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That Mother-In-Law Is A Special Brand

, , , , , | Related | June 28, 2021

My wife is one of the most independent, driven, and hardworking people I’ve ever met, to the point where we make in-jokes about her being the submissive housewife because the concept is absolutely ludicrous. 

Prior to meeting my wife, I started a company and have a stylized version of my initials as the company logo. My wife then started working at the company with me, and it became such a large part of our lives that she chose to get the company logo as a tattoo on the back of her neck.

My mother-in-law has become pretty disillusioned with marriage due to her own experiences and has been pretty derogatory and insulting to our union, mainly making comments along the lines of, “Once this marriage ends…” etc.

This story occurs at a beach, several years into our marriage. Because the tattoo is in a fairly hidden place and the relationship is strained, it’s the first time that my mother-in-law has noticed my wife’s tattoo.

Mother-In-Law: “WHAT THE F*** IS THAT?!”

Wife: “What’s what?”

Mother-In-Law: “On the back of your neck! Is that a tattoo?!”

Wife: “Oh, that! Yeah, I got it a few years ago.”

My mother-in-law then turns and addresses me, and I will admit I’m a smarta**.

Mother-In-Law: “DID YOU F****** BRAND HER?!” 

Me: “Well, that ring can come off; that tattoo never will.”

This sends her into a rage, with lots of yelling and swearing, and eventually, she storms off. I am talking with my wife after.

Me: “Honestly, I don’t get how she thought I made you get the tattoo. I’m pretty sure the last time anyone made you do anything, you were in diapers.”

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You Could Put The Sign ON Their Face And It Still Wouldn’t Work

, , , , | Right | May 17, 2021

I work as a lifeguard at the town beach. Due to current events, we have one of our paths set up for exit only and the other for entry. Both are very obviously marked with giant metal signs like you would see on the highway.

Me: “Hey, guys, would you mind using the other entrance next time you come in?”

Patron: “We didn’t see the sign.”

Me: “I assure you there is one there.”

Patron: “Well, there wasn’t anything saying where the entrance was.”

Keep in mind that the entrance is clearly visible from the exit, so they saw the sign and didn’t look for the entrance at all. After this incident, we put a sign in the middle of the path.

It hasn’t worked.

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Not Allergic To A Sunny Disposition!

, , , , , | Healthy | April 21, 2021

I have a blood disorder called EPP; basically, I’m allergic to the sun. I’m sitting in a tent on the beach to shelter myself. Two girls who look about fourteen or fifteen see me — age ten — with my gloves, sunscreen, and huge sun hat.

Girl #1: “Hi. Why are you in a tent?”

Girl #2: “Yeah, can’t you just go inside?”

Me: “My family is here; I don’t wanna just leave. The sun and I aren’t friends.”

Girl #1: “Well, why are you wearing gloves in a tent? Go outside!”

Me: “I’m allergic.”

Girl #2: “To going outside? That’s dumb.”

Me: “No! I’m allergic to the sun.”

Both girls are starting to get annoyed, even though I’m not lying and they are the ones who decided to talk to me.

Girl #1: “That’s not a real allergy.”

Girl #2: “Yeah, stop lying!” 

Me: “It is real, and I’m just glad you don’t have it.” 

I went back to playing with my little cards and they walked away.

After that, my mom kept telling me that story because she thought it was really nice how I didn’t actually react in an aggressive way. Even though they were being rude I didn’t wish my allergy on them. I know some people are dealing with some crazy allergies; you aren’t alone!

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Um. How Fierce?

, , , , , | Related | December 29, 2020

I am the author of this story, and this story features the same sister. I do not know how old she is at the time, but she is pretty young, probably about two or three, and we are at the beach. She has made it clear that she does not want to go into the ocean, and the following conversation ensues.

Mother: “Well, the ocean is a force to be reckoned with.”

My sister crosses her arms and glares at the ocean.

Sister: “I don’t like to be reckoned with.”

That one’s certainly been told many times!

Related:
Um. How Cute?

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Bench This Beach Bum!

, , , , | Working | November 23, 2020

During the summer, I regularly visit the shore. I buy my seasonal beach tag at the town hall and walk to the boardwalk. As I approach the stairs down to the beach, I am immediately stopped by the guard there.

Guard #1: “Sir, you can’t enter the beach without a valid beach tag. You do not have a valid beach tag.”

Me: “Yes, I do have one.”

Guard #1: “You can’t come in without a beach tag. You do not have a valid beach tag.”

Me: “It’s on my shirt. I just bought it fifteen minutes ago.”

I point to the clearly-visible tag.

Guard #1: “You can’t come in without a beach tag. You do not have a valid beach tag.”

Me: *Pulling the tag off* “Then please tell me what this is.”

I hold the tag practically in his face. The guard studies the tag for a moment.

Guard #1: “You can’t come in without a beach tag. You do not have a valid beach tag.”

I give up at that point and go to a different entrance further up the boardwalk.

Guard #2: “May I see your beach tag, sir?”

I show her the tag.

Me: “Is this a valid beach tag?”

She studies the tag and then hands it back to me.

Guard #2: *Confused* “Yes, of course. This is perfectly valid. Why would you think it isn’t?”

Me: “The other guard told me it wasn’t.”

Guard #2: “No, you’re fine! Like I said, this is perfectly valid!” *Pause* “Wait, by any chance, that wasn’t the guard at [First Entrance Location] was it?”

Me: “Yes, it was.”

Guard #2: “You know, you’re not the first person he’s done that to. I’m his supervisor, so I’ll talk to him when I get a chance. Here, I’ll also give you the customer care team’s number if you’d like to file a complaint.”

I called the number on my cell and explained everything to the rep on the other side, who assured me that he would be dealt with. When I left four hours later, a different guard was stationed at the entrance where the supervisor was. As I walked past the entrance where the first guard was, I saw him, his supervisor, and what looked like their boss in a heated discussion, which ended with the first guard storming off. I assume that he was fired, because it’s been three years and I haven’t seen him once in several trips to the shore since then.

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