Swim Gang!

, , , , , | Friendly | November 15, 2019

(One summer evening when I’m in my late teens or early twenties, a few friends and I go to a free concert at a local public beach. During a break in the concert, two of my friends and I walk to a quieter, less crowded area of the beach to talk a bit. As we’re talking, a boy who appears to be 10 to 12 years old comes up to us. For context, all of the people involved in this story are white males.)

Boy: “Excuse me, you’re not allowed to go swimming right now. There’s no lifeguard on duty.”

(We’re fully clothed and not standing close to the water, so it should be reasonably obvious that we have no intention of going in. Nevertheless, I figure the kid is just trying to be helpful. I respond politely:)

Me: “Don’t worry; we weren’t planning to go swimming. Thanks anyway.”

(He seems satisfied with that answer and wanders off. We think this is the end of it and we go back to our conversation, but not three minutes later, the kid is back.)

Boy: “Excuse me. Are you three a gang?”

Me: “Um… no.”

Boy: “We don’t like gangs here. If you’re a gang, I’m going to have to kick you off the beach.”

(Too bewildered to say anything, we just stared at him in shock as he wandered away again. Not surprisingly, no one kicked us off the beach, but our newfound status as a “gang” became a running joke for several years thereafter.)

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A Whole Ocean Of Worry

, , , , | Friendly | September 30, 2019

(I’m walking along a beach with my mom on an island in the Bahamas, taking in the scenery and generally just soaking in the beautiful day. I mention to her that I’ve noticed people not walking the right way in the ocean — the right way being shuffling along and not taking big steps, so as not to step on a stingray and get stung. A woman nearby hears what I’ve said and looks at me, aghast.)

Woman: “You mean they don’t take those out of here?!”

Me: “What? The stingrays? Uh, no. This is the ocean. They live here?”

Woman: “Oh, my God!” *scurries back up the beach to a lounge chair and sits down*

(My mom and I shared a good WTF look. I understand people might not have heard about the best way to walk so as not to get stung, even though there were a few signs up and the brochures mentioned it, etc., but… it’s the ocean. You know, the wild? Where animals live? Some people are just… There are no words.)

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That’s What The Spam Bots WANT You To Think

, , , , | Related | January 21, 2019

(I’m at the beach with two cousins. They are discussing an important e-mail message that [Cousin #1] has received, and [Cousin #2] needs to see it.)

Cousin #2: “Don’t forget to forward [important e-mail] to me. Can you do it right now?”

Cousin #1: “Oh, right.”

([Cousin #1] takes out his phone and starts looking for the message. A few minutes later…)

Cousin #1: “I can’t find it; I’ll have to do it later when I get home. I think I put it in my spam folder.”

Cousin #2 & Me: *almost in unison* “Why would you put an important e-mail in your spam folder?!”

Cousin #1: “Because that’s where I put things. Where else would you like me to put it?”

(After a few more minutes of discussion, we found out that [Cousin #1] legitimately didn’t know what the spam folder was for and was using it to store all e-mails that he wanted to save. Thankfully, the important message was indeed there.)

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Unfiltered Story #136413

, , | Unfiltered | January 15, 2019

(I go to visit my 24-year-old best friend in Florida, because her boyfriend called me and told me he was going to propose. After he does so, offers her a ring, she takes it, hugs him, and then studies the ring.)

Her; what is this? *points to a small diamond on the band, that is reasonably sized*
Him; it’s a diamond! *grins*
Her; right. That’s a diamond… ha!
Him; babe, that ring cost $500!
Her; that’s not enough!
Him; what?!

She takes off the ring, and throws it into the sand, then stomps off. Her boyfriend looks at me and his friends who are standing with me, avoiding her family’s gaze. We go over to him, as her family follows him, and hug him. We hung out for the rest of my vacation, and my best friend got really angry with him. I ended up telling her to shut the f*** up, and just leave him alone, if she wanted to be such a greedy b****. Her boyfriend broke up with her then, and after a few months, visited me where I live, and we went out on a few dates. It didn’t work out, but we’re still good friends, and he did find a wife who loves her “small, cheap a** ring!” And finds the original proposal both disgusting and hilarious.

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Making Waves About The Flags

, , , , | Healthy | December 15, 2018

(I am a lifeguard. I have a lady come up to me while I am standing between the red and yellow flags.)

Lady: “Where is the safest place to swim on the beach?”

Me: “Between the flags.”

Lady: “No, it isn’t; there are waves there.”

Me: “Yes, that’s normal for a beach.”

(She then points over to a current on the beach.)

Lady: “That is safer, as there are no waves.”

Me: “No, that’s the most dangerous part of the beach, because of the current.”

Lady: *starting to get mad* “I think I should know where is safe, as I’m a lifeguard in Europe!”

Me: “No, that is a very unsafe spot.”

Lady: “I’ll show you.”

(Despite my protests, she swims out to the current, and she ends up getting sucked out the back of the surf and we have to rescue her.)

Lady: “I thought it was safe there!”

(Make sure to swim BETWEEN the red and yellow flags when at the beach in Australia!)

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