I’m a woman. After feeling sorry for myself, seeing all of my friends getting married and having kids, I decide to try online dating. I start talking to a seemingly nice man, and we decide to get dinner one night. Things start off pretty well. We’re having a good conversation, and we seem to have a lot in common.

Then, my date starts looking over my shoulder a lot. I turn around and see a group of young women, probably in their early twenties, seated at a table behind me. One woman, in particular, is dressed in a somewhat skimpy tank top and miniskirt, with a few visible tattoos, and she has a baby with her.

Date: “Must be some sort of bachelorette party or something.”

Me: “Well, they don’t seem to be causing any problems. We can ignore them and finish eating.”

Date: “That chick with the kid must be the bride. Probably got knocked up at a drunk party, looking like that. I wonder if she even knows who Daddy is. Pity the poor guy she tricked into marrying her and raising the kid.”

Me: “[Date], shut up! That’s really rude.”

Date: “Hey, I’m just saying, wear a condom, you know? Especially with her — she’s cute and all, but she looks the kind of girl who spreads diseases.”

I walked out of the restaurant, and when I got home, I reported the guy on the dating site for his behavior. Then, I closed all of my online dating profiles. I would rather be alone and single than have to deal with guys like that again.

Back when I was using an online dating service, I made plans to meet up with a girl at a bar. I got there a few minutes early and decided to sit at the bar to wait, since the entryway didn’t have any seating and the bar was right next to it. I didn’t get anything, just sat there watching the entryway for her to get in.

A person who looked like her came in and then went to a table with a group at it already. It happened again with another person, so I figured she just had a bit of a generic look. It got to about fifteen minutes later than we planned to meet, so I was just getting ready to order a nice beer to have and then leave — I chose a place with a great beer selection — when a server came over and asked if I was waiting for someone.

I affirmed and he took me over to a table in the bar with a girl and guy sitting at it. She said she was my date. She explained that she came in, saw me sitting at the bar, and thought I was maybe her date, but she saw her friend sitting and immediately went over to him. So, okay, whatever.

We went to sit at a different table, ordered drinks, and chatted. She couldn’t finish her drink, so she took it over to her friend and came back. About thirty minutes later, she looked at the time and said she needed to go because the last bus was about to come. She left immediately, sticking me with the tab for her friend’s drink.

It wasn’t a good date, either. She was always just waiting for me to stop talking so that she could talk about whatever she was thinking about, making no real effort at an actual conversation. At least I was in the habit of suggesting places where I knew I could get great beer, so it wasn’t a completely wasted night.

My wife and I went to a movie a while ago. During the previews, a younger couple came in and sat in the row behind us and off to one side a bit. The guy immediately pulled his cell phone out and started using it while the woman munched on popcorn and watched the previews.

Finally, the movie started and he still was on his phone. I was about to ask him to turn it off when it rang and he answered and started a very animated conversation with someone. I then told him to “Turn it off or leave!” and, after giving me a death glare, he whispered something to the woman. They got up and, with him still chatting on the phone, they began to leave… or so I thought.

Instead of leaving, they plopped down in some seats in the first row, him still chatting away. We could hear him from where we were. Several people seated nearby him asked him to turn the phone off but he ignored them. Finally, someone left and got a manager who came in and told him to leave.

He stood up, turned to face us all, and yelled, “THANKS FOR TOTALLY RUINING MY DATE!” Then, he stomped out of the theater with the woman sheepishly trailing behind to scattered laughter, jeers, and — for real — applause.

I’m at home. A friend is staying with me due to quarantine. While she is on Facebook, she tells me there is a new Ben and Jerry’s flavor called “Netflix and Chill.” I have been single for five years.

Me: “So I’ll finally be able to get some Netflix and chill!”

Friend: “It is peanut butter ice cream; you’re allergic to peanuts.”

Me: “Maybe I should start thinking about becoming a nun, since not even ice cream will let me have some Netflix and chill.”

Related:
Leave It To Ben & Jerry To Make Things Awkward, Part 2
Leave It To Ben & Jerry To Make Things Awkward

A man comes into my grocery store to buy flowers and some chocolate. He is wearing a uniform for a local hot dog stand and grinning like a maniac. 

Customer: “Could you take the price off for me? I’m on a first date.”

Me: “Oh, congratulations!”

I take the tag off.

Customer: “Yeah, we just spent two hours at [Fast Food Place] staring into each other’s eyes.”

He produces a digital camera from his pocket and shows me several pictures of her.

Me: “Well, that’s a good way for a first date to start.”

I have finished ringing him up, but there are no other customers so I don’t feel the need to rush him off.

Customer: “Could I get a bag for the flowers? And do you have any of those little cards? Or a post-it note?”

Me: “I have a bag, but I don’t have a little card. I do have a post-it if you want. It says the store slogan on the bottom, though.”

Customer: “Sounds awesome!”

I retrieve both items and we put his flowers in the bag. I advise him to write his note on the register belt as it allows for better handwriting. The whole time, he is giving me way more information about his date than I would like. He attaches the note to the flowers and sticks the chocolate inside. He goes to thank me and notices my name tag.

Customer: “Thank you… Hey! That’s her name! You guys have the same name!”

Me: “That’s odd. What a coincidence.”

Customer: “Can you take a picture of me with the flowers?”

I oblige and take several pictures of him trying to show me how to get his camera to focus before I get the shot he wants.

Me: “Well, now you’ll have the memory of the cashier that couldn’t take pictures.”

Customer: “Could I… get a picture of you, as well?”

I oblige and pose, and when the picture is over, it seems like the final goodbye. The customer is halfway to the door.

Customer: “Oh! And kisses are magic!”

He pranced out the door into the night.

This story is included in our Feel-Good roundup for July 2020!

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