(I am on my second day of severe food poisoning when my girlfriend and I decide we absolutely have to go to the urgent care to get me feeling better, knowing I have to get at least an IV. Two weeks ago, I purchased an engagement ring and had been planning on proposing the day I got sick. Being overly romantic is something I have never been accused of, and this time is no different. We are halfway down the highway to urgent care when I painfully shift towards her in the car and pull out the ring. She takes one look at it and nearly drives us into the wall in shock… and holds out her right hand.)
Me: “No… I actually do mean the other hand…”
(She starts crying and hands me her left hand, all the while trying not to crash, and I flop back down weakly into the seat.)
Me: “So… is that a yes?”
(Luckily, yes, it was a yes. When we tell the story of how we got engaged, we like to say it was only because I didn’t think I was going to live long enough to “have to actually get married”!)
(My parents rarely show romantic affection towards one another, particularly out in public. We’re all in the family SUV, and we’ve just gone through the drive-thru at a fast food place when I notice my order’s not right.)
Me: “Oh, geez, they forgot the honey for my chicken nuggets.”
Dad: *pats Mom’s leg* “I’ve got my honey right here.”
Mom: “Aw, you’re so sweet!”
Dad: “Just like you; you’re my sweet bee s***.”
(My husband and I are walking through the mall, on our way to buy a birthday present for a friend. My husband and I don’t really have a preference for fancy jewelry. For example, my engagement ring had an opal instead of a diamond, and our wedding bands are sterling silver with acorns and oak leaves. We are laughing as we walk hand in hand. As we pass a jewelry store, this happens.)
Sales Lady: *with a huge smile* “Helllooo!”
(My husband nods back as we are walking.)
Sales Lady: *waving us over* “Come on over! We have some great deals for the holidays!”
Husband: “Nah, she’s not worth it!”
Sales Lady: “What did you say?”
Husband: “It’s fine! SHE’S NOT WORTH IT!”
(The look of horror on the sales lady’s face is priceless as we merrily walk by.)
Me: “Next time tell them I’d just pawn it for drugs.”
(My partner has recently suffered a nervous breakdown and their therapist has ordered them to take a day off — absolutely no work, and nothing stressful. My partner is a huge fan of surprises and hates finding out about presents early.)
Me: “If I find out you’re doing work, I swear, I will send you photos of your birthday present.”
Partner: “You really got me there, love.”
