Right Working Romantic Related Learning Friendly Healthy Legal Inspirational Unfiltered

Have You Tried Asking Them To Turn It Off And Then On Again?

, , , , | Right | May 11, 2022

I was at a party when a client’s business partner approached me. 

Partner: “Hey, [Client] tells me you could answer a computer question for me.”

Me: “Depends. What’s the question?”

Partner: “My computer stopped working the other day. The light comes on but nothing happens.”

Me: “Well, it’s hard to say what might be the problem from just that. It could be something simple, but it could be that something needs replacing.”

Partner: “Pfft! That’s the best you can come up with? What a waste of my time.”

That Depends On Your Definition Of “Big”

, , , , | Romantic | March 25, 2022

My grandparents are having a party celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary. My grandfather is giving a speech talking about how they made it work.

Grandfather: “Sixty years ago, we decided on how we would handle decisions. We decided that she would handle all of the day-to-day decisions, and then when something big came up, she would tell me and I would make all of the big decisions. Can you believe that after sixty years, two houses, three kids, eight grandkids, job changes, and everything else… no big decisions ever came up?”

All Out Of (Pot)Luck

, , , , , | Working | February 21, 2022

I would like to say I’m frugal, but it’s a lie since I’m downright cheap. I have very good reasons for being so cheap, but suffice to say I’m well known around the office for how extremely cheap I can be. We often joke about it, and I take no offense in general to mocking my own cheapness.

One day, the office is having a potluck. I considered bringing something in, but I can’t cook, and anything I can think of to buy and bring to the potluck which would be sufficient quality to meet my coworkers’ standards seems like it would be more expensive than my usual lunchtime meals, so I decide to not participate in the interest of saving money. And, to be honest, it’s laziness; I don’t want to go to a store just to buy something for the potluck.

On the day of the potluck, my coworker notices me still sitting at my desk as everyone is filtering out to the conference room where we will have the potluck.

Coworker: “Hey, [My Name], are you coming?”

Me: “No, sorry. I’m going to sit this one out, but have fun.”

Coworker: “What? Why would you do that?”

Me: “I didn’t bring anything, so it wouldn’t be fair of me to take the food everyone else brought.”

Coworker: “Oh, I’m sure no one would mind this once.”

Me: “Yeah, but we end up doing something like this every other month. One time might be okay, but if I did it every month, eventually, it’s just mooching.”

Coworker: “Well, you could at least come join us even if you aren’t eating.”

Me: “I tried that the last two times, and everyone kept insisting I had to eat when I got there. I figured I’d just stay here working this time so that wouldn’t happen again.”

Coworker: “That’s not fair to you. Look, I brought two dishes, so I earned the right to eat twice as much, right? You can have my second helpings so it all evens out.”

We go back and forth a few more times, my coworker not accepting my intention to sit out. Eventually, I cave and go with her to appease her, and while I do try to just attend the potluck without eating, she all but forces me to take some food, as well.

Coworker #2: “Wow, [My Name] is here? I’m surprised you were willing to actually buy food for this.”

Me: “Actually, I didn’t. I was planning to sit out, but [Coworker] forced me to come join in.”

Coworker #2: *Jokingly* “Ah, couldn’t say no to stealing a bit of free food, huh?”

Me: “You know, some days you can’t win no matter what you try.”

Mom’s Not Mad; She’s Just Disappointed

, , , , , | Legal | February 19, 2022

I’m a police officer. We’re called to intervene at a party where kids were being rowdy. We get there, and most of the kids scurry off the moment they spot our car. One, a minor, is so drunk that he almost passes out. After we have him checked out medically, we put him in a chair and prepare to make a call. Minors can only be locked up if there is a very, very, very good reason to.

Boy: *Slurring* “Dude, can I lie down? Do I have to stay? Will you put me in jail?”

Me: “Don’t worry, you get to sleep in your own bed.”

Boy: “Am I in trouble?”

Me: “Yes, you are.”

Boy: “Oh… Will you put me in jail? Are you calling jail? I don’t want to go to jail.”

Me: “No, I’m just going to call your mother.”

The boy suddenly stares with eyes wide open, turning even paler than he already was. 

Boy: “Can’t… Can’t you just put me in jail?”

His mother picked him up, in silence. When we followed up with this case, he was disciplined correctly — we wanted to make sure he wasn’t afraid of his mother because of abuse — and he was signed up for a disciplinary course about alcohol.

Be A Big Boy And Drive Yourself

, , , | Working | December 7, 2021

I’m getting ready for a company event when [Coworker] calls. 

Coworker: “I need you to come and pick me up.”

He lives about twenty minutes in the opposite direction of the event and has his own vehicle. I know he’s been trying to get people to give him a ride so he won’t have to drive and he’ll be free to drink as much as he wants.

Me: “Why?”

Coworker: “Carpooling is good for the environment.”

Me: “Okay, then you come and get me.”

Coworker: “No! Come on, [My Name]. Just help me.”

Me: “Are you going to pay me for the gas for the extra forty minutes per trip?”

Coworker: “F*** no!”

Me: “There’s your answer, then.”

I hung up. [Coworker] arrived an hour late, blaming everyone who refused to pick him up.