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That’ll Teach You To Pee On Some Innocent Tree!

, , , , , , | Legal | January 4, 2023

When I was a teenager, I sometimes drank alcohol, and though it is illegal to give or sell alcohol to teenagers, technically, it is not illegal for teenagers to drink here in Sweden, though many think of it as equivalent.

Two friends and I were having some drinks on a very small pier by a lake one evening. We also brought some food, like sandwiches and fruit; it was like a picnic, with alcohol involved.

The beach was a very small one; however, if you continued along the lake, there was a big beach not far from this one. There were no houses nearby and, as such, the empty beach felt like a very isolated place, so we talked and had a lot of fun.

At one point, one of my friends was peeing up by the woods, and we saw two flashlights approaching the beach. She came running down to us, still putting her skirt in place.

Friend #1: “It’s the police!”

Both my friends started to panic. I told them to calm down, having been taught that the police are just doing their jobs and are not out to get us like some people seem to think.

As the police arrived, I smiled at them. I couldn’t really see their faces seeing as it was dark, and they were behind flashlights, but I could see enough to see that they were in uniforms.

Me: “Good evening.”

Police: “Good evening. We’ve gotten a call about a disturbance. Apparently, a bunch of teenagers are drinking, screaming, and having a big, loud party. Do you know anything about that?”

Me: “No, we are just having a picnic, and it is just the three of us. If there is a party, I hear it is usually over by the big beach.”

Police: “Oh, we see. But you are drinking.”

Me: “Yes, we are.”

My friends were pale; they didn’t say a word.

Police: “Is everyone all right? Does anyone need to go to the hospital?”

Me: “No, I don’t think so.”

I looked at my friends. They still didn’t say anything, but frankly, I didn’t think any one of us was beyond tipsy.

Me: “We’re fine.”

Police: “All right, well, be careful. Here by the water, you can fall in, and if you do, you might not get out; it is cold at this time of night, and your body might go into shock. You are quite far away from the road, so it would take time for help to get here.”

Me: “Yes, thank you. We’ll be careful.”

Police: “All right, well, have a good evening, and don’t hesitate to call if you need any help.”

Me: “Have a good evening!”

Then, they left, and my friends looked at me.

Friend #2: “Wow! You were so calm!”

Me: “Well, there was no reason to worry. Worst case scenario, they would’ve taken our drinks.”

Then, we started wondering what disturbance they had come for. We would’ve noticed a big party, seeing as some people would’ve most likely gone past our beach to get there. Also, we should’ve heard it.

Looking out at the lake, we saw the lights of the houses which were basically on the other side of it. We concluded that someone probably heard the echo of three girls laughing over the water and felt that it disturbed their evening.

A Lowering Tide Lowers All IQs

, , , , , | Right | January 3, 2023

I work for a beach patrol in New Jersey. Someone walks up to my guard stand looking a bit nervous.

Beachgoer: *Whispering* “The water has slowly been receding for the past few hours. I think there’s a tsunami about to hit. I’m whispering because I don’t want to scare other people around us, but you have to do something!”

Me: “We’re not at risk of a tsunami; that’s just the tide going out.”

Beachgoer: “What’s a tide?”

Me: “Oh, boy…”

They knew that water receding from a beach could mean a tsunami but they didn’t know what a tide was? I worry about our schools.

This Day At The Beach Was No Day At The Beach

, , , , , | Friendly | November 28, 2022

When I was a young child, my parents would always be invited to a Fourth Of July party held at a private beach on the bay by a friend of my father’s. The beach did not happen to have a restroom; we had to walk a little ways away to find the porta-potties.

One holiday, I needed to pee, but both my parents were busy talking to other grown-ups. I knew they wouldn’t want me going on my own, but I decided I was big enough to manage the trek, and I figured they wouldn’t even notice I had gone. I found the potties just as I planned, but on my way back, I missed my turn and soon was hopelessly lost.

Eventually, a man came out to find out why I was walking through his yard. I didn’t have shoes since I had been playing in the bay, and the road was hurting my bare feet. I tried to explain where the party was, but my limited explanation wasn’t enough for the man to figure out where to take me, so he instead offered to walk with me for a while until I found my way back.

Once it became clear that I must be walking in the wrong direction, he took me to a neighbor who he hoped could drive me around to look for them. Sadly, both that neighbor’s car and boat were not available at the moment, so I briefly had two escorts walking with me until they could find a third volunteer with a functional car to drive me around to look for the party.

By this point, I’d figured out where I had gone wrong and asked to be taken back to the porta-potties. I’m pretty sure I would have found the turn this time, but I didn’t need to, as the flashing lights of a police car in a nearby lot gave away where the turn was. It seemed my parents had noticed I’d gone missing and the police had been called.

The man dropped me off with my parents and got many thanks in return. I was scared, and exhausted from all the walking and worrying, but I was thankful I’d had numerous volunteers to help me find my way back.

It’s a small thing, but when everyone tries to make it sound like the world is falling apart, I try to remember that there are still decent people who will give up their afternoon to make sure a lost child finds his way home.

When Even Mother Nature Is Telling Them To Shut Up

, , , , , , , | Right | May 17, 2022

I am selling British-style fish and chips at the beach. They are very popular with the beachgoers… and the seagulls! I warn everyone to be careful around the critters when walking away with their food, but there’s always one person…

Customer: “A seagull stole my fish!”

Me: “Yikes! Yeah, they do tend to do that.”

The customer just stares at me.

Me: “Was there anything else, ma’am?”

Customer: “Well? Aren’t you going to do anything?”

Me: “Would you like to buy another fish?”

Customer: “You need to give me another one for free!”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but it’s a natural hazard for being on a busy beach. You need to watch out for the seagulls.”

Customer: “You work on the beach! The seagulls are part of the beach! Therefore, they’re your responsibility, and you owe me another fish!”

At this point, a seagull has landed close to the moaning customer and started honking super loudly. Another customer in my line speaks up to the moaning customer:

Customer #2: “When I can’t tell the difference between a honking seagull and an entitled blowhard like you, then you should take the hint. Go away!”

The moaning customer, shocked into silence for a moment, was about to kick off again when yet ANOTHER seagull flew down and started honking. Realizing she was defeated, she harrumphed and stormed off.

The birds followed her.

Her Compassion Meter Appears To Be Disabled

, , , , , | Friendly | April 23, 2022

I am a twenty-five-year-old woman on oxygen. I go into the bathroom at the beach and see that the handicapped stall is available. I can fit my tank in a normal stall, but it’s more comfortable with the extra space, so I take it.

No sooner do I sit down than I see a boy of two or three try to crawl under the door. He is pulled back and a woman scolds him. I exit the stall to see a woman and two children under five.

Woman:You took the handicapped stall?”

I gesture to my oxygen tank

Me: “Yes?”

Woman: “You shouldn’t use it.”

Me: “Uhh… why?”

Woman: “I need that space.”

She gestures to her children.

Me: “Oh. You’re disabled?”

Woman: “I have children!”

Me: “I’m so sorry. That must be so difficult.”

The woman stared at me for a moment before dragging her children into the stall. I understand using the stall for families. I don’t understand how she saw me with my tank and thought I wasn’t allowed to use it.