Not Likely To De-Ice This Relationship

, , , , , | Romantic | June 27, 2020

This began around the end of last year. We were de-icing the stairs at work before the ice storm our weather people told us about. My coworker decided he was going to tell me that he wanted to date me. I instantly rejected him because I have a boyfriend and we’ve been together for five years. He then told me that he kept inviting me places to get to know me and “just hang out” with a beautiful girl. Cue discomfort. I thought it was the end of that after I told him I wasn’t interested in him at all ever.

A couple of months later, I think around January 11th, we were out early in the morning to shovel wet snow that hit us. Our maintenance supervisor couldn’t really help us at that time because he was watching his kid, so my coworker and I were alone again. By the time we finished shoveling the snow, we were exhausted. Our snowblower stopped working again, and then we had to use actual shovels to move the snow.

We were writing down our times when he asked me out again. I told him he needed to learn how to take no for an answer when we were arriving at our HQ, because he’d apparently asked me to dinner and I’d agreed the day before. I don’t remember this, and I took it back if I did, because I was going to see my boyfriend again that same day after we finished work.

He went quiet for the whole time it took us to write down our times and then go back to our maintenance garage to put everything away. He then decided he was going to tell me I had no future with my boyfriend all because he doesn’t have/want a job. (Spoiler alert: neither do I. I’m working because I need money for supplies.)

I thought that was the end of it when I ignored him for the rest of the months, unless it involved work, up until a month ago. He was trying to get with some girl, so I figured it was safe for me to be friendly again and increase the efficiency of the workplace. Well, the girl ghosted him, and now he’s turned back to me for “friendship”. 

So far, I’ve turned down all his offers to hang out or eat lunch with him. I plan on telling him, fully, to back off because it’ll never happen if he asks if I want to date or go somewhere with him again. He’s already making small remarks about my boyfriend when I bring him up, which shows how much he hates that I’m dating someone. Maybe when I find a new job, I’ll give you an update.

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We Can Sympathize With The Need To Escape Reality, But…

, , , , , | Romantic | June 24, 2020

Some years ago, I met a guy. He was kind of cute and we got along well, and we started dating; you know how it goes. He was into Buddhism and spent at least half an hour every day meditating. Cool, I thought.

He talked a lot about his uncle and his uncle’s master who had taught him for some time, too. He adored his uncle’s master. He was wise and patient and very kind. He knew all there is to know about life and meditation and he could levitate. 

Wait, what?

Yes, he confirmed, his uncle’s master could levitate his body by meditating. He could also create fire with his bare hands. What’s more, his uncle’s master’s master could talk to animals.

Surprise, surprise, I didn’t believe him.

He showed me a YouTube video of some guy in Indonesia setting some paper on fire with his hands. You can imagine how convincing it was.

He started digging up more YouTube videos. About reiki practitioners performing miracles. About how there were possibly two suns in our solar system. About aliens having replaced Vladimir Putin with an identical clone. The more absurd the story, the more he got into it.

I drew the line when he tried to replicate an experiment from some self-proclaimed alchemist to create a homunculus by injecting his own sperm into a hen’s egg, then incubating it under a woolly hat in his kitchen.

The whole journey from meditation to aliens took less than two months.

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Soothing The Skittish Cat

, , , , , | Romantic | June 21, 2020

My wife and I were long-distance while dating, and between my last visit and when I moved in, she adopted a cat. The cat was so skittish she hid from nearly everything. She hid during thunderstorms, fireworks, plastic bags being opened, and visitors coming over, and only barely allowed my wife to sometimes pet her.

Me: “When did you know you wanted to marry me?”

Wife: “The day after you moved in.”

Me: *Laughing* “Why, because I cleaned your entire apartment while you were at work and had dinner ready when you got home?”

Wife: “Nah, it was [Skittish Cat]. She wasn’t hiding like I thought she’d be with a new person in the house; she was on your lap! You were even petting her and she was just purring away, happy as could be. You looked up, smiled, and said, ‘I thought you said she was skittish!’ That was when I knew. If you could win over [Skittish Cat] that fast, you were someone I needed to be with.”

Me: “And because you like my meatloaf.”

Wife: “And because I love your meatloaf.”


This story has been included in our June 2020 roundup as one of that month’s most memorable stories!

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You Gotta Know How To Push Your Partner’s Buttons

, , , , , | Romantic | June 18, 2020

My boyfriend grew up and lives in Australia half the year and Canada the rest. During the health crisis, he is working a temperature checkpoint at his work, which means that he is pulling double shifts. This also means that, despite everything, we do not get to speak more than twice a week because he is either working or sleeping or I’m the one asleep.

It has been two weeks at this point since our last call, which was our last conversation. I am at work when he sends me a message over Skype, which includes picture spam of my favourite character from an MMORPG, which he always knows cheers me up.

Me: “What’s with the picture spam?”

Boyfriend: “I feel like an a**hole.”

Me: “Why would you say that?”

Boyfriend: “Because I haven’t been around, and whenever I’m free I’m usually helping [Brother] with something or babysitting [Nephew] or neglecting you, and I’m sorry.”

Me: “So, to say sorry, you chose to send me a picture of [Character] in nothing but a loincloth on the beach?”

Boyfriend: “Yes.”

Me: “Apology accepted.”

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We’re Probably All Going To Come Out Of This With Gray Hair

, , , , , | Romantic | June 13, 2020

Our country has been on lockdown since late March. It’s now mid-May, and we’ve only just had some of the severe — and incredibly necessary — restrictions lifted, meaning my lovely hairdresser is once again taking appointments.

By the time I get there, it will have been almost three and a half months since I last had my hair done. Not really a big deal, in the grand scheme of things, but I have noticed a few unwelcome changes.

I also have a running joke that I’m getting old, even though I’ve only just cracked thirty-one.

Me: “Oh, man, I’m so old, my greys are showing! Look!”

Partner: “I really can’t see anything.”

Me: “It’s right there!”

Partner: *Stares intently* “Don’t worry; that’s white, not grey.”

Me: “…”

Partner: “Uh, I mean…”

Me: “Yeah, that didn’t make it better, thanks.”

Partner: “No! It’s fine! You don’t even notice it!”

Me: “Mmm-hmmm.”

I totally don’t care — I’d love a white streak a la Claire Saffitz –but watching my partner trying to backtrack made me giggle which, during this rather scary time, is always welcome.

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