(I work ocean rescue in Florida, and we wear neon green shirts with red writing all over them loudly stating that we are OCEAN RESCUE, and listing where we are located, etc. I am visiting my friend in Chicago and while shopping at a store, I am wearing the aforementioned brightly-coloured shirt. A very obnoxious woman comes up and hits me with her cart.)

Lady: “Do you work here?”

(I didn’t think someone could be so blind and stupid because the uniform for that store is a black and blue shirt.)

Lady: “I SAID, ‘DO YOU WORK HERE?!’ WHAT ARE YOU? DUMB?”

Me: *finally figuring out she’s serious* “No—”

(She shoves her cart into me again, so angrily I grab the cart and say:)

Me: “Lady! You must be the dumb one! What part of ‘OCEAN RESCUE’ means that I work here? And if you hit me with your cart again, I will find someone who works here and file charges against you!”

(The lady grumbled to herself, and an associate finally walked over and asked if something was wrong. I relayed the entire story to her, and she asked if she could do anything for me. I told her thank you but no, I would just be on my way. It still bewilders me how stupid and unaware people are.)

(My old college roommate and I are out for the evening and find ourselves in a bar mostly patronized by college kids and twenty-somethings. We are pushing 40, so we’re skewing the average age quite a bit. While I’m in line for the restroom, a young woman wearing a Wisconsin sweatshirt tries to subtly cut in at the front of the line. I can see the others looking annoyed, but no one says anything.)

Me: “Hey, Wisconsin! End of the line’s back there!”

(The other girls in line are in shock at first, and then applaud.)

Wisconsin: *sheepishly walks to end of line*

(Pretty sure for the rest of the night I was the sassy old lady in line for the restroom. It felt good to be a role model for the next generation.)

(I am riding a train to Tennessee for a relative’s wedding. I just got off of a train and I am transferring to another one. My previous train was delayed, so I arrived four hours late. My next train is starting in a few minutes, so I take a ride on a cart to get there faster. Suddenly, an old lady approaches the driver.)

Lady: “Sir, could I please get on? My train leaves in two hours and I would like to be there early.”

Cart Driver: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but this young man is already on, and with his luggage, the cart is too full to take another person.”

Lady: “I’m eighty f****** years old! I deserve the cart more than this man!”

Cart Driver: “His train leaves in a minute, ma’am.”

Lady: “Well, I’m old, so I have privileges!”

Cart Driver: “I’m afraid not, ma’am. Your train leaves in two hours. This man’s train is leaving very soon.”

Lady: *starts hitting the driver with her purse* “Who the h*** do you think you are?”

Cart Driver: “Ma’am, I will come back for you. Let me just take this man.”

(He drives away, and luckily, I make it to my train on time. Once I’m on, I see a younger woman approach the driver with the same old lady.)

Younger Woman: “How dare you not take my mother on?! You should be fired!”

Cart Driver: “I’m sorry, ma’am.”

Younger Woman: “You should be! My mother and I have to make it to our train!”

(As the train left, I felt sorry for the poor guy.)

(At my job, we handle hundreds of thousands of customers per day, across five different programs that barely talk to each other. It’s long been considered one of the low points of the job. Although I work at home, I’m the office “girl Friday” who can fluently work across all five programs, so when one team in my department needs help, I’m usually the first asked to move teams. Within the last month, the company has announced a new program that supposedly consolidates all five, reducing the back-and-forth we all have to deal with. As it starts next week, I text my husband about it on my break.)

Me: “I have OT on Tuesday for the training before it rolls out.”

Husband: “Sad face.”

Me: “It rolls out next month. Hopefully it lives up to the ‘All in One’ thing they’ve been telling us.”

Husband: “The one program to rule them all?”

Me: “That is the hope.”

Husband: “Three programs were given to the trainees, their eyes full of hope, seven to the second tier, in their offices of white. And nine programs were thrown upon the work-from-homers, doomed to multitask.”

(I was laughing so hard I was late getting back from my break. I love that man!)

(A customer was looking for a pair of waterproof boots, we have tons of boots, very few waterproof. I decided to show her a pair of sheepskin Ugg boots.)
Me: This Ugg boot is waterproof.
Customer: I don’t know how to feel about Ugg.
Me: Why is that?
Customer: You know, because of what they do to the seals.
Me: Well this pair right here is made from sheepskin.