Relationships, romance, and break-ups!

He’ll Be Flying On That Pun High For Ages

, , , , , , | Romantic | May 25, 2021

My husband and I are sitting in the living room talking when we hear a strange, loud, mechanical sound coming from outside.

Me: “Wow, some really weird plane must be flying overhead. I’ve never heard one quite like that. What kind do you think it is? Or could it be a helicopter?”

My husband shrugs his shoulders, grinning, and puts his hands out to the sides with his palms up in a classic “I don’t know” gesture.

Husband: “It’s hard to be certain when things are all up in the air.”

I still think that was the best pun he’s ever made!

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He’s Everything You Ever Want, Everything You Ever Need

, , , , , | Romantic | May 22, 2021

Me: “We should watch that circus movie starring not-Hugh-Grant.” 

Husband: “You mean The Greatest Showman with Hugh Jackman?” 

Me: *Laughing* “Yes. That’s the one!”

I love it when he knows what I’m talking about.

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It’s Nice To Be Nice To The Nice

, , , , , | Romantic | May 19, 2021

My boyfriend and I have just been intimate. We’re sitting on the bed chatting about it.

Boyfriend: “And you were all, ‘Tell me I’m bad! Tell me I’ve been bad!’ but I don’t— I just—”

He sputters a bit.

Boyfriend: *Flustered* “I don’t want to! You’re a nice lady!”

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Bullet Dodged!

, , , , , , , | Romantic | May 17, 2021

I was bullied in middle school for my grades and my looks. I was a very short, shy, overweight girl. I was eventually diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder that can cause delayed puberty and growth. Once I was put on meds to regulate the condition, I was much better. By the time I hit twenty-one, I look very different than I did as a teenager due to my hormones finally working properly.

One of the guys that used to bully me adds me on social media. I believe in second chances, so I add him. About two minutes later, I get a private message.

Guy: “Hey, what’s up?”

Me: “Studying for finals. You?”

Guy:  “Oh, nothing much.”

I go back to my exam review. A few minutes later, I get another message.

Guy: “D***, you grew up good. Real good.”

Me: “Um… thanks?”

Guy: “You were super awkward-looking in middle school. But I see that’s not a problem anymore.”

Me: “Not really sure what to say to that.”

Guy: “I’m complimenting you. Not used to that?”

Me: “It’s kinda backhanded, don’t you think? We were all awkward in middle school.”

Guy: “Geez, lighten up. I’m paying you a compliment. You should say thank you.”

Me: “Yeah, no.”

Guy: “Still uptight, nerdy, and b****y, I see.”

Me: “I’m deleting you now.”

Guy: “C’mon, give me a chance! I’m just having a bad day.”

Me: “Nope. Bye!”

He was still typing when I blocked him.

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Your First Dance Will Be Your Last

, , , , , | Romantic | May 14, 2021

I was asked to be the best man at a friend’s wedding a good twelve or so years ago. He was an ex-serviceman and she was his childhood sweetheart.

I’d been friends with the groom for upwards of twenty years and known the bride for close to ten. They’d been together the better part of a decade and they always got on, so no one was surprised when they announced their wedding, and everyone expected things to go off without a hitch.

Roll forward a couple of months. The groom showed up at my place unannounced.

Groom: “[Bride] and I just had a huge argument!”

The guy was upset, but a couple of drinks later, he laid out what had happened. He’d been happy to go along with the bride’s plans with one exception: he didn’t want to do the first dance. Why, you ask? He’d been discharged from the service due to losing a lower leg to an IED in the Middle East. He wasn’t exactly fire on the dance floor to start with, and he was as graceful as a hippo now. He also hates doing things that draw attention to his disability, which is understandable. He was going along with a lot of other things that he definitely didn’t really want to do and this was his line in the sand.

He stayed the night at my place, and the day after, we went back to his place as a duo and, with me as mediator, we managed to work it out after a lengthy back and forth with a fair amount of shouting and tears. His bride finally agreed to no dance for his sake and things moved on.

Months later, the big day arrived and it went off great. The weather was flawless, everything came together great, we got through the ceremony, the meals, and the speeches, and it was on to the reception.

It was 7:50 pm and the cake cutting was down for 8:00 pm, so I was gathering outliers back to the main room for that when I heard the DJ get on the mic.

DJ: *Loudly* “Okay, everybody, it’s time for the newlyweds’ first dance!”

I hurried into the room to find the bride centre stage on the dance floor, staring down the groom, who was just the most enraged I’d ever seen him.

Bride: “Come here, [Groom]. It’s dance time!”

He walked over to her, pulled his wedding ring off, and threw it in her face. Then, he walked out, making the “cut it off” gesture to the DJ. He left everyone in shocked silence, and a few seconds later, I got my jaw up off the floor and followed him as the bride went into a meltdown where she stood.

I found the groom stalking through the car park outside and had to physically grip him to get him to calm down. I’d got him at least calm enough to be lucid again when the bride’s mother stomped round the corner and began screaming at the groom, which prompted him to go off again.

Me: “Hey! [Bride] promised him she wouldn’t do this and embarrass him, and yet here we are!”

This shouting match went on for quite some time, until, eventually:

Groom: “[My Name], get me out of here.”

I got a taxi down and we bailed out back to my house so he could cool off.

Early afternoon the day after, the bride knocked on my door.

Bride: “I know [Groom] is in there!”

Groom: “F*** OFF!”

She tried to push past me and I blocked her.

Me: “Just to remind you, this is my house.”

She settled for screaming round me at him. He eventually got fed up and came and stood behind me and spelled it out in the kind of voice you can only manage when you’re restraining unbearable rage.

Groom: “You lied to me, put me on the spot, and shattered my trust in you. How can I continue after that? If you’re willing to lie about something like that, how can I trust you to do anything?”

She tried to counter him but ran out of steam as he kept going, and he ended by saying that he wanted the marriage annulled. She burst into tears and left.

The marriage was annulled not long after. Unsurprisingly, they don’t keep in touch. The groom remarried three years ago with the same request, this time respectfully held by his new wife. The bride moved out of the area shortly after the marriage collapsed and I’ve heard no news of her since.


This story is part of our Best Of May 2021 roundup!

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