(My husband walks into our bedroom, naked, and slithers up into bed with me.)
Husband: “So, I was just in the bathroom trying to poop, and I thought, ‘What do most guys do while they’re trying to poop, but can’t? Probably watch porn. Hmm. I’m going to go have sex with my wife, instead!’”
(My husband gets dozens of zits from dry skin if he doesn’t apply cream to his body after showering. He is lazy to do it and I constantly nag him about it. He also stubbornly claims that the cream does nothing for it, despite knowing full well it does. One day we have this lovely conversation.)
Me: “You should apply cream more often.”
Husband: *interrupts me mid-sentence, triumphantly* “I did, just yesterday! See? You did not notice!”
Me: *simultaneously finishing my sentence* “…because you did yesterday and look, your skin looks so lovely.”
(He got that “busted” look on his face while I was grinning from ear to ear, and honestly he has been doing a big better on the “applying cream” front since then.)
My husband has an incredibly loud and powerful snore. One night, I was awake with a bad migraine when his snoring went over the top, causing intense pain in my head. I tried rolling him over, poking his shoulder, talking loudly to him, bouncing the bed, flicking water in his face… Nothing stopped the snoring. I decided to ruffle his mustache with a pencil. Thank heaven I was using the eraser end, because he rolled toward me, which allowed the pencil to go up his nose!
The snoring did stop long enough for me to go to sleep. The next morning, he had no idea what had happened until I confessed.
(My husband and I are in a heated argument.)
Me: *at a volume of 11* “You are so inconsiderate. Acknowledge my feelings. You’re acting like an a**hole.”
Husband: “You know, one time I removed a pair of mating snakes from under the deck because I knew it would freak you out. That was pretty considerate of me.”
Me: “Really? Well, that was nice of you. Poor snakes, breaking up their sexy party.”
(We both laughed and that was that.)
(Every morning I have a regular couple. They always order the same thing, so today I decide to try an upsell.)
Me: “Good morning, Mr. H. Is it the usual today?”
Mr. H: “Yes, please, [My Name].”
Me: “Can I tempt you to anything to nibble on this morning? We have some lovely croissants.”
Mr. H: “Oh, no, thank you. I’ll just wait for Mrs H to get back and I’ll nibble on her.”
