Moonshine Is The Devil’s Drink; Wine Is A Gift From God

, , , , , , | Related | April 12, 2021

My mother-in-law recently bought a house in a small rural town and asked my husband and me to move in with her. She is very religious and has an interesting take on what is moral and what isn’t. Once we get settled in, I decide to learn a bit about the local history.

Me: “And did you know that [Town] used to be called [Name] Tavern? It was known for its moonshine. It’s a shame that there isn’t a bar in town called [Name] Tavern, but since it’s a dry county, I guess that’s out.”

Mother-In-Law: “We have moved into a hotbed of sin and alcoholism! We live in a tavern! How will I ever face my friends again?! They’ll think I’m a dirty liquor lover if they ever find out! Moonshine is the devil’s drink!

My husband then comes out of his office. 

Husband: “Hey, [My Name], do you feel like driving to [Neighboring Town] and getting us some wine to go with the steaks tonight?”

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, get me a good Pinot Grigio while you’re there. I’m almost out.”

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You’re Allowed To Complain – Just Admit That’s What You’re Doing!

, , , | Right | March 27, 2021

Customer: “Do you have a comment card I can fill out?”

Me: “No, sir, but we have an online survey where you can leave comments. I am the manager on duty; how can I help?”

Customer: “Well, I’m not complaining, but our meal was terrible. The steak was way too small, and…”

Complain, complain, complain…

A friend of his walks by and says:

Customer’s Friend: “Hey, man! Great to see you! How you been doing?”

Customer: “Great, man! Too blessed to complain about anything! Good seeing you!”

The customer turns back to me.

Customer: “Anyway, my wife’s meal was bad, too. She…”

Complain, complain, complain…

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Slip In A Book About Irony While You’re At It

, , , , , | Right | March 20, 2021

In the library where I work, you can renew your loan as long as there is not someone else waiting for that particular book. This is so patrons won’t have to wait longer than necessary for their books. However, not all patrons understand that library services mean you have to share.

For health reasons, we are offering phone and curbside service only.

Me: “Hello, and welcome to [Library]. You’re speaking to [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Patron: “I have a few overdue loans that I want to renew; I’m not finished with them.”

Me: “All right, let’s have a look and see if I can help you with that. May I have your details, please?”

The patron gives me the information I need to look them up in the system.

Me: “Thank you! All right, I can renew [Book #1] and [Book #2] for you, but unfortunately, someone else is waiting for [Book #3], so that one needs to be returned as soon as possible.”

Patron: “Aw, can’t you make an exception? There is a health crisis going on, you know.”

Me: “Yes, I’m aware, but that is a very popular book, and a lot of people want to read it right now. I’m afraid you need to return it, but I can put a new hold on it for you as soon as it’s been returned.”

Patron: “That’s horrible service! How am I supposed to return the book, huh? You’re not even open!”

Me: “There is a slot right outside our entrance where you can return your books twenty-four-seven. If you’re in isolation and no one can help you return your books, we can arrange for a safe pickup outside your home.”

Patron: “All right, all right, I’ll get my husband to drop it off when he gets a chance, but it probably won’t be until next week. I just want you to know that this is very inconvenient for me. Anyway, while I have you on the phone, can you check if any of my holds have come in? I was expecting a book last week.”

Me: “Ah, yes. I can see that one of the books you have on hold seems to be overdue. The patron who has it checked out hasn’t returned it yet.”

Patron: “What?! Why won’t they return their books in time? I’m waiting for that book! You need to call them and make them return it immediately! My husband will be in town tomorrow; he’ll pick it up for me then!”

At this point, I had just given up on humanity in general and mumbled something halfway polite before I ended the call as soon as I could.

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Customers That Leave A Bad Taste

, , , , | Right | March 17, 2021

I am a supervisor at a popular store. Now that the holidays are over, it has been pretty slow, so we have fewer associates in the store since there is less to do.

I am the current manager on duty and I am talking to my assistant manager about upcoming projects near the registers. The cashier takes the one customer in line and asks how her shopping experience was.

Customer: “Terrible! I don’t think there is anyone working upstairs at all!”

Cashier: *Casually* “There probably isn’t.”

The assistant manager and I exchanged bewildered looks. There is never no one working in an area, especially at night when the bulk of the work gets done. There are also several price checkers on each floor that all have a button to call for an associate. We both approach the register.

Assistant Manager: “We do have four people working upstairs right now.”

Me: “I’m so sorry that you weren’t able to find anyone. Is there anything you were looking for? I can have someone help find it now.”

Customer: “No, I found [Upstairs Associate]. She was very helpful. But I had to go and find her. You should have more people. I want your corporate phone number.”

While the assistant manager shows her where she can get the number and briefly explains the funding and floor coverage, I relay communication to our upstairs team to make sure they are not getting too absorbed in one area and to remember to walk their areas so that customers know they are there.

Customer: “I usually like shopping at [Store], but this whole experience has left a bad taste in my mouth. We’ll see how I feel about it tomorrow. No wonder my store in Alabama is closing.”

Assistant Manager: “There are three to five stores that are closing in order to reopen in different locations. So [Store] is keeping the same number of stores.”

We make sure that the customer doesn’t need anything else and let [Cashier] finish. I then have to leave for my lunch. 

The transaction ends up taking almost forty minutes! It’s usually five to ten minutes max for a very full cart. The customer lost her wallet upstairs, so [Upstairs Associate] brings it down and then she and the cashier start talking for a while. Luckily, there are almost no other customers in the store, and we have someone there to help the couple that come up to check out.

Later on, I am talking to the assistant manager about it. 

Assistant Manager: “…and guess what? [Customer] opened a [Store Credit Card]! I guess she didn’t have such a bad taste in her mouth that she didn’t want to stop shopping here!”

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Do As I Say, Not As I Do

, , , , | Related | March 1, 2021

Like all dads, my dad hates when lights are left on when you’re not in the room. This exchange occurs as I’m walking back into my bedroom after getting up to blow my nose. My dad is standing at the kitchen counter pouring a drink.

Dad: “Hey… why is your bedroom light on if you’re not in there?”

Me: “Because I left it on?”

Dad: “But you’re not in there.”

Me: “Maybe the bed likes the light; you don’t know.”

He starts to argue when I happen to glance over and see his bedroom light on.

Me: “HEY, WHY IS YOUR BEDROOM LIGHT ON?!”

There’s a long pause.

Dad: “Now, listen here, you little s***…”

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