(Being height-impaired, I usually call for my dad when I spy a ceiling critter.)
Me: “Dad, there’s a giant spider on the ceiling and I can’t reach it!”
Dad: “Hang on. I’m in the basement.”
(Dad comes upstairs carrying a shotgun.)
Me: “Uh… It’s not that big!”
Dad: “What? Oh, no! I was polishing the metal, and now I’m putting it back in the safe!”
(My paternal grandfather has finally passed after battling several health issues. We’re cleaning out his house, and evidently Grandpa had a bit of a reputation for being somewhat… bizarre.)
Dad: “I found some of grandpa’s old videos and posters. Can you maybe put them up on eBay for me?”
Me: “Sure, I can do that.”
Dad: “They allow porn on eBay, right?”
Me: “…”
(Somehow, my dad and I end up discussing the political subject of affordable birth control.)
Me: “…and I mean, really, condoms aren’t just the most effective method, but you can also get them pretty much anywhere.”
Dad: “Yeah, they used to give them out on your campus all the time!”
Me: “Um, yeah… They did keep some in our main lobby.”
Dad: “I know; I grabbed a whole bunch the last time we were there!”
Me: “Um… What?”
Dad: “I bring them with my gear when I go deer hunting; that way I have something to keep my rifle barrel dry if it starts raining!”
(My father is 6’3″ and my mother is 5’8″. I was adopted and I barely even measure 4’11”.)
Dad: “That really tall guy on Game of Thrones died yesterday; he was only 36.”
Me: “Yeah, it’s sad, but if you look at the record books, people who are extremely tall rarely live long.”
Dad: “Oh, great.”
Me: “Dad, you’re not really tall; you just think you are because you hang around me so much.”
Dad: “Ha!”
Me: “There’s two squirrels running along the back fence. I can’t tell if they’re flirting or fighting.”
Dad: “Well, if they’re both boys or girls, they’re probably fighting. Otherwise, they’re flirting.”
Me: “Yeah, but how can you tell them apart? They look exactly the same!”
Dad: “You just need a pair of binoculars.”
Me: “Right… and how do you sex a squirrel with binoculars?”
Dad: “Easy; you wait until they turn around and lift up their tail.” *takes sip of coffee, totally serious* “It’s the same thing with people.”
