A Little Light Death

, , , , , | Romantic | July 7, 2018

(My boyfriend and I are getting ready for bed when I notice that the living room light is still on. I am tired and comfortable and have a gently purring cat on my chest, so I whine:)

Me: “Why is the living room light on?”

Boyfriend: “Because you left it on.”

Me: “No, babe, it’s the automatic light.”

(It’s supposed to turn off at 10:00 pm; it is 10:06.)

Boyfriend: “Oh. I shall go investigate! And by that I mean…”

(He gets up and makes a show of getting a decorative knife from our dresser.)

Boyfriend: “Imma kill it!”

(Just as he steps toward the bedroom door, the light flicks itself off, leaving me in hysterics and him saying:)

Boyfriend: “That’s what I thought!”

This Wedding Is As Right As Rain

, , , , , | Romantic | July 5, 2018

When I first started event-planning, a friend of mine hired me as a gift to her cousin to boost my business. Since the wedding was going to be a total DIY project, I was merely another set of hands to help out, and a record keeper. The bride was very creative and wanted to get married on Halloween of all days. Her greatest wish was to be married in a rainstorm at her grandfather’s house under the gazebo.

The two months leading up to the wedding consisted of making silk sunflower arrangements, procuring non-allergy hay-bales, and the bride painstakingly hand-dyeing lace black on a second-hand wedding dress she found at a church rummage sale.

The almanac and weather forecast called for clear skies that day, so we rigged up sprinklers and soaked hoses on the roof, and rented a tent to butt up against the gazebo to keep the guest area dry. Once we added a lighting strobe and the thunder recording, the effect was amazing.

The morning of the wedding, the bride got a glimmer of hope when, out of nowhere, the forecast called for a chance of thunderstorms that night. We met up at her hair appointment, and she remembered she needed more goodies for the kids party. Skies were clear when we entered the store, but when we came out, a dark mass of clouds was rolling in on the horizon. The bride literally skipped all the way to the car, singing, “It’s gonna rain.” Many people stopped and smiled at the sight of a grown woman with the freshly-done “I do” updo, complete with tiara and veil. skipping through the parking lot like a little girl.

By the time all the guests had arrived, it had started to sprinkle, and by the time the bride walked down the aisle it was a downpour. After the kiss, the bride and groom ran back up the aisle, through her grandfather’s house and out on the the driveway where they danced in the rain. All the black dye began streaking down the dress.

A few of the guests snipped at the display, but the bride didn’t care. She got the wedding of her dreams.

The bride hired me for a few extra weeks to help her rip apart her dress and make mini quilts for their parents and grandparents to be a backdrop to a pair of pictures in a shadow box: one picture of them saying their vows, and the other of them kissing in the rain.

 

Independence Day Roundup

| Friendly Healthy Hopeless Learning Legal Related Right Romantic Working | July 4, 2018

Happy Birthday to the United States of America!  Today we celebrate… with barbeques and picnics and parties and, of course, lots and lots of fireworks.

Here are some of our favorite stories about the Fourth of July.  Enjoy!  And if you’d like to share your own tale of the Fourth, leave us a comment or submit it here!

 

Happy Treason Day! — But will they be serving tea?

Viva La Revelation — There’s no independence from annoying customers…

Independent Of The Closing Times — …or the entitled customers…

Independent Of This Holiday — …or the geographically confused customer.

Independent Of Your Day — Some Americans still forget that Canada is not the US.

The Fourth Is Not Strong With This One — Some British still forget that the US is not part of Great Britain.

Murica! The Lullaby — Well, is there one?

Not The Brightest Spark In The Firework Display — Same holiday, different day?

Were You Born On The Third Of July? — Same holiday, different month?

Those Silly Colonies And Their Quaint Rebellion — Same holiday, different holiday?

Leap Days Of Logic — Different country, different calendar?

An Argument For The Separation Of Church And State — And sometimes folks forget that we still have ties to where our country came from!

 

 

 

Well, I Am Macro-Breaking Up With You

, , , , , , | Romantic | July 3, 2018

(I’ve just broken up with my boyfriend of two years, and I rebound into a pretty unhealthy relationship. He raises a lot of red flags on our first date, including the ultimate crime on this site of being rude to the waiter, but I don’t care. Two weeks later, I get laid off and go to his apartment, distraught and seeking reassurance.)

Me: “[Boyfriend]?”

Boyfriend: *muffled* “Oh, s***.”

Me: “Uh, it’s me, [My Name].”

Boyfriend: *opens door, sweating* “[My Name], what are you doing here?”

Me: “I just got fired… Who’s that?”

(I point to a shirtless man clearly trying to hide behind the couch.)

Boyfriend: “He’s, uh, my new roommate.”

(He lives in a pigsty that no one would pay to inhabit.)

Me: “Are you f***ing cheating on me? How could you?”

Boyfriend: “I’m not cheating!”

Me: “You were just having sex with another guy! How is that not cheating?”

Boyfriend: “We weren’t having sex; we were just [engaging in sexual act of sorts]! That’s not cheating; it’s microcheating.”

Me: “What the f*** is microcheating?”

Boyfriend: “[Popular National Tabloid] says it’s microcheating it you don’t have sex and just [engage in sexual act].”

Me: “First of all, that’s bulls***, and secondly, how is that not cheating?”

Boyfriend: “It’s microcheating! “

(Needless to say, I think I dodged a bullet there. The kicker? I looked at the article, and his interpretation of “microcheating” was way off.)

Monthly Roundup: June 2018

| Friendly Healthy Hopeless Learning Legal Related Right Romantic Working | July 2, 2018

It’s time for the June roundup! Our editors have decided among themselves which stories in February deserve the extra attention, regardless of the number of thumbs-ups they received. Out of the 807 stories we posted in the month, we’ve singled out fourteen.

If there are any stories from the last month you feel we should have included, please let us know in the comments!

Don’t forget to vote for your favorite stories in the poll below! Note: You can choose up to three. The winner of the previous roundup poll was Sued To Satisfaction, from the Right category!

 

Has The Authority To Tell You How It Is – I have less than zero authority to give you a discount, which is also the number of f***’s I give.

Dusting Off The Scum – Don’t do the crime if you can’t turn off the cameras.

Their Biggest Handicap Is Themself – Don’t piss off a mama bear!

What The Check Are You Playing At –  Checks will bounce, like customers will off of windows.

Not The Kind Of “Fall Into My Arms” Story We’re Used To – Old people come fully armed and ready to serve.

No Red Alerts For This Red Light – Cops are humans too.

It’s Not The Postman Going Postal Today – What happens when you take their “rules” and throw it right back at them.

They’re All Tuned In To Each Other – This is going to get you all rent out of shape.

They Went Back To The Future – Growing old together doesn’t mean growing up!

If You Treat The Cows Like Crap… – The second half of this title needs no explanation.

Sometimes You Just Have To Bear With Them – They were bear-ly aware.

These Finals Are A Piece Of Cake – This dorm is not the norm… sadly.

The Worst Of Times Brings Out The Best In People – Where were YOU when 9/11 happened?

Don’t Know Their Own Monkey-Business – Know your monkeys, or the little monkeys will teach you.

 

Please choose your favorite story of the month!

View Results

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