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Warning To All Travellers: British Seagulls Are No Joke

, , , , | Right | January 6, 2022

This particular fish and chip shop is near the seafront. It has a restaurant section as well as a very small counter section. My sister, who I don’t look similar to, works at the counter and is working by herself this afternoon. I go in to pick up some food for my teenage friends and myself. My friends are waiting outside because we have a dog with us and it’s cramped. A couple is in there, as well, and they have a touristy look about them.

Sister: “Did you want to get that order for the table side? No extra cost to eat in.”

Man: “Oh, no! We’ve come to enjoy the seaside, so we’re going to eat them by the sea!”

Sister: “I’m going to recommend not doing that due to the gulls. They’re pretty aggressive.”

Man: *Laughs* “No, no! I’m sure they’ll be fine! Just a way to get bums on seats to get more money!”

Woman: “Are you sure, [Man]? She’s recommended it, and it’s not extra…”

Man: *To me* “Are you a local?”

Me: “…yeah?”

Man: “And are you eating in or out?”

Me: “Out, but we’re going to be eating in—”

Man: *Not letting me finish and going back to the woman* “See, the locals don’t!” *To my sister* “We want it to go, please!”

Sister: “Okay, then. Open or wrapped?”

Man: “Wrapped, of course!”

Woman: “I still feel like we’re making a mistake, [Man].”

Man: *To the woman* “I’m telling you, it’s just a way to encourage people to sit in so they can get more money!” *To my sister “Not that that’s a bad thing — you gotta make money somehow — I just know how all of this works.”

Sister: *Dryly* “If you say so, sir. Here’s your food.”

The couple takes it and leaves. My sister comes round the counter to watch them through the windows, which I’m already doing and my friends did as soon as they realised the couple was heading to the seafront with open fish and chips.

Sister: *Quietly* “And five…”

A gull spots them.

Sister: “Four…”

So do a few more.

Sister: “Three…”

They start to gather.

Sister: “Two…”

The lady looks nervous.

Sister: “One.”

On cue, they’re bombed by gulls. My friends and I laugh. My sister shakes her head and heads back to the counter.

Sister: “I tried to warn them. Hopefully, they don’t come in demanding their money back. Right. You. What you lot havin’?”

She’s getting me sorted when the couple comes back in, minus the food they were given moments ago.

Woman: “The idiot underestimated the gulls. If we want to eat in, do we need to order here first?”

Me: “Nah, just go through there and they’ll get you a table and sort you out.”

Man: *Almost with suspicion* “You know how this place works…”

Woman: “Yes, because she’s a local, [Man]. She’s a local who probably knows where it’s safe to eat so you don’t get mugged. And she was trying to tell you where but you didn’t let her finish. Where are you eating, by the way?”

Me: “In my friend’s beach house.”

Woman: “So, appears she’s eating out but still inside. We don’t have that option, so let’s eat in the restaurant. It’s got lovely open windows to see the seafront and no birds.”

With A Deal Like That, You’re Set For Life (Jackets)

, , , | Right | December 22, 2021

I work at one of those inflatable obstacle courses on water. I am guarding the entrance. On the beach, I see a small family going to their car with our life jackets. My boss runs to the parking lot.

Boss: “Where are you going with those life jackets?”

Family: “Oh, we thought they came with the hour on the island!”

All for $15. $15 each, I mean. And there were about ten of them.

That Mother-In-Law Is A Special Brand

, , , , , | Related | June 28, 2021

My wife is one of the most independent, driven, and hardworking people I’ve ever met, to the point where we make in-jokes about her being the submissive housewife because the concept is absolutely ludicrous. 

Prior to meeting my wife, I started a company and have a stylized version of my initials as the company logo. My wife then started working at the company with me, and it became such a large part of our lives that she chose to get the company logo as a tattoo on the back of her neck.

My mother-in-law has become pretty disillusioned with marriage due to her own experiences and has been pretty derogatory and insulting to our union, mainly making comments along the lines of, “Once this marriage ends…” etc.

This story occurs at a beach, several years into our marriage. Because the tattoo is in a fairly hidden place and the relationship is strained, it’s the first time that my mother-in-law has noticed my wife’s tattoo.

Mother-In-Law: “WHAT THE F*** IS THAT?!”

Wife: “What’s what?”

Mother-In-Law: “On the back of your neck! Is that a tattoo?!”

Wife: “Oh, that! Yeah, I got it a few years ago.”

My mother-in-law then turns and addresses me, and I will admit I’m a smarta**.

Mother-In-Law: “DID YOU F****** BRAND HER?!” 

Me: “Well, that ring can come off; that tattoo never will.”

This sends her into a rage, with lots of yelling and swearing, and eventually, she storms off. I am talking with my wife after.

Me: “Honestly, I don’t get how she thought I made you get the tattoo. I’m pretty sure the last time anyone made you do anything, you were in diapers.”

You Could Put The Sign ON Their Face And It Still Wouldn’t Work

, , , , | Right | May 17, 2021

I work as a lifeguard at the town beach. Due to current events, we have one of our paths set up for exit only and the other for entry. Both are very obviously marked with giant metal signs like you would see on the highway.

Me: “Hey, guys, would you mind using the other entrance next time you come in?”

Patron: “We didn’t see the sign.”

Me: “I assure you there is one there.”

Patron: “Well, there wasn’t anything saying where the entrance was.”

Keep in mind that the entrance is clearly visible from the exit, so they saw the sign and didn’t look for the entrance at all. After this incident, we put a sign in the middle of the path.

It hasn’t worked.

Not Allergic To A Sunny Disposition!

, , , , , | Healthy | April 21, 2021

I have a blood disorder called EPP; basically, I’m allergic to the sun. I’m sitting in a tent on the beach to shelter myself. Two girls who look about fourteen or fifteen see me — age ten — with my gloves, sunscreen, and huge sun hat.

Girl #1: “Hi. Why are you in a tent?”

Girl #2: “Yeah, can’t you just go inside?”

Me: “My family is here; I don’t wanna just leave. The sun and I aren’t friends.”

Girl #1: “Well, why are you wearing gloves in a tent? Go outside!”

Me: “I’m allergic.”

Girl #2: “To going outside? That’s dumb.”

Me: “No! I’m allergic to the sun.”

Both girls are starting to get annoyed, even though I’m not lying and they are the ones who decided to talk to me.

Girl #1: “That’s not a real allergy.”

Girl #2: “Yeah, stop lying!” 

Me: “It is real, and I’m just glad you don’t have it.” 

I went back to playing with my little cards and they walked away.

After that, my mom kept telling me that story because she thought it was really nice how I didn’t actually react in an aggressive way. Even though they were being rude I didn’t wish my allergy on them. I know some people are dealing with some crazy allergies; you aren’t alone!