She’ll Flatten You In A Minute

, , , , | Friendly | January 29, 2019

(I am a regular swimming laps at the pool and some of the lifeguards who overlap with my swimming schedule recognize me. During my first trimester of pregnancy, however, I am feeling too sick to swim, and take a break. Once reaching my second trimester, I am feeling better and decide to come back to swim some laps. I am generally in very good shape, and at this point in my pregnancy, I’m not showing much. I can tell that I have a little bit extra on my abdomen, but people who are not very well acquainted with my body probably wouldn’t be able to tell.)

Lifeguard: “Hello! Long time no see.”

Me: “Yeah, it’s good to be back.”

Lifeguard: *looks me up and down* “Don’t you worry. We’ll get your tummy nice and flat again soon!”

Me: “Well, it’s going to get a lot less flat first. I’m actually pregnant!”

Lifeguard: “You don’t have to lie. We all fall off the workout wagon sometimes. No judgement here!”

Me: “No, I literally am pregnant.”

(Either way, 20-something-year-old, male lifeguard, maybe you should just not make comments.)

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A Sink Or Swim Comment

, , , | Learning | September 28, 2017

(I see a girl who needs help swimming. I offer my services to her parents, and we make arrangements for me to teach her at the pool. After a few weeks, she is completely confident and enjoys going to the deep end. The following happens when we are walking down to the shallow end.)

Girl: *looks up at lifeguard* “You know, I think I want to be a lifeguard when I’m older.”

(This makes me feel very proud as her instructor, as she used to be terrified of the water, and I am about to encourage her in this endeavour. I don’t get a chance to because she looks at me and says:)

Girl: “I think you’ll be dead by then.”

(I was not expecting this comment, so I burst out laughing and asked her how old she thought I was. She simply shrugged. Later, I told her parents what she said and I watched her mom practically double over with laughter.)

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Winging It Can Be Armful

| Friendly | March 21, 2014

(My friend and I are both working as lifeguards at a local reservoir. It’s a slow day at the swimming beach and we’re chatting while we wait for things to pick up. I’m watching the gulls and the geese walking around, and for some reason I’m wondering what it would be like if humans had wings instead of arms. My brain, however, comes out with something completely different.)

Me: “I wonder what it would be like if human beings only had two arms.”

Friend: “Something you want to tell me?”

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Weekend Roundup: Attack Of The Tax!

, , , , , | Right | April 22, 2012

Attack Of The Tax! Tax season may be over in the U.S., but what happens when you mix clueless customers and too-high taxes? A ca-tax-trophe, that’s what!

  1. War Can Be Taxing:
    The Revolutionary War of 2012: Founding Fathers doing revolutions in their graves due to a brainless populace!
  2. Taxation With Agitation:
    It’s like the Boston Tea Party…except in a gas station…in Tennessee…
  3. Bacon, Lettuce, and Taxes:
    We know that fast food customers will eat anything, but we never knew taxes could be tasty!
  4. Taxing Customers:
    However you add things up, this retail customer is minus a few brain cells.
  5. Fortunately, It’s Raining Pork Barrels And Earmarks:
    Wonder where your tax dollars go? To humongous, lake-covering umbrellas, of course!

PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!

PS #2: Read more roundups here!

Maybe He’s Molting

, , , | Right | April 11, 2009

(Many young couples with young children belong to my pool, and many of them ask a lot of questions. A man leads his six-year-old son into our guard office.)

Pool Patron: “Excuse me, ma’am?”

Me: “Yes, sir? Can I help you?”

Pool Patron: “I’m very scared my son is in trouble.”

Me: “Is he okay? Did he hurt himself in the pool? Are there any major injuries?”

Pool Patron: “His skin is all wrinkled and soft. It feels strange. Is it going to fall off?”

Me: “Sir, that happens to everyone’s skin who has been in water for an extended period of time.”

Pool Patron: “So, his skin won’t fall off, right?”

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