I’m at home. A friend is staying with me due to quarantine. While she is on Facebook, she tells me there is a new Ben and Jerry’s flavor called “Netflix and Chill.” I have been single for five years.
Me: “So I’ll finally be able to get some Netflix and chill!”
Friend: “It is peanut butter ice cream; you’re allergic to peanuts.”
Me: “Maybe I should start thinking about becoming a nun, since not even ice cream will let me have some Netflix and chill.”
Related:
Leave It To Ben & Jerry To Make Things Awkward, Part 2
Leave It To Ben & Jerry To Make Things Awkward
My wife and I have been together for nine years, living together for seven years, and married for almost four years. For the first two years of our relationship, we were long distance, and part of how we communicated with each other was through writing daily haiku on each other’s Facebook profiles. I am scrolling through my Facebook memories when I see a haiku my wife wrote for me in 2012.
Amused, I walk to the bedroom where my wife is playing our Switch. Note that I can be very loud and obnoxious, and I love doing very weird and cartoonish voices when I’m bored.
Me: “Hey. Apparently, in 2012, you wrote this haiku: ‘I love hearing your / voice, and I wish I could hear / it all of the time.'”
Wife: “Uh-huh.”
Me: *Smirking* “How do you feel now?”
She pauses.
Wife: “File that under ‘Things that did not age well.'”
My boyfriend has led a much more exciting life than I have. He recently started talking about us going camping, which I’ve never done. We’re planning an upcoming camping trip with friends when I have a question.
Me: “So, what do you do when you camp?”
Boyfriend: “What do you mean?”
Me: “Like, you go and set up your tent and maybe go fishing or something, but how do you pass the rest of the day? What do you actually do?”
Boyfriend: “You can do whatever you want!”
Me: “Like what? What did you always do when you went camping?”
Boyfriend: *Pause* “I did drugs in the woods.”
Me: “Oh. That makes sense.”
Maybe I’ll bring a book.
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Just after my husband and I were married, we lived with his parents while searching for a place of our own. Their house was old and had a few problems.
Our bedroom had a closet in which one wall was the bricks of the chimney. One day, while we were away, there was a fire. Luckily, not much was damaged.
Or so we thought.
We had a box containing about two dozen letters written to my husband when he dated other women and a single letter from and a photo of one of my old boyfriends.
We soon discovered that, while all my husband’s mementos had survived, my two mementos had been completely destroyed.
Burnt to ash.
In the same box with my husband’s uncharred items.
Yeah, my mother-in-law never liked me.
I’ve been having very vivid dreams lately. One night, I bolt upright in bed, waking up my partner. I scramble for my phone.
Partner: “What’s wrong?”
Me: “I have to check my online order history.”
Partner: “Wait, why?”
Me: “I don’t want to say.”
After scrolling through my orders, I’m relieved. I put my phone away and we go back to sleep. The next day, my partner asks me about it.
Partner: “Why did you need to check your order history at 1:00 am?”
Me: *Embarrassed* “I had a dream that I’d ordered a bunch of snakes for a prank. But I didn’t end up going through with the prank, so I put the box of snakes in the garage and forgot about it for two weeks.”
Partner: “What?”
Me: “And I woke up worried that I’d accidentally killed like twenty snakes.”
Partner: “And the first thing you did after waking up was check your phone? Not the garage?”
Me: “Of course not! It could’ve been full of angry snakes!”
This story is part of our July 2020 Roundup – the best stories of the month!
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