Tough Little Ship

, , , , , | Friendly | September 17, 2018

(There is a drive-on beach in my town. People sometimes get their cars stuck in the sand, and are then anxious to get them free before the tide comes in. One day we are there in our Samurai, about the smallest 4WD truck ever made. We see this huge SUV, with a boat trailer, which has gotten stuck at water’s edge. It’s been spinning its tires so much that now there’s water under them, as the truck’s belly rests on the sand. A young man in a huge pickup truck with plastic “balls” on it has tried to pull him out, breaking his tow rope.)

Young Man: “Sorry, old man, you’re stuck!”

Me: “Mind if I give it a try?”

Stuck Man: “Please do!”

Young Man: “Are you kidding? Is that thing even all-wheel drive?!”

Me: “It’ll work. Can I use your truck as a dead-weight?”

(I use my winch and snatch block — big pulley — and pull the SUV right out, trailer and all.)

Stuck Man: “Wow, you really know what you are doing! That is a fantastic little truck!”

Young Man: “Grr…”

Me: *a minute later, to my daughter* “I should have ripped those balls off his truck and said, ‘You won’t be needing these anymore!’”

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Sunscreen: Factor 40%

, , , , , | Right | July 6, 2018

(I work as a lifeguard on a beach resort. The beach is privately owned, but there is no admission; the resort makes money off of vendors. No outside alcohol is allowed in the area, and any alcohol must be drunk in the bar. Absolutely no alcohol is allowed on the beach itself, but people try to sneak stuff in all the time. They think they are being sneaky by putting it in strange bottles, but it’s pretty obvious to us when you start drinking out of your sunscreen. I see one woman pouring something out of her sunscreen into a cup. I approach her and realize she reeks of alcohol.)

Me: “Ma’am, you need to leave. We don’t allow alcohol on the beach.”

Drunk Woman: “What? What alcohol?”

Me: “In your sunscreen.”

Drunk Woman: “That’s sunscreen!”

(She picks it up and waves it in my face.)

Me: “Please show me.”

Drunk Woman: “I don’t have to show you anything. You work for me; I pay your salary!”

Me: “This is a free park. You haven’t paid anything.”

Drunk Woman: “I pay my taxes, and you work for the park!”

Me: “My salary is paid by the vendors, who ban outside alcohol. I need that bottle.”

(The drunk woman throws her bottle into the water.)

Drunk Woman: “F*** you! I don’t have any alcohol anymore; you can’t do anything!”

(I page security, and go after the flask, so a kid doesn’t get to it. Suddenly, she runs past me and frantically begins splashing around, screaming:)

Drunk Woman: “You can’t prove anything without the bottle!”

(Security attempted to stop her, but it’s hard to restrain someone in the water. She kept wriggling out of their grip, and managed to lose her swimsuit along the way. Eventually I found the bottle and held it up, and she came after me. I ran for the lifeguard tower with the drunk woman and security following. I climbed up the tower and watched as security chased her on the beach until they tackled her and hauled her away. Later, I heard the police charged her with public drunkenness and assault.)

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Mahu Do You Think You Are?

, , , , , , | Friendly | April 7, 2018

(My family are native Hawaiians, and we live in Hawaii. Since we work hard to keep our culture alive, it didn’t upset us when my identical twin came out to be mahu, or what other cultures would describe as transgender. While some would take hormone pills or surgery, he never does that. Instead, he feels okay with a binder, short hair, and correct clothing. While this has confused people, he has been more than happy to explain it. This happens at the beach, where the two of us decide to hang out with my female friends. Of course, one of them does get confused by my brother, so he explains it to her.)

Female Friend: “I just don’t get it. I mean, I do. But why did you guys stop believing in it?”

(Before he can explain it to her, a beach ball lands near us. He picks it up, and we see a man running up to us.)

Man: “Hey, babe, you mind throwing that here?”

Brother: *tosses the ball* “Sure thing, but I’m not a babe.”

Man: “Aw, don’t sell yourself short. Hey, how about your hot self joins my friends and me in a friendly game?”

(It’s at this point I can feel a confrontation happening, so I get up and stand right next to him.)

Me: “Hey, do you mind backing off from my brother?”

(And just like that, you can see the man’s face go from perverted to disgusted in a matter of seconds.)

Man: “That’s wrong. She doesn’t even look like a dude.”

Me: “That’s your opinion. How about you keep it to yourself?”

Brother: “I just don’t want to get any treatments. Doesn’t make me less of a man. Our culture believes in this.”

Man: “Your culture is wrong. You want to know what dictates a man or a woman? This.”

(And just like that, the man tries to touch my brother in a very personal area. I stop him by punching him before he does. He falls to the sand, and I can hear our friends behind us shrieking.)

Man: “You’re going to Hell, you know that?!”

Me: “Sorry, but we don’t believe in Hell.”

(He stomps off, and the both of us walk back to our friends. I worry about my brother being upset, but the first thing he says once we get back to our friends is:)

Brother: “And that is why we stopped believing in it.”

(We all burst out laughing, and the rest of our time at the beach was amazing.)

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There’s Something Fishy About This Place

, , , | Right | February 14, 2018

(I am lifeguarding at a beach. While going to talk to a child regarding some of our rules, I am stopped by a teenage girl.)

Girl: “Excuse me!”

Me: “Yes, what’s going on?”

Girl: *clearly concerned* “There is a fish in the water!”

Me: “Well, yes. This is the ocean. Fish tend to live in the ocean.”

Girl: “Oh… Wait, this is the ocean?”

Me: “I’m sorry. I need to go speak with another patron. Have a great day.”

(The girl then saw a fish again and screamed, before fully exiting the water for good.)

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A Life-Guarded Sense Of Self

, , , , , | Working | February 12, 2018

(I am a seasonal surf lifesaver at a beach popular with tourists. I have just pulled a child, who was screaming and flailing about, out of deep water, and brought him on to the sand.)

Mother: “Oh, my goodness! How did that happen?”

Me: “You okay, buddy?”

Kid: “Yeah.”

Me: “What were you doing out that far?”

Kid: “I kind of just doggy paddled, then when I put my feet down there was no, like, bottom.”

Me: “Ah. Did you swallow any water?”

Kid: “Nah.”

Mother: “How did this happen?”

Me: “Maybe when he’s ready to go back in, it would be best to have an adult in with him.”

Mother: “You saying this is my fault?”

Me: “No, I’m saying that he may not be a strong enough swimmer to be swimming alone in the ocean just yet.”

Mother: “He swims in the lake at home all the time!”

Me: “A lake and an ocean are very different.”

Mother: “All I’m saying is, this wouldn’t happen back home. Kids just don’t drown in America.”

Me: “Just make sure someone is with him if he goes back in the water, okay?”

Mother: “Oh, so, you’re the beach police, now?”

Me: “Yeah, actually, I am.”

Mother: “Smarta**.”

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