Some Jokes Never Die

, , , , | Romantic | July 30, 2017

(I’m working as a cashier at a grocery store and ringing up a male customer. After greeting him, I ask him if he needs any bags.)

Customer: “No, mine divorced me years ago.”

Being A Cat Lady: There’s An App For That

, , , , , , | Romantic | July 29, 2017

(My friends and I, all women in our early twenties, decide to get together for a movie marathon and game night. As it gets later and later, the conversation turns to romantic relationships, and the fact that I have yet to have one is brought up. So, one of my friends talks us all into joining a popular dating app. We amuse ourselves by going through profiles on our phones for a while, until this happens.)

Friend #1: *in response to an excited look on my face* “[My Name], are you still on [Dating App]?”

Me: “No, I got bored with that one a while ago. I’m playing [Game] now.”

Friend #3: “You still play [Game]?!”

Friend #2: “Wait, I’ve never heard of [Game] before. What is it?”

Me: *shows her my phone* “It’s this cute game where you have to collect the different cats that come visit your yard . . .” *realizes I just literally chose cats over boys*  “This is probably a more accurate description of me than I would like.”

The Single Biggest Surprise

, , , | Romantic | July 28, 2017

(For years, I used to be single and in the end I started to get really unhappy about that. Since it really became a big issue, lots of friends and coworkers start to give me advice. In some cases I ask for this; in most cases, I don’t. In all cases, I feel uncomfortable with the advice and ignore most of it. I sign up for several dating sites, but don’t get any real life dates from it, frustrating me even more. Some people say I should go on Tinder, including one who had advised me not to go on a dating site, since it is all on looks. Other people start “advising” me I should just wait, as if I hadn’t done that and as if waiting means it will all work out in just a few weeks. I decide there’s no system and that I’m tired of all the nosy people around me, so I quit dating for a while. A few months later, I start feeling lonely again and sign up to a better recommended dating site. At first, the experiment seems to fail again, but then, a nice girl starts talking to me and we have a really nice chat. From that, the dating starts and a few months later she asks me to be her boyfriend. More than a year after that, we decide to go live together. After five months living together, I meet some old friends who used to give me lots of advice about dating.)

Friend #1: “How is everything with you and [Girlfriend]?”

Me: “Good. And how’s your love life?”

Friend #1: “Single again. Had a girlfriend. Didn’t work out.”

Friend #2: “Well, I know the feeling.”

Friend #3: “Don’t worry, lads. I’ve been dating for years. But somehow…”

Friend #1: “Wait… This is a historical moment! [My Name] is the only one here who isn’t single!”

(Which really gave me the feeling I was right to ignore them all along.)

When An Ex Cancels Out Another Ex

, , | Romantic | July 27, 2017

(Five years ago, the ex-girlfriend of a former roommate married my ex-boyfriend. That was one year after I had broken up with him. I didn’t attend their wedding, but we are friends. I get invited to her birthday at their bungalow in the woods. This conversation happens while passing each other in a doorway, with no other people in earshot:)

Me: “Your house is lovely! It must be a breeze to live out here.”

Her: “It is! Oh, why don’t you come live here? We could be [Ex-boyfriend]’s wives together!’

Me: *awkward blank stare*

It’s A Family Affair

, , , | Romantic | July 26, 2017

(I got a text message from my dad telling me that my step-mom had done a DNA test and that her results are back. They indicate that my step-mom has a first cousin in our extremely large metropolitan area.)

Dad: “[Step-sister] and [Step-mom] are doing their ancestry. They are finding that they could be related to the [Married Last Name] family. They traced it to a [Husband’s Paternal Grandmother] married to a [Husband’s Grandfather] in [City my in-laws live in], who died in 2008. [Husband’s Grandfather] died in 2012.”

Me: “Wait, Are you saying my husband is your wife’s first cousin once removed?! I always joked that [Husband] looked like he belonged in the family more than I did.”

Dad: “Yep!”

(I tell my husband.)

Husband: “So, does that make me your… cousband?!”

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