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The Golden Trio Of Evil: Sauron, Saruman, And SmarterThanEveryone

, , , , , | Right | CREDIT: Ohigetjokes | December 8, 2022

This is the story of Mister SmarterThanEveryone. Poor guy. The WEIRDEST things kept happening… and just to him! Nobody else!

Here’s the thing about Mister SmarterThanEveryone: he was genuinely charming as h***. When you first met him, you’d immediately be smitten by his Hobbit-like presence. I’m not saying he was especially short, but he had that whole folksy “Samwise” thing that made you just wanna kiss ‘im. Platonically.

Anyway, he was a charming cherub that instantly put a smile on your face…

…until it was time to actually talk business. Then, quite suddenly, he was a soul-sucking Nazgûl.

I was working at [Popular Truck Rental], and the main reason he came in was to rent a truck. By the time I encountered him, he was an old customer. He knew the routine.

Except, somehow, he always acted like this was all going completely wrong and we were making wildly unreasonable demands that he’d never, NEVER dealt with before! I mean, why are we grilling him for all of this personal information?!

Like his phone number.

“What do you need that for?” “Well, I’m not sure what my phone number is. I never call myself.” “Okay, hang on, let me call my wife… Yeah, honey? What’s my phone number? Yeah, [Popular Truck Rental] wants it. I know, weird, right? What do you need that for again?”

Every time. And every time, he acted like maybe, just maybe, this time he wouldn’t have to share that information.

After about ten minutes, we’d extract his phone number from him. And then we’d have to negotiate with him to get his driver’s license, which inevitably he’d left in his car.

And then he didn’t want to leave a credit card or a deposit, and so we’d have long back-and-forth conversations about how…

No, that wasn’t optional… No, last time he definitely did leave his credit card… No, the manager didn’t make an exception… No, the manager wouldn’t make one now… No, the manager isn’t available…

…and then he’d go back to the car to get that, too, because he couldn’t be bothered to bring in his whole wallet.

Every. Single. Time.

Kids, if you think that sounds bad, I hate to inform you that we’re just getting warmed up. That’s all preamble. This is calm-before-the-storm stuff here.

As you’re probably aware, you pay per mile for most truck rentals, especially if it’s just a short trip. And he’d argue about the mileage.

Occasionally? Hahahaha, no. Every single time.

“No way it was that far! Impossible! I went like five max!” And then he’d describe a trip several cities over and insist that was just five miles.

We tried showing him on Google Maps, but then he’d want us to play with the route between the cities to show the shortest distance possible and claim THAT’S how far he’d really gone and that the system must have just gone crazy or something!

So, we’d dig out the photos we always, ALWAYS took of his odometer — because he made us have to.

Mister S: “Oh, that’s an old picture.”

Us: “No. That’s the picture I took when you got in the truck. You saw me take it.”

Mister S: “Well… “

That’s Easy mode for Mister SmarterThanEveryone. Let’s bump it up to Intermediate, shall we?

Mister SmarterThanEveryone was late returning his truck.

Actually, I should clarify: I’m not entirely certain he’d ever returned a truck on time.

Whenever this happened, he argued about what “he was told” about when it was supposed to be returned, argue that he shouldn’t have to pay for an extra day because “it’s included, right?”, etc.

So, the millisecond he was late, we’d call him.

The first few times: “Oh, yeah, I’m on my way. I’m like ten minutes away.” And he wouldn’t show up until morning.

The next few times, he just didn’t answer. We left messages telling him the MASSIVE fee we were about to dump onto his credit card if he didn’t call us IMMEDIATELY.

That was a bluff, but he bought it.

Mister S: “Sorry for the misunderstanding. I’m on the road right now.”

And then we heard kid screams in the background, a waitress asking him to clarify his order, etc.

Okay. So, what does Hard Mode look like?

Mister S: “Hey, I can’t bring the truck in because it stalled on the side of the road. I also want a discount.”

Me: “Dang, Mister SmarterThanEveryone, that’s rough, and I totally believe you, as well.”

Mister S: “And this happened last time, too! And I want a refund for that!”

Me: “Gee, you’d think that would be something you’d have mentioned. But meanwhile, if you’re having trouble, you need to call Roadside Assistance.”

Mister S: “I don’t want to call Roadside Assistance.”

Me: “Well, if there’s a problem with the truck, you have to. It isn’t optional.”

Mister S: “Can you… Can you call them for me?”

Me: “Nope. The number’s on your paperwork. Front page. Huge numbers. The only phone number on there. Can’t miss it.”

Mister S: “I, uh… I lost… it?”

Me: “No problem. Write this down…”

Mister S: “I don’t have anything to write with.”

Me: “You have to call them.”

Mister S: “Can… Please just call them for me! PLEASE!

Me: “So, you want me to call and send a tow truck for you?”

Mister S: “Um… yes?”

Me: “And it’s on the side of the road?”

Mister S: “Yes… Well, no, I managed to get it home.”

The roadside assistance guys pulled up, checked the truck, and — miracle of miracles — it started right up.

We charged Mister SmarterThanEveryone an extra $75 for calling a tow truck for no reason.

The next time…

Mister S: “Hey, I can’t bring the truck in because it stalled on the side of the road. I also want a discount.”

Me: “I can’t do anything. Call Roadside Assistance.”

Mister S: “But last time, you guys charged me $75 for that!”

Me: “That’s only if there’s nothing actually wrong and they come out for no reason.”

Mister S: “Well, I don’t wanna call!”

Me: “Then you’d better be here by 5:00.”

Mister S: “But I’m far awaaayyy…”

Me: “…”

Mister S: “…”

Me: “See you at 5:00?”

Mister S: “Okay…”

All right, all right, last gasp time: Nightmare Mode. How did Mister SmarterThanEveryone manage to finally get himself banned from [Popular Truck Rental]?

Mister S: “My truck isn’t safe to drive! All the lights on the dash came on!”

Me: “What do you mean ‘all the lights’?”

Mister S: “I mean all the warning lights! This truck is a death trap, and I need to be refunded because—”

Me: “You’re going to need to send me a picture of that.”

Mister S: “I thought you’d never ask!”

He had this one ready. It was his little ace up his sleeve. And boy, was it… something.

You know how when you first put the key in the ignition and turn on a car or truck, all the lights come on momentarily to make sure they still work?

Yeah. That’s the picture he sent.

That was the final straw. Our manager was tired, not just of the hassle, but of Mister SmarterThanEveryone treating us like complete idiots. He was permabanned.

A month later, he was banned from every other branch of the company, which is really saying something because the place down the street was full of some deeply ambivalent folk who would be just as happy to watch the company burn.

We heard some rumblings that he was using another company’s trucks, but then he was fired from his job for trying to con his employer by claiming expenses that didn’t exist.

Who could have seen that coming?

Here’s A Hint: Jettas Don’t Have The Horsie On Them

, , , | Right | October 25, 2022

I worked for a rental car company at an airport for a few years. I was out in the parking lot and someone waved me down.

Customer: “My car isn’t starting! I want a different car, now!”

I took one look at the keys and the car he was in.

Me: “Sir, you are in the wrong car. Yours is over there.”

The dude was in a Ford Mustang when he had rented a VW Jetta. Honestly, the dude probably thought he could scam us for the Mustang.

You Can Call For Better Business, But Can You Be A Better Person?

, , , , | Right | CREDIT: HavaDucky81 | September 19, 2022

I work graveyard while working on my degree. I work for an accessible van company. My position — like all our positions — is remote. We aren’t a huge company but not small by any means. All of our calls are recorded, so it makes me laugh when people try to pull their bulls*** and I remind them these calls are recorded. The company’s owner and my supervisor have a huge policy that people can’t bully us, and let me tell you, they try!

We offer roadside assistance for our customers. Keep that in mind: FOR OUR CUSTOMERS. We can unlock a vehicle, dispatch a mechanic, or do anything that might require roadside assistance.

A man calls us at 4:00 am on behalf of his neighbor.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. My name is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Man: “My neighbor’s van won’t start and she needs to get her son to the hospital!”

I’m thinking, “Hospital? It’s 4:00 am. Oh, no! I hope it’s not an emergency!”

Me: “Okay, what are her license plate number and name?”

Man: “Her name is [Woman] and the plate is [State] plates, [number].”

Me: “Sir, that’s not a plate of any of our vehicles.”

I hear the woman in the background tell the neighbor something.

Man: “She owns the vehicle!”

Once the van is sold, it’s no longer our responsibility, like any used vehicle place, unless it’s an agreed-upon warranty.

Me: “Sir, I honestly don’t know what I can do for her except look on GPS and see if we still have that van on there. I need to look her up first to figure out what van she had.”

I click around for a bit and try to find the woman.”

Me: “Umm, sir, we don’t have a customer by that name. Is it under someone else possibly?”

The man relates this to the woman.

Man: “She said no, it’s under her name.”

Me: “Sir, I can assure you that her name is not in here and we didn’t sell her any van.”

The woman takes the phone.

Woman: “Ma’am, I did get my van from you. From [Competitor]. I need to get my son to the VA.”

I’m a veteran, so of course, I understand that Veterans Affairs appointments are a pain to get if missed. I am thinking of different ways as she’s going off about how I can help her.

Me: “Ma’am, we are not that company, but I know on our vans we have a disable switch under the dash by the e-brake. Maybe they do, too?”

I’m assuming she looks as she pauses for a few moments before saying, “No!”

Me: “Okay, then, ma’am, you need to contact wherever you got the van.”

Woman: “I did! They’re not open and don’t have a roadside assistance department! I don’t understand. You are roadside assistance for accessible vans, and I need to get my son to his VA appointment! YOU WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND!”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, I understand all too well as I am a disabled veteran myself! I know it’s hard to sometimes get another appointment in a timely manner with the VA.”

Woman: “My son’s an injured combat veteran and you’re a woman. You wouldn’t understand what he’s going through!”

Me: “Ma’am, I am also an injured combat veteran. I do understand, and I want to help in any way I can within my power.”

Woman: “You can get someone out here to fix my vehicle.”

Me: “I can’t do that, unfortunately, as you did not get your van from us!”

Woman: “Then what good are you?! This is bulls***.”

She hangs up. I think, “Oh, well, I tried.”

I take my headset off and go back to painting. Then, I see another call coming through, and who does my caller ID show? The same number as before. I answer and give my “thank you for calling” spiel.

Woman: “Ugh, not you again! You’re incompetent! I want a manager!

Me: “I’m sorry, but seeing as it is 4:10, there is no one else available.”

Woman: “Get me someone now!”

Me: “No, I will not be doing that, and actually, I am going to be disconnecting this call.”

I promptly hang up. She calls back eight more times, getting me all eight times.

On the eighth call:

Woman: “I’m going to complain to the Better Business Bureau about you!”

Me: “Please do so. I can’t do something for you that is literally out of my control.”

Woman: “You’re a real b****, you know that?”

Me: “You, too, ma’am, and considering all the time you have spent insulting me on the phone, you could have called someone to help out. Have a great morning!” *Click*

I forwarded a recording of the call to my boss, who listened to it when they got in.

Of course, the woman called when we were open and said she wanted me fired. My awesome boss told her she was out of line as well as crazy!

Then, the woman made good on the call to the Better Business Bureau. They sent an inquiry. And nothing came of it!

No Wonder She Has No Loved Ones To Pick Her Up

, , , , | Right | CREDIT: HavaDucky81 | July 27, 2022

I am a woman in my forties. I was in the military and was severely injured while serving my country on deployment. This injury left me wheelchair-bound for several months after as I regained my motor and neurological function. I literally had to teach myself — with various kinds of therapy — how to eat, speak in full sentences, write, etc., again. So, out of anybody in my company, I know what a great service the company I work for provides.

I work part-time for a company that rents accessible vans for those who need them due to wheelchair use. I have worked off and on with them for four years while I’m in school for my Physician’s Assistant certification. 

This is a small, family-run business, and my boss is awesome; 99.9% of the time, she knows that the customer is in the wrong as our calls are recorded. We get some of the most entitled people ever!

I work the mid-grave shift and I am basically on my own to make decisions, check the customers in and out, give them airport parking locations, help with customer problems and complaints, and explain to people who call that we are not a non-medical transport company. I must get these calls three to four times a night every night I work. We actually rent the vehicles for people to drive their loved ones, friends, or whoever around. We are not open for reservations or anything other than getting the customers into the vehicles.

It’s basically an on-call position after 6:00 pm, Monday through Sunday — it says this when you call the recording — so I can sleep, watch TV, or whatever as it’s all remote positions.

One night, a lady calls at about 2:30 am. I wake up and answer the call.

Lady: “WERE YOU SLEEPING?! HOW UNPROFESSIONAL!”

Me: “Excuse me? Ma’am, I am in an on-call remote position and I am very much allowed to sleep.”

Lady: “Whatever. I need someone to come and pick me up now!

I know right away that she thinks we’re a transportation company.

Me: “I am sorry, but we don’t offer that service.”

I tell her what we do offer.

Lady: “DO NOT GIVE ME THAT S***! YOU JUST DONT WANT TO DO YOUR JOB! YOU NEED TO GET SOMEONE OUT HERE TO PICK ME UP AT [EMERGENCY ROOM] NOW! I HAVE [CONTAGIOUS ILLNESS] AND C-DIFF!”

Those are both communicable, and C-Diff is particularly gross.

Me: “Ma’am, like I said, we don’t offer that service. You need to ask the hospital for a number to a non-medical transport!”

Lady: “LISTEN HERE, YOU LITTLE B****! Get someone here now! Google said you were a non-medical transport, and I want someone out to this ER now!”

This is when she drops the most disgusting statement ever.

Lady: “YOU DONT KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE IN A CHAIR AND HAVE ISSUES WALKING! NOW, GET YOUR A** IN GEAR AND GET ME THAT RIDE, YOU STUPID IDIOT!”

Me: “Ma’am, I will be disconnecting this call. Have a good morning!”

I hang up.

Less than ten minutes later, she calls back. This time, she has found a security officer to help her.

Security Officer: “Ma’am, this is officer [Security Officer] with [Locatiob] Medical Center and ER. This patient says you called her a [ableist slur] and said she could wheel herself home for all you care, and she also says you called her a [racist slur].”

Me: “Sir, no, that’s not what went down.”

I fill him in and tell him we record all our phone calls.

Me: “And as I told her, we do not offer the service she’s looking for.”

Security Officer: “Well, you need to find her a ride. This isn’t our issue; you need to find her a ride now!”

Me: “Actually, NO, I DON’T, NOR IS IT MY RESPONSIBILITY TO DO SO!”

Security Office: “I’m going to call the police about this!”

Me: “Please be my guest. Do so.”

He hands the phone to the lady.

Lady: “I need a ride now! I told you already that you don’t understand what it’s like to not be able to get in a regular car and go! I’m disabled and in a wheelchair.”

Me: “Ma’am, first off, we do not offer the service you’re looking for. Secondly, you keep making the comment to me that I don’t know what it’s like to be in a chair. We are on the phone; you have no clue whether I am in a wheelchair or not! Nor do you know whether I have ever been in one! Not that I owe you the courtesies of an explanation, but I was in a wheelchair, and I was clinically dead more than once! So, you go ahead and call the cops. H***, you could tell Jesus himself to try to tell me to come and get you! IT WILL NOT CHANGE THE FACT THAT WE DON’T OFFER THE SERVICES YOU NEED!”

I hung up and blocked her from our phone system.

About twenty minutes later, a call from an unknown number came in. This crazy lady had somehow convinced the security officer to call the police!

The police officer asked me what had happened. I explained the whole story. I told him our calls are all recorded and he was more than welcome to listen to the recording. He told me that wouldn’t be necessary and to have a good night.

I thought this was the end of it, but of course, it was not. My boss texted me today to call her, so I did. She asked what had happened with that call last night. I told her to listen to the recordings. She did, and I haven’t heard anything else about the lady since.

That Escalated And Then Went Nowhere

, , , | Right | CREDIT: HenriquesDumbCousin | June 7, 2022

I work for a car rental company as an escalation agent. Basically, when a customer demands a supervisor, I take the call.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Rental Car Company]. My name is [My Name]. May I have your name, please?”

Customer: “[Customer].”

Me: “Thank you. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I had an emergency, and I won’t be able to return the vehicle tonight. I need to return the vehicle in the morning.”

I see her rental agreement and see that the vehicle is due tonight at 1800.

Me: “I do apologize, ma’am, but if I extend this to tomorrow morning, you will be charged for an additional day.”

Customer: “Why?”

She’s one of those customers…

Me: “My hands are tied, ma’am. I do apologize for what you’re going through.”

Customer: “What did you say?”

Me: “My hands are tied. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but if you extend the reservation, the charge is valid.”

Customer: “You guys are horrible!”

Me: “My apologies for the inconvenience.”

Customer: “I was told they would give me an additional discount because I’m a nurse.”

Me: “This reservation has a discount applied to it already.”

Customer: “That’s the airline discount, not the discount for being a nurse.”

Me: “You already have the vehicle, ma’am. It’s too late to add any additional discounts or coupons to your rental.”

Customer: “You’re being an a**hole, you know that?”

Me: “No ma’am, I’m giving you facts.”

Customer: “You’re an a**hole, and you’re a supervisor?”

Me: “That I am.”

Customer: “I can’t believe that you’re a supervisor.”

Me: “Uh-huh.”

Customer: “When you need to go to ER and need a nurse, good luck.”

Me: “Thank you.”

The customer hung up.