We All Know Who Is Bringing Home The Bacon In This Relationship

, , , , | | Romantic | August 11, 2019

(I have brought home some sort of artisan smoked bacon gouda. My boyfriend reads the package and sneers disdainfully.)

Boyfriend: “This bacon-everything craze is overrated. It’s probably gross.”

Me: “Yeah, but it was half-off clearance, so I figured why not?” 

(I say this, turning my back momentarily. I turn back around to see my boyfriend, eyes dilated with the remains of the package that looks like it’s been ravaged by a raccoon.) 

Boyfriend: “Can… can you get more?”

Me: “Did you even save me any?!”

Boyfriend: “NO!” *snarls, backing away and gathering his beard crumbs possessively*

Missing Cable Makes Marriage Unstable

, , , | | Romantic | August 10, 2019

(I have just arrived home for the holidays. Unfortunately, I have to turn in — i.e. upload to our e-learning platform — important homework for university on December 26th. I sit down and turn on the computer, only to be met with a “no Internet connection” message. Oh, no! I restart everything and still don’t get a connection. Since that is about as far as my computer knowledge goes, I text my husband who’s still at work.)

Me: “Hey, I’m home, but I can’t get online.”

Husband: “I think it’s due to the last OS update. Had the same problem. Just restart.”

Me: “I did that already, but I’ll try again.”

(It doesn’t help. I notice that I get Wi-Fi on my phone, though, and all the relevant lights on the router are on. Thus, I decide to run my computer’s network diagnostics.)

Me: “Darling, the restart didn’t help, but diagnostics say something about a missing cable?”

Husband: “Nah, I’m sure it’s due to that update. Took me a while, too. Just use my computer in the meantime.”

(I start his computer, which, true to his word, is connected to the Internet. On a hunch, I go back and crawl under my desk. Hidden behind my computer case, I notice a cable that’s not plugged in anywhere. I’m sure it should go somewhere, and I finally figure out that it goes into the switch under my desk. Once the cable is plugged in, I’m back online. Half relieved and half exasperated, I text my husband.)

Me: “It was the cable, just as the diagnostics said. There was an unplugged cable under my desk.”

Husband: “Oops, I forgot! When I couldn’t get online, I frantically unplugged and replugged everything until I decided to just restart the computer… I must have overlooked that one.”

Me: “…”

Small Plates With Small Expectations

, , , , , | | Romantic | August 9, 2019

(I go on a date with a guy who seems really sweet. He asks me out to dinner at a restaurant right up the road from me that I have been wanting to try for a while. We decide to sit at the bar, since it is Happy Hour.)

Date: “Would you mind doing the Happy Hour menu with me? It’s $5 cocktails, $5 beers, and $5 small plates, so it’s cheaper. We could each get a couple of small plates and make a dinner out of it.”

Me: “That sounds fine to me! I’ve made a meal out of Happy Hour options before!” 

(I am pretty excited because the Happy Hour menu has a lot of small plate options that look really good. We each order a drink.)

Bartender: “Have you guys decided whether you’d like any food tonight?”

Date: “Yeah! Why don’t we start off with one small plate each?” 

Me: “That sounds great.”

(We each order a small plate item and begin to have a pleasant conversation while we nurse our drinks and wait on our food. The food comes quickly and is delicious, but they aren’t kidding that these are small plates. They are about the equivalent of a four-piece chicken nugget — without fries — from a certain fast food restaurant. It’s maybe enough for a small lunch, but certainly not enough for dinner.)

Me: “That was really delicious! I know Happy Hour ends in like half an hour, so should we order more food and a second round of drinks?”

Date: “No, I think I’m good. Maybe another drink. I’m actually getting pretty full.” 

(I am honestly baffled. We’ve had one small appetizer each, yet he is saying he is full.)

Me: “Oh. Okay, well, let’s at least order another round of drinks.” 

(The bartender comes back. Before we can order another round of drinks…)

Date: “Oh, can I get a to-go order?” 

(He then proceeds to ask the bartender for three different entrees and an appetizer TO GO from the full-price main menu.)

Me: *in complete disbelief* “You dipping out on me?” *nervous laughter*

Date: “No, I just know I’ll be hungry later.”

Me: *in my head* “Of course you’ll be hungry later… We only had an appetizer. I’m hungry now!” *out loud* “Well, I’m actually still pretty hungry now, so I think I might order something else.”

Date: “Oh, I didn’t know we were going to eat a lot of food tonight.”

Me: *internally* “You invited me to dinner!

(I am too embarrassed at this point to try to argue with him. It feels like he is almost food-shaming me for wanting more than an appetizer. He almost immediately changes the subject and starts talking about himself for a while. I keep glancing at my phone to see if Happy Hour is over yet, because I want more food.)

Me: “Happy Hour ends in a few minutes. You sure you don’t want to get more food?” 

Date: “Yeah, I’m sure.” *continues to ramble on and on*

(I’m completely dejected at this point. I’m self-conscious about my weight and have anxiety as it is, so pushing back against something like this makes me really nervous. So, I just sit there with a fake smile on my face, listening to him talk, and attempting to find things to say in response. Finally, half an hour after Happy Hour ends, he looks over at the menu and notices another appetizer that sparks his fancy.)

Date: “Ooooh, this appetizer looks good.” *checks watch* “But dang, Happy Hour is over. Too bad.” 

Me: *screaming internally*

(When the check comes, I don’t even bother offering to contribute. I know that my entire “meal” cost about $10 — $5 for my cocktail and $5 for my small plate. I glance at the bill when he opens it, and it is over $60, meaning he’s ordered himself like $40 worth of food to go, on top of the $10 for his small plate and drink. A few minutes later, we wrap up our date and he gives me a weird side-hug thing.)

Date: “Thanks for taking the time to meet me tonight.” 

Me: “Thanks for ‘dinner.'” 

(Yes, I used air quotes and no, he did not catch on. I then proceeded to stop at a fast food place on my way home to get a $10 dinner that would actually satisfy a grown adult’s appetite. I would have been completely understanding had he not been hungry, not wanted to spend very much, or had he not been feeling well. I’ve had guys say, “Oh, I’m full, but you’re more than welcome to order something else if you’re still hungry,” and similar things. I’ve never had a guy basically shut me down every time I tried to order dinner.  At one point, I even offered to have separate checks so I could just order myself more food. But he weirdly kind of shut that down without being aggressive or outright rude. He just kind of changed the subject. I’ve also NEVER had someone order a to-go order right in the middle of a date, especially while insisting that neither of us should order more food.)

Recycle His Mind

, , , , | | Romantic | August 8, 2019

(My husband and I are doing some cleaning over the weekend when this happens.)

Husband: “Oh, and I threw out that one aluminum can earlier.”

Me: *curious* “Why would you do that? That would have gone in the recycling.”

Husband: *shrugs* “In this state, you don’t get five cents back like you do with other states, so there is really no point in recycling that if I’m not getting anything back for it.” *walks out of the kitchen*

Me: *glaring in his general direction, quietly to myself* “Are you serious?!”

(I then went back to finishing the dishes, having a pointed mental lecture with him about the point of recycling. I was also wondering why I was just now finding out about his views on recycling when we have been married for almost a decade.)

She’s Going To Have Kittens If You Don’t Tell Her

, , , , | | Romantic | August 7, 2019

(I volunteer at an animal shelter. We have a man who has driven for an hour and a half to adopt a cat for his wife’s birthday as a surprise. He works in the mines 14 days on, 7 days off, so he usually does not go out on his days off, and apparently, his wife finds this suspicious. He receives a phone call just as he is finalising the paperwork. I cannot hear her end of the conversation.)

Man: *phone rings* “Oh, hello, honey. What’s up?” *wife speaks* “Oh, I am just out.” *wife speaks* “I just had some things to do.”

(His wife speaks a little louder.) 

Man: “Yeah, I know it’s my day off. I just had some things to get!”

(His wife speaks, if possible, louder.) 

Man: “All right, all right, all right! Woman, I’m getting you a birthday present!”

(There is silence for a moment before she speaks again.) 

Man: “No, I’m not going to tell you what it is!… No… No… NO!… If you keep guessing I am putting it back.”

(The kitten decides to meow at him at that moment. There is silence, and then an audible squeal comes out of the phone. He sighs.)

Man: “I will see you soon.” *hangs up* “So much for surprises.”

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