Seems Like An Appropriate Response For A Spider

, , , , | Related | October 20, 2018

(Being height-impaired, I usually call for my dad when I spy a ceiling critter.)

Me: “Dad, there’s a giant spider on the ceiling and I can’t reach it!”

Dad: “Hang on. I’m in the basement.”

(Dad comes upstairs carrying a shotgun.)

Me: “Uh… It’s not that big!”

Dad: “What? Oh, no! I was polishing the metal, and now I’m putting it back in the safe!”

Bad Grandpa

, , , , , | Related | October 18, 2018

(My paternal grandfather has finally passed after battling several health issues. We’re cleaning out his house, and evidently Grandpa had a bit of a reputation for being somewhat… bizarre.)

Dad: “I found some of grandpa’s old videos and posters. Can you maybe put them up on eBay for me?”

Me: “Sure, I can do that.”

Dad: “They allow porn on eBay, right?”

Me: “…”

Gun Protection

, , , , | Related | October 17, 2018

(Somehow, my dad and I end up discussing the political subject of affordable birth control.)

Me: “…and I mean, really, condoms aren’t just the most effective method, but you can also get them pretty much anywhere.”

Dad: “Yeah, they used to give them out on your campus all the time!”

Me: “Um, yeah… They did keep some in our main lobby.”

Dad: “I know; I grabbed a whole bunch the last time we were there!”

Me: “Um… What?”

Dad: “I bring them with my gear when I go deer hunting; that way I have something to keep my rifle barrel dry if it starts raining!”

It’s A Hobbit-tual Hazard

, , , | Related | October 16, 2018

(My father is 6’3″ and my mother is 5’8″. I was adopted and I barely even measure 4’11”.)

Dad: “That really tall guy on Game of Thrones died yesterday; he was only 36.”

Me: “Yeah, it’s sad, but if you look at the record books, people who are extremely tall rarely live long.”

Dad: “Oh, great.”

Me: “Dad, you’re not really tall; you just think you are because you hang around me so much.”  

Dad: “Ha!”

We’ve Been Hanging Around With Different People

, , , , , | Related | October 15, 2018

Me: “There’s two squirrels running along the back fence. I can’t tell if they’re flirting or fighting.”

Dad: “Well, if they’re both boys or girls, they’re probably fighting. Otherwise, they’re flirting.”

Me: “Yeah, but how can you tell them apart? They look exactly the same!”

Dad: “You just need a pair of binoculars.”  

Me: “Right… and how do you sex a squirrel with binoculars?”

Dad: “Easy; you wait until they turn around and lift up their tail.” *takes sip of coffee, totally serious* “It’s the same thing with people.”


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