It’s my first day as a freshman at a college a few hours away from my family, and it also happens to be my nineteenth birthday! A friend of mine has just given me a large cookie cake with “Happy Birthday” written on it in large letters and is introducing me to some fellow freshmen she met during orientation.

One of the guys comes over to me and sees my cookie cake.

Guy: “Oh, nice cake! Is it your birthday today?”

Me: “Yeah, I’m nineteen today!”

Guy: “Cool. Mine is tomorrow, actually.” *Jokingly* “Do you think I could get a piece of that cake?”

Me: *Laughs out loud* “Sure!” 

And that’s the story I tell my children of how I met their father — and lured him in with a giant cookie!

I worked at a fancy historic hotel, and we only took reservations from local residents under specific circumstances like if they were part of a reservation block or if they called ahead and discussed their stay with a manager. (We’d had a LOT of issues with locals booking rooms for parties, etc., and leaving them trashed.) If you lived locally and stayed there, it was a special occasion, not a place you went because your power was out or whatever.

If someone had stayed with us before, our reservation system would automatically fill in the blanks when they swiped their credit card. I had a woman who was part of an event group come up to pay for her room. She swiped her card, and details popped up.

Me: “Oh, welcome back, ma’am! Looks like your card is already in our system… under [Male Name]?”

Woman: “Right, that’s my husband. He’s already in your system?”

Me: “Yes. For your convenience, we store some basic information about our guests. That way, we don’t have to fill out the whole form every time.”

Woman: “But… we live here down the street. Why would he have stayed here?”

Uh-oh… There’s a woman’s name on this file, too. If it was her, she’d already know.

Me: “Uh… well… that I don’t know, ma’am. I’m really not allowed to release any other information about his file since you aren’t on it.”

Woman: “Uh-huh. Just him?”

I froze solid and stammered for a moment, trying to find the corporate-approved words for “No, but I didn’t say that.”

Woman: “Well. That’s interesting.”

And a very angry-not-at-me woman finished checking in.

I wanted to tell her outright so badly, but I also didn’t need to get fired. I wonder how it went.

I had a new boyfriend (dating for maybe a month) at my house for the first time. I went to the bathroom and sat down on the toilet, and a few seconds later, he opened the door. 

Me: “Uh, busy?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, where is your phone charger?”

Me: “By the couch.”

I pushed the door closed. He opened it again. 

Boyfriend: “I didn’t see it.”

Me: “I will show you when I’m done. Please stop.”

Boyfriend: “What?”

Me: *Pushing the door* “Please don’t just barge into the bathroom.”

Boyfriend: *Holding the door open* “What? Are you pooping?”

Me: “Get out!”

I pushed the door shut and locked it right before he tried to open it again. 

Boyfriend: “You don’t need to be so angry. Everybody poops.”

I didn’t answer. When I stepped out, he was gone. Apparently, he had something to do and would call me later.

The next time he was over, I went to the bathroom, and again, he opened the door. 

Me: “What are you doing?”

Boyfriend: “I need the mirror.”

Me: “It can’t wait? I like bathroom time to be just me.”

Boyfriend: *In a mocking tone* “Okay, just for you, but you invited me over.”

Me: “Not to the bathroom! Get out!”

He stayed and even tried to talk to me while I was sitting on the toilet. I was furious. We were nowhere near the “no clothes” part of our relationship, but he had barged in on my bathroom time twice.

When I was done, I sat him down on the couch. 

Me: “Look. I understand that some people are comfortable with sharing their bathroom time, but I am not. If I am in there, please do not just come in.”

Boyfriend: “Why?”

Me: “Because I find it uncomfortable and frankly rude that you aren’t respecting my boundaries.”

Boyfriend: “Fine. If you’re so insecure, fine. I’ll just go.”

Me: “I think that’s best.”

Boyfriend: “What?”

Me: “I think that’s best. I told you I don’t like something, I told you why, and you continue to ignore me. Please go.”

He left… eventually. First, he locked himself in the bathroom for an hour and spent the whole time yelling through the door about how it wasn’t a big deal, but he left.

I don’t regret cutting him loose so early in the relationship. If he was willing to ignore my request for privacy in the bathroom, what else would he ignore?

My uncle named one of his first sows (bought after his first marriage ended) after his ex-wife.

A bunch of mutual “friends” went to tell her and got her worked up that he was insulting her to people. She called him in tears because their divorce truly was very friendly; they just married much too young and grew apart. (He was even a groomsman at her second marriage, and she was his second and so far only other wife’s matron of honor because she introduced them, although the introduction happened years after the sow incident.)

Uncle: “I didn’t mean it as an insult! I named the other two sows [His Mother] and [His Stepmother]. All three of you are fierce and amazing moms, and I wanted to give my cute little sow piglets someone to live up to.”

Apparently, when [Ex-Wife] met her namesake, she was so charmed (and the sow named after her was a darling) that she forgave him immediately for naming a pig after her.

Oh, and his current wife also has a piggy namesake, chosen for being a golden pig and my auntie being a natural blonde. (She is also a fierce mama in her own right; she once reduced some busybody to tears when they implied to her youngest stepson that she wouldn’t love him once she had “her own” child. She did it without raising her voice, but the TONE was pretty scathing, I’m told.)

I dated a man who was never responsible for his own actions. And I do mean a man; he was thirty-two at the time of this phone call. I was twenty-one, so I was young enough to think that being the one to step up and take care of him was the right choice for me. As it turned out, it wasn’t.

This conversation was about our two-year anniversary. 

Me: “When will you be here on Friday?”

Boyfriend: “For what?”

Me: “To pick me up.”

Boyfriend: “For what?!”

Me: “We’re going to [Restaurant] for dinner? It’s our anniversary.”

Boyfriend: “Oh. I made other plans, sorry.”

He didn’t sound at all sorry.

Me: “Why would you make other plans? We reserved the restaurant a month ago.”

Boyfriend: *Defensively* “Why didn’t you remind me if this is so important to you?”

Me: “I told you last weekend in person, and I told you on the phone on Wednesday.”

Boyfriend: “Okay, well, I don’t remember that at all. Maybe you were talking to someone else.”

Me: “I texted you on Thursday, and you replied to the text saying, ‘Okay, I’ll be there.’”

Boyfriend: “Well, you can’t expect me to remember these things if you don’t write them down. I have a full-time job. Don’t get pissy with me for—”

Me: “It is in your phone calendar and written on the paper calendar in your kitchen.”

There was a pause, and I heard him tapping through his phone. He cursed, and then I heard him walking to the kitchen.

Boyfriend: “Well, I still made other plans.”

Me: “Okay, you go ahead and do whatever you want.”

Boyfriend: “You’re not mad?”

Me: “Oh, no, I’m pissed. But I’m not going to keep putting in all this effort if you’re not going to try.”

Boyfriend: “I am trying! What do you want me to do?”

Me: “I want you to f****** listen when I talk, pay attention when we make plans, and be a f****** adult!”

Boyfriend: “Wow. You know, you are not going to talk to me like that.”

Me: “You’re right; I’m not. Enjoy whatever plans you have. Don’t bother calling me again.”

I hung up.

He tried to call a few days later, leaving voicemails saying things like, “I hope you’ve calmed down by now,” and, “If you’d like to apologize for your behavior, I’m listening.” I never responded to anything, and after a few weeks, he stopped calling.