(I’m visiting my parents and we’re talking about our favorite things to do at the state fair. My parents are both in their mid-fifties and like to joke with each other about getting old.)
Mom: “I like looking at all the antiques they have on display.”
Dad: “You don’t need to look at antiques. You have me!”
Mom: “You’re not an antique!”
Dad: “Just junk?”
(I’m over at my boyfriend’s house, and he’s put a couple mugs of water in the microwave to make tea, and then forgotten about them. It’s worth noting that I worked as a theater costume designer for a number of years before going back to school for chemistry.)
Me: “Are the mugs still in the microwave?”
Boyfriend: “Oh, crap. Yes, they are. I totally forgot. Thanks for the reminder.”
Me: *laughing* “No worries. One of the many services which I provide!”
Boyfriend: *teasing* “Ooooh, what other services are there?”
Me: “Well, I try to remind you about stuff on the stove or in the microwave, and friends’ birthdays and anniversaries that you need to call or send cards for, and stuff that you said you wanted to download and then forgot about.”
Boyfriend: “True. Thank you for that.”
Me: “And if I know you’re tired and feeling antisocial, I try to act as a buffer and keep you from getting dragged into conversations you don’t really want to be in. I help with cosplay stuff that would be too expensive to buy but too difficult to make on your own…”
Boyfriend: *handing me a mug of tea* “Those are… really valuable services, actually. Now I think I should be paying you.”
Me: “Nah, just keep making me tea and cuddling me, and I’ll consider myself very well compensated!”
(My fiancé and I are cuddling in bed. It is important to note that while he and I have a faithful, monogamous relationship, I frequently cuddle with my best friend who is a guy. My fiancé is completely okay with this.)
Fiancé: *holding me tightly* “Mine!”
Me: “Yes, I’m all yours! But thank you for sharing me with [Friend] for cuddling.”
(My fiancé then puts his hand up my shirt and squeezes one of my breasts.)
Fiancé: “Mine!”
Me: “Yes, that really is all yours!”
(My husband is in Washington on business. He doesn’t really get the whole time zones thing, so ends up messaging me and the group chat we are all in at really odd times. I am woken up by a stream of messages he sends us, which are song lyrics.)
Me: “Why are you sending us lyrics?”
Husband: “I’m watching A Christmas Carol!”
Me: “Why? It’s July…”
Husband: “Because this hotel only has porn and this one movie!”
Me: “Then, please watch the porn and let me SLEEP!”
Husband: “I don’t think you want me watching this porn.”
Me: “Why?”
Husband: “It’s all gay. Like, literally every single one.”
Me: “So, there’s a hotel, in Washington, that exclusively provides gay porn? What is [Company] thinking?”
Husband: “Maybe they think I’m unfaithful, or gay?”
Me: “Well, good luck with that!”
(I turn back over and start drifting off. My phone goes off once more and I decide just to check it.)
Brother: *who is gay* “Name and address, please! This hotel sounds hot.”
(Muted for the first time ever, the phone was thrown into the hallway.)
(My husband and I are watching one of the X-men movies.)
Me: “No, Captain Picard! That’s a terrible idea; why would you do that?”
Husband: “You do know that’s Professor X right?”
Me: “He’ll always be Captain Picard to me.”
