Early one morning, I go to the local hospital to have an outpatient procedure that involves general anaesthetic. My husband drives me home afterward and heads back to work. After I recover sufficiently, I decide to get a few small chores done.

That evening, my husband comes home to find me busy mopping up a small lake on the kitchen floor.

Me: “You know that paper they sent home with me that said I would be legally impaired for the next twenty-four hours and that I shouldn’t operate heavy machinery?”

Husband: “Yeah?”

Me: “Well, apparently, that includes washing machines.”

My husband and I have both been playing on our computers before bed. I go into his office to say goodnight. 

Me: “All right, babe, I’m heading on to bed because I’m falling asleep trying to read this webcomic. I love you! Goodnight!”

Husband: “I’m almost done here. Should be five minutes or so and I’ll join you.”

Me: “Awesome.”

As I walk out the door, I notice he still has a scented candle lit. As he often forgets such things, I begin to lean forward to blow the candle out. Before I can complete the motion, my husband speaks. 

Husband: “Kiss?”

I turn towards him, but instead of kissing him, I blow forcefully on his mouth!

Husband: “What. Wait. Why?!”

Me: *Laughing uproariously* “I was about to blow out the candle when you said, ‘Kiss?’ and so I just… blew in your face, instead! I’m so sorry! You are not a candle!”

Husband: “Yeah, you do definitely need to head on to bed! Don’t worry, babe. I’ve got the candle.”

He did not, in fact, remember to blow the candle out! Thankfully, nothing caught fire overnight, and his office did smell wonderful the next day.

Everyone in my family hunts various animals for food. We follow all the laws, take gun safety extremely seriously, and never shoot anything that we don’t intend to eat. Where I grew up, that is absolutely normal, and most people are avid hunters and fishers.

My brother, when he was in college, started dating a girl who grew up in a larger city. She’s not vegetarian, but she grew up with street lights, car engines, and smog instead of stars, bird songs, and pine trees.

The first time my brother brought her home to meet the family, my parents grilled venison steaks for dinner.

Girlfriend: “This was really good! Where did you buy the steaks?”

Dad: “We didn’t buy them. That was venison.”

Girlfriend: “What’s venison?”

Dad: “Deer.”

Girlfriend: “Wait… There are deer farms up here?! That’s so cool!”

Dad: “Um… no, we hunt deer. Tonight’s steaks came from the buck that [My Name] shot last season.”

Girlfriend: “Oh, my God, you shot a deer? How could you?!“

After much ranting about how my family were “such terrible people” for killing animals, she stormed out of the house, got in her car, and drove off, never to be seen by anyone in my family ever again. My brother doesn’t miss her.

I used to have a male coworker who was a bit… off. One day, he came into work looking very worried.

Coworker: “I’ve got a serious problem. There’s this gorgeous young woman who takes the same morning bus that I do. We’ve gotten to talking, and she’s really nice.”

Me: “What’s the problem?”

Coworker: “I’m married.”

Me: “Dude, are you saying that she’s hit on you?”

Coworker: “Well, no.”

Me: “What do you talk about?”

Coworker: “The weather, stuff like that.”

Me: “That just sounds like polite small talk to me. Why are you so concerned?”

Coworker: “What if she does hit on me? I don’t think I’ll be strong enough to resist because she’s super hot.”

Me: “From what you’ve told me, it sounds like she’s just being friendly. I wouldn’t worry about it.”

Coworker: “No, she wants me. I’m sure of it. Oh, God, my marriage will end!”

Me: *Losing my patience* “Here’s a crazy idea. If she does proposition you, say, ‘I’m flattered, but I’m happily married.’”

Coworker: “No, that’s no good. She’s going to come on to me and I won’t be able to say no.” *Sighs heavily* “The only thing I can do is start taking an earlier bus.”

Me: *Giving up* “Good for you, I guess.”

In late 2019, a scrawny orange cat started showing up in my yard. 

Me: “Did you see the new cat?”

Husband: “No new cats. Two is enough.”

Me: “I’m not saying I want him—”

Husband: “But you do.”

Me: “Well…”

Husband: “No new cats. You can feed him when he comes around but don’t attract any more wildlife.”

I set out a small bowl of food every time I see the cat. When winter comes, the orange cat sleeps on our porch. I set up a styrofoam home for him and line it with old towels. 

Husband: “What is that?”

Me: *Innocently* “Hm? Oh, this?”

Husband: “Why does that look like a feral cat shelter?”

Me: “Oh, does it? Interesting.”

Husband: *Sigh* “He can stay on the porch but he can’t come in the house.”

Me: “Okay.”

Spring arrives with the usual downpour of rain. One night, during a particularly bad storm, we hear a faint noise outside the door. 

Husband: “Is that the cat we’re not keeping?”

Me: “Might be.”

My husband opens the door to find the cat soaked, his fluffy fur matted down against his body. He meows pitifully, rubbing on the door frame.

Husband: *To the cat* “Well, don’t just stand there. You’re letting the rain in!”

The cat walks in and my husband closes the door. He scoops the cat up and carries it to the bathroom.

Husband: “You’re a con artist. You know that?”

The cat starts purring and headbutting my husband.

Husband: “Yeah, yeah. You’re going back out when it’s done raining. You hear me?”

That cat hasn’t been outside in six years. He and my husband are best friends, but if anyone asks, my husband tells them it was the cat’s idea to stay and he had no control.