I work as a beach lifeguard. I am ending my shift and signing out at the office for the day. Meanwhile, my manager is being confronted by a member of the public at the door. She looks livid.

Woman: “My boyfriend applied to be a lifeguard, and you said no!”

Manager: “We get a lot of applicants. What was his name?”

Woman: “[Boyfriend].”

Manager: “Oh, yeah. He was not… suitable for the role.”

Woman: “You failed him for his drug test!”

Manager: “I’m not permitted to—”

Woman: “I don’t take drugs! So you’re lying about that!”

Manager: “Wait… you… don’t…”

Woman: “He’d done, like, maybe a couple of joints the weekend before. It shouldn’t be a big deal! He used my pee instead for your stupid drug test, and it was clean, and you still said no, so you lied!”

Manager: “Ma’am, we didn’t reject him because there were drugs in his drug test. We rejected him because we knew he wasn’t using his own urine.”

Woman: “And how did you know that?!”

Manager: “Because it’s very unlikely that he is pregnant.”

The woman’s face goes pale. An eternity of silence passes between the two of them.

Manager: “Congratulations?”

Related:
¡Que Embarazada!, Part 3
¡Que Embarazada!, Part 2
¡Que Embarazada!

While I’m Portuguese, my husband is American, so we speak English at home so our kids are fluent in both languages.

Around 10:00 one morning, I took all four kids for a swim at a nearby natural pool, as the sun wasn’t too strong and there were not too many people. There was us, the lifeguard, and this American couple with two young boys, who were already packing up.

Young Boy: “Mom, why did we come so early?”

Mom: *Pointing at us* “So we didn’t have to share the water with these filthy Mexicans.”

Then, she turned toward me and said in horribly mangled Spanish:

Mom: “Agua muy buena.” (Water very good.)

One of my younger daughters, who’s three, just loudly asked me, in English:

Daughter: “Mommy, why is that lady calling us Messcans?”

The woman turned such a strong shade of red that you would think she had a sunburn.

Related:

If You Wouldn’t Say It To Their Face, Don’t Say It Near Their Ears, Part 3
If You Wouldn’t Say It To Their Face, Don’t Say It Near Their Ears, Part 2
If You Wouldn’t Say It To Their Face, Don’t Say It Near Their Ears

I work at a beach snack bar. At the end of the day, we clean off the deck we have by sweeping and hosing off sand and things of that nature. We also rope off the entrances to the deck, take down the “OPEN” flag, and close the shutters to the windows. However, even given all these signs, almost EVERY DAY people ask as we are cleaning up:

Customer: “Are you closed?”

Me: *Looking around at all the evidence* “Sorry, yes.”

Customer: *Pushing against the rope* “Are you sure?”

Related:
Not So Closed Minded, Part 34
Not So Closed Minded, Part 33
Not So Closed Minded, Part 32
Not So Closed Minded, Part 31
Not So Closed Minded, Part 30

I’m a lifeguard at a beach on the “Jersey shore” as the tourists call it.

I see my coworker having a heated conversation with a beachgoer. As I approach them, the beachgoer shouts some profanity, kicks some sand, and storms off.

Me: “What was that all about?” 

Coworker: “Oh, he wanted to know what time the dolphins were scheduled to be swimming by.”

I lifeguard for the city of Laguna Beach, just south of Los Angeles, when I am home from college during summer. I am chatting with a tourist who is asking about my job when they spot and point to Catalina Island, which is approximately twenty-two miles away.

Tourist: “Wow! Hawaii looks so big from here!”

Me: *Stifling my laughter.* “That’s just a local island. Hawaii is considerably further away.”

Tourist: “So Hawaii is behind that?”

Me: “Technically?”

The tourist thanks me for my time and I go to relieve my coworker.

Coworker: “What did they say that is making you laugh?”

I relay the story.

Coworker: “Yeah I spoke to them earlier. They’re from Arizona and they spotted the glare coming off the houses on Palos Verdes point—” *Approximately fifty miles north.* “—and they said, “Oh geez, look at all that snow on Alaska!” I laughed thinking they were joking, but based on what you just told me I am thinking otherwise.”