An older woman is checking out at my register. She has her granddaughter with her, who seems to be about three or four. Grandma places a bottle of red wine on the belt.

Granddaughter: “You can’t drink that. That’s mommy juice!”

I smile while the grandmother laughs a little.

Grandmother: “Is that what Mommy calls it?”

Granddaughter: “Uh-huh. Mommy says it’s just for mommies, and you’re grandmommy.”

Grandmother: “Well, I’m your momma’s mommy, so I’m still a mommy.”

The granddaughter mulls this over.

Granddaughter: “Okay, a little bit, then.”

Grandmother: “That’s good.”

Granddaughter: “Momma buys way more than you anyway. Like—” *holding her little hands out as wide as they’ll go* “—this many!”

Grandmother: *To me* “She’s not an alcoholic, I swear.”

Granddaughter: “Momma says that to the grocery store lady, too!”

A customer is signing out a car he has rented from our site at the airport. As he is signing the insurance paperwork, I feel I have to mention something. Normally, I wouldn’t, but since it’s a Saint Patrick’s Day weekend, our town is known for partying, and the customer is wearing a big green “Kiss me! I’m Irish!” shirt, I feel compelled to.

Me: “Sir, just to let you know, the insurance is void if any damage comes to the car while you’ve got any trace of alcohol in your system — and I do mean ‘any’. Some people think you need to be intoxicated, but the insurance paperwork makes it quite clear that you can’t have any in your system at all.”

Customer: *Not looking up, still signing forms* “Okay, so, just the one whiskey, then.”

Me: “Sir, obviously you can drink what you want, but I just need to let you know that if you do drink and drive, the insurance no longer covers you.”

Customer: *Still not looking up* “Okay, so, no whiskey, then, just a couple of shots.”

Is he toying with me?

Me: “I’m afraid that will still count, sir.”

Customer: *Handing over all the signed forms* “Fine, just some beers, then.”

Me: “Have a good weekend, sir.”

Customer: “I will have a good weekend because, unlike most of the fake posers in this city, I actually am descended from Irish immigrants. I can handle my liquor! It’s in my blood!”

Me: “Which is exactly the thing that would invalidate the insurance. Please have a safe and responsible weekend!”

Customer: “You wouldn’t know; you’re Black. You guys can’t hold down your liquor like you can’t hold down jobs.”

Me: “Okay… that was uncalled for. Your car is in bay forty-one. Goodbye.”

The customer smirked and rushed off.

Guess who came back on Monday looking terrible and smelling of booze? And guess who had scratched the car on the side so badly that it actually looked like it had been done on purpose? And guess who couldn’t get us to cover the insurance on it because they seemed so intoxicated we actually had to call the police because we’d no doubt just witnessed an obvious DUI?

And guess who said, “I guess I’m holding down my job better than you’re holding down your liquor,” as they were told just how expensive the repair bill was likely to be?

I played music for a living for nearly twenty years and always played New Year’s Eve. Fellow musicians and I call it “Amateur Night” because that’s when people who never drink, drink to excess.

If you frequent a local bar often, you’ll notice the regulars who are almost always there tend to leave around 7 PM or 8 PM on New Year’s Eve, because people who can’t handle their alcohol will be getting drunk soon. It’s always a madhouse, with people barfing in the bathrooms and just being idiots.

On Dec. 31, 1999, the band I was in had just finished our second set and was outside to catch a smoke and some fresh air before seeing in the year 2000, when a very drunk young woman came up to me.

Woman: *Yelling.* “You have to get me back in the bar; the bartender threw me out!”

Me: “There’s no way that’s happening because you’re banned.”

And just like that, she proceeded to take a huge bite out of my arm!

Now I’m a peaceful man who, to protect myself, flung this woman to the ground and went back inside.

An hour later, a policeman came in and stopped our set saying they were arresting me. They took me outside and there was the crazy drunk standing next to the police car and smiling. She showed them bruises on her arm and face where I flung her to the ground and she was filing charges for assault.

I showed the cop her bite mark and had my bandmates as witnesses that I acted in self-defense. The bartender also, stated that she was thrown out for being unruly. She stood there bewildered as to why she was being handcuffed and started crying as they put her in the car.

We went in and finished the show and that was the last New Year’s Eve I ever booked.

The president of our company got completely plastered at our company’s Christmas party. His speech started off funny because he was slurring hard and he was playing on it.

Then, he started talking about how he had come from nothing and become something. Then, he proceeded to tell us how if it wasn’t for us working so hard and keeping our clients happy, he wouldn’t have been able to accomplish building his mega-mansion for himself and his family, nor would he have been able to afford his new Mercedes-Benz.

Things got really quiet among the employees, and there was some awkward and disgruntled muttering among the employees. The president became vaguely aware that something had gone south, but his inebriation kept him from figuring it out. Ramping up his false cheer, he then dropped this gem.

President: “Drink up and enjoy, because due to budget cuts, the future Christmas party and bonus budget is canceled from here on out!”

I’m amazed no one got up and punched him in the face or told him what they REALLY thought of him. Many of my coworkers relied on that bonus, and absolutely no one was impressed.

Except for one person, the rest of us quit within the first few months into the new year. The boss, who had apparently been blackout drunk, seemed very confused that he lost so much of his staff in such short order.

It’s closing time at our store, and the closing manager is cleaning the bathrooms. The following exchange happens over our store’s walkie-talkies.

Manager: “Someone’s been drinking beer and wine in the bathrooms.”

Coworker: “Beer and wine?”

Manager: “Yes! I found an empty beer can and a tiny wine bottle in the trash. But, like, the menstrual product trash.”

Me: “Don’t you love working retail?”

Manager: “Oh, yeah. You think you’ve seen it all, and then you find teenagers charging their laptops in the bathroom.”

There was a long pause, and then…

Me: “Is that a euphemism?”

The manager assured me that it was not. Also, our store doesn’t sell alcohol or electronics.