That’s What The Spam Bots WANT You To Think

, , , , , | Related | January 21, 2019

(I’m at the beach with two cousins. They are discussing an important e-mail message that [Cousin #1] has received, and [Cousin #2] needs to see it.)

Cousin #2: “Don’t forget to forward [important e-mail] to me. Can you do it right now?”

Cousin #1: “Oh, right.”

([Cousin #1] takes out his phone and starts looking for the message. A few minutes later…)

Cousin #1: “I can’t find it; I’ll have to do it later when I get home. I think I put it in my spam folder.”

Cousin #2 & Me: *almost in unison* “Why would you put an important e-mail in your spam folder?!”

Cousin #1: “Because that’s where I put things. Where else would you like me to put it?”

(After a few more minutes of discussion, we found out that [Cousin #1] legitimately didn’t know what the spam folder was for and was using it to store all e-mails that he wanted to save. Thankfully, the important message was indeed there.)

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Unfiltered Story #136413

, , | Unfiltered | January 15, 2019

(I go to visit my 24-year-old best friend in Florida, because her boyfriend called me and told me he was going to propose. After he does so, offers her a ring, she takes it, hugs him, and then studies the ring.)

Her; what is this? *points to a small diamond on the band, that is reasonably sized*
Him; it’s a diamond! *grins*
Her; right. That’s a diamond… ha!
Him; babe, that ring cost $500!
Her; that’s not enough!
Him; what?!

She takes off the ring, and throws it into the sand, then stomps off. Her boyfriend looks at me and his friends who are standing with me, avoiding her family’s gaze. We go over to him, as her family follows him, and hug him. We hung out for the rest of my vacation, and my best friend got really angry with him. I ended up telling her to shut the f*** up, and just leave him alone, if she wanted to be such a greedy b****. Her boyfriend broke up with her then, and after a few months, visited me where I live, and we went out on a few dates. It didn’t work out, but we’re still good friends, and he did find a wife who loves her “small, cheap a** ring!” And finds the original proposal both disgusting and hilarious.

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Making Waves About The Flags

, , , , , | Healthy | December 15, 2018

(I am a lifeguard. I have a lady come up to me while I am standing between the red and yellow flags.)

Lady: “Where is the safest place to swim on the beach?”

Me: “Between the flags.”

Lady: “No, it isn’t; there are waves there.”

Me: “Yes, that’s normal for a beach.”

(She then points over to a current on the beach.)

Lady: “That is safer, as there are no waves.”

Me: “No, that’s the most dangerous part of the beach, because of the current.”

Lady: *starting to get mad* “I think I should know where is safe, as I’m a lifeguard in Europe!”

Me: “No, that is a very unsafe spot.”

Lady: “I’ll show you.”

(Despite my protests, she swims out to the current, and she ends up getting sucked out the back of the surf and we have to rescue her.)

Lady: “I thought it was safe there!”

(Make sure to swim BETWEEN the red and yellow flags when at the beach in Australia!)

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You’ll Have Real PTSD From His Fake One

, , , , , , | Related | October 30, 2018

Many years ago, for my cousin’s wedding, my family got together at a beach house. My cousin’s father had passed away the previous year, so a family friend was called in to walk her down the aisle. Immediately things got awkward when the family friend’s 30-year-old son walked in with his 16-year-old girlfriend. We all had many suspicions about the son, starting with drugs and ending with murder, but it was all speculation. He just came across as that kind of person.

The night before the wedding, the bride decided she wanted one more night out. Her controlling and mentally abusive mother caused a huge scene about this. She said that her father would be disgusted with her, and that if the bride left she would disown her. Then my aunt turned to me, being 17 and impressionable, and said I was to tell her if they left the house.

We were all consoling my obviously upset cousin at this point, when suddenly the family friend’s son appeared. He said he talked to my aunt, and convinced her to let the bride go out with a few people who were of age. This included my brother, his girlfriend, the bride, and the son. I felt very strange about this, as my aunt is not the kind of person to change her mind. I said I wanted to talk to her, but the son got very confrontational, saying it was taken care of and that I didn’t need to cause anymore drama. So, against my better judgment, I let them go.

I stayed awake, restless, while all the adults slept. Finally, an hour later, the bride and my brother’s girlfriend returned in a panic. Apparently they met up with the groom and groomsmen while out for some extra fun. The son got drunk and started having “PTSD flashbacks of the war,” which caused him to become belligerent. One of the groomsmen stepped in to calm him down, and the son punched him and pulled a knife. My brother restrained the son and told everyone to get out, telling his girlfriend to take the bride home.

Now I was panicking, and my brother wasn’t answering his phone. He was out at night with an armed and psychotic drunk. So, I did something I really didn’t want to. I woke up my parents and told them what happened. Immediately, they leapt into action, jumping in the car with my brother’s girlfriend to look for him. My cousin and I were told to get in a room and lock the door. We were scared, holding each other, when we heard stomping and screaming upstairs. My aunt had woken up.

For the next half hour, we had no idea what was going on. We were trapped in a room, listening to the world blowing up around us. People were running around, no one was answering their phones, and my aunt was screaming at us through the door. I’ve blocked out most of the words my aunt spat at us that night, but I know she was yelling about leaving the family.

Eventually, my parents came back and told us to open the door. My brother was fine. He had managed to disarm and talk down the son, and they were walking around outside when my parents got there. The son’s father got him in the car, and they went home and put him to bed on the air mattress my parents brought. The next morning he was so embarrassed that he wouldn’t show his face to the family. The air mattress was ruined by multiple tears and fluids.

The 16-year-old girlfriend did make an appearance at the wedding, but it was brief. The son was nowhere to be found. His parents apologized profusely for his actions, and told us he had never been in the military, let alone a war. Still, the wedding went off without a problem. My aunt stayed for it all and apologized years down the line for how she acted. My cousin is still happily married, and has a small child now. I’m just hoping I don’t have to attend another wedding for a long, long time.

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When Mom Has The Fin-al Word

, , , , , , | Related | October 28, 2018

When I was ten years old, my parents decided we were going to the beach the following weekend. Mom and I went shopping for toys to take with us and I wound up getting my first ever boogie board. I’d seen other kids use them at the beach on a previous trip and I was super excited to finally have one of my own.

We got to the beach, set up our spots, and I hit the water, paddling on my brand-new boogie board. In my excitement, I wound up going further than I normally would and turned back to the shore where Mom was, to see how far out I had gotten. It turns out I was far enough to not to be able to hear Mom yelling at me, but close enough to make out what she was doing. I saw her waving at me. I waved back, thinking Mom was saying, “Hi.” She kept waving, and so did I; I wasn’t a very bright ten-year-old, apparently.

Then she pointed in my direction.  

I turned around to see a series of fins circling behind me. I knew what that meant, and swam as fast as I could back to shore.

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