Can’t Finnish What She Started

, , , , , | Right Romantic | March 7, 2019

(I work with an EMS group and we are taking people’s blood pressure for free. I am taking an older woman’s blood pressure. I am a young, white, blonde, blue-eyed guy.)

Woman: “Are you finished?”

Me: “No, I just started.”

Woman: “No, no. Are you Finnish? My granddaughter is Finnish—“ *points to her beautiful, blonde granddaughter* “—and she is single.”

Me: “Oh, no, sorry. I’m married.”

Customer Next To Me: “I’m Finnish!”

(I bet you $5 he wasn’t.)

That’s The Pay To Do It

, , , , , | Romantic | March 7, 2019

(My husband and I are in the bedroom. He’s very tired but he’s playing with our eleven-month-old baby on our bed so I can fold and put away the laundry. As I pull a shirt out of the basket, I see a dollar bill which I gleefully wave around.)

Me: “I just got paid!

Husband: *sleepily* “Good, now go buy yourself something nice.”

Me: *in a pretend pout* “You’re supposed to stick that into my bra when you say that!”

You’re The Apple Of My Die

, , , , , | Romantic | March 4, 2019

(We live in a small town surrounded by a whole lot of forest. One day my husband comes home from the store and I start to put the shopping away.)

Me: “You know your husband is trying to kill you when he buys you apple-scented shampoo in bear season.”

Try Not To Do That, Deer

, , , , | Romantic | March 1, 2019

(My husband and I make arrangements to buy a used SUV to replace our current one. We’re driving home in the current vehicle, with an appointment to switch vehicles the next weekend.)

Husband: “So, we’re done with the paperwork for the [new SUV]. What happens if we wreck this SUV in the meantime?”

Me: “Well, we’re still insured for this one. We’d have to report to [Insurance Company] and do the deductible and so forth. Big pain, but I’m sure it happens.”

Husband: “We’ll try really hard not to do that.”

(Less than two miles later, my husband spots three deer by the side of the road, and watches them. I’m looking straight ahead and I see the fourth deer — literally a deer in the headlights — in the middle of the road.)

Me: “Watch out! Deer in the road!”

(My husband brakes like mad and swerves around the deer, muttering various expletives. We miss the deer, which finally moves across and off the road.)

Husband: “What did we just say about trying hard not to do that?”

Most People Count Sheep, But Whatever Works For You…

, , , , | Romantic | February 28, 2019

(For the entire week when this happens, I have been reminding my husband to go to the store and pick up milk. We have been married a few months now and neither of us knows that I talk in my sleep. One night, my husband and I are in bed. I have already fallen asleep and my husband is just drifting off when I speak.)

Me: “You need to go right now and buy it.”

Husband: “Buy what?”

Me: “The cow! You need to go get the cow right now!”

Husband: *confused* “A cow?”

Me: *wakes up* “What the h***? What are you talking about? Let me sleep.”

Husband: *starts laughing*

Me: *confused*

Husband: “Sorry, babe, go back to sleep.”

(The next morning, he went to pick up the milk. I’ve had many more weird conversations in my sleep with him since then, but most of them have been incoherent.)

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