I Feel Good, I Hear Not So Much

, , , , , , | | Friendly | May 28, 2019

My friend’s boyfriend is deaf but prefers to read lips rather than sign. I was at his graduation party, and he was reading the cards and opening the gifts in front of a few of us. He came across one card from one of my friend’s relatives.

When he opened the card, James Brown’s “I Feel Good” started playing. Some of us chuckled, some of us danced and sang. The boyfriend asked what was going on. We explained that it was a singing card, and he politely chuckled and thanked the relative, who wasn’t present that day.

Another friend turned to me and said, “Did they really give a music card to a deaf guy?”

Not Quite Married To The Idea Of Family Law

, , , , , | Legal | March 18, 2019

(At an engagement party, I overhear one guest asking another guest whether he is enjoying working as a lawyer.)

Lawyer: “It’s okay, but family law can be depressing. If your client isn’t planting the drugs in their ex’s shed, it’s their ex planting drugs in your client’s shed.”

We’ve Heard This One Sixteen Times Before

, , , , , , , | Friendly | January 8, 2019

(We’re at a New Year’s party, playing card games and catching up. One of my friends has brought a newcomer to our gathering, who seems… interesting.)

Newcomer: *while trying to hold cards we’re handing him very artistically* “Whoa, look at this; it’s like the sixteenth chapel over here!”

Friend: *after a pause* “Did you just say, ‘sixteenth chapel’?”

Newcomer: “Yeah?”

Friend: “Did you mean the Sistine Chapel?”

Newcomer: “Oh, is that what it’s called? I just thought there were a lot of chapels in Rome so they just started numbering them!”

 

Well, That Holiday Went Right Down The Crapper

, , , , , | Related | December 26, 2018

(It’s Christmas Day and we are at the in-laws’ house. My brother- and sister-in-law turn up with just the younger of their two sons.)

Mother-In-Law: “Where’s [Older Son]? Is he sick?”

Brother-In-Law: “No, it’s worse than being sick; he’s on call and was called in for an emergency.”

Mother-In-Law: “What sort of emergency?”

Brother-In-Law: “The plumbing kind.”

(Later, [Nephew] stops in to say hello on his way between jobs. I go in for a hug but he backs off.)

Nephew: “Don’t touch me! Um… Sorry, that came out wrong. Please don’t touch me; I’m covered in s***.”

A Dis-Grace-ful Display

, , , , , , , | Working | December 24, 2018

(I’m at my work’s Christmas party, which I’ve mostly organized under the direction of the owner’s wife, who has given lots of instructions on making sure the food will be sufficient and be enjoyed by the workers. As a result, I buy a lot of samosas and dishes for the workers based on their suggestions. It should be noted that the owners are the only German Christians in the factory and everyone else is either atheist, Muslim, Hindu, or something else. This happens as soon as we’re all seated with plates of food.)

Owner: “Now, I feel it should be brought to your attention an issue one of our customers has been having. Apparently, some of his workers are having problems working together because of different religious and ethnic backgrounds. As you can all see, we are very diverse here and I feel we should all take a moment to remember to accept our differences and each other.”

(Cue moment of silence.)

Owner’s Wife: “Now then, I’m sure there won’t be any issues here. So, let’s all close our eyes and say grace.”

(Cue a room full of uncomfortable non-Christians listening to a long religious speech largely about acceptance.)

Page 1/1912345...Last