I’m tall. Everyone in my family is also tall, so it wasn’t a big shock when I hit six feet as I went into high school. By sixteen, I’d topped off at a little over six-foot-one-inch tall. I’m female and got teased about my height a bit, but honestly, the most annoying part was trying to find clothes long enough for me.

Then, I began dating.

Classmate #1: “[My Name], is it true that you’re dating [Boyfriend]?”

Me: “Yes, for about two months.”

Classmate #1: *Giggling* “Isn’t he shorter than you?”

Me: “Yep.”

Classmate #2: “By like, a lot, though.”

Me: “Not really. He’s about five-foot-nine, so it’s only a few inches.”

Classmate #2: “Doesn’t that bother you? He’s short!”

Me: “No? If it bothered me, I wouldn’t be dating him.”

Classmate #2: “I could never date anyone shorter than me. That’s so embarrassing.”

Me: “You must be easily embarrassed if that’s all it takes.”

Classmate #1: “What does that mean?”

Me: “It means [Boyfriend] is shorter than me, and we both knew that when we decided to date each other. I’m over six feet tall; I always knew that whoever I dated would most likely be shorter than me. I’m taller than our teacher! I would only be embarrassed if we’d been dating for two months and I only just now noticed he was five inches shorter than me. Date whoever you want, and I’ll do the same, yeah?”

Classmate #1: “You can’t even wear high heels when he takes you out!”

Me: “Who says I don’t wear high heels when we go out?”

Classmate #2: “Oh, my God, that would make you like, six-four or something!”

Me: “Sometimes, yeah, if the heels are high enough.”

Classmate #1: “That’s so funny! I bet you guys look hilarious together like that!” *Laughs*

Me: “Why is that funny?”

Classmate #1: “Because you’re so tall!” *More laughing*

Me: “Oh, my God, [Classmate #1], you’re so short!” *Loud laughter* “Ha ha, wow! You’re just so short, and that’s so funny! Ha ha ha ha ha! I bet you and your boyfriend look soooooo funny together because you’re sooooo short! Ha ha ha ha ha! He’s so much taller than you! Ha ha! That’s soooo funny! Oh, my God!” *more laughter*

Classmate #2: “What is wrong with you?”

Me: “What? I thought we were making fun of people who had height differences with their boyfriends? She’s barely over five feet tall, and he’s almost my height. So, therefore: ha ha, [Classmate #1], your boyfriend is nine inches taller than you! Isn’t that just so embarrassing?! Aren’t you so embarrassed?! Oh, my gosh, you can’t ever wear flats around him! Ha ha!“

I kept up the fake laughter until they were sufficiently weirded out and moved away. I don’t miss our talks.

I dated this girl in high school. We were sitting and watching the news, and the shot was a reporter reporting on the Iraq war.

Under her picture, it said, “Via Satellite”.

Girlfriend: “That’s such a unique name! She must be Italian.”

She’s a doctor now.

I am a woman and have been chatting with a guy I connected with on a dating app. Then, he does the thing that is all too common on these apps. (I swear it’s over half of guys.) Completely and without any kind of warning or flirtation, he sends a d**k pic.

Guy: “So… you into it?”

Me: “Oh, my God! You need to go see a doctor ASAP! I’m a nurse, and that spot looks extremely dangerous and should be checked out immediately!”

Guy: “Wait, what spot?!”

Then, I just ghost them.

They likely won’t actually go see a doctor, but hopefully, it will scare the s*** out of them for a bit.

One time, I was on a date with a girl, and she told me that she was into conspiracy theories. Because she phrased it like that, I thought that she was into learning about conspiracy theories and having a laugh about them.

Me: “Oh, interesting. Care to elaborate?”

She then went off for like an hour about 5G. (This was awkward as h*** because I’m an engineer who designs 5G small-cell telecom towers.) I listened for a little while, and then I started prodding with obvious questions.

Me: “What do you think is sinister about them?”

Me: “Why would telecom companies choose to poison everyone over airborne radio waves?” 

Me: “What would anybody have to gain from that?”

I finally told her that I design structures that allow telecom companies to put up 5G equipment in the world.

Then, she was all excited. And I guess she thought she was gonna crack the code. She started asking me a million weird questions.

Girl: “Why don’t they want us to know they’re putting up 5G?”

Me: “Everyone knows, and these towers have to be approved by local government. Just show up to city hall.”

Girl: “Why does 5G give people headaches?”

Me: “Why do headaches happen to people all the time?”

The one that stuck out to me the most was:

Girl: “What’s the black goo for?”

Me: “I’ve designed all sorts of equipment and cables, and never in my life have my project requirements said, ‘Don’t forget to leave space for black goo tubes.’”

Girl: “No, I’ve seen videos of people digging around 5G sites, and there are these big tubes full of black goo! And they say that it has a horrible smell from whatever is in it. But they hide them because these people had to dig really deep, past all the electrical conduits and fibers and ordinary stuff!”

And now I was laughing my a** off and she was confused.

Me: “You watched a guy dig up and break into a sewer line. I’ll bet it did smell bad!”

Anyway, I walked her back to her car and said goodnight. The next day, she was messaging me mad that I didn’t invite her back to my place or schedule another date.

It is Valentine’s Day. A couple have sat down and the guy immediately takes over ordering for both of them. I see this usually with couples who have been together for a long time, but this feels like a young relationship, possibly a first date, and the woman seems irked by it.

Guy: “Yeah, we’ll have the bone-in tenderloin, and add on some lobster tails for us both.”

He throws in a nice bottle of wine, and they eat everything. At the end of the night, with a few minutes to closing, I bring by their check and the guy turns to me with a smug look on his face.

Guy: “So, I’m not paying a cent. I’m a hunter and there’s no such thing as a bone-in tenderloin. You thought you could swindle me.”

He’s doing this as some kind of act of bravado to impress his date. Instead, she looks mortified, and as sorry as I feel for her all I can do is laugh.

Guy: “What’s so funny?”

Me: “Please give me a moment to inform the kitchen of your… complaint. It’s been a very demanding night, and they could do with the laugh.”

He tries to stop me, but I have opened the door to the kitchen and loudly inform them what the customer told me. The sound of them all laughing so hard amplifies into the restaurant. I return to the table.

Me: “Thanks, sir. We needed that. Now how will you be paying?”

Embarrassed, but still not willing to back down, he still claims we’re trying to sell a fake piece of meat. Our manager comes over with the packaging of some uneaten fresh bone-in tenderloin, clearly labeled.

Manager: “Hey! Kraven! What do you make of this?! I can Google it too if you like?”

He paid.