Welcome To The Performance Pad

, , , , , | Friendly | September 8, 2017

(I work as part of a performing troupe that sometimes gets hired for private events. I am working one such event as an atmospheric performer. I need to use the bathroom between sets; however, in the bathroom, I discover I needed sanitary items and don’t have any on hand. Just at that moment however, several guests walk into the bathroom, INCREDIBLY drunk.)

Guest #1: “This party is so much fun!”

Me: *from inside the stall* “Um, excuse me… would any of you ladies happen to have a pad?”

(From outside, I hear a lot of mumbling and a purse unzipping before one is passed under the stall.)

Me: “Thank you.”

(I finish my business and walk out of the stall. As I’m washing my hands, one of the ladies turns to look at me.)

Guest #2: “Oh my gosh, are you one of the performers?!”

(I nod politely.)

Guest #2: “Oh my God, oh my God! You were fantastic!” *turns to her friends* “Guys, guys, guys! I gave one of the performers a pad!”

Guest #1: *equally drunk* “Oh my God, really?”

(I left the bathroom at this point, still hearing them all yell excitedly that “she had given one of the performers a pad!”)

The Excuses Are Just As Overboard

, , , , | Related | September 3, 2017

(My dad and I have been jokingly accusing my mom of going overboard for my dad’s 50th birthday party. The day before the party, my mom’s two friends, whom I refer to as aunts, come over to help her get ready. That evening I walk downstairs, and there are decorations up everywhere.)

Mom: “How does it look?”

Me: “Looks like you and your friends had fun.”

Mom: “It’s not my fault! I just bought those few things from [Store], and then I called [Aunt] and asked if she still had things from [Cousin]’s casino-themed party.”

Me: “Sounds like you still instigated.”

Mom: “I didn’t expect her to bring EVERYTHING, plus things from her own 50th, plus some other things! And then while we were putting stuff up, she starts going ‘Oh, you shouldn’t use this one. Here, let me make you this, and make you this while I’m at it.’ It’s her fault, not mine.”

Me: “Are you practicing on me for when Dad gets home?”

Mom: “Yes, does it sound convincing? It’s really not my fault, though.”

The Explosive Subject Of Contraception

, , , , , | Friendly | August 31, 2017

(I’m talking quietly to a female friend about birth control at a party.)

Me: “So, my doctor recommended I get an IUD inserted—”

Eavesdropping Male Friend: *loudly* “Why’d your doctor tell you to get an IED inserted?”

(I had to explain to a roomful of people that no, my doctor hadn’t told me to get an improvised explosive device implanted in me.)

Being A Cat Lady: There’s An App For That

, , , , , , | Romantic | July 29, 2017

(My friends and I, all women in our early twenties, decide to get together for a movie marathon and game night. As it gets later and later, the conversation turns to romantic relationships, and the fact that I have yet to have one is brought up. So, one of my friends talks us all into joining a popular dating app. We amuse ourselves by going through profiles on our phones for a while, until this happens.)

Friend #1: *in response to an excited look on my face* “[My Name], are you still on [Dating App]?”

Me: “No, I got bored with that one a while ago. I’m playing [Game] now.”

Friend #3: “You still play [Game]?!”

Friend #2: “Wait, I’ve never heard of [Game] before. What is it?”

Me: *shows her my phone* “It’s this cute game where you have to collect the different cats that come visit your yard . . .” *realizes I just literally chose cats over boys*  “This is probably a more accurate description of me than I would like.”

When An Ex Cancels Out Another Ex

, , | Romantic | July 27, 2017

(Five years ago, the ex-girlfriend of a former roommate married my ex-boyfriend. That was one year after I had broken up with him. I didn’t attend their wedding, but we are friends. I get invited to her birthday at their bungalow in the woods. This conversation happens while passing each other in a doorway, with no other people in earshot:)

Me: “Your house is lovely! It must be a breeze to live out here.”

Her: “It is! Oh, why don’t you come live here? We could be [Ex-boyfriend]’s wives together!’

Me: *awkward blank stare*

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