Snickerdoodles Start Fights

, , , , , , | Learning | May 16, 2018

(One of the girls in my research lab, [Labmate #1], moved from Iraq to the US when she was twelve, and although her English is excellent, she’ll occasionally still need an explanation of more obscure phrases and idioms. One weekend she agrees to take care of the lab mice, usually my job, so that I can go visit my family. I bake her a batch of cookies to thank her. When I come in, she’s working with the microscope, and [Labmate #2]’s girlfriend is hanging around waiting for [Labmate #2] to show up.)

Me: “Hey, [Labmate #1]! Thanks for taking care of the mice! I made you snickerdoodles as a thank-you.”

Labmate #1: “Oh, thanks.”

(She takes the plate but makes the, “I don’t know that word and I don’t want to ask,” face, so I explain.)

Me: “Snickerdoodles are basically sugar cookies with cinnamon. I added extra cinnamon, since I know that’s your favorite.”

Labmate #1: “Ooh, thanks!”

(Her eyes light up, and she happily rips the foil off the plate and takes a huge bite out of a cookie.)

Girlfriend: “Excuse me?!”

(I turn around to see [Labmate #2]’s girlfriend glaring at me.)

Me: “What?”

Girlfriend: “How dare you assume that just because she wasn’t born here, she doesn’t know English! That’s so racist of you!”

Labmate #1: *on her third cookie* “Dude, chill. English is my third language, and there’s still some words I don’t know.”

Girlfriend: “But she shouldn’t have assumed you didn’t know! That’s so rude!”

Labmate #1: “But I didn’t know.” *to me* “Was I making the face?”

Me: “You were totally making the face.”

Labmate #1: “There you go. Now I know what these are, and I have cookies.” *goes back to eating*

Girlfriend: “You should have waited for her to ask!”

Labmate #1: “Will you chill out? It might be different for different people, but for us, this is not a big deal. If you keep making a fuss, I’m not sharing my cookies with you.”

Me: “Are you sure you’re sharing at all? You’re a dozen cookies in already.”

Labmate #1: *taking another cookie* “Yeah, I’m probably not sharing. So, do you want me to take care of the mice this weekend, as well? I will totally mouse-sit for more cookies!”

(I had to laugh, and the girlfriend huffed and left. When we told [Labmate #2] later, she rolled her eyes. That relationship didn’t last long.)

Unfiltered Story #110699

, , | Unfiltered | May 15, 2018

I work for a cell phone retail store that also has a repair center. We always recommend a customer gets insurance on the phones we sell and explain to the customer how it works. The customer just purchased an iPhone 6 Plus 128Gb which has a retail cost of $1,150.

Me : I highly recommend getting the insurance on this phone. If anything major happens to it you just have to pay a $200 deductible and you’ll get sent a replacement.

Customer : insurance is a waste of money and a scam to take even more money from people too stupid to see it.

He then leaves and a week later comes back to exchange his phone.

Customer : my phone doesn’t woek. (Shoves box into my hands.

Me : (Opening the box I see why) I’m sorry Sir this phone is completely shattered I can’t exchange it, that’s why I recommended the insurance.

Customer : but I’ve only had it a week, can’t you just add insurance so I can repair it?

Me : I’m sorry Sir, that would be insurance fraud. I can’t do that or I can lose my job.

Customer : I don’t care, put it on so I can get a new one or I’ll corporate and get your ass fired.

Me : Well Sir I don’t like being threatened so you can get out of my store. (And I give him his broken phone)

Customer : Well what are you going yo do about it you stupid f**?

Me : I’m going to call the police (and pick up the phone and start dialing)

Customer runs away and never returns.

Olive Foil

, , , , , | Right | May 10, 2018

(As a general, one of my duties is to return items that customers no longer want at checkout to their proper places throughout the store. I have a cart full of such items and am working on returning it all. Halfway done, I am stopped by a customer who needs assistance.)

Customer: “Excuse me. Do you know where the olives are?”

Me: “Sure thing!”

(I lead him to the aisle with the olives, returning a can of olives in my cart to its proper place on the shelf. As I am about to leave, the customer stops me again.)

Customer: “Excuse me, but you don’t seem to have any of the olives I want.”

Me: “What kind of olives do you want?”

Customer: “I want the olives without the pits.”

Me: *pointing to jars on the shelf* “These do not have pits in them. They are actually filled with—”

Customer: “I want the ones without the holes.”

Me: “Okay…” *I point out other jars to him* “These ones do not have holes in them.”

Customer: “But those have pits in them.”

Me: “So you want olives without the pits, but without the holes.”

Customer: “Yes.”

(After standing there with him in frustrated and confused silence for another minute, I directed him to the olive bar upstairs so he could choose whichever olives he desired. As soon as he started to leave, I bolted out of the aisle with my shopping cart, hoping to avoid him until he left the store.)

I Got 99 Problems And Your Change Is One

, , , , , | Right | May 9, 2018

(A customer comes in to buy a key for a car. I make the key, and the total comes to $5.01, and he gives me $6.00. I ask him if he has a penny or nickel so that I do not have to dump a lot of change on him. He says no, so I give him 99 cents in change. Less than five minutes later, he returns.)

Customer: “That key worked really well. When I went elsewhere they could not get one to work, so I want another one.”

(I make another key, and of course it is the same price.)

Customer: “Here is six dollars.”

Me: “Can you give me a penny?”

Customer: “I have no change.”

Me: “Didn’t I just give you 99 cents in change?”

Customer: “Oh, right.” *hands me a penny*

(I have no idea what he was thinking.)

Queen Of The Dead

, , , , , , | Romantic | May 6, 2018

(My anatomy and physiology class has started cadaver dissections, and although the professor is on hand to help or answer questions, he tries to let us do as much of it as possible. When a student accidentally nicks his palm with the scalpel, the professor ducks out of the lab to help him disinfect and bandage it, and since I have to change my gloves anyway, I take the opportunity to text my boyfriend.)

Me: “Warning: unsupervised undergrads with scalpels.”

Boyfriend: “It’s important to stab someone first to establish superiority.”

Me: “Nah, [Classmate] managed to stab himself with no help from me, which is why we’re currently unsupervised. My superiority is already established by my ability to properly wield the tools of dissection. I rule as Queen.”

Boyfriend: “Enjoy your reign of the land of corpses, and for any potential mutineers, threaten that they shall share the fate of the unwilling subjects of evisceration!”

Me: “The dissection cadavers donated their bodies to science, though; they’re not unwilling.”

Boyfriend: “Oh. Well, enjoy your stint as the queen of the dead things, then! Stir-fry tonight?”

(This counts as normal for us. He may be The One.)

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