One of our friends in the online gamer group just became a new dad.

Gamer Friend: “Hey, [New Dad], you down for the new campaign this weekend?”

New Dad: “I’ll try, but no commitments.”

Gamer Friend: “Nooo, you gotta commit! It’s endgame content, and we need everybody!”

New Dad: “You know my wife gave birth two days ago, right?”

Gamer Friend: “Exactly! You’ve known that baby two days, you’ve known us ten years!”

New Dad: “…bruh.”

We gamed that weekend without [New Dad]. [Gamer Friend] was sour about it, and when we didn’t rank high in the new campaign, he blamed all babies in general…

Somehow, I got on the email list for a player in the NBA (National Basketball Association, professional basketball).

For months, I tried to get it to stop by replying to the sender with:

Me: “This can’t be for me; please get the correct email address and remove mine.”

But it never worked. I kept getting those emails, so I eventually changed my approach. If the email was:

Email: “So-and-so won’t be at practice today because of a dentist’s appointment.”

I’d reply to all with:

Me: “That’s fine with me; I won’t be there either.”

Email: “Do you know so-and-so’s schedule for Atlanta”

Me: “Why are you asking me? I don’t even like Baseball.”

And so on.

The emails stopped after the third or fourth time.

Related:
Email Fail, Part 56
Email Fail, Part 55
Email Fail, Part 54
Email Fail, Part 53
Email Fail, Part 52

A colleague, recently returned from a week off, is eating a salad for lunch and looking miserable.

Me: “You really don’t look like you’re enjoying that.”

Colleague: “It’s actually a really good salad, but I’m tired of having healthy food all week.”

Me: “Why? On a health kick?”

Colleague: “On a diet. Just got back from a family trip to Wales and it… humbled me.”

Me: “Oh?”

Colleague: “We went on a zipline adventure thing, and they sometimes have to add weights to you to make sure you can… zip all the way. My husband and son had a lot added to them.”

Me: “And you had less weight added?”

Colleague: “They gave me a sail to slow me down.”

Me: “…”

Colleague: “So… yeah. Mmm, broccoli!”

My mother has always been belittled by her parents, her brother, and his wife. They are all gone now, but the damage has been done. However, my sister, her husband, her grandchildren, and I always challenge her to be herself. Our humor is kinda deadpan 

My mother is on vacation in France. For reasons, my father joins her later, and he’s supposed to arrive in a few days. I have a text-chat group with my parents.

This happened over text.

Mom: “I’m off to do some groceries. Any wishes?”

I am well aware this question is directed at my father, but instead of ‘wrong chat’, I decide to grab the opportunity.

Me: “Do they still have [product only available in France]? We’d love some when you get back.”

Mom: “Sure, anything else?”

Me: “They are fresh out of common sense and patience in the Netherlands. So, if you can find a big bucket of either?”

Mom: “I’ll look for it.”

Thirty minutes later:

Mom: “I found [product]!”

Me: “Yay! Thanks, Mom, you’re the best.”

One hour later:

Mom: “I checked all of the shelves, but it seems France is out of patience and common sense as well. Or it was that one empty shelf next to stupid ideas. That one is filled to the brim!”

I am so proud of my mom.

A variation of this tends to happen every once in a while.

Customer: “How do I know you’re a certified translator?”

Me: “[Notary/Embassy/Firm] gave you my contact, did they not?”

Customer: “Sure, but I still need to see your credentials.”

Me: “There’s some personal information there which I’m not sure I’m comfortable sharing at the moment.”

Customer: “Then, how do I know you’re not a scammer?

Me: “If I were, [Notary/Embassy/Firm] wouldn’t be recommending me. They’d be in massive trouble.”

Customer: “Just send me your diploma!”

Me: “If I were a scammer, don’t you think I could easily create one? How do you know it’s not fake?”

Customer: “…”

Me: “I could give it to you, but then you’d have to contact [University] to make sure they actually issued it.”

Customer: “Sure, I’ll do that!”

Me: “Just one more question, though. I see the document you need translated is a medical certificate.”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “May I see the physician’s diploma and an affidavit from their university certifying it’s not forged? It’d be illegal for me to translate that document if it’s a fake one.”

Customer: “It’s got their seal and signature; that’s sufficient.”

Me: “So do all certified translations.”

Customer: *Colourful words and block.*