It’s Not Her Party, But She’ll Cry If She Wants To

, , , , | Related | August 1, 2020

My daughter is of kindergarten age and is invited to a birthday party. If you’ve been there, you know what nightmare they are. There are about twenty kids from the classroom, plus their parents and siblings, plus the birthday kid’s relatives and family friends. Cue over three hours of barely controlled chaos.

Needless to say, when it’s finally time to cut the cake, the ladies in charge of doing so are taking no nonsense: they hack away at the cake, slam the pieces on plates, and pass them to the nearest person that has a pair of serviceable hands.

My daughter, however, has picked just this moment to get finicky.

Daughter: “I want the corner piece with the candy flower.”

Me: “We can try, but the ladies are busy. Don’t be mad, okay?”

Unfortunately, she’s given a regular piece, instead. Tired and upset from the long afternoon, she decides to throw a fit. She starts crying so loudly, it catches the attention of the cake-cutting lady.

Cake Lady: “Oh, poor dear. What happened?”

Me: “She was after the corner piece.”

Cake Lady: “Oh, this one? That’s all right.”

Instead of swapping plates, the lady picked up the candy flower and planted it onto the piece on my daughter’s plate… sending her into another fit. I tried to console her but it was no use; she was holding her plate with white-knuckled hands, bawling uncontrollably at the injustice of it all.

Then, a passing toddler picked up the candy flower from her piece of cake, stuffed it in her mouth happily, and kept going. My daughter was so affronted she could barely breathe. There was nothing left to do at this point but laugh. I wish I’d had my camera ready.

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Doesn’t Alanis Morissette Have A Song About This?

, , , , , , | Friendly | July 8, 2020

My best friend and maid of honour is an absolute sweetheart. However, her mother, who I have known for almost thirty years now, is one of the most negative people I have ever encountered. For her, the glass is not just half-empty; it has stale water, a cat hair, a chip, and a lipstick stain on it.

Fast forward to my bridal shower, where my sister — who has known my friend’s mom for her entire life — is making polite small talk with my her.

Sister: “So, the venue for the ceremony is going to be really nice.”

Friend’s Mom: “Where is it?”

Sister: “[My Name] booked a really pretty museum downtown.”

Friend’s Mom: “Well, let’s hope that traffic cooperates. Driving downtown is horrible!”

Sister: “Yes, well, we should be fine.”

Friend’s Mom: “And let’s hope the weather cooperates. I don’t want to be out in a rainstorm!”

Sister: “Well, the great thing about the space is that it is indoors with some outdoor balcony space, so we are good no matter what.”

Friend’s Mom: “Well, I hope it isn’t too hot. June is too hot for weddings. They are always so uncomfortable.”

Sister: *Visibly annoyed* “I hope the weather is nice, too! Fortunately, museums are temperature controlled, so the AC should be just fine.”

Friend’s Mom: “Well, let’s hope the power doesn’t go out!

My sister gave up, made a polite, mumbled excuse, and fled to some other guests. The power didn’t go out, no tornadoes or natural disasters occurred, and the day was lovely. 

And yes, she is still as pessimistic today as ever.

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Rules Are Important When Playing With Dogs That Are Smarter Than You

, , , , | Friendly | May 15, 2020

My mom has a border collie. She’s had her since she was three weeks old. Since [Border Collie] was young, she has loved to play fetch. However, she has a tendency to jump on you to try to get the ball. My mother and I have come up with a way to combat this. We make [Border Collie] sit and stay until she hears the word “go.” If she moves at all before hearing go, we won’t throw the ball.

Whenever we have guests over, I explain the rules. 

Me: “Now, remember, don’t throw the ball if she moves before you say, ‘Go.’ She will try to test boundaries, but if you are firm the first couple of times, she’ll stop.”

Without fail, people start complaining that she is jumping on them when they are trying to play.

Me: “Did you let her move before you said, ‘go’?”

Them: “Yeah, it seemed like too much of a hassle.”

Me: “That’s why she’s jumping on you. You taught her that you will let her break the rules.”

Them: “I don’t think that’s it.”

And yet, anyone who followed the rules never had a problem with her jumping. Imagine that.

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Probably A Good Time To Stuff A Meatball In Your Mouth

, , , , | Friendly | May 13, 2020

My friend is throwing a Christmas party. We get together every year, but this year, there are some new significant others, so I am nervous trying to make conversation. The “kids” — aka twenty-somethings — their SOs, and I are gathered in one room with half of the appetizers. My sister is talking about the spread.

Sister: “It’s a good thing I didn’t eat today. I’m eating a lot now.”

Friend #1: “Well, at least this is healthier. Look at all the vegetables and fruit.”

Sister: “Yeah, but do you see my plate? I have rolls, meatballs, and lots of cheese. Oh, and a carrot stick for good measure.”

Friend #2: “Could be worse. You could have gone to [Fast Food Place] and had a burger or something.”

Sister: “Exactly! Thanks, that makes it seem better.”

Me: “Well, if you think about it, you’ve had two or three rolls, at least six meatballs, and a lot of cheese, so it’s kind of like having two or three cheeseburgers.”

Friends: “…”

Sister: “All right, who invited her?”

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What’s The Politest Way To Say, “None Of Your Business”?

, , , , | Friendly | May 11, 2020

I haven’t spoken to my father or his family in years. The reason isn’t really important; it’s just important to know that I don’t speak to them, don’t know where they are, and don’t care to know. 

I am a full-grown adult. My mom and I are invited to a friend of a friend’s house party so she can show off photos she took while traveling, and we are making small talk while waiting for the other guests to arrive.

Mom: “Hi, I’m [Mom] and this is my daughter, [My Name].” 

Hostess: “So, it’s just you and your mom?”

Me: “Pretty much, yep.”

Hostess: “Where’s your dad?”

Me: “Um… don’t really know and don’t want to. I don’t talk to him.”

Hostess: “Oh.” *To my mom* “Well, do you know where he is?”

My mom and I were both so baffled by the extreme rudeness of this comment that neither of us knew how to respond at all. We just kind of walked away.

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