Offering A Knuckle Sandwich

, , , , , , , | Right | January 18, 2018

(I am a very petite female. I am the customer at a coffee shop I frequent often. The employees are very nice and most of them know me by now. I purchase a sandwich and a drink, set up my laptop, open the sandwich, and begin to work. A few minutes later I go to the restroom, leaving behind my items, only to come out to a man in his mid-40s eating my sandwich, right next to where I have been sitting. I hate confronting people and would have brushed it off, but it is just too weird.)

Me: “Excuse me. Are you eating my sandwich?”

Customer: “No, this is mine.”

Me: “I took a couple bites out of it, and there’s lip-gloss on the bite marks on ‘your’ sandwich.”

Customer: “Get your own! You young people are always taking things away from the more deserving!”

Me: *now confused and embarrassed, as everyone in the shop is staring* “Sir, that’s my sandwich. You can have it. It’s no big deal; it’s just a turkey sandwich. But I’m not the thief, here.”

Employee: “Wait. Sir, did you take this woman’s sandwich?”

Customer: “No. I’ll fight her for it!”

Employee & Me: *at same time* “You want to fight for it?!”

(There is moment of silence as the other customers and employees look back and forth between my five-foot frame and the man’s six-foot frame. The other customer looks around for a moment, then grabs my sandwich and runs out.)

Employee: “Do you want another sandwich?”

Me: “I don’t think I’ll ever eat a turkey sandwich again.”

Grumpy Grandma Gripes Over Girl’s Goggles

, , , , , | Right | January 15, 2018

(I work at my local pool as a lifeguard. During this rotation I’m in charge of the slide. I notice a little girl about to go down with goggles on; we don’t allow kids to wear goggles on the slide.)

Me: *to the little girl* “Sweetie, could you take off your goggles?”

Little Girl: “Okay!”

(She goes down and doggie paddles slowly to the exit stairs as she speaks to her grandmother.)

Grandmother: *to little girl* “Hey, [Little Girl], where are your goggles?”

Little Girl: “The lifeguard said I couldn’t wear them.”

Grandmother: “Well, that’s outrageous.” *to me* “Why can’t she wear goggles?”

Me: “The slide makes the rider go too fast for the goggles to stay on, which causes them to fall to the bottom of the diving well. Then, I have to go get them.”

Grandmother: “That’s nonsense! You cater to us; it’s in your job description. Let the people have a fun time.”

Me: “Actually, my job is patron surveillance, not aquatic party planner.”

Grandmother: *storms up the stairs to the slide* “I’ll prove these things won’t fall off.” *goes down slide, and the goggles fall off*


Grandmother: “Would you get that for me?”

Got A Triple Of Problems With Your Diagnosis

, , , | Healthy | January 15, 2018

(I’m at my ob-gyn office for a prenatal check-up. I’ve been going to this office for six years. A doctor I’ve never seen before walks in.)

Doctor: “You’re here to renew your hormonal birth control prescription?”

Me: “No?”

(I’m just entering my third trimester with triplets. He could see my belly if he’d look up from his phone. You could see my belly from the other side of the state at this point!)

Doctor: *looks confused for a second but still doesn’t make eye contact, instead condescendingly says* “You are aware that condoms aren’t 100% effective, right?”

Me: “Gee, I wish you’d told me that seven months ago…”

(He finally looked up and tried to pass it off as there being another patient in the office right that minute with my very unusual first and last name.)

Returner Burner: International Edition

, , , | Right | January 5, 2018

(I have been working at this store only a few months. A customer walks in and asks me a ton of questions about one of our tool sets.)

Customer: “…and these are the best, yeah?”

Me: “Top of the line, sir.”

Customer: “What happens if these break?”

Me: “This particular set has a lifetime warranty, so just bring it back and we’ll exchange whatever you bring in then and there.”

Customer: “Can I call to exchange them?”

Me: “Our company won’t allow that, unless all of our stores close down, to be perfectly honest.”

Customer: “Oh. See, I’m shipping them overseas to a relative, and I need to make sure they can exchange them easily.”

Me: “There’s no way you can call to exchange. My recommendation is to just send them money and have them buy tools where they are.”

Customer: “They are nowhere near a hardware store where they live. Thanks anyway.” *leaves*

Me: *to Coworker* “Does that kind of conversation happen a lot here?”

Coworker: *sighs* “I’m surprised today was the first day you got it.”

Returner Burner, Part 7
Returner Burner, Part 6
Returner Burner, Part 5

Honestly, We Could Go On And On…

, , , , , , | Learning | January 3, 2018

(I’m a research student. My PI has twin five-year-old girls, and I have a side job doing costumes for a children’s theater camp, so we both know every word to every Disney song ever written, for better or worse. One day while we’re waiting for a polymerase reaction to run, we’re singing Moana songs, not loudly, to pass the time. Right around the time we reach “We Know the Way,” we hear from down the hall…)

Random Research Student: “Will you nerds please shut up?! I am so f****** sick of hearing that everywhere!”

Voice: *from the lab next to ours* “You shut up; I’m enjoying it! If you have a problem with it, shut your door, but it’s keeping me entertained while my reaction incubates. I think the phrase you’re looking for is, ‘Thank you!’”

(Without missing a beat, my professor and I launched into, “You’re Welcome.” A second later, we heard the third voice join in, and a door down the hall slam.)

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