My girlfriend and I are in university together, studying different subjects but at the same campus. 

At one point, we realised that we used a certain meme phrase to a truly absurd degree. It started ironically, but it ended up appearing in most sentences. Naturally, we decided that the best way to combat that was to completely cut it out of our lexicon, using competition!

We’d tally up the number of times we said it, and the person who said the most would get a punishment proportionate to the number of times they said it.

By the end of the first day, my girlfriend had accidentally said it seven times. I hadn’t said it at all.

Girlfriend: “How did you manage this? Not a single slip-up!”

Me: “…My course is about working in schools, remember? I’m going to be working with kids. Of course I can censor myself!”

Our dog has been scratching a lot lately, so my husband got some anti-itch ointment that our vet recommended. Just now, she started really going at it.

Husband: “Where’s the… the dog lube?”

I slowly turned to face him.

Me: “The “dog lube”?”

Husband: “Yeah, you know. Dog lube. For her scratching. I can’t think of a better way to say it.”

Me: “I’m sure almost any word would have been better. It’s next to the dog shampoo.”

It’s Halloween. I see my girlfriend taking some large jars containing individually wrapped chocolates and placing them in a big bowl. She leaves it in the hallway next to the front door.

I then see her eat one quickly as she walks back to the kitchen.

Me: “What’s that bowl for?”

Girlfriend: “Trick or treaters.”

Me: “We live on the 37^th floor of an apartment block filled with one-bedroom and studio apartments. There are no kids in this building. We’re not getting any trick or treaters.”

Girlfriend: *Walking over to grab another chocolate, speaking in monotone.* “Oh no what a tragedy.”

I am browsing through the Christmas displays when I hear a woman calling to her companion, who is in the aisle behind me. We can all see each other as the fixtures are low.

Woman: “Come and look at these ornaments, they are so cute.”

Man: *Scoffs.* “Did you just say ornaments? It’s ordaments, you’re saying it wrong.”

He’s walking toward her as he’s talking.

Woman: “No, I’m not, the word is ornament.”

Man: “What sort of word is ornament? It’s ordament, you’re saying it wrong.” *Lowers his voice.* “It makes you sound dumb.”

Woman: “Okay, then why don’t you try reading the tag?”

Man: “Okaaay, I will… Oh, umm… they aren’t that cute.”

He quickly leaves the area, as she shakes her head, following after him.

I did look at the ornaments that she was indicating. He was right that they weren’t that cute.

My boyfriend at the time was feeling frisky.

Me: “Not this week. I’m on my period.”

Boyfriend: “Why can’t you just push out all the blood so we can get busy?”

Me: “…what?!”

Boyfriend: “Just bear down and push it out like you do when you pee. Women can do that.”

Me: “…no, we can’t. That’s not a thing.”

Boyfriend: “If you can do it when you pee, you can do it to get rid of your period. Women just use it as an excuse not to have sex!”

Me: “Wait… so all this time you thought we could just… push out the period? Have you been thinking that we like it so much that we just… DON’T DO THAT?!”