Stupid Jerk Humor

, , , , , , , | Romantic | March 4, 2018

(I am speaking with my wife while on lunch. She is doing computer work at home.)

Me: “You know, it upsets me that most of the chicken from Louisiana is so mean.”

Wife: “What?”

Me: “Yeah, you know, all that jerk chicken from Louisiana.”

Wife: *typing in the background*

Me: “Hello?”

Wife: “Jerk chicken is Jamaican, not creole.”

Me: “You looked that up, didn’t you?”

Wife: “Yes. I thought you were wrong; I just had to make sure.”

(More conversation, and then…)

Me: “You know, it upsets me that most of the chicken from Jamaica is so mean.”

Wife: *laughs uncontrollably*

Romance Is Not In The Cards

, , , , | Romantic | March 3, 2018

(I am shopping in my town’s high street when a woman approaches me. I am male.)

Woman: “You have a very beautiful aura. I can tell you are a fervent believer in the Abrahamic God. Perhaps you and your wife, if you have one of course—” *suggestive look* “—would be interested in joining [Local Church]?”

Me: “Umm, actually, I’m an atheist, and my boyfriend is a Buddhist, so I don’t think [Local Church] would suit us very well.”

(She looks at me like I’ve just grown an extra head and walks away. I finish my shopping and head toward home, only to see her again walking up to a bin. She takes out a pack of cards and a large crystal.)

Woman: “These things are f****** useless!”

(She dropped them in the bin and left. Curious, I took a look. They were tarot cards.)

Being Sour Grapes

, , , , , , | Romantic | March 2, 2018

(My wife and I are contemplating what to name our first child.)

Wife: “I’m not opposed to ‘Grace’ for a middle name.”

Me: “Neither am I. Better that than ‘Grapes.’”

Wife: “What? When was that on the table?”

Me: “Grapes are frequently on tables!”

(My wife says I’m not taking this process seriously. I don’t know what she’s talking about.)

The Number One Thing You Can Do With A Cat

, , , , , , | Romantic | March 1, 2018

(My boyfriend has stayed the night at my house. I leave for my morning class. I expect him to still be asleep when I get home, but he meets me at the door, looking frazzled.)

Boyfriend: “Babe, I’m so sorry!”

Me: “Uh… What?”

Boyfriend: “I accidentally peed on your cat.”

(Turns out, my “helper” cat heard water running in the bathroom and, investigating the splashing noise in the toilet, ended up in the line of fire. My boyfriend calmed down when I explained that [Cat] repeatedly jumped into the toilet as a kitten and that was why I always keep the lid down.)

Doesn’t Realise The Weight Of That Statement

, , , , | Romantic | February 28, 2018

(I have met someone on an online dating website. After enjoying chatting with each other for two weeks, we decide to meet up in person. The first date goes well, and we both agree that we would like to see each other again. On the second date, he brings me to a lookout, which turns out to be much colder and more windy than anticipated, so we end up sitting in his backseat, enjoying the spot. He is much more physically affectionate than I am, although this could be partially due to my never having been out with anyone before him. He begins to cuddle with me. Just as I am beginning to relax, he speaks:)

Date: “I don’t want to kill the mood, but… are you of a healthy weight?”

(He may not have wanted to, but he killed it.)

Page 4/1,418First...23456...Last
« Previous
Next »