Married To The Merry Murderesses

, , , | Romantic | June 14, 2017

(My husband and I share a girlfriend, with whom we live. We share everything pretty equally, including sometimes stealing each other’s clothes, which usually takes the form of our girlfriend or I stealing Hubby’s pajamas. Hubby is outside, while our girlfriend and I are in the bedroom, folding laundry.)

Me: *grabbing a pair of Hubby’s pajama pants* “I can see why you steal these; they’re really comfy.”

Girlfriend: “I know he sometimes gets annoyed, but it’s his fault for having such comfy clothes.”

Me: “He had it coming.”

Girlfriend: *singing* “He had it coming. He had it coming. He only had himself to blame.”

Me: *also singing* “If you’d’a been there, if you’d’a seen it, I betchya you would have done the same.”

Girlfriend: “Good thing he wasn’t in here, we may have worried him.”

Me: “At least he’s seen Chicago, so he’d probably just roll his eyes. Otherwise I’m sure he would’ve backed away slowly…”

(Of course, he was outside the bedroom window, so he probably heard us anyway.)

Married To Sheldon Cooper, Part 16

, , | Romantic | June 13, 2017

(I’m the idiot in this one. My family often jokes that I’m a true cat person — not just that I like them, but that I’m neurotic like a cat as well. They DO love their routine and tend to get upset with changes. Now, my husband and I have a simple evening routine during the week. He gets ready for bed while I take care of the cats, then I get ready for bed and join him in the bedroom. The timing usually works out perfectly for me to just head into the bathroom once the cats are fed. This night, however…)

Me: *without even looking, opens bathroom door*

Husband: *chuckles* “Not done quite yet.”

Me: *stares unbelievingly* “But… you’re supposed to be in the bedroom by now.”

Husband: “I know. I’m dawdling a bit, but I’ll be out in a minute.”

Me: “But you’re not supposed to be in here anymore!”

Husband: *patiently* “Dear, why don’t you sit down and wait a minute and then it’ll all be as usual.”

Me: “But you don’t understand. We have a routine. You didn’t follow the routine.”

Husband: *sighs and closes bathroom door in my face*

Me: “ROUTINE!”

(What really made my husband break into hysterics was when he was done, he thoughtfully left the bathroom light on for me, only for me to enter the room on autopilot and promptly push the light switch, leaving me in pitch darkness. I’m sure glad he puts up with my weird ways!)

Must Have Some Emotional Scars

, , , | Romantic | June 12, 2017

(My wife has a habit of talking in her sleep when she is stressed. In the middle of the night, I really need to go to the bathroom. When I come back, the following happens.)

Wife: *in a evil voice* “We need to kill him.”

Me: “Sorry, hon; what did you say?”

Wife: “Shh. He is here.”

(As I am lying down in the bed, my wife turns to me.)

Wife: *in a creepy voice* “Long… live… the… king…”

Shut Down Your Brain

, , , , , | Romantic | June 11, 2017

(I’m on a Skype phone call on my laptop with my ex-boyfriend. He just got done helping me finish a character for a Dungeons and Dragons game I’m trying to make. I start to talk about something when the Skype call drops and a second later my phone rings.)

Me: “Hello?”

Ex: “So, I am not a smart man.”

Me: “What happened?”

Ex: “Since we were done with your character and your voice was coming through my headphones I shut down my computer, which in turn ended the Skype call.”

Me: *cracking up for the next five minutes*

Try Some Phish Food Instead

, , , , | Romantic | June 10, 2017

(My husband and I are trying to figure out what to have for dinner.)

Husband: “I mean there’s seafood… or breakfast food. Breakfast fish?”

Me: “I’m not so sure breakfast fish is a thing.”

Husband: “Well you never know. I mean, there’s fish candy.”

Me: “You mean Swedish fish?”

Husband: “Yes.”

Me: “Those aren’t fish flavored.”

Husband: “Oh.”

(Pause.)

Me: “Did you really think they were fish flavored?”

Husband: “Little bit.”

(After some more thought, we realized there ARE breakfast fish dishes: kippers, smoked salmon, and fried catfish and eggs, among others.. But Swedish fish still aren’t fish flavored.)

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