“Every Day” With You Is Another Day Wasted

, , , , , , , | Romantic | December 1, 2017

(I get invited to go camping with a good female friend of mine, her boyfriend, and a few other friends. I agree, thinking it’ll be fun, but things eventually change. My female friend breaks up with her boyfriend, who she planned the trip with, and starts dating another guy in our friend group. Soon, others drop out of the camping trip so it’s just my female friend, her current boyfriend, her ex-boyfriend, and me. I can see that this could potentially be awkward, but the campsite is already reserved and my female friend begs me to go. Once she assures me that everything between her and her ex-boyfriend is fine, I decide to still go. Early on in the trip, it becomes evident that everything is not okay with her ex-boyfriend. To make matters worse, the female friend and her current boyfriend decide that the best way to soften the blow for him is to try and set him up with me, since I am single. Finally, after two nights of this awkwardness, I decide to talk to the ex-boyfriend. Since we are friends, I want to let him know that I didn’t want this setting up. I also want to see if he is all right.)

Me: “Hey, [Ex-Boyfriend], I feel really bad that [Female Friend] keeps on trying to push you onto me. Just to let you know, I did not ask her to do that. This is completely random and I just want to make sure you are okay.”

Ex-Boyfriend: “Oh, it’s hard. It’s just so soon after we broke up. How can she move on so soon?”

Me: “I’m sorry, bud. It is messed up that’s for sure. Look: I’ve told them to stop. I think they know they crossed a line and won’t do it anymore.”

Ex-Boyfriend: “Thanks, [My Name]. I mean, you’re great and all, but I couldn’t spend every day with you.”

Me: “What?”

Ex-Boyfriend: “Well, to be in a relationship, you have to spend every day with someone. There’s no way I could do that with you.”

(He then went on to explain that I was probably single because others felt this way. He said this as if it was completely normal, while I started to cry and count the days until the trip was over. Fast forward the years, and I am no longer friends with any of these people. The “friend” who said those words to me never understood why I never spoke to him again. I get that he wasn’t having the best time on the trip, but he didn’t need to kick me while he was down.)

Laughable Legality

, , , , , | Romantic | November 30, 2017

(My partner is watching TV and starts laughing. They keep laughing for a good few minutes.)

Me: “Something funny?”

(They keep laughing, and then they fall off the couch. I wait for another minute. I’m vaguely worried they’re hysterical at this point.)

Me: “You okay?”

Partner: *finally catching their breath, quoting a commercial* “’Our legal team believes that, with the safety equipment available to car manufacturers, no one should ever get injured or killed in a car accident.’” *laughs* “’So, call us and we’ll sue ’em!’” *laughs*

Me: “Okay, then… I guess they’ve never heard of cliffs!”

Getting Checked Out At Check Out

, , , , , , , | Romantic | November 29, 2017

(A random guy walks up to my register and winks before I’ve even said anything.)

Me: “Good afternoon, sir. Is this all today?”

Customer: “Are you for sale?” *winks*

Me: “No.” *starts ringing up items*

Customer: “Too bad. I’d buy you in a heartbeat.”

Me: “Your total is $23.37.”

Customer: “Can you make change? I know money is a hard thing for girls.” *laughs*

Me: *bites tongue, hands him his change* “Thank you. Have a good day.”

Customer: “So, when can I take you on a date?”

Me: “Not interested.”

Customer: *winks* “Come on. It’ll be fun.”

Me: “Not interested, and engaged.” *calling to person behind him* “Can I help the next guest?”

Customer: “No! You aren’t, you lying b****! You’re not wearing any ring!”

Me: *pulls out ring on necklace* “Yes, I am. They don’t let us wear rings because they rip the gloves. Next guest, please!”

Customer: “Oh. Well, look me up if you two break up, sugar.” *winks and walks off*

Next Customer: *as she comes up to my register* “What an a**hole.”

It Wouldn’t Cost You Your Soul To Be More Romantic

, , , , , , | Romantic | November 28, 2017

(My girlfriend and I are on a romantic walk, and we stop to sit near a pleasant stream and make deep and meaningful conversation. She is saying how she feels about me and she wants to know how I feel in return.)

Girlfriend: “I believe in soulmates. I don’t think there is anyone else who could make me feel like you do. We get on so well together, and I really can’t imagine being with anyone else. I’m so glad we met. Do you think we are soulmates? What would have happened if we’d never met?”

(I am the most unromantic, but honest, idiot.)

Me: “Well, I think I probably would have got with someone else if I hadn’t met you. There’s so many girls in the world; I’m sure I would have found someone else to get on really well with. I don’t think there is such a thing as a soulmate. I just believe we meet people, and if we fancy them, we get on, and eventually we adapt our personalities to get on with each other and on it goes.”

(Eighteen years of marriage later, I suspect she may have been more right about this than I was!)

Your Fiancé Is An Armful

, , , | Romantic | November 27, 2017

(I’m trying to prepare a simple meal that involves putting frozen food on baking trays, which I line with aluminium foil. My fiancé comes into the kitchen to “help.” He comes up behind me and threads his arms through mine which results in my elbows being forced against my side, making it very hard to use my arms for anything. I am now straining to put a piece of foil over the baking tray as my arms are held back.)

Fiancé: *while laughing at my attempts* “To understand the T-Rex, you must become the T-Rex.”

Me: *laughing while eventually succeeding in my task despite the handicap*

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