Now Less A Girlfriend AND A Good Friend

, , , , | Romantic | April 25, 2020

The guy I’m dating likes to surprise me by visiting me at work. I decide to return the favor. I walk into the store where he works and see him flirting with a female coworker. His back is to me, so he doesn’t realize I’m there. 

I stand there for a minute, debating whether I should just turn around and walk out. The female coworker looks over at me and immediately steps away from him. He turns around, does a double-take, and gives me a big hug.

Boyfriend: “Oh, [My Name]! I didn’t know you were stopping in today!”

Me: “I thought I’d surprise you. But it looks like you’re too busy doing other things.” 

His face turns red.

Boyfriend: “Never too busy for you! Oh, this is [Coworker]. [Coworker], this is [My Name]. She’s my… good friend.”

I raise an eyebrow.

Me: “‘Good friend,’ huh? That’s one way to put it. [Coworker], it’s nice to meet you. I think I’ll let y’all get back to what you were doing.”

I spin around and walk out. He chases me down.

Boyfriend: “C’mon, babe, don’t be like that.”

Me: “What? You don’t like how your good friend is acting?”

Boyfriend: *Pause* “I f***ed up, didn’t I?”

Me: “That’s one way to put it.”

As you can probably guess, THAT relationship didn’t last much longer!

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You’re The Cat’s Pajamas, Honey!

, , , , , | Romantic | April 24, 2020

A few months ago, my wife and I adopted a pair of cats that we both absolutely adore. My wife and I are in our home office doing our own things when I spy the cats entering the room. I reach back and give them both pets, cooing at them.

Me: “Love you, [Cat #1]! Love you, [Cat #2]!”

I notice my wife looking at me, amused.

Me: “Love you, [Wife]!”

Wife: “Oh, I see. I rank below the cats for your affections.”

Me: *Looking insulted* “Of course not! You’re more of an afterthought.”

She laughed and gave me a thumbs up.

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Are You Cereal?!

, , , , | Romantic | April 22, 2020

My mom, my girlfriend, and I are heading out on a camping trip, and we stop by the store on the way. We need some last-minute food, mainly cereal for me and my girlfriend since Mom didn’t know what to get for us. Since we don’t live together, we are equally as ignorant about each other’s preferences, and we spend a while deciding.

Girlfriend: “What about Rice Krispies?”

Me: “No, I don’t find them filling. Raisin Bran?”

Girlfriend: “No, too boring. How about Honey Nut Cheerios?”

Me: “Okay, but I only like the no-name brand.”

Girlfriend: “But I only like the name-brand!”

I shrug helplessly.

Girlfriend: “There are corn flakes…”

Me: “Yes! Corn flakes! Let’s get that!”

Girlfriend: “Well, maybe there’s something else.”

We spend another few minutes debating over various cereals before deciding to each get our own small box, only big enough for three bowls each, perfect for a three-night camping trip. She gets some kind of granola and I get corn flakes. We get to our campsite, set up, fully enjoy ourselves, and go to sleep, and the next morning we all break out our individual cereals.

Girlfriend: “Oh, this is bad. Can I have your cereal, instead?”

Me: “No! I wanted corn flakes; I got corn flakes! If you wanted corn flakes, you should have gotten corn flakes!”

Girlfriend: “I thought you only said you liked corn flakes because I said I liked corn flakes. I didn’t want you to get something you didn’t like!”

Me: “No, I said I liked corn flakes because I like corn flakes. And there’s only enough for me, so you can’t have them!”

She made do and we enjoyed the weekend. She did eventually enjoy the granola when I thought its fruitiness would be a better base for a cheesecake than graham crackers and fed it to her on her birthday a couple of weeks later.

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You Could Always Try

, , , , , | Romantic | April 21, 2020

The recent quarantine has been hitting my wife especially hard, in part because it’s prevented her from using her prime coping and therapy mechanism: petting dogs.

At home one day, my wife complains that she’s not in the proper mental state to take an online course on assessing happiness. The course is for happiness at work, but I didn’t hear that part. 

I come up with my own suggestion.

Me: “Drink good wine, eat good food, pet good dogs, and have good sex.”

Wife: “It’s for work happiness.”

Me: “Oh.”

Wife: “Besides, I can’t have sex all the time.”

Me: “That’s a very defeatist attitude.”

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The Ups And Downs Of Marriage

, , , | Romantic | April 18, 2020

My husband and I decide to drive to France for our honeymoon. After hanging out on the beach for a few hours, we come back to find that our car window has been smashed. I frantically search for my purse, and he for his wallet, but they’re gone.

We go to the police to file a report. The German translation service tells the police what happened and they start laughing at us. I can make out something along the lines of “stupid foreigners.” I complain, but they refuse to listen or take a report or help at all.

Having no money means no gas. Luckily, we have nearly a tank full, but that isn’t enough to make it back home. My husband gets a “brilliant” idea: turn the car off and let it roll down the hills! I have never been so terrified in my life. When we run out of gas completely, we have to push the car up hills.

We also have to spend a night in that car, which is cold because of the window and lack of heat.

Let’s just say it’s a honeymoon that I’ll never forget, and an omen I shouldn’t have ignored!

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