My husband, our dog, and I are nearing the end of a train journey. We get up to disembark.
Me: “Have we got everything?”
Husband: “Hat. Luggage. Dog. Wife. Yep!”
I raise my eyebrows.
Husband: “Um, not in that particular order, of course.”
My fiancé is extremely smart; however, sometimes he forgets the age gap between us, and even though it’s only five years, it’s humorous to me.
We are laying in bed looking at a certain photo app, and the trend of a video showing when you and your significant other met and where you are now is playing.
Fiancé: “I wish I would have known you in high school. I would have made all my friends jealous.”
I turn and stare at him.
Fiancé: “What? I would have!”
Me: “Hun, when you were eighteen in high school, I was thirteen!”
Fiancé: “OH! OH, NO! No, I didn’t mean that! Not like that! I forgot!”
I just about died of laughter.
My girlfriend is asexual and open about it at work. One day, I’m cleaning up stuff at my place and come across several things I no longer need, so I offer them to her if she wants them. She asks if her coworkers can take some of it and I agree. However, I’m so used to interacting with her, I don’t consider how others view it.
I text her a picture of everything with a message.
Me: “Here’s a pic of my junk. If they want anything let me know and they can have it for free or real cheap, depending on what it is.”
I think nothing of this until it’s nearly dinner time and I hadn’t heard from her again. This isn’t unusual, but she normally lets me know that she’s headed over since we don’t live together, and she is coming over for dinner. I text her a couple of times while making dinner and get no response. I’m considering calling her office when I get a knock on the door.
Girlfriend: *Between fits of laughter* “Oh, my God! You made my day with that picture!”
Me: “What? How? And why didn’t you answer your texts?”
Girlfriend: *Still laughing* “Oh, every time I opened your texts, I got a fit of giggles and couldn’t respond. You remember [Annoying Coworker]?”
Me: “The one who keeps insinuating that you and your coworkers are less of a woman because you won’t have kids?”
This has been reported multiple times, but it’s always determined that it “can’t be determined if it’s directed at you” as several women there have decided not to have children.
Girlfriend: “Yeah, her! Anyway, she reported me to human resources for ‘showing a picture of my boyfriend’s junk’ to everyone. I ended up having to go to HR to explain it.”
Me: *Light bulb going off* “Oh, no… Oh, s***, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to get you in trouble.”
Girlfriend: “I’m not! HR agreed that what we were doing was within reason, if a little risky of being misunderstood, but that what [Annoying Coworker] did could be considered sexual harassment! With all the other reports against her, we can finally show she’s picking on me! Your junk made my day!”
Me: “I never thought I’d hear you say those words.”
This story is part of our Best Of August 2021 roundup!
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My girlfriend is a huge chocoholic. We have been dating for nearly a year and I have never once seen her apartment without some sort of chocolate hiding in the freezer or in the cabinets. We both just engaged in some nightly activities. We’re lying nearly asleep when she sits bolt upright.
Girlfriend: “I SAID NO!”
I jerk straight up, thinking that someone has gotten in, and when I look at her, she is staring straight ahead.
Me: “Baby, what’s going on?”
Girlfriend: *Looking at me* “I told [My Name] no, and he’s still trying to find all the chocolate! You have to stop him.”
Me: “Okay, but you can share.”
Girlfriend: “You are even worse than him! I said no!”
Then, she dropped straight back and was out. In the morning, she couldn’t remember a thing, but she agreed that I should have stopped myself from getting all the chocolate.
Two of my and my husband’s best friends got married a few years ago at a beautiful historic barn/mill. [Bride] has been an equestrian for about twenty years, so it surprised no one that she arrived at the ceremony site on her horse. After she dismounted to walk down the aisle with her father, someone pulled her horse off to the side to keep him occupied until [Bride] could get him back on the trailer to go home. He wasn’t thrilled at his human being out of sight for so long, being a bit of a Mama’s Boy, so occasionally we heard little snorts from him during the ceremony, but nothing especially loud or disruptive. UNTIL…
Pastor: “If anyone here has any lawful objection as to why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.”
At that moment, with the sort of timing you only see in movies, [Bride]’s horse gave the LOUDEST, LONGEST WHINNY I have ever heard from him to this day. There was about half a beat of wide-eyed silence as everyone processed what had just happened, followed by absolute gales of laughter. The pastor was bent forward with his hand on his stomach, wheezing, while [Bride] was fully doubled over in hysterics.
Groom: *Also laughing* “I told you he didn’t like me!”
This, of course, made everyone laugh more, especially [Bride]. Finally, everyone started to calm down and the wedding was able to proceed as the pastor pulled himself together.
Pastor: *Still chuckling* “If anyone here besides [Horse] has any lawful objections…”
It hadn’t been an especially serious event before, but everyone gave up on any sort of solemnity after that. [Bride] and [Groom] have been happily married ever since, and [Horse] has begrudgingly accepted his new “dad.” He’s still mama’s boy, though.
This story is part of our Best Of August 2021 roundup!
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