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Relationships, romance, and break-ups!

If It Were A Snake, It Would Have Bitten Him

, , , , | Romantic | September 21, 2022

A previous boyfriend was legendary in his obliviousness. It was a running joke with all his friends and family. This particular instance still makes me laugh.

I had just started a new job that his sister had gotten me, and she warned me that the office had a stalker. This random guy liked to chat up all the long-term female hires and would send the newest ones flowers, chocolates, and love notes. He was technically harmless as he didn’t follow anyone home or talk to the girls in person himself. He also would change his attention to the newest new person — which is a little weird, but it’s better than a regular stalker, I guess?

During my first week there, I was sent this absolutely gorgeous arrangement of roses in a pretty vase with a ribbon bow. [Boyfriend]’s sister said it would be hilarious if I took them home and timed how long it took [Boyfriend] to notice them.

I took them home, put them on an end table by the couch with the light on, curled up on the end right next to the flowers, and started reading. [Boyfriend] came home, said hi, asked about my day, and then went off to change clothes. He came back in, sat with me a while, still chatting, and then wandered out again.

Two hours later, he walked back in and stopped dead.

Boyfriend: “Where did the flowers come from?”

He did not appreciate me laughing and saying they had been there the whole time.

Is This A Thing? I Don’t Think It’s A Thing. Part 2

, , , , , , | Romantic | September 17, 2022

It’s the busy holiday season, and I’m helping a man find a gift for his wife. He’s not sure what he should get her, but he’s very polite, so I don’t mind taking some time to discuss options.

After he selects a lovely (and quite expensive) diamond ring, I check him out at the register. He takes his bag and turns to leave, and then he turns back and casually asks me the following.

Customer: “Oh, also, can I have your number?”

He’s so casual that it catches me completely off-guard.

Me: “Can you… what now?”

Customer: “Oh, this?” *Gestures to the gift bag* “This is a divorce gift.”

I’m stunned speechless for a second.

Me: “A… huh?”

Customer: “I’m divorcing her.”

Me: “WHAT?!”

I look back and forth from him to the jewelry bag, trying to wrap my head around this.

Me: “A divorce gift?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

He says this pleasantly like we’re making completely normal small-talk.

Customer: “So, anyway, can I have your number?”

Me: “Ummm… NO!”

Related:
Is This A Thing? I Don’t Think It’s A Thing.

Cats Are Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

, , , , , , , | Romantic | September 13, 2022

My husband and I recently set up our new bed, including a new bed frame. Our old frame was wooden, while this one is metal, and we have both been stubbing or catching our toes on the edges of the frame.

Hubby: “I have an idea about what to do about the new bed frame! We could get rubber caps to put on the feet…”

Me: “…which would protect both our toes and the floor. Good idea, honey!”

Hubby: “Then, we could wrap the legs and the edges of the frame in yarn! Lots of yarn!”

Me: *Stares in wife*

Hubby: “No? Bad idea?”

Me: “Sweetie, stop and think about what Otis would do to that for a moment.”

Hubby: “Right! We have cats!”

This Strategy Didn’t Quite Hook Up

, , , , | Romantic | September 11, 2022

I have been modeling bridal gowns for fifteen years despite having never been married. After starting a job aboard a cruise ship, I have several men give me their phone numbers.

One man in particular has made his intentions clear; he’s looking for a hookup. He has asked me for a picture of myself. I’m not the hookup type and have told him once before, so to get my point across this time, I send him a picture of myself at a bridal gown fitting — no makeup, hair not done, and bad lighting. My line of thinking is that sending him the picture of me in a wedding dress will get him to ghost me.

Here’s what happens via text.

Man: “Wooooo, you are beautiful! That’s last night?”

Me: “That’s me in a wedding dress.”

Man: “You’re married?”

Me: “I’m not married, just wearing the dress.”

Man: “You look so beautiful!”

Me: *Out loud* “THAT DIDN’T WORK?!”

After facepalming, I told him again that I’m not the hookup type and the topic never came up again.

This Is Why You Don’t Start A Relationship With Beer-Goggles

, , , , , , | Romantic | September 9, 2022

A customer comes up to my till with a few items including a six-pack of beer. As I am about to scan it:

Customer: “Actually, I need to drink less. Can I put that to the side?”

Me: “Sure!”

I put the beer aside and continue scanning. A woman comes up to join him and is staring daggers at me.

Female Customer: “What did you say to him?!”

Me: “Pardon me, ma’am?”

Female Customer: “Stop talking to my man! You can’t have him!” *Turns to him* “What did she say to you?! Was she trying to get your number?!”

Customer: “Uh, no. I was just getting her to put aside the beers.”

She stares at him and then at me. I hold up the beers to prove his story.

Female Customer: “So, you’re giving other women drinks now?! Don’t come home tonight.”

And with that, she storms out. The customer is left behind with the face of a man who has seen this kind of scene play out a few times before.

Customer: “Let me get those beers after all. If I’m going to be in the doghouse tonight, at least I won’t be sober!”