A Sink Or Swim Comment

, , , | Learning | September 28, 2017

(I see a girl who needs help swimming. I offer my services to her parents, and we make arrangements for me to teach her at the pool. After a few weeks, she is completely confident and enjoys going to the deep end. The following happens when we are walking down to the shallow end.)

Girl: *looks up at lifeguard* “You know, I think I want to be a lifeguard when I’m older.”

(This makes me feel very proud as her instructor, as she used to be terrified of the water, and I am about to encourage her in this endeavour. I don’t get a chance to because she looks at me and says:)

Girl: “I think you’ll be dead by then.”

(I was not expecting this comment, so I burst out laughing and asked her how old she thought I was. She simply shrugged. Later, I told her parents what she said and I watched her mom practically double over with laughter.)

Winging It Can Be Armful

| CO, USA | Friendly | March 21, 2014

(My friend and I are both working as lifeguards at a local reservoir. It’s a slow day at the swimming beach and we’re chatting while we wait for things to pick up. I’m watching the gulls and the geese walking around, and for some reason I’m wondering what it would be like if humans had wings instead of arms. My brain, however, comes out with something completely different.)

Me: “I wonder what it would be like if human beings only had two arms.”

Friend: “Something you want to tell me?”

Weekend Roundup: Attack Of The Tax!

, , , , , | Not Always Right | Right | April 22, 2012

Attack Of The Tax! Tax season may be over in the U.S., but what happens when you mix clueless customers and too-high taxes? A ca-tax-trophe, that’s what!

  1. War Can Be Taxing:
    The Revolutionary War of 2012: Founding Fathers doing revolutions in their graves due to a brainless populace!
  2. Taxation With Agitation:
    It’s like the Boston Tea Party…except in a gas station…in Tennessee…
  3. Bacon, Lettuce, and Taxes:
    We know that fast food customers will eat anything, but we never knew taxes could be tasty!
  4. Taxing Customers:
    However you add things up, this retail customer is minus a few brain cells.
  5. Fortunately, It’s Raining Pork Barrels And Earmarks:
    Wonder where your tax dollars go? To humongous, lake-covering umbrellas, of course!

PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!

PS #2: Read more roundups here!

Maybe He’s Molting

| | Right | April 11, 2009

(Many young couples with young children belong to my pool, and many of them ask a lot of questions. A man leads his 6-year-old son into our guard office.)

Pool patron: “Excuse me, ma’am?”

Me: “Yes sir? Can I help you?”

Pool patron: “I’m very scared my son is in trouble.”

Me: “Is he okay? Did he hurt himself in the pool? Are there any major injuries?”

Pool patron: “His skin is all wrinkled and soft. It feels strange. Is it going to fall off?”

Me: “Sir, that happens to everyone’s skin who has been in water for an extended period of time.”

Pool patron: “So his skin won’t fall off, right?”

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Better Off Popular

| | Right | February 23, 2009

(I was lifeguarding and jumped in to help a boy who had wandered into deep water. This interaction happened with his mother after I helped the boy out of the water.)

Mother: *running over* “What happened?!”

Me: “Everything is OK, ma’am. Your son just went too deep into the water. He should be fine.”

Mother: “Well, why the h*** did you help him?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Mother: “Why did you have to jump in and help him?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, it’s my job, and your son was having trouble swimming–”

Mother: *interrupting* “You idiot! You embarrassed my son in front of everyone! Don’t you think you should have thought about how embarrassing that must have been for a little boy?!”

Me: “Actually, no I didn’t think about that. I was more concerned about your son drowning than him being embarrassed.”

Mother: “That’s ridiculous! Why the h*** would you ever be more concerned about THAT?!”

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