Relationships, romance, and break-ups!

These Puns Are Criminal

, , , , , | Romantic | February 24, 2021

My husband and I are lying in bed, having our usual pre-sleep recap of our days.

Husband: “[Boss] was giving us an overview of the candidates coming in for interviews. He said one of them gave him a bad vibe, said he came across as condescending.”

Me: “Ahh, condescending. The opposite of gentleman-ascending.”

Husband: *Long pause* “Shut up.”

Me: *Giggling wildly* “Hey, honey? What do you call a patronizing criminal going down a set of stairs? A condescending con descending!”

He rolled over in bed and pretended to fall asleep. I continued giggling. Unfortunately, I can’t even say my horrible jokes were due to a late hour; this is just my sense of humor. You’d think he would be used to it after eight years together.

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Washing The Misogyny Right Out Of Him

, , , , , | Romantic | February 22, 2021

When my aunt and uncle get married, around 1970, my uncle makes the unfortunately typical male assumption that my aunt will be doing all the housework, even though both of them are working full-time jobs as nurses. My aunt is a modern woman and is not happy about this. She decides to address the issue in a way that is still legendary in our family to this day.

One morning, my uncle is getting ready for work and wants to put on a clean shirt… only to discover that there isn’t a single shirt in his wardrobe, and he is running low on other items of clothing, as well. He goes to ask my aunt about it.

Uncle: “[Aunt], where are my shirts?”

Aunt: “Well, [Uncle], are they your shirts or my shirts?”

Uncle: *Puzzled* “Mine.”

Aunt: “Then why, pray tell, do you assume I would know anything about them?”

Uncle: “Well, haven’t you done the laundry?”

Aunt: *Pointedly* “And why exactly should I be the one doing the laundry?”

Uncle: “Well… you… I mean…”

My aunt gave her husband a good talking-to about how it was unfair of him to expect her to do all the housework on top of her job, just because she was a woman. He agreed to share the chores from then on, and their marriage was a very happy one after that. But my aunt did let him deal with the enormous pile of accumulated laundry to drive home the message.


This story is part of our Best Of February 2021 roundup!

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They Don’t Know. But I Know.

, , , , , | Romantic | February 20, 2021

I work in a small, locally-owned toy shop in a little college town; however, we have a lot of down-to-earth people and families.

A couple comes in with three kids and immediately the kids go crazy, wanting to show their parents every single toy in the store.

It’s a small store but it’s broken into three distinct sections, rooms connected by walkways. We have a card rack next to the cash wrap that has all sorts of cards.

As the wife is being dragged by her kids around the store, the husband comes up to me.

Husband: *Quietly* “Don’t let my wife see; we are big Star Wars fans.”

And he slides me a card with Chewbacca on it that says, “You’re my chew love,” and cash to pay for it. I quietly make small talk with him about the weather and ring him up. I finish just in time as his wife and kids walk around and then grab their dad to go beg and ask for toys.

I’m chatting with the mom and she sees a card on the card rack.

Wife: “This would be perfect for [Husband], but don’t let him see this.”

She slid me cash, finished the transaction, and winked. It was the exact same card.

They finished their shopping, purchased a few toys for their three kids, and walked out, both chuckling to themselves about how clever they were.


This story is part of our Best Of February 2021 roundup!

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Take Care Of Your Partner. Period.

, , , , | Romantic | February 18, 2021

My period has never been regular or predictable, so I try to have supplies on hand at all times. My boyfriend helpfully purchases a small cabinet for his room and delegates a shelf just for my pads, tampons, and a private stash of pain meds.

Unfortunately, my period hits HARD unexpectedly on a night when I’m out of tampons. Despite it being 3:00 am, my boyfriend runs out to a twenty-four-hour convenience store to get more for me while I toss back a handful of ibuprofen and pray the cramps let up. When he comes back:

Boyfriend: “I couldn’t remember if you needed the ones with the green wrapper or the purple wrapper, so I got both. And I wasn’t sure if you’d be craving sweet or salty, so I got a bag of Lays and a pack of Oreos, and a two-liter of Coke for the cramps. Wait, why are you crying?!”

Me: *Sobbing* “Because I love you so much!”

We’re getting married in May!


This story is part of our Best Of February 2021 roundup!

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This Relationship Doesn’t Sound Like A Party

, , , , , | Romantic | February 16, 2021

I’m a woman and one of my best friends is a man. We tend to make pretty crude jokes to each other. One day, I find a truly awful piece of “art” for sale on a site for handmade goods; the best words to describe it would be “unicorn sex party.” I can’t resist, and I email my best friend the link with some silly comment like, “Hey, now I know what to get you for your birthday!” The following day, he yells at me.

Friend: “Why did you email that link? My wife was really offended!”

Me: “I didn’t mean to offend anyone; I was just being silly. Why was she offended, though? I sent it to you.”

My friend speaks slowly, as though explaining something to a child.

Friend: “Because we share the same email address. You know, like all normal married couples do. I’m sure you and [Husband] have the same address.”

Me: “You’d lose that bet because no, we don’t.”

Friend: *Pauses* “Really? You mean that you get emails that he doesn’t see, and vice-versa?”

Me: “Yes?”

Friend: “Huh. I’d never trust [Wife] that much, and I know for a fact that she wouldn’t trust me.”

I learned something about my friend’s marriage that day. I couldn’t help but be a bit sad.

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