Relationships, romance, and break-ups!

Quick! Write That Down!

, , , , | Romantic | April 28, 2021

My girlfriend and I are coming home after double-dating with one of our friends and we’re commenting on their relationship. The friends had a pretty big fight about when their anniversary was. We joke about the fact that we never remember when we met all the time and would never fly off the handle like that.

Me: “Babe, when is our anniversary?”

My girlfriend gives me a deer-in-headlights look.

Girlfriend: “Sometime in… May?”

Me: “Really? I thought it was sometime in September.”

Girlfriend: “Crap. There has to be a way to figure this out, right?”

Me: “What movie did we see before we started dating? That will help.”

Girlfriend: “Were we together when The Avengers came out, or was it The Hobbit?”

Me: “Uhh, we saw the last Hobbit together, right?”

Girlfriend: “But we were together before that, so November?”

Me: “That doesn’t sound right.”

Girlfriend: “I know… Shoot, I know your birthday and you know mine. You know what? I know how to solve this.”

She walks into our spare room and comes out with our year calendar and the darts from the dartboard.

Girlfriend: “All right, I’m going to throw a dart and whatever day it lands on is our anniversary.”

Me: “Sounds fair enough.”

She throws a dart and then goes and looks at it and starts cracking up.

Me: “What date did it land on?”

Girlfriend: “TODAY!”

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We Know Our Enablers Very Well

, , , , | Romantic | April 26, 2021

I’m relaxing on the couch with my boyfriend. We both are almost at the stage of sleep when I suddenly bolt straight up and head to the front door. When I get back to the living room, my boyfriend is sitting up, looking very confused.

Boyfriend: “What on earth?”

Me: “I heard the [Online Retailer] delivery guy’s keys.”

Boyfriend: *Pauses* “Baby, you live on the third floor. There are like thirty people who come up and down your steps each day.”

Me: “Yeah.”

Boyfriend: “And out of all that, you recognized the keys to your delivery guy?”

Me: “Of course!”

Boyfriend: “Do I even want to know how you know this?”

Me: “Do you want me happy?”

Boyfriend: “Yes…”

Me: “Do you want to fight?”

Boyfriend: “No.”

Me: “Then it’s best that you don’t know how I know this.”

Boyfriend: “All right, whatever. Could you come back to the couch now?”

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Sounds Like You Need One For Every Room

, , , , , | Romantic | April 25, 2021

I have a horrible habit of bringing my glasses cloth into our living room and losing it. My wife finds it funny and likes to tease me about it.

I just received my new glasses and I’m cleaning them on the sofa, settling the cloth beside me. Unbeknownst to me, it’s started to slip between the cushions.

My wife, playing distraught, says loudly to the cloth:

Wife: “YOU WON’T LEAVE HERE!”

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Rake ‘Em Across The Coals

, , , , | Romantic | April 22, 2021

I’ve just come home from a cycling tour which took a little longer than I thought and therefore was quite tiresome. My wife has been working in the garden and I promised to help her out a little more.

Wife: “Can you go buy us a rake? I need a metal kind. I’ve sent you a picture to make sure.”

She sent me a screenshot from Google. One of the pictures in the screenshot is from the website of a certain hardware store, which is not the nearby hardware store in our village.

Me: “Okay. Can do. But… wait. Are they open during the health crisis?”

Wife: “I checked. The website says they are.”

This seems odd to me, so I check, too.

Me: “This says they only do pickup.”

Wife: “The site I checked claimed it was open.”

I get somewhat suspicious. I have a tendency to read stuff too hastily, but she has the tendency to interpret stuff a little differently than I do.

Me: “I really think they aren’t open.”

Wife: *Sighs* “Just go. If not, what does it matter?”

Me: “Fair enough.”

I take out my bicycle again.

Wife: “You want to carry a rake while cycling? That’s not practical, dear.”

Me: “I’m quite sure I can manage.”

Wife: “Darling, please. That’s not a good idea, and it’s absolutely not necessary for such a short distance. It’s a one-minute walk.”

No, it isn’t, I think. [Nearby Hardware Store] is a ten-minute walk. I am getting annoyed, but I have the feeling I’m not winning the discussion, so I take the passive-aggressive route. (Yes, it’s petty.) I decide to go down to [Nearby Hardware Store] like she asked, stand in line for ten minutes, ask them if they only do pickup, and then go back to tell her she was wrong. This goes as predicted.

Me: “Good afternoon. Is it pickup only?”

Employee: “Yes, do you have an appointment?”

Me: “No. Sorry to bother.”

Employee: “What are you looking for, then, sir?”

Me: “Oh, a metal rake. Like this one.” *Shows the picture*

Employee: “I might have one like that. Shall I take a look?”

Me: “Oh, yes, please.”

It turns out they have one left and I can buy it at the pickup counter after all. I go back home and feel happy that my wife did convince me to go after all.

Me: “I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that they were pickup only. But the good news is that they went into the store to get me this rake anyway. And when they open, I can return it within thirty days.”

Wife: “Oh, but this one is perfect, so there’s no need for that. Thank you, honey!”

We finish the gardening and that’s that. A week later, my wife is checking our finances.

Wife: “Darling, we never went to [Nearby Hardware Store] last week, did we?”

Me: “Yes, I went there. For the rake, remember? We had a whole discussion about it.”

Wife: “Wait… You went to [Nearby Hardware Store]?”

Me: “Yes?”

Wife: “I asked you to go to [Gardening Store at the opposite side of the street].”

Me: *Long pause* “That explains our different findings on the Internet. And why you said it was a one-minute walk.”

When my wife gets tired, she tends to mix up words and names. But I’m quite sure that this time, I was the one who mixed up due to being tired.

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If Only There Was A Bobble Hat For Every Black Hat

, , , | Romantic | April 19, 2021

My sisters and I are on a family skiing holiday in France with our dad; we are from England. I’ve gotten into the hotel lift with one of my younger sisters and two guys; [Guy #1] is wearing a black beanie whilst [Guy #2] is wearing a very bright, multicoloured stripey bobble hat with a neon green and pink bobble. [Guy #1] gives us a very obvious once-over whilst clearly trying not to look obvious. He nudges [Guy #2] and nods to us, and he glances at us.

Guy #1: *Quite loudly* “They’re fit. The s*** I’d do to them…”

Guy #2: *Shaking his head* “’Cause that’s not creepy, [Guy #1]. Just ogling two random girls and then talking about them.”

Guy #1: “Chill, they’re French. They don’t understand.”

Guy #2: “They can still pick up on body language and tone. You’re about as subtle as a brick to the face. Plus, it’s still creepy. Even if they weren’t in an enclosed square with us, they’re people, you get that?”

Guy #1: “I’m not like, saying I’d hurt them. Just like, I’d show ’em a good time.”

Guy #2: “Mate, no.”

Guy #1: “If they consented! Obviously!”

Guy #2: “It’s creepy to talk about two girls like that! Basic respect is a basic right!”

Guy #1: “They’re French! We’re speaking English! It’s fine!”

Sister: “Just FYI, French people learn English in school.”

There’s a really awkward silence. [Guy #2] takes off his hat and starts twisting it.

Guy #1: “Your English is very good”

Me: “That’s because we’re British.”

There’s another really awkward silence. [Guy #2] twists his hat more.

Guy #1: “Soooooooo… wanna like… get a drink later?”

Guy #2: *Hitting [Guy #1] with his hat* “Mate! No! Stop! I swear he’s just an idiot with absolute zero awareness; he’s not some dodgy perv that hurts girls! Or anyone, really! Paper bags are a bigger threat, I swear!”

The lift opens, and [Guy #2] pushes [Guy #1] out.

Guy #2: “Lovely meeting you. I’m really sorry!”

A few days later, we’re grabbing breakfast in the hotel lobby with our dad.

Dad: “That was weird.”

Me: *Not really paying attention* “Hmm?”

Dad: “Two guys walked in, one in the brightest bobble hat I have ever seen, the other in a black hat. Bobble Hat seemed to look at [Sister], grabbed Black Hat, and pushed him out of the lobby.”

We clued Dad into what had happened but didn’t see much of either of the two guys. I can only presume [Guy #2] would spot us and steer [Guy #1] away.

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