Not Quite Married To The Idea Of Family Law

, , , , , | Legal | March 18, 2019

(At an engagement party, I overhear one guest asking another guest whether he is enjoying working as a lawyer.)

Lawyer: “It’s okay, but family law can be depressing. If your client isn’t planting the drugs in their ex’s shed, it’s their ex planting drugs in your client’s shed.”

We’ve Heard This One Sixteen Times Before

, , , , , , , | Friendly | January 8, 2019

(We’re at a New Year’s party, playing card games and catching up. One of my friends has brought a newcomer to our gathering, who seems… interesting.)

Newcomer: *while trying to hold cards we’re handing him very artistically* “Whoa, look at this; it’s like the sixteenth chapel over here!”

Friend: *after a pause* “Did you just say, ‘sixteenth chapel’?”

Newcomer: “Yeah?”

Friend: “Did you mean the Sistine Chapel?”

Newcomer: “Oh, is that what it’s called? I just thought there were a lot of chapels in Rome so they just started numbering them!”


Well, That Holiday Went Right Down The Crapper

, , , , , | Related | December 26, 2018

(It’s Christmas Day and we are at the in-laws’ house. My brother- and sister-in-law turn up with just the younger of their two sons.)

Mother-In-Law: “Where’s [Older Son]? Is he sick?”

Brother-In-Law: “No, it’s worse than being sick; he’s on call and was called in for an emergency.”

Mother-In-Law: “What sort of emergency?”

Brother-In-Law: “The plumbing kind.”

(Later, [Nephew] stops in to say hello on his way between jobs. I go in for a hug but he backs off.)

Nephew: “Don’t touch me! Um… Sorry, that came out wrong. Please don’t touch me; I’m covered in s***.”

A Dis-Grace-ful Display

, , , , , , , | Working | December 24, 2018

(I’m at my work’s Christmas party, which I’ve mostly organized under the direction of the owner’s wife, who has given lots of instructions on making sure the food will be sufficient and be enjoyed by the workers. As a result, I buy a lot of samosas and dishes for the workers based on their suggestions. It should be noted that the owners are the only German Christians in the factory and everyone else is either atheist, Muslim, Hindu, or something else. This happens as soon as we’re all seated with plates of food.)

Owner: “Now, I feel it should be brought to your attention an issue one of our customers has been having. Apparently, some of his workers are having problems working together because of different religious and ethnic backgrounds. As you can all see, we are very diverse here and I feel we should all take a moment to remember to accept our differences and each other.”

(Cue moment of silence.)

Owner’s Wife: “Now then, I’m sure there won’t be any issues here. So, let’s all close our eyes and say grace.”

(Cue a room full of uncomfortable non-Christians listening to a long religious speech largely about acceptance.)

Not Frozen In Your Edgy Phase Forever

, , , , , | Friendly | December 17, 2018

(I’m going to out myself as a jerk in this one. For the entirety of my seventeenth year of life, I acted like I was campaigning for turd of the year. Sadly, this was not my only offense, but it was my worst. To set the scene, this is during the height of the “Frozen” craze, and of course, I consider myself ABOVE such things. A friend’s birthday is in full swing, and everybody but me is having a great time. The sweet younger sister of the birthday girl gives a “Frozen”-based present.)

Me: *being an edgy teenager, turns and audibly scoffs to my best friend*

(Several people turn to look at me, including the poor girl that gave the gift.)

Sister: *sounding hurt and confused* “But Frozen is good!”

(I feel the blood drain from my face as I register that everyone has heard me. An exceptionally awkward couple of seconds pass as I search for something to say.)

Me: “Y-yeah! Yeah, it is!”

(Everyone went back to the gift giving, but I could just feel the edge in me freeze into embarrassment. Thank goodness that incident was the one that knocked me out of that phase before I lost all my friends!)

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