(I just started dating a woman who still lives with her family. The first time I come over to her house, I notice my phone number pinned to her bedroom wall, surrounded by hearts and the words “bitsy pookums.”)
Me: “Um…”
Girlfriend: “My sister thinks she’s so funny.”
(I married her anyway. And yes, I did catch the “Calvin and Hobbes” reference.)
(I’m in the process of scraping paint off the door frame in the kitchen. Much of it has come off fairly easily, but there are about twelve inches of space that are really tenacious. As I’m grappling with it, my husband asks me how it’s going.)
Husband: “How’s the project coming?”
Me: “This one bit of paint is really hard to get off!”
(My husband takes the putty knife from me, and I think, “How sweet! He’s going to take over for a while.” He chips at the paint with the putty knife for about four seconds and then hands it back to me.)
Husband: “You’re right! It is.”
(He then wandered off, leaving me to my task.)
(I’m in my apartment with my girlfriend playing a medieval MMO. She’s on her laptop out in the kitchen, while I’m in my office on my desktop. We’re hanging out in the starting town when a random low-level player starts following me. Note: I’m 30 and she’s 27, and we’ve both been playing this game together since high school.)
Random Player: “Hey, [My Username]!”
Me: “Yes?”
Random Player: “Free money, please?”
Me: “You can make money by killing goblins or cows, or by fishing or mining.”
Random Player: “I don’t want to do that! Give me 500k or I’ll do your mom in bed!”
Me: “Okay, that’s actually very disturbing.”
Random Player: “What, can’t handle me sleeping with your mom?”
Girlfriend: “No, he means it’s disturbing that you’re turned on by sixty-year-old married women.”
(The random player briefly stands there, silent, and then runs off without saying another word.)
Me: *shouting out of my office to my girlfriend* “You’re definitely a keeper, babe!”
(She responded by making her avatar blow my avatar a kiss in-game. A moment later, she waltzed into my office and gave me a kiss on the cheek. We have now been married for three years, and we still play that MMO together from time to time.)
(In my teens, I used to dance competitively. If you’ve ever been to a dance competition, you know that even the young kids have to wear a LOT of stage makeup. This happens right after a competition day. My family has taken me to a restaurant for dinner to celebrate my new medals. I’m tired and sweaty, not all of my makeup would come off, and the waiting area is standing-room-only, so with my parents’ permission, I step out to a bench directly outside the waiting area. It’s a cool night, so I sprawl out on the bench and am soaking in the cool breeze when I hear voices nearby. I sit up and see some guys around eighteen or nineteen pointing at me and nudging each other. Before I can really ascertain what they are doing, one of them comes over to sit next to me.)
Guy: “Hey there. What are you doing here all alone?”
Me: *immediately flashing back to school warnings of strangers in white vans offering candy* “U-um… my parents are right in there!”
Guy: “Ugh, parents, right?”
Me: *visible confusion* “Um… yeah?”
Guy: “So, are you from around here?”
(The conversation continues for a few minutes with me giving vague, confused answers while the guy’s buddies stand around snickering at their friend apparently getting nowhere. I still haven’t figured out what’s going on, but then…)
Guy: “You’re kind of young, aren’t you? How old are you?”
Me: *honestly* “Th-thirteen…”
Guy: *jumping off the bench like it is white-hot* “WHOA! Okay! You have a great night, hon! Uh… call me in like… five years!”
(He bolted, his friends following after howling with laughter. I uneasily returned inside. My mom nearly had a heart attack when I recounted the exchange to her. Somehow she managed to miss the whole thing, even though I was within line-of-sight!)
(I am spending a chill Sunday afternoon at home, with my wife, browsing online. My wife is reading a listicle on social media about the worst examples of mansplaining. She reads a little way in, looks confused, and then turns to me. I am male.)
Wife: “What’s mansplaining?”
Me: “Is… is this a trap?
