I work in a vintage music store in a touristy part of Los Angeles. We have a huge vinyl collection (both old and new) and attract a lot of customer types, from old-school collectors to… newer fans of the medium:

A young guy comes over holding a vinyl album:

Customer: “Is this region specific?”

Me: “Region specific? You mean, like region locked?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “It’s vinyl.”

Customer: “Yeah. So, can I play these when I get back to the UK?”

Me: “It’s vinyl. They’re literal discs of PVC.”

Customer: “Yeah. So, can I play these when—”

Me: “—when you get back to the UK, yes. Yes, you can.”

Customer: “Wicked! Thanks!”

I’m on a call with a client to explain some issues with a project that was sent to him earlier. In the middle of the call, my office building shook with a pretty strong earthquake. Alarms sounded off, and evacuation began immediately.

Me: “Sir, I am going to have to call you back. We’ve just experienced an earthquake, and we need to evacuate the building. I am sure you can hear the alarms in the background.”

Caller: *Sighs.* “Do you have to go right this minute?”

Me: “…yes, sir, it’s an evacuation.”

Caller: “What floor are you on?”

Me: “A pretty high one.”

Caller: “Well, keep explaining the project to me for a few more minutes. It’ll give time for the stairwell to thin out a bit, and you can get down it faster.”

Me: “…no, sir. That isn’t how evacuations work. I’m going to put the phone down now.”

Caller: “Can you call me on your cell while you take the stairs?”

Me: “No!” *Click.*

The client left a voicemail with my boss, explaining how I was rude and aggressive. My boss called him back and said that if he ever tried to keep any of his guys inside a building during an emergency again, he’d drop him as a client.

CORRECTION: Some repeated words have been removed.

I work at a movie theatre that serves alcohol.

Customer: “A beer for my wife and me.”

Me: “Sir, in compliance with our minor control plan, I can only serve one drink per person.”

Customer: “But my wife is already settled in her seat!”

Me: “We have in-seat ordering—”

Customer: “—No, I’m here now, and I am getting a drink for my wife and me!”

Me: “Sir, the plan is in place to ensure our safety, to protect from lawsuits and potential minors getting alcohol.”

Customer: “And what if I never come back to this theater again?!”

Me: “That’s your choice, sir. Better to play it safe.”

Customer: “So you’d rather be safe than have a sale?”

Me: “Sir, you’re asking if I’m willing to risk a multi-thousand-dollar fine and a lawsuit, rather than serve you two $8 beers at once. What do you think?”

I was one of two broadcast engineers working on a TV mobile broadcasting a Los Angeles Dodger baseball game. One of the videotape recorders (yeah, this was a looooong time ago) was acting up. I noticed that the other tech was already working on it.

The producer was raging in front of the mobile broadcast unit (basically the television production truck), and I went up to the front. He started yelling at me:

Producer: “This is such a s***ty mobile! Nothing ever works! You’re all running a total s*** show here all the god-d*** time!”

There were about ten other production people there also, quietly sinking into their chairs, trying to do their jobs in the middle of this production.

After about five long minutes of his tirade, he stops and asks me:

Producer: “Well?! Are you going to just stand there or are you going to do something about this?!”

Me: “Sorry, I was waiting for you to finish. My mama always said the best way to deal with a tantrum is to let them cry it all out. Anyway, the other tech fixed the problem about three minutes ago.”

You could have heard a pin drop.

I’m getting something at a convenience store when a customer wanders in and starts shouting at the cashier. During this entire exchange, the customer hands over some money, and the cashier hands over a pack of cigarettes and change, implying that this is a regular transaction for these two.

Customer: “Didn’t you hear! The center of the galaxy and the Earth are aligned! We so are in the end times!”

Cashier: “Doris, two points are always aligned, it’s called a line!”

Customer: “That’s the Devil talking!”

Cashier: “Shut your mouth and give your brain a chance to catch up, Doris. See ya tomorrow.”

Customer: *Taking her change and cigarettes.* “If we’re all even here tomorrow!”

The customer leaves, and the cashier serves the next customer as if it were the most normal conversation in the world.