I’m working as a lifeguard near the shallow end when a woman storms up to me.

Customer: *Loudly.* “Excuse me! My son just slipped near the pool. Aren’t you supposed to be stopping that?!”

Me: “He was running. We’ve got signs posted, announcements every fifteen minutes, and I personally told him twice.”

Customer: “Well, clearly that’s not enough, because he fell. Maybe if you weren’t sitting there doing nothing, this wouldn’t have happened.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m watching fifty kids and a body of water. If I stop your son from ignoring rules, I stop being a lifeguard and start being a babysitter.”

Customer: “So that’s it? No apology?”

Me: “No, ma’am. But if you’d like, I can show you the rule he broke; it’s written right next to the one about adult supervision.”

I’m working as a lifeguard at a neighborhood outdoor pool during a hot summer weekend. It’s packed, with kids everywhere and the sound of splash battles nonstop.

A woman marches up to the lifeguard stand, arms crossed, clearly not having the day she imagined.

Customer: “Excuse me. There are children splashing in the water.”

Me: “Yup… that does tend to happen in pools.”

Customer: “Well, I came here to relax, not to get wet. They’re splashing near my chair.”

Me: “You’re seated next to the shallow end. That’s usually the splashiest zone.”

Customer: “Then do something. Isn’t that what you’re here for?”

Me: “I’m here to make sure nobody drowns, ma’am.”

Customer: *With a dramatic sigh.* “This would never happen at the Four Seasons.”

Me: “Ma’am, if you want dry peace and quiet, may I suggest literally anywhere but a neighborhood outdoor pool during summer break?”

She tried to find someone higher up to complain to, until she realized I’m employed by the HOA, of which she is a member. Later, the head of the HOA told me her grievance was essentially “You’re basically complaining that water is wet,” and was told to go to a spa if she was that bothered by it.

A beachgoing couple approaches my lifeguard hut. One of them speaks to me, sounding concerned.

Beachgoer: “I think some pranksters have put up some fake signs along the beach.”

Me: “What signs are those? What do they say?”

Beachgoer: “Honestly, it’s crazy to even say out loud, but something about sharks being in the waters.”

Me: “Those are real signs. We put signs out on the beach to indicate that several sharks have been spotted in the area and swimmers are to be vigilant.”

Beachgoer: “…seriously?”

Me: “Seriously. Florida has a lot of sharks, so please be vigilant when in the water. You should be fine, but it doesn’t hurt to—”

Beachgoer: “Sharks are extinct! Like dinosaurs!”

Me: “Uh… that is definitely not the case. Sharks are very much not extinct, and are common in these waters.”

Beachgoer: “Is this a joke? Sharks died out because the asteroid hit the water all those years ago! I went to a museum and saw a shark skeleton and everything!”

Me: “I can totally believe that you saw a skeleton in a museum, but sharks are still very much a thing.”

Beachgoer: “What complete horse s***. I bet you watched Jaws and thought it was real too?”

Me: “That movie is fiction, but the Great White is a real shark. The movie might have used a larger-than-average example of the species but it’s a real living shark.”

Beachgoer: “You have no business being a lifeguard and saving lives if you don’t know basic information about the ocean!”

The beachgoer starts walking away, complaining to their partner:

Beachgoer: “Ridiculous! What’s he going to say next, that jellyfish are real too?”

CONTENT WARNING: Gross (Feces)

I was a lifeguard at the local pool in high school. Something that happens more often than anyone wants to think about is fouling — someone pooing or vomiting in the pool. When this happened, we sent everyone in the affected pool to go shower with soap and water, we scooped out the poo, and then the pool remained closed for an hour to allow the chlorine to clean it.

One time this happened, and then one of the dads came back out on deck with his toddler, a little girl around two years old. They tried to go back into the pool that was fouled (despite signs indicating it was closed). 

Me: “Excuse me, sir. That pool is currently closed.”

Man: “Why is it closed? My daughter wants to swim in it.”

Me: “Sir, you were just sent out of that pool due to a fouling. It’s closed for the next hour.”

Man: “Why is it closed?”

Me: “Sir, someone pooed in the pool. It’s closed.”

Man: “Can’t we swim in it anyway?”

Me: “No, sir. There isn’t even currently a lifeguard assigned to this pool.”

Man: “Well, can’t you watch it? I don’t see what the problem is.”

Me: “Sir, no, I can’t. The pool is closed. Please, use one of the other pools.”

Man: “We came here for this one!”

Me: “Sir, there’s poo in this pool. You cannot use it. It is closed. There are no lifeguards on this pool. No lifeguard wants to guard a pool with poo in it because we’d have to go in if there was an emergency. You cannot swim in this pool.”

Eventually, he got the idea. But seriously, who wants their toddler to go in a pool that someone just pooed in?

Related:
Please Do Not Put The “Poo” In “Pool”

CONTENT WARNING: Gross (Urine/Feces)

You always get that one patron who makes your job less enjoyable. When I was a lifeguard at a pool, it was this mom.

She had four kids, and all of them took swimming lessons. Every time they came to the pool, they would almost always leave bits of trash and food in the patio area. The two oldest were pretty well-behaved, but the two youngest caused problems. They were not good at following directions. The few times [Mom] bothered to watch her kids’ swimming lessons, she would oh-so-helpfully yell at them to follow directions.

One time, I was at the check-in desk, and [Mom] and the youngest son were in the patio area. I must mention that the youngest son was around four, or at least an age where he should have been fully potty-trained. I noticed that the son was crying and saying something to [Mom], who immediately grabbed a bag and led her son to the bathroom. As they did, I saw something fall out of the son’s swim trunks. Yep, you guessed it. I scrambled to get cleaning stuff.

When [Mom] and son returned, I was still cleaning. There were a few women sitting nearby, and they told [Mom] what had happened. [Mom] just shrugged and did not offer to help me clean or even apologize. Once I was done cleaning, I went to hose off the area just for good measure. I had to move some of [Mom] and her kid’s stuff.

Me: “Sorry, I’m just going to move some of this real quick to hose off the deck.”

Mom: “Oh, it’s just water.”

Again, she did not lift one finger to help me. Not to mention that the “water” heading her way might have some traces of cleaning product and other particles in it!

I later told my supervisor what had happened. She promised she would talk to [Mom] about it. She made good on her word, and she told me [Mom] would apologize to me the next time she saw me.

A few days later, I was working the check-in desk again. The four kids were eating by themselves in the patio area while [Mom] was who knows where. As I was watching them, the youngest son stood with a leg out, and liquid came out of the leg of his trunks. As I was staring in disbelief, he grabbed some crackers, dropped them in the puddle, and moved as if to smash the crackers with his hands. As he was about to, he noticed me watching and grinned at me!

Me: “Do not touch that!”

I rushed to grab cleaning supplies once again. I told the kids to move somewhere else while I cleaned. I finished the job and returned to the check-in desk. One of the other lifeguards was inside, too, and I warned him.

Me: “You know the mom with the four kids? The youngest son doesn’t know to run to the bathroom when he needs to go, so just keep an eye on him.”

The lifeguard agreed but then suddenly looked behind me. I had been standing with my back to the door that led outside to the pool. Who should be standing in the doorway but [Mom] with her youngest son in tow? I swear, Steven Spielberg couldn’t have scripted it better.

Mom: “Were you talking about me?”

Whelp, no time to lie now.

Me: “Yeah.”

Mom: “You know, I came here to apologize about the other day because [Supervisor] talked to me, but I don’t think I will.”

She proceeded to launch into a full-blown rant about basically how it wasn’t her fault. Her poor son started crying as the rant became longer and louder. I decided to pick my battles and just kept my mouth shut. I let her blow off steam. The one sentence that stood out to me was:

Mom: “Kids pee all the time!”

When she ran out of steam, I just kissed her a** and apologized. We eventually got to a compromise where she agreed to help clean up after her kids. The whole time I saw her for the rest of that summer, I think I only saw her pick up a single gummy candy one of her kids dropped.

Luckily, that summer was the last time I saw [Mom] and her kids at the pool. I did see them one time the next year. They were sitting in a lobby. It was a hot day, and one of her kids was wearing a Harry Potter robe. As I was trying not to stare in disbelief at how this kid was allowed outside wearing that heavy thing, the mom got up and said to her kids:

Mom: “All right, let’s go, you idjits.”

My only hope is that those kids can get far away from their mom when they’re old enough.