Relationships, romance, and break-ups!

You Got Grass Growing On Your Roof?

, , , , | Romantic | June 4, 2021

We live under the flight path of a nearby small airport. Once in a while, there is an unusual engine noise and we see a vintage plane of one type or another.

On Friday, it was very cloudy. I heard a plane flying quite low. I commented on that to my husband. He just looked at me.

Husband: “That’s a lawnmower.”

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All Women Learn To Fear The “Hey”

, , , , , | Romantic | June 1, 2021

I meet this guy at a party. At first, we hit it off, and we keep talking on social media, but after some time, he starts giving me some really creepy vibes so I cut back on talking to him. He is never outright rude but is persistent.

On several occasions, he asks me where I live and asks me for my number. Actually, he doesn’t ask; he says, “Tell me where you live,” or, “Give me your number.” Every time, I avoid telling him, and he replies, “All good,” but then a week later, he’ll ask again.

This isn’t enough for me to kick up a fuss, and as we have so many mutual friends, I don’t want to start any drama, so I reply civilly to his messages. This conversation is the turning point for me and happens during the peak of the health crisis.

Guy: “Hi, beautiful, how are you?”

Me: “I’m good. How are you?”

Guy: “Not bad.” 

Silence.

Guy: “What were you up to today?”

Me: “Not much, just getting some work done before dinner.”

Guy: “Ah. I went out for dinner. To [Local Restaurant].”

Me: “Oh, I love that place!”

Guy: “After [global health crisis], can we catch up?”

Me: “Um… sure?”

Guy: “Where do you live?”

Me: “Far away from you, haha.”

Guy: “Where? Tell me.”

Me: “Why do you want to know?”

Guy: “No reason, just asking.”

Me: “Lol, well, just far away from you, haha.”

Guy: “I’m now living in [Suburb].”

Me: “Oh, that’s where [Mutual Friend] used to live. Did you always live there?”

Guy: “It was right next to his place. And no, before I was living near the beach.”

Me: “Lucky! I’ve always wanted to live by the water.”

Guy: “Mhm.”

Me: “So, you and [Mutual Friend] were almost neighbours?”

Guy: “Yep. Where do you live?”

Me: “I already told you.”

Guy: “No, you didn’t.”

Me: “Yes, I did. Far away from you, hahaha.”

He leaves me on “seen” for twenty minutes and then comes back.

Guy: “Are you free tomorrow?”

Me: “I have work tomorrow.”

Guy: “What time?”

Me: “Nine to five.”

Guy: “We can meet up after five?”

Me: “I think you’re forgetting a little health crisis that’s going on these days. It’s also my mother’s birthday and I’m making dinner.”

Guy: “Okay. What about Monday?”

Me: “Again. Health crisis. I thought you wanted to meet up after it was over? Also, Monday is my birthday and I already have plans with my family.”

Guy: “My birthday is Tuesday. We can celebrate together. I have a party on Saturday. Do you want to come?”

Me: “Hahahaha.”

Guy: “What’s so funny?”

Me: “For the third time now. HEALTH CRISIS. And I have told you before that I am living with my parents who have illnesses that make them high-risk and a sister who has asthma and is also high-risk. I can’t put their lives at risk just for a night of partying. Do you understand?”

He leaves me on “seen” for ten minutes.

Guy: “Can you do Wednesday?”

This led to me moving his messages to the “ignore” section of my inbox and essentially ghosting him. This happened about a year ago, and yesterday I was scrolling through my ignored messages for the first time. He messaged me eight times with a “Hey,” or “How are you?” over the last ten months.

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His Name Is Over The Cuckoo’s Nest And Over Your Head

, , , , , , , | Romantic | May 29, 2021

There is one particular actor who, for whatever reason, my brain absolutely refuses to record the name of. I have seen him in at least a dozen movies, in a broad range of roles, and he’s been acting for longer than I’ve been alive. But I simply CANNOT remember his name.

Every time he comes up in conversation, I sigh, rack my brain, and finally resort to imitating a famous scene of his because I CANNOT remember his name.

I don’t think this is too unusual, until one time I start trying to describe a movie to my girlfriend.

Me: “It had this one character, who… D*** it, I can never remember his name, but—”

Girlfriend: “Jack Nicholson.”

Me: “How did you know?!”

Girlfriend: “Because every single time you say that, you always follow it up with, ‘Heeere’s JOHNNY!'”

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Is It Smaller? Then It’s Not Wrong

, , , , | Romantic | May 27, 2021

My husband and I are folding laundry. He picks up an infant swaddler for our two-week-old baby. It’s an odd garment with a pouch and two wings.

Husband: “Honey, how do I fold this?”

Me: “Um… same way you fold a fitted sheet.”

He thought for a moment, rolled it into a wad, and set it on the stack.

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He’ll Be Flying On That Pun High For Ages

, , , , , , | Romantic | May 25, 2021

My husband and I are sitting in the living room talking when we hear a strange, loud, mechanical sound coming from outside.

Me: “Wow, some really weird plane must be flying overhead. I’ve never heard one quite like that. What kind do you think it is? Or could it be a helicopter?”

My husband shrugs his shoulders, grinning, and puts his hands out to the sides with his palms up in a classic “I don’t know” gesture.

Husband: “It’s hard to be certain when things are all up in the air.”

I still think that was the best pun he’s ever made!

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