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That’s Your Credit Score Down The Toilet

, , , , , , , , | Right | January 13, 2023

My fiancée and I are trying to get some upgrades done to our apartment. We’ve known the plumber who services our building for years, and we’re texting him from a group thread with all three of us. The plumber has made it clear that he doesn’t like receiving payment by credit card, and we’ve always paid by check in the past.

Fiancée: “Hi, [Plumber], two questions. [My Name] had his checkbook stolen. How else can we pay?”

Plumber: “Any kind of bank transfer, payment apps, or debit card usually work.”

Fiancée: “Okay, great, I can pay by bidet card. Do you have mine on file?”

Fiancée: “Debit card.”

Plumber: “No, I’ll send you a form. Is it still under [My Name]?”

Fiancée: “No, it’s my bidet card.”

Fiancée: “DEBIT.”

Plumber: “Okay, what was your second question?”

Me: “You’ll never guess what [Fiancée] wants installed in the bathroom!”

Somehow, he guessed correctly.

Autocorrect May Need To Talk To Human Resources

, , , , , , , , , , | Working | December 1, 2022

A former (and lovely) boss of mine was called Joanna, but everyone referred to her as Jo.

During lockdown, we were all working from home and would communicate mostly via email or online messaging.

She’d often send us information, to which I would reply, “Thanks, Jo,” but the stupid autocorrect on my phone changed the J to H, so I once replied to my boss, “Thanks, Ho!”


Autocorrect Picks The Weirdest Words
Autocorrect Has Daddy Issues
Autocorrect Rears Its Ugly Head Again
Autocorrect Causing Friction Once Again
Autocorrect Is Cat-atonic

Too Much Mansplaining, Not Enough Moving

, , , , , , , | Working | November 30, 2022

I have some large pieces of furniture in my home that I need to have moved within the home. Most moving companies still charge for the use of their trucks even if you don’t use them, so I decide to try out one of those apps where you can hire people to complete tasks for you. I schedule the move for 10:00 am and request two movers. Immediately, I receive an email confirming this.

However, the morning of the move, I get a text confirming for 11:00 am. The text also gives the number of one of the movers, so I call him to get clarity on what time they are arriving.

Me: “Good morning. I just got a text saying that you’ll be arriving at 11:00 am, but the email says you’ll be arriving at 10:00. I just wanted to know which time is correct.”

Mover: “Yes, I can answer that for you. You see, we are independent contractors and do not work directly for [App]. Now, what does that mean? That means that we set our own schedules and we tell the company when we are available to work.”

He continues with a very lengthy explanation of the business model. I won’t bore you with it the same way he bored me.

Me: “Okay, but I just want to know if you’re coming at 10:00 or 11:00.”

Mover: “Well, I’m now at a job in [Other Neighborhood], and when I’m done here, I’ll be heading out to you. [Mover #2] will be arriving separately in his own vehicle, because we don’t travel together for business purposes. In fact, he has a different job in [Yet Another Neighborhood] before yours. Now, you understand that the times are approximate based on when the previous job ends, and then on traffic.”

He also explains which streets each of them will be using and the likelihood of heavy traffic at the time they’ll be traveling.

Mover: “So, we’ll try our best to get to you on time, but we’ll let you know of any delays.”

Me: “But all I want to know is what time ‘on time’ is. Ten? Or eleven?”

Then, he started talking about how the app doesn’t necessarily know how long the previous job will take or some such nonsense. By this time, I had tuned out and just wanted to get off the phone. I don’t even remember if I ever got an answer, but I just chose to be prepared for either time. 

Then, I received a text from this same delightful gentleman. He thanked me for contacting him and then explained that the reason why I had a question about the time was that I had been given two different ones! He still did not tell me which one was accurate.

The next text I received was from the company, cancelling my appointment because neither mover would be finished with his previous job in time to get to my appointment. However, they very generously would not be charging me the cancellation fee. 

I deleted the app.

That Must Have Been Quite A Comment!

, , , , , | Friendly | October 13, 2022

I once received a private message from a stranger on Facebook.

Stranger: “You have singlehandedly destroyed my belief that British people are intelligent and witty based on your comment in [Group].”

The message was flagged as spam, and I didn’t find it until over a year later, so the most annoying part was that I couldn’t remember what the post was or what I had said!

I Would Never Be Able To Face Steve Again

, , , , , , | Working | October 7, 2022

I was at work, and I wanted to ask one of our site ops to send me some documents. I started texting him, but before I finished writing the text, I realised I’d left the S off of the beginning of “send”.

I went back to correct it but my fat fingers accidentally hit the button to send the message by mistake. The poor guy just got the message:

Me: “Hi, Steve, please could you end me”