Years ago, when I was seventeen, I worked part-time at an auto repair shop.

One day, a new customer comes in and wants the front wheel bearings on their car replaced. So, I went to the parts store around the corner and bought them, and I’m replacing the races (the ring that the bearings ride in) when the customer sees me and demands to know what I’m doing. 

I explain that the races are part of the set of bearings that I bought for his car.

Customer: “I get at least 5,000 miles on a set of bearings; I don’t need that extra junk.”

The normal lifetime for those bearings is ten times that.

Then he said, in range the boss’s hearing:

Customer: “If I wanted a first-class job done, I would have gone somewhere else.”

My boss just told me to put everything back the way I found it, and told the customer:

Boss: “Sorry sir, there’s no charge.”

The bearings were in such bad shape; it’s a wonder the car moved at all.

I work in a garage (auto shop) that specializes in EVs. Our troubleshooting can be as much about software as it is about hardware. An angry and annoying customer is having issues with his rather pricey car (the exact nature of the issue isn’t important). My coworker is trying to troubleshoot any software issues the customer might be having:

Annoying Customer: “It’s not software related! It’s mechanical! I know it is! I’m a good driver, so the car must be having issues!”

Coworker: “I’m just troubleshooting—”

Annoying Customer: “—It’s mechanical!”

The annoying customer goes through a tirade of how he knows better, and how he can afford a nice car, so he’s OBVIOUSLY someone important who knows things…

Coworker: “Yeah, now that you’ve said all that, I think there’s a problem with the nut behind the wheel.”

I look up from my paperwork, trying not to smile.

Annoying Customer: “Well, can’t you fix it?!”

Coworker: “I don’t know… sometimes the nuts behind the wheel are pretty bad. Some are impossible to fix.”

Now my manager has looked up. We share a ‘WTF’ look with each other.

Annoying Customer: “You haven’t even checked!”

Coworker: “Yeah, but I can already tell that the nut behind this wheel is one of those very annoying cases. They can really ruin everyone’s day if left unchecked!”

Annoying Customer: “Just fix it!”

Manager: *Walking over.* “What’s the issue here?”

Coworker: “It’s a PICNIC error.”

This one I know: Problem In Chair, Not In Computer.

Manager: “Oh, dear.” *To the customer.* “That’s a pretty serious error, but we can have that fixed in a few hours. I’d suggest going to get something to eat and coming back after lunch?”

We’re walking distance to a mall, so this is a fair request.

Annoying Customer: “Fine, but my nut better be fixed by the time I get back!”

I don’t know how we held that laughter in until he left.

My coworker was able to diagnose the issue (software-related) and installed the fix within minutes. In his paperwork, he labelled it under 1D10T error.

Customer: “I need my wiper blades fixed.”

Me: “I can get that done for you.”

Customer: “Really? I mean, no offense, but wouldn’t it be easier to get one of the guys to do it?”

Me: *Calling into the back of the auto shop.* “Hey, guys! This customer out here thinks it’ll be easier to fix wiper blades using a penis instead of your hands! Kinda weird but the customer’s always right… right?!”

I look back at the customer, who has gone pale.

Me: “I assume that’s what you meant, as that’s the only thing those guys have got that I don’t.”

He remains silent, and one of the guys comes out from the back, laughing, and tells the guy he’ll work on his car using his hands, if that’s okay…

A customer comes in with an outdated 2005 Pontiac.

Customer: “Can you change my vehicle’s headlight bulb?”

Me: “Yes, pull the vehicle into our service department.”

Customer: “Okay, but will you charge me?”

Me: “Uh… of course.”

Customer: “But this is a GM vehicle. The GM mechanic said he’d do it for free.”

Me: “Ooookay, then why not take your vehicle to him?”

Customer: “Because I wanted to know if you’d do it for free too.”

I maintain cars for a living. Where I work, we have in-ground pits; once we pull the car in, we can do anything we need to do underneath the car without having to lift it in the air. Of course, this can make it not very obvious when we’re actively working on the car, so to keep ourselves safe, we make sure to take the car keys from whoever’s driving it to keep them from starting it when it might be dangerous, damaging, or both.

Unfortunately for the customer in this story, even that isn’t enough of a deterrent for some people.

We had two such bays in my store and thus could work on two cars at a time. On this day, one car needed a few things up top, so I moved over to the other car to keep being productive while my coworkers sorted it out.

We got the new car guided in, and I opened the hood, took the keys, and otherwise got everything all set up for an oil change, just as the customer wanted. I climbed down under the car, pulled the drain plug, removed the oil filter, and then I was needed back over at the first car again, so I let everything drain while I walked over to do that.

It was at that point that the customer of this car (which I had just pulled the drain plug out of) decided he was done. So, he got out of his car, closed his hood, grabbed his keys, and drove off.

Without a drain plug or oil filter.

I still don’t know what happened to him, but I never heard from him again.