, , , , | Romantic | October 28, 2019

(I’m at a house party when a long-time acquaintance walks up. I’ve known him since I was 15, and he’s been wanting to have an inappropriate relationship with me. I’m in my mid-40s when this conversation takes place. He is wearing a lifting brace with the logo for Snap-On Tools on the back.)

Me: “Is your back bothering you?”

Acquaintance: “Yes.”

Me: “I hope your back will get better real soon.”

Acquaintance: “I’m the only guy here who can say I have a snap-on tool.”

Me: *in a really loud voice* “[Acquaintance]! I didn’t know it was that short!”

(He left the party shortly after that.)

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Take Your Mansplaining And Shove It Down The Toilet

, , , , , | Romantic | October 25, 2019

(My husband has been disabled the past two years and now sits down to use the toilet. He is also on day two of quitting smoking, so he still goes and sits out on our deck for “a break.” Tonight I join him on the deck.)

Me: “After sitting on that hard seat, I think I need to go poop.”

Husband: “Try sitting on the toilet. Now that I sit to pee, sometimes it just happens, and I’m like, ‘Oh, I needed to poop.’”

Me: *giggling* “Yeah, I get that.” *laughing* “It’s like it’s happened every single day of my life.”

Husband: “Oh, my God. I just explained sitting on the toilet to relieve myself… to a woman.”

Me: *belly-laughing*

Husband: *head in his hands* “I’m an idiot.”

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The Hangover Doesn’t Taste So Suite

, , , , | Romantic | October 22, 2019

Me: “Guest services, how can I help you?”

Caller: “You can help me by telling me what this $500 is on my d*** bill!”

(After looking up his bill, I see that not only did they smoke a number of substances which they left evidence of in the room, but they also broke the entire bathroom mirror, and burned a heart design into the computer desk.)

Me: “Sir, it appears that we have charged a fee on each of your rooms for damage as well as a fee for smoking in the room. This is a non-smoking property.”

Caller: “I can’t help what my girl does.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we have a strict no-smoking policy, and you are responsible for the state of the room because you made the reservation.”

Caller: “I can’t help it! My girl likes to smoke afterward!”

Me: “It also looks like you broke a mirror in one of the rooms.”

Caller: “That was Bibby. Bibby crazy, girl. Bibby crazy.”

Me: “Well sir, you made the reservations, so you are responsible for your girlfriend, as well as ‘Bibby’.”

Caller: “She ain’t my girlfriend, she just my girl.”

Me: “Someone burned a heart into the desk in one of the rooms, and we had to bring in a steam cleaner for both carpets, because of the vomit.”

Caller: “I told you Bibby was crazy.”

Me: “Well, sir, I’m sorry, but we are keeping the damage fee, even though ‘Bibby’ burned the desk.”

Caller: “Oh, no the desk was me.”

Me: “Then it is absolutely your responsibility.”

Caller: “It was a declaration of love, woman. She wanted a declaration of love!”

Me: “If you have any further questions, sir, you’re going to have to call our corporate customer care line.”

Caller: “It was for LOVE!”

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Giving Them Cone Head

, , , , , , | Romantic | October 19, 2019

About twice a year, I go through a fast food drive-thru for an ice cream cone. 

It never fails that some random male driver will get a bit excited watching me lick my cone. At first, I do not look directly at him. Just before my turn, though, I look into his eyes, which excites him even more. Then I bite — hard! — into the top of the cone. 

The male driver always flinches and speeds away. 

I finish my drive laughing.

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My Girlfriend Is Not Always Right

, , , , , | Romantic | October 17, 2019

(My girlfriend and I go to the store to buy food for the week. She works retail and I work in food. As we arrive at the store, we talk about things customers say that are ALWAYS annoying. However, at the register, this happens:)

Cashier: “Huh… this won’t scan.”

Girlfriend: “Won’t scan, huh?”

Me: “No…”

Girlfriend: “Then–”

Me: “Stop!”

Girlfriend: “I guess–”

Me: “Don’t!”

Girlfriend: *with a cringe* “It’s free.”

Me: “Why?!”

Girlfriend: “I honestly don’t know.”

(The cashier was less than amused.)

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