(We are working the drive-thru at dinner time, at a restaurant known for soups and sandwiches.)
Order Taker: “Thank you for choosing [Restaurant]. This is [Order Taker]. What can I get for you?”
Customer: “Can I get that steak and areola sandwich?”
(It took everything we had not to laugh!)
(My mom, dad, and I are all out driving on a shopping trip. It should be noted that while my dad is intelligent, he’s never had much fondness for honing his reading skills.)
Dad: *glancing at passing storefronts* “Hmm, we should try out that new pasta place sometime.”
Mom: *confused* “What new pasta place?”
Dad: “Right there, with the big neon sign for their linguine!”
Me: “Um, Dad? That’s a ‘Lover’s Lane’ store, and the word on the sign is pronounced ‘lingerie’!”
(I love my husband to pieces, but when he’s sleep-deprived, the absolute dumbest crap comes out of his mouth. Example: After working multiple night shifts as a police officer on an incredibly busy holiday weekend, he insists on coming with me to my first sonogram appointment instead of getting some much-needed rack time.)
Technician: “Okay, there’s your baby’s head! And… oh, my.”
Me: “What? What’s wrong?”
Technician: “Oh, there’s another one in there!”
Husband: *horrified* “Our baby has two heads?!”
Me: *forcing down the laughter* “No, honey, we’re having twins. I think I’m driving us home.”
Husband: *face firmly in palm* “Okay, yeah, that’s fair.”
(An older couple enters the store looking for the bottled water that was on sale this week. I grab one of the ad papers and go over it with them.)
Me: “Looks like our store brand for $2.50, or [Brand] for $3.95 this week.”
Woman: “I don’t know what he wants. It’s for my handicapped son. He can’t come inside. Can I take this paper out to him?”
Me: “Sure.”
(We get a stack of ads, probably 20 times what we go through in a week; she could easily take it home with her and I won’t miss it. She takes the ad out, and I check to make sure the water was in stock, but we are out.)
Me: *to myself* “Well, this’ll be fun.”
(She comes back in to join her husband, and they find the water section, where I am waiting for them.)
Me: “I’m sorry, but if it was the [Brand] water you were looking for, it looks like we’re out.”
Woman: “This is ridiculous. How can you be out?”
Me: “Well… our vendor hasn’t come yet to deliver—”
Woman: “You know, this happens every time we come to one of your stores. I might as well switch to somewhere else. What about the tea that’s on sale? You got that?”
Me: “Yes, we do, right over here.” *points it out*
Woman: “Well, at least you’ve got that.” *continues muttering about being out of water everywhere, while we go to the register* “And I guess it would be impossible for you to call ahead to the other store to see if they have that water before I waste a trip all the way out there, huh?”
Me: “Not at all. Just let me run back and find their number, and I’ll go ahead and give them a call for you.”
(I do that, and check the couple out at the same time. The other store doesn’t have the water in stock, either.)
Me: “I’m sorry, but it sounds like they’re out of [Brand], too.”
Woman: *really angry and annoyed sigh* “I know, it’s not your fault it’s out of stock. I’ll just have to tell my handicapped son you don’t have it. The water’s for him. I don’t drink water. That stuff will kill you.”
(I’ve just moved to the Midwest to be closer to family. I graduated from a university in a southern state a few months prior. A couple days after I arrive, I have to go run some errands. Since most of my clothes are in the moving truck that has yet to arrive, I throw on a [University] sweatshirt, jeans, and sneakers. I’m at the grocery store when an older man walks up to me.)
Man: “Young lady!”
Me: *startled* “Yes?”
Man: “You shouldn’t wear that.”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Man: “You shouldn’t wear that!“
(He gestures at my sweatshirt. I look down to check for stains or rips, thinking I may have missed something while getting dressed. I find none.)
Me: “Why?”
Man: “You are in Illinois, not the South. Show some local pride.”
(I have a slight Southern accent, which I can turn into a full-on drawl on command.)
Me: *with a smile and full drawl* “What I wear is none of y’all’s business. I’ll wear this as much as I please. Now, kindly leave me alone.”
(The man huffs and walks away, muttering about “those people.” And that was my first introduction to small Midwestern towns.)
