We Do Not Cover Crazy Girlfriends

, , , , , , | Romantic | December 12, 2017

(I answer the phone in our office as part of my daily duties. Every once in a while, we get a call in this vein:)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Office], a part of [Company]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I need to know who you think you are, b****!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: “WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO GET WITH MY MAN?!”

Me: “I’m sorry. You might have a wrong number. This is an [Office] agency. We sell and administer insurance products from [Company].”

Caller: “Oh, don’t give me that s***. You’re trying to mess with my man. This number comes up on his call list every day for a week. Sometimes more than once! Who are you, and what are you doing with my man?”

Me: “Well, does he have one of our products? Perhaps we’re working with him regarding his coverage.”

Caller: “No! I know you’re just trying to steal my man! And if you call him again, I will find you!”

Me: “We are located on [Street]. Look for the [Company] sign that says [Office]. We sell coverage for homes and vehicles, as well as life and financial products.”

Caller: *hangs up*

Allergic To Dairy And Dip-S***s

, , , , , , , | Romantic | December 11, 2017

(I am allergic to dairy; I will go into shock if I have even a small amount. A surprisingly large amount of stuff has dairy in it and I hate making people wait while I check whether something will kill me, so I often go for the easiest thing on the menu. I meet this guy online and we go to a coffee shop to meet, safely, in person. I ask for soy in my drink and he asks if it is for flavour reason; I state it being a dietary requirement, but we don’t talk much about it further than that. We decide to continue with the relationship, and a week or so later we go on our first date. He chooses an Italian place for dinner, which is a very risky place for me go to. I find it a little odd, considering the coffee shop, but I just go for a vegan dish to be safe. A few weeks later, he invites me out to a steak place. I have never been to this place and I can’t find a website to check their menu prior to going. It’s a little bit worrying, but I know most dairy in a steakhouse is in the optional sauces. When I arrive, my date keeps glancing at me, which I don’t really understand. We are seated and given menus, and he is now staring at me intently.)

Me: “What?”

Him: *somewhat smugly* “You won’t find anything vegan on the menu”

Me: “What’s your point?”

Him: *smug looks falters* “Huh?”

Me: “I said, ‘What’s your point?’ I’m not vegan.”

Him: “But… The soy? And at the Italian place?”

Me: “I’m allergic to dairy. Severely allergic, actually, so vegan is a safe choice for me. You took me to a steakhouse thinking I was a vegan?” *pause* “And you thought I would accept it if I was a vegan?”

Him: “W-Well, I thought it would be funny to watch you struggle.”

Me: “You wanted to watch the little vegan get upset over not being able to eat off the menu. Wow.”

Him: “But this is great that you’re just allergic! That means you’re fine to be with!”

Me: “What?”

Him: “Yeah, cause vegans are crazy! You don’t f*** crazy!”

(I stare at him.)

Me: “You’re totally right; you don’t f*** crazy. I don’t f*** crazy, or stupid, or a**holes. See ya.”

(I get that some vegans are in your face about it, but that guy was just a jerk.)

That’s The Problem With Going In As Number Two

, , , , | Romantic | December 10, 2017

(We only have one bathroom.)

Partner: “I’m about to take a shower. You want to use the bathroom first?”

Me: “Sure.”

(I accidentally end up spending 15 minutes in there. As I exit, I turn on the fan.)

Me: “So… About your shower.”

Partner: “Yeah. I think I’ll wait on that.”

Bouncing Through Alternative Names

, , , , , | Romantic | December 9, 2017

(My partner dislikes bras. We’re going off-roading.)

Partner: *sighs dramatically* “I have to wear the anti-boob-bouncing device.”

(I laughed.)

.. / -.- -. — .–

, , , , | Romantic | December 8, 2017

(My boyfriend and I are curled up on the couch drinking and watching a movie. He burps a lot when he’s drunk.)

Me: “I love you!”

(All of a sudden, my boyfriend starts burping a ton.)

Me: “What was that?”

Boyfriend: “I just said, ‘I love you,’ in Morse code.”

Page 2/1,40112345...Last
« Previous
Next »