; I don’t think that’s a good idea—”

Female Customer: “Oh, nonsense. We never get anything that our buddy doesn’t like.”

Me: “It’s still probably not safe for him to drink.”

(The couple walked off, their dog lapping up the drink. I really hope my concerns were unwarranted!)

(We give every guest a number when they order A guest forgets his number before he goes to sit down. Since I took his order and know where it went, I tell the other crew members to just let me take out his order when its ready. this guy decided to claim an order that was similar to his but not exactly when another server went to take food out to another table. so needless to say I was confused when I went to take out his food.)

Me: Oh, um, I have your order here 2 cheeseburgers no spread add mayo?

Him: right well you didn’t give me a number so I just expected some clueless idiot to be wandering around not knowing where to put my food so I claimed the last one that came one assuming it was mine.

Me: Well you actually forgot your number on the counter and I told the whole crew that I would take it out because I knew that you were the one who forgot your number. and that in front of you is 2 cheeseburgers the way the come with no modification. do you want to keep eating that or do you want the correct order that I have here?

Him (Sarcastically): No I’m just going to keep eating your mistake.

Me: Listen I’m sorry there was some confusion here but I have your correct order here and I’ll take this wrong order and get it out of your way, next time though just trust us that will get you your food or make sure you have your number for your table.

Him:Don’t go blaming me for your mistake. it’s not my fault you didn’t give me a number.

Me: I’m not blaming you I’m just saying it is the lunch rush and theres a lot of people in here and we just took a lot of orders so it’s easy for mistakes to be made.

Him:(Sarcastically): Oh yeah I’m sure that your life is sooo difficult it must be super hard to flip burgers for a living.

Me: Ok I’m done taking your shit. if you need anything else ask my manager to help you.

(He did end up asking my manager for help and was an ass to her as well and she asked him to leave.

(Wildfires have become an increasing problem in my area every summer. This year, even though the fires are nowhere near where I live, a weird weather pattern traps a thick smoke cloud here for several days. I have asthma, so I am unable to leave my apartment during this time. Once the smoke clears, I go to the hardware store to buy the kind of face mask that blocks smoke so this won’t happen again. Since I have no idea where to find masks, I ask an employee. I explain to him that I need it because of my asthma and the smoky conditions, just in case some masks are unsuitable for that.)

Employee: “Face masks… Face masks… Those would be on an end cap on [aisle], I think. But I’m not sure. Let’s go look.”

(He starts leading me through the store to look for the masks.)

Employee: “Have you heard of the [Family] family?”

Me: “No, I haven’t.”

Employee: “Well, they had all sorts of health problems. Always dealing with something. But then one time, the day after Halloween, they found little [Son] passed out next to a pillowcase full of candy. Took him to the doctor, and it turned out he had diabetes.”

Me: *wondering why he’s telling me this* “Was he all right?”

Employee: “Yeah, but the mom, see, she was a nurse, and she’d seen people die from insulin. So she didn’t want her son taking that. The whole family changed their diet, instead. Organic, raw, vegan.”

(We haven’t gotten to the face-masks yet, but the employee stops in the middle of an aisle. He’s no longer looking for them at all.)

Employee: “So, yeah. The diabetes cleared right up! And the daughter, she had asthma. It went away, too!”

Me: “Ah.”

Employee: “Really, you should try it. Go on a green juice cleanse for a couple weeks. It’ll take care of that asthma.”

Me: “Um… I’d rather just find that mask, thanks.”

Employee: “Oh, right.”

(He finally showed me where the masks were, and I found the right one. Before leaving, he made a few more comments about changes I should make to my diet and what wonderful effects it would have on my health. All of this was despite me not showing one bit of interest in his claims about diet. Also, I’ve been a vegetarian who eats mostly vegetables for over a decade, and I still have asthma.)

I used to work at a coffee stand on a college campus. It was run by the college, so our financial paperwork was occasionally audited by state auditors. We had to account for every time we opened the cash register because the register would log the time stamp on a report we had to file.

We weren’t allowed to open the drawer for anything but a shift start, a sale, and shift end. Unfortunately, due to the placement of the register and the stand itself, most of us baristas ended up having to lean in close to the register and its handy “drawer open” button. Also unfortunately, most of us had boobs that got in the way and hit the button. We were instructed to write down a brief note about why the drawer was opened.

And that’s the story about how some state auditor had to handle a file full of little notes that read, “Sorry, hit with boob.”