Everyone Is As Bright As A Button

, , , , , , | Hopeless | March 14, 2018

(I’ve had the same type of purse since high school: a canvas shoulder bag completely covered in about forty or fifty picture buttons. I switch them out every six months or so. I like them because they’re bright and colorful and they start conversations. At least once a week someone on the train will comment on a button featuring a book or a movie they recognize, and I’ve even had complete strangers give me buttons to add to my collection. Two encounters really stand out, though. The first is on a bus. Sitting across the aisle from me is a mom with two toddlers who will not settle down, no matter what she pulls out to distract them. One of them finally manages to squirm away, hops off the seat, and then stops dead when she sees my bag covered in shiny, colorful buttons.)

Toddler: “Your bag’s pretty! What’s that one?”

Me: “Oh, that one is a picture of the pyramids, because someday I want to go to Egypt.”

Toddler: “Cool! What’s that one?”

Me: “That one’s a picture of a story I like, about a girl who gets turned into an owl.”

(After a minute, her brother wanders over to join her looking at my bag, and they spend the next twenty minutes calmly asking me about each and every button on my bag. Almost as soon as they finish with the last button, their mom announces they are getting off at the next stop, and the two kids run back to their mom. As they are getting off, she mouths a fervent, “Thank you!” at me. I have to smile. The second encounter takes place at a train station at nearly 1:00 am, when I am heading back from a friend’s. I’m a very short woman, and I am the only one on the platform, so I am a little nervous when a man comes onto the platform and heads right to me, not least because he has facial tattoos tying him to a particularly brutal and violent local gang. I am trying to discreetly reach for my pepper spray when…)

Man: “Dude, your purse is awesome. I saw the buttons from clear across the station. Where are they from?”

Me: “Oh! They’re, uh, they’re from all over. Some I found, some I bought, and some I made.”

Man: “This one, is this from Amsterdam?”

Me: “No, Venice. I’ve never been, but one of my friends brought it back for me.”

Man: “Makes sense. I figured it had to be either Venice or Amsterdam, with the canals. Either way, it’s pretty cool. I love the idea of a city built on the water.”

(We chat a few more minutes, and then he asks…)

Man: “By the way, you looked kind of nervous when I walked up. Was it the tattoos?”

Me: “I, uh… Yeah. Yeah, it was.”

Man: “I figured it was. Joining that gang was the worst mistake I ever made. I managed to quit and I’ve been working at [Local Factory] for the last eight months. First, I’m saving up to get the tats lasered off, then I’m saving up to visit Europe. I want to see Delft and Amsterdam and Venice… and if I like it, then I’m saving up to move there!”

Me: “In that case, here. Until you can get there yourself!”

(He grinned, and pinned the Venice button to his jacket. Unfortunately, my train pulled up, so we didn’t get to talk anymore, but it was a conversation that stuck with me. I’m usually pretty shy, and I’ve had a couple of friends comment that it’s odd that I carry a purse that attracts so much attention, but I like seeing people smile when they recognize something on one of my buttons.)

Tied To That Answer

, , , , , | Romantic | March 14, 2018

(My girlfriend and I have settled in for some kinky romance. She is wearing black lingerie, and I have just finished putting her into some light bondage. As I am pretending to force myself on my more-than-willing partner, the phone rings:)

Caller: “Is [Girlfriend] available?”

Me: “Sorry, but she can’t come to the phone. She. Is. Tied. Up. Right. Now.”

Caller: “All right, we’ll try another time.” *click*

(I don’t know if the guy realized that I was telling the absolute truth.)

Earning Air-Smiles

, , , | Working | March 11, 2018

(This happens on a flight out of Chicago with my father on [Airline]. The flight has already been delayed for several hours due to weather, and then was delayed another two hours because they gave incorrect info to the flight crew. Needless to say, nobody, crew included, is happy about this, with the exception on one young girl, maybe three years old, who is flying for the first time. As we board, this conversation happens:)

Stewardess: *looking at child* “Oh, that’s a big smile; you must be happy to be flying!”

My Father: *after the girl has passed* “You have to love them at that age, just so happy all the time.”

Stewardess: “Yeah, they haven’t flown [Airline] too often yet.”

Unfiltered Story #106950

, , | Unfiltered | March 10, 2018

(I’m heading in to my doctor’s office with my girlfriend to get a shot for a severe migraine I’ve had for an excruciatingly long three days, and end up arriving earlier than we expected. So we stop by for some tea at the coffee shop in the lobby and are currently sitting at a table when a doctor walks up to the counter.)

**Doctor:** “Hey, get your ass over here and take my order now!!” (The cashier was literally standing a foot away from the register and about to acknowledge him before he shouted.)

**Cashier:** “Hello sir, what can I get for you today?”

**Doctor:** “I’m gonna stop you right there, you need to call me doctor when you address me, not sir! I didn’t go to medical school just to be talked down to by the likes of you!”

**Cashier:** “Sorry doctor, what would you like today?”

**Doctor:** “Well I’d like to not be speaking with such a stupid little girl, but I guess that’s not happening so I’ll just have [contradicting drink order] and hurry it up!”

(Clearly shaken, but holding it together, the cashier tries to explain to the doctor that they cannot do what he’s asking for because they are two entirely separate things, and if they did it would just become mess)



(You could hear a fly flapping his wings it was so quiet, the doctor just stood there and stared at me slack-jawed for a minute before a security guard speaks up.)

**Security:** “Sir, you can’t talk like that in here, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.”

**Doctor:** “Hmph, serves you right!”

**Security:** “Errm, no sir I’m talking to you, I heard you berate this young lady with nonsense. That gentleman only spoke what we were all thinking so you’re going to have to head back to work without your drink, and before you say anything else, don’t worry I’ll make sure your attending knows what happened.”

(The doctor left, accompanied by the guard, all while muttering he was a doctor not a sir under his breath the whole way out. The cashier ended up giving some muffins on the house which more than made up for the increased pain I caused myself by screaming at the top of my lungs.)

It Finally Clicked

, , , , | Right | March 7, 2018

(I work client support for a software company that has a mobile app. The following conversation happens with a client:)

Client: “How do I reset my password? The email has a link that says, ‘Click here to reset your password.’ I don’t know what I am supposed to do.”

Me: “Click on the link that says, ‘Click here to reset your password.'”

Client: “That worked! Great!”

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