(A regular customer of mine comes in on a busy Saturday morning for her monthly trim. She is very particular, but we get along really well. I have been cutting her hair for at least ten years. After I cut her hair, I ask her to feel it, show her the back with a hand mirror, let her hold the mirror and look at it herself, and she confirms she is satisfied with her trim… except for one thing. She wants the back shorter. This is a usual request, but this time she specifically said she wanted it left longer, so I am surprised when she asks me to go shorter. I tell her to give it a try for a couple days and if she still wants to go shorter, I will do it for free. She agrees and leaves the salon. Two hours later, she comes back, red-faced.)

Me: “Hi! Did you decide you wanted to go shorter after all?”

Customer: “No! You cut my hair way too short! This is terrible! How dare you do this to me? You used to be such a good hairdresser!”

Me: *stunned* “I’m very sorry you feel that w—“

Customer: *cutting me off* “You stop talking and give me my money back! Not another word!”

Me: “I understa—“

Customer: “NOT ANOTHER WORD! GIVE ME MY MONEY!”

(I hand her the money and she leaves, and I think it’s all over. But wait! There’s more! Two weeks later, she comes in and demands “the free haircut” I apparently promised her and makes a big fuss about how long I left her hair. I gently ask her to not return to my salon, as I no longer feel I could meet her needs since she so bluntly told me I suck at my job. She shouts at me, and tells me this is unacceptable because:)

Customer: “I live so close to here, but you want me to find a new salon?”

(I mean, we live in a city with a thousand salons, sooo… Yes, yes, I do.)

(My mother works as a customer service representative for a company that makes lamps. About five years ago, they started listing all of their products online, rather than in print. Today she told me about a particular customer that called her.)

Mom: “Thank you for calling [Company]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, I have an old catalog of yours, and I was wondering if you could send me a more current one.”

Mom: “You can see our most current catalog online at [Website].”

Caller: “No, no, I need it in a book.”

Mom: “The last physical copy of our catalog was printed in 2012. Our catalog is online now.”

Caller: “So you haven’t been making lamps since 2012?”

Mom: “No, we still make lamps. Our catalog is on our website, [Website].”

(The caller starts to get angry.)

Caller: “No, no, no! I need a physical copy of your catalog to put on my shelf! Send me your most recent catalog in a book!”

Mom: “Sir, I can’t do that. We don’t print our catalog anymore. You need to use our website.”

(This went back and forth for another minute or so before the caller hung up. Some people just can’t take no for an answer.)

Me: “Hi! Welcome to [Toy Store]. Can I help you find anything in particular?”

Customer: “I’m mad at my sister and my nephew’s birthday is coming up. What do you have that makes loud, repetitive noises and can’t be turned off?”

(I am in college and working at a small restaurant over the summer. It is mid-afternoon and only one other person is working. A man comes in carrying a winter coat and a radio, but no backpack as one might expect if he were homeless. He uses the bathroom and then comes up to me.)
Customer: Can I have a packet of ketchup?
Me: Um, sure…here you go.
Customer: Is that you in that picture?
(The picture on the wall is of the owners, a married couple in their 40s.)
Me: No, those are the owners.
Customer: It is you!
Me: No, it’s not. It’s the owner, and her husband, the other owner.
Customer: Are you SURE? It looks just like you!
Me: …I’m sure.
(Customer leaves without buying anything.)

(My mom, my brother, and I are all avid bakers, so when we’re all home and we’re cooking for the holidays, we go all out. Not everyone in our extended family celebrates Christmas, but everyone is coming to my aunt’s holiday party, so we decide to make a yule log cake, among other things. We’ve finished baking the cake and rolling it with almond cream.)

Mom: “Okay, the cake is rolled up, so we’re going to let it set in the fridge for a couple of hours. After that, the only thing left to do is to cover the whole thing in about a liter of chocolate ganache.”

Brother: “That. That is an excellent sentence. Please use that sentence more often.”