Customer: “I see you’ve expanded your self-checkout area… again. At the expense of your human-operated checkout lanes… again.”

Me: “Well, not me personally, but yes, the store did add more self-checkouts as there seems to be a higher demand for them.”

Customer: “It’s so sad that this is where our country is heading. People don’t want to talk to each other anymore. Whatever happened to friendly human interaction?”

I scan her bread and pass it to the bagger. The customer immediately goes through a personality change.

Customer: “Don’t you dare put that in the bag first! It’ll get crushed, you moron!”

Bagger: “I was just putting it aside, ma’am. I wasn’t going to bag it—”

Customer: “I don’t believe you. You’re just saying that now because I spoke up. You’re lucky I am here using the original checkout lanes and keeping you boys employed! If I used the self-checkouts, I’d be doing your job for you! Next time, I think I will — and I’ll demand an employee discount from the manager for doing your jobs for you!”

The next customer in line has had enough.

Next Customer: “Whatever happened to friendly human interaction?”

Customer: “They’re being incompetent!”

Next Customer: “They’re being lovely human beings. You’re being a monster. Just hurry up and let them finish so we can all get moving.”

Customer: *To me* “See what I mean? This country is getting worse. No one wants to have social interactions anymore!”

Next Customer: “If these last few minutes are an indication of what you’re like, then it’s no wonder you only have checkout operators to talk to.”

Customer: “Shut up!”

Next Customer: “I’m sorry you’re lonely, but it’s your problem, not the baggers’.”

Customer: *To me* “Make her shut up!”

Me: “Uh… how about we all just stop talking until it’s time to pay?”

Mercifully, everyone took my advice!

Related:
Self-Check Yourself Before You Self-Wreck Yourself, Part 7
Self-Check Yourself Before You Self-Wreck Yourself, Part 6
Self-Check Yourself Before You Self-Wreck Yourself, Part 5
Self-Check Yourself Before You Self-Wreck Yourself, Part 4
Self-Check Yourself Before You Self-Wreck Yourself, Part 3

I use a particularly well-known dating app that allows you to swipe left or right on would-be suitors. I matched with a girl, and my first impression was that she was very attractive, had a nice complexion, and took care of herself, and based on her photos, she enjoyed the great outdoors. Being an outdoorsy guy myself, she ticked a lot of my boxes. We exchanged numbers and went out on our first date.

That’s when her red flags really began showing.

Throughout the entire date at a restaurant I chose, she was mainly on her phone, texting away. In between that, she asked me a lot of personal questions such as my wealth, how much money I made, etc. Out of politeness, I decided not to cut the date short because I also wanted to avoid any potential drama, even though my date was being incredibly rude and obnoxious with her glaringly evident materialistic lifestyle. After we concluded the date, I went home and deleted her number ASAP.

Months went by without any contact whatsoever. I had pretty much forgotten about her up until I got a text from a number that wasn’t saved in my phone.

Date: “I wanted you to know that I am seeing someone new now.”

Me: “I’m sorry, who is this?”

Date: “Wow. It’s [Date]. Don’t pretend like you haven’t been thinking about me.”

Me: “Not really. I mean, why do you think I haven’t texted you since?”

Date: “It’s okay to be mad. Really. But I just want you to know that you can still win me back by taking me here.”

She then sent me a link to a private island vacation in the Caribbean. The price? At least $30,000 per person. I was speechless for a moment.

Me: “Hahaha, tell me this is a joke, please. You seriously think I’m that desperate?”

Date: “If you’re poor, babe, just say so!”

Me: “It’s not a matter of whether I’m poor or not. I just don’t believe that you are worth spending that much money on.”

Date: “Typical broke-a** boy talk.”

For the record, I would not describe myself as poor. I am self-employed and make a very decent income.

Me: “Huh, let’s see for a second. I took you out to [Expensive Restaurant], drove you in my [Expensive Car] because you didn’t want to book a [Rideshare] from your apartment, and paid for everything on the bill that you wanted, which also happened to be the most or nearly the most expensive thing on the menu. Who sounds more poor, love?”

She didn’t respond after that. I sincerely hope that whoever she’s “seeing” now is either incredibly desperate or just as shallow as her. The whole experience put me off dating for such a long time.

A couple approaches me with their items, and the woman instantly gives me a disgusted look.

Female Customer: “I don’t know. I don’t like his energy.”

Male Customer: “Oh, God, not this again. He’s fine!”

Female Customer: “He’s been around angry people all day! I don’t need all that ambient negative energy touching my fruits.”

Me: “I can hear you, ma’am. And I promise you the only way a customer can make me angry is to make incorrect assumptions about me.”

Male Customer: “Ha! He told you!”

Female Customer: “See?! He’s so negative! I need to surround myself with pure and positive energy!”

Male Customer: “You binge-watch murder documentaries and b****y reality shows, and you have a constantly updating group chat literally called ‘Gossip’.”

They checked out with me, but she kept her distance because of my “energy.”

Related:
I Don’t Have The Energy To Argue

This story reminds me of a woman I heard about secondhand at my job. (I heard about it a few days after it happened.)

We had just installed those really nice Coca-Cola Freestyle machines that have like 100-plus options. Evidently, some woman came in, found out that the soda was now self-serve, and freaked out on my coworker, who was a sixteen-year-old girl. The woman screamed at her for several minutes until she cried.

And then, because that wasn’t enough, she went online and blasted us in a bunch of negative reviews for having the “audacity” to “make [her] fill [her] own soda”.

I Google searched the name (because these people almost always just use their full names on Google) and found her on Facebook. Of course, her profile was full of social-justice-y posts, including a whole lot of posts about supporting causes related to kids and adolescents — you know, like the one she screamed at until she cried.

Eye-rolls.

Related:
Those Aren’t Ketchup Packets, Those Are Red Flags…

Customer: “I was waiting in line for a long time.” 

Me: “Sorry, the last customer paid with a check, and I haven’t done one of those in a while. It kinda blindsided me.”

Customer: “Oh, so [Store] hires people who use disabilities as an insult, do they?”

Me: “I… uh… No, it’s just a phrase.”

Customer: “The N-word was once just a phrase!”

Me: “Pretty sure that was always a derogatory insult from the beginning. ‘Blindsided’ just means—”

Customer: “I know what it means and stop saying it!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to cause offense.”

I process the transaction in silence.

Customer: “That item is supposed to be 10% off!”

Me: “Oh, that sale actually starts tomorrow, but I can apply the discount now for you.”

Customer: “Seriously, so dumb.”

The customer was sadly… blind to the irony.

Related:
Deaf To Reason, Part 16
Deaf To Reason, Part 15
Deaf To Reason, Part 14
Deaf To Reason, Part 13
Deaf To Reason, Part 12