I am working as a cashier in a pet store, ringing up a frequent customer, when his mobile rings. The ring tone is a clip from Blue Oyster Cult’s “Don’t Fear the Reaper.”
When he answers it with, “Hi, honey,” I realize that it is his wife calling, who is also here frequently.
I held it together until he left, and then I burst out laughing.
(As everyone knows, when a man brings a sweatshirt to an outdoor event, it becomes the property of his girlfriend. My boyfriend and I have season tickets to a local college’s football games, and every evening game that’s chilly, he’ll tell me he brought his sweatshirt, and I’ll respond with, “Great, but what are you going to wear when it gets cold?” That is, until this:)
Boyfriend: *smugly* “I got smart this time.”
Me: “Oh, you did, huh? What do you mean?”
Boyfriend: “I brought two sweatshirts with me. So you can take one and I’ll still have one.”
Me: *laughing*
(Fast-forward a few hours, and we’re in the stadium, and it’s starting to get chilly. My boyfriend pulls out his sweatshirts from his backpack and I quickly snag both of them.)
Boyfriend: “Hey! What do you need two for?”
Me: “A lap blanket. Thank you!”
Boyfriend: *resigned sigh*
(I’ve had a large stuffed shark from a popular furniture store for a few years and it works great as a body pillow. My boyfriend and I sleep separately due to his snoring and me being a light sleeper. He often pulls the shark down from on top of the couch to wrap around while he sleeps. I’m trying to get him to go to bed one morning and I put the shark back on top of the couch, when he reaches over and says:)
Boyfriend: “Farewell, crotch shark.”
(I doubled over in laughter and he went to bed.)
(When my grandfather was in high school, he and one of his friends made a bet to see who could take more girls on dates in one month. They both ended up taking out a lot of girls in a short amount of time, and something was bound to blow up in their faces. One day my grandfather and several of his friends are messing around on the boardwalk and they meet up with a girl my grandfather knows vaguely from school. She joins the group and spends over half the day with them. After they’ve been hanging out for a few hours, she turns to my grandfather.)
Girl: “You have no idea who I am, do you?”
Grandfather: “Um… not really.”
Girl: “You’re supposed to be picking me up in half an hour.”
(He was very lucky that the girl thought the whole thing was hilarious and wasn’t offended that the guy who was supposed to be taking her out on a date didn’t recognize her.)
(I work at the cafe at the university my boyfriend and I attend. One evening, we schedule to meet up and he arrives at the cafe about 30 minutes before my shift ends. He decides to get a coffee while he waits. I am working the register and there are about ten people in the queue before his turn comes up, so I am on complete autopilot.)
Me: “Welcome to [Shop]. What would you like to order?”
Boyfriend: “One coffee, please.”
Me: “What size?”
Boyfriend: “Medium.”
Me: “Would you like a sandwich or pastry on sale with your coffee?”
Boyfriend: “No, thank you.”
Me: “Would you like to have it here or to take away?”
Boyfriend: *amused* “Take away.”
Me: “All right, that will be a total of [total]. Will you be paying cash or credit?”
Boyfriend: “Cash.”
Me: “May I have a name with that?”
(I stared at him for a second and it wasn’t until my coworker burst into laughter that I realized I’d just asked my boyfriend of over a year for his name.)
