You Have Her Cornered

, , , , , , | Romantic | January 9, 2019

(When my wife and I are still dating, we usually stop by her parents’ place when we finish working on Fridays. On this particular Friday, we are going to have a barbecue. However, before we get there, my future father-in-law, who is doing the cooking, desperately needs the bathroom. Given that his wife is busy working on dessert and his other daughter is fast asleep, he trusts his son to man the grill while he runs in to do his business. This is his son who, despite pushing 30, has never cooked anything without a microwave. By the time we walk in the door, the whole meal is charcoal.)

Wife: “How about we just get some sandwiches from [Irish Name]’s?”

(We all agree and write down our orders.)

Wife: “I’ll help them clean up. Why don’t you go get the sandwiches? Follow [Her Street] to [Major Street]. [Irish Name]’s is right on the corner there.”

(Off I walk. When I get to the intersection, I am directly in front of a barbershop. Across [Her Street] from the barbershop is a Western Union. Across [Major Street] from the barbershop is a gas station and body shop. Across [Major Street] from the Western Union is a condominium. There’s not one place called [Irish Name]’s. Without a clue, a pop into the barbershop to ask if any of them know of [Irish Name]’s. The two barbers have never heard of any such place. I know I didn’t mishear which street I’m supposed to stop at. Even if I did, following her street the other way to the next major street would take me to a church, a cemetery, and two private houses. So, I walk up this street until I get to the next intersection. There’s a mini-mart — no sandwiches — an apartment building, a florist, and a dentist. I walk back the other way. A bakery — no sandwiches — a Chinese restaurant, a cab depot, and a realtor. Out of ideas and having wasted a fair bit of time, I walk back to her parents’ house.)

Wife: “Where have you been? And where are the sandwiches?”

Me: “Where am I going?”

Wife: “[Irish Name]’s!”

Me: “Where is it?”

Wife: “ON THE CORNER!”

Me: “There is no [Irish Name]’s on any corner.”

Wife: “Of course there is! I got my lunch there just last week!”

Me: “Well, the barbers down the corner said they’ve never heard of it. How about you show me where?”

(The two of us walk back down to [Major Street]. She leads me across towards the gas station… and then continues walking past it.)

Me: *pointing behind us* “You said it was on this corner.”

Wife: “It is!”

(She walks into the building directly behind the gas station.)

Me: “This isn’t the corner. The gas station is on the corner.”

Wife: “Gas stations don’t count. This is the corner.”

(Unwilling to continue this discussion, I just roll my eyes. As I do, I glance at the name of the place we’ve walked into.)

Me: “This also isn’t [Irish Name]’s. This is [Italian Name with a completely different starting letter and more syllables]’s.”

Wife: “This place is always being sold and renamed. We don’t bother following. It was [Irish Name]’s when we first moved here, so we just call it [Irish Name]’s.”

Me: “And you expected me to know that?”

Wife: “It’s on the corner!”

Appallingly Unaware

, , , , , | Romantic | January 8, 2019

(My boyfriend and I are playing a video game where you can get hit with electricity that either shocks or stuns you. We’re playing on two different monitors. He gets hit.)

Boyfriend: “Oh, no, I’m stunned.”

(About five minutes later, I hear:)

Boyfriend: “Now I’m shocked.”

Me: *not able to help myself* “What’s next? You’re going to be appalled?”

The Top Rated Posts Of 2018!

| Friendly Healthy Hopeless Learning Legal Related Right Romantic Working | January 7, 2019

Dear readers,

It’s time to reveal the twenty highest-rated stories from 2018!

 

20 – Playing Unfair With The Fairer Sex
19 – That Is “Pretty” Awesome, Part 2
18 – Bagged Far More Than He Bargained For
17 – The Cake Price Is A Lie
16 – The Bosses Need To Clean Up Their Act
15 – Brunch Time Crunch Time
14 – There’s No Business Like None Of Your Business
13 – Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 11
12 – Dusting Off The Scum
11 – Fart Jokes Exist In A Vacuum
10 – Goodbye Fighting, Hello Kitty
9 – Mouse Versus Evil
8 – Must Be Friends With Aaron Schlossberg
7 – Man, What A Wait!
6 – This Prank Has A Drinking Problem
5 – The Best Comeback Since Sliced Bread
4 – Treat It Like A Boss
3 – Has The Authority To Tell You How It Is
2 – A Reversal Of Fortune
1 – The Adventures Of Captain Camp And Mother Russia

 

Do you have a favorite story from 2018 that didn’t make the top twenty? Don’t worry; you can still push to give it an honorable mention by telling us your best story here.

Love Needs Its Beauty Sleep

, , , , , | Romantic | January 7, 2019

(It’s very late at night, and I am sound asleep when my phone rings.)

Me: *groggily* “H’lo?”

Voice: “[Not My Name]? [Not My Name], it’s Bob.”

Me: “Bob?”

Voice: “Yes. I need to know how you feel about me.”

Me: “What?”

Voice: “Look. I’ve been in love with you for years, and I need to know if you feel the same way.”

Me: “Who is this?”

Voice: *impatiently* “It’s Bob; you know me!”

Me: “It’s 2:30 in the morning. I don’t know who you are, and if you were in love with me, then you’d know better than to call me at this hour.”

Voice: “Look! I just—“

Me: “If you want to talk to me about this, find me and talk to me about it in broad daylight. I don’t love anybody right now. I’m tired. Goodbye.”

(I hung up and went back to sleep. I never got another phone call from the mysterious Bob, and no one ever confessed their hitherto unknown love for me. Seriously, though, there is no confession of love that can’t wait until at least sunrise.)

Just Axing For Trouble

, , , , , | Romantic | January 6, 2019

This happens when I am a single 24-year-old. I am walking home through my local park around nine pm — so wickedly late! — when a girl comes up to me. She’s young, maybe 16 or so, and she tells me she’s been sent over by her friend sitting at the picnic tables to ask me for my number. Apparently, her male friend is too shy to ask me himself.

While this might be considered cute to some, I have literally never seen this boy in my life before. I find it stupid and creepy. But then, I have an idea. While I have no interest in the boy, I am curious about his tactics. I let the girl take my number, and she gives me hers as well as his, so I have some back up that he’s “not a creep or anything.”

About an hour later the young man texts me. Nothing spectacular, but with traditional w1ck3d l33t txt sp33k, with no sense of grammar or spelling, asking me about maybe a date. I text back with proper spelling, capitalization, and grammar — as a hint — to suggest that I don’t know him at all, and point out that asking some stranger for their number in the middle of the night is not the smartest thing to do.

Two more rounds of text ensue; he seems puzzled by my lack of interest. Finally, I drop my kicker.

“You don’t know me at all. I’m just some stranger from the park. For all you know, I could be a psychotic ax-murderer.”

Strangely, he never texted me again after that.

I always wonder if he got the hint about harassing strange women, or if he went around freaked out that he might have just gotten himself put onto a hit list.

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