Your Sister Sounds Like A Doll

, , , , , | Related | September 26, 2020

My sister and I are on vacation in Haiti, and we go down to sit on the beach. I spot it first.

Me: “Hey, there’s the beach. I’m going to it.”

I figure that she’ll be right behind me, but when I turn around, there’s no one! I figure that she went to the bathroom or got some drinks, and I spread out my towel. Many minutes go by, and I’m wondering where exactly is she. We don’t have our cellphones in this country, so I can’t text or call her.

Finally, she emerges, looking frazzled.

Sister: “There you are! You disappeared!”

Me: “I told you I was going to the beach. Where were you?”

Sister: “Looking for you, and then I got jumped on by a group trying to sell me a doll for voodoo!”

Me: “What?! Seriously?”

Sister: “They dragged me into this shop full of potions and creepy demonic masks. It was horrible.”

Later, I asked her to show me this shop, and she did. It wasn’t as bad as I thought, but it did have statues of fornicating animals. I couldn’t help laughing, and the women were very offended and shooed me out! We won’t be going back.

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That’s Some Real Crappy Parenting

, , , , | Right | August 25, 2020

I’m working at a closed beach advising people against swimming since the water quality is unsanitary. There are signs, but most people are shocked when I tell them they shouldn’t swim since they ignored the signs; others just don’t care.

I approach a woman with three little kids — between three and five years old — and give her my usual spiel.

Me: “Excuse me! Hi, I’m with [City] Parks and Rec! I’m just here to let you know that the [County] health department determined the level of bacteria in the water is unsafe and is advising against wading or swimming.”

As I’m speaking, she turns away like she’s only half interested in what I’m saying; meanwhile, her kids are splashing around in the water.

Mother: “Okay, thanks.”

Realizing I’m being brushed off, I move to a pair of kids in the water. I give the same spiel and they start asking questions, as kids do.

Kid: “Why can’t we swim?”

I can’t really enforce anything.

Me: “Well, it’s not that you can’t swim, but there’s gross stuff in the water and it’s better if you don’t.”

Kid: “Like what, though?”

Me: *Pause* “Sewage.”

The mother from before sees me talking to more people and approaches me, her kids still in the water.

Mother: “So, what is it that’s going on with the water?”

Me: “Well, there’s a sewage leakage nearby that frequently affects the water quality here.”

Mother: “So, when did they decide that it wasn’t safe to swim?”

Me: “I think the decision was made sometime last week.”

Mother: “Oh, well, we were here four days ago and it was fine.”

Me: “The health department decided that it’s not ideal for swimming at the moment.”

She kind of just nodded and walked off. Later, I looked over and noticed she had joined her kids in splashing around in the sewer water. She even dunked one of them under. The internal facepalm was real.

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To Them, Anything North Of Jacksonville Is Arctic

, , , , , | Right | May 19, 2020

I work at the entrance gate of a beach in New York where you can actually see Canada across the river. It’s mid-July and it’s about 90 degrees out. A car pulls up with Florida plates and two elderly women inside.

Passenger: “Excuse me, miss? What are those funny-looking birds?”

Me: *Looking around* “Which birds, ma’am?”

Passenger: “The funny-looking birds! The ones over there!”

Me: “I… I’m not sure what you mean, ma’am.”

Passenger: *Getting frustrated* “The funny-looking birds with the brown spots! Are those arctic puffins?”

I finally realize which “funny-looking birds” she’s talking about and try not to laugh.

Me: “Ma’am? Um. Those are seagulls.”

I have never had a car drive away so quickly!

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A Naked Complaint

, , , | Right | February 29, 2020

I am sitting in the lifeguard chair when an obviously very drunk and very trashy woman arrives at the beach with her family.

The woman allows her four-year-old daughter to run around the beach without anything on. While I don’t really care either way since I go off duty in twenty minutes, my boss has made it clear that naked children are to be strictly dealt with since the beach is public space.

“Hello, ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to clothe your daughter.”

“Are you f****** serious? She’s just a little child; what the f*** is wrong with you?!”

“Ma’am, the beach policy is that children must be clothed.”

*Obviously lying* “Well, she has a bad skin rash on her back! SHE CAN’T WEAR A TOP, YOU LITTLE P***K.”

“Look, ma’am, I saw you guys walk up; she had clothes on then. Either way, if she does have a bad rash, she shouldn’t be in the water with other children, for health reasons.”

“What exactly is wrong with her being topless? Huh?!

“Ma’am, the way my manager explained it to me is this: this is public space, and ot only do most people not want to see a naked child running around, but would you really want some stranger staring at your little girl? Certain people go to public beaches for just that reason. Please be reasonable, ma’am.”

“Well, you a**holes shouldn’t let pedophiles in! F*** you! F*** this beach! I’m not going to cover my little girl up, you b****!”

“Ma’am, please refrain from using that type of language; there are other people who just want to enjoy the beach.”

“So, you’re telling me if she was a boy and running around topless, you wouldn’t say anything?”

“Well, no, ma’am bec—”

“Exactly! You’re a sexist, misogynistic f****** pig! F*** you, you biased a**hole!”

“Ma’am, I have run out of patience with you. I have the power to have you removed from the park, so either clothe your child or get off of my beach.”

“I want to speak with your manager. Now!”

Her husband face-palms so hard I am afraid he’ll knock himself out.

“Okay, ma’am, I’ll radio the beach manager over.”

I radio the beach manager and he sides with me.

“Never mind! We are leaving. Come on, honey!”

She grabs her child by the wrist and the kid starts crying.

“Look what you did; you made my baby cry! Thanks for ruining our nice beach day, you miserable p***k! I’m going to issue a complaint to your manager! I’ll get you f****** fired!”

By now, other customers are starting to become uncomfortable.

Customer #2:
“Hey, lady, calm down! The kid is just doing his job. I don’t wanna see your kid naked; he’s in the right here.”

I swear the lady looks like she is ten seconds from popping a blood vessel in her brain. She then storms off, practically dragging her kid as the husband apologizes profusely. I get off work that day and the next morning my boss asks to see me.

“Hey, I got a complaint about you yesterday.”

“Really? Gee, I wonder who it could be…”

“I have never heard a person use so many curse words in my entire life. I don’t know how you kept your cool. That lady was crazy. Carry on, son; you’re doing fine. I know you weren’t doing any of the things she said.”

“What did she say?”

“She said you were cursing at her and making fun of her kid, but another customer came in after you left last night and told me what really happened.”

“Oh, cool. Yeah, that guy was awesome. Thanks, boss!”

I never saw that lady again, but her complaint will go down in history as the nastiest complaint we have ever received at the beach.

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Stop Guarding Lives!

, , , | Right | February 10, 2020

(This is my first year as a lifeguard on the beach and all has been smooth sailing, just a few rescues and warning people… except for this one mother who walks up to me with her son in tow.)

Mum: “My son lost his action camera out in the surf.”

Me: “Okay, did it have a floaty on it?”

Mum: “No.”

Me: “Well, I’ll keep my eye out for any that are handed in.”

Mum: *starts to get mad* “No, aren’t you going to go and look for it now?”

Me: “No, ma’am, I can’t go out looking for it as it is a busy day and I can’t leave my spot.”

(I’m the only lifeguard on duty.)

Mum: “What do you mean? Of course, you can! No one is in trouble and he just lost it over there!”

Me: “Look. Even if there was no one in the surf, I would still not go looking for your son’s lost action camera.”

(She grabs her son and walked away, yelling at me.)

Mum: “I’m calling your manager for not doing your job and have you fired.”

(Did this lady really think I was going to leave my spot watching the ocean to go and look for her son’s missing action camera?)

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