I Don’t Love You, Man

, , , , | | Romantic | July 17, 2019

(I meet this guy who is my customer at work. He seems normal, and we exchange numbers and agree to go on a date to the movies. We agree to meet at the theater to watch “I Love You, Man.” I get there first and I feel butterflies since I’ve never actually been on a date before, due to working a lot. I have a bad feeling, but I figure it is time to try it since I am already 25. The movie begins, and he doesn’t show. I call him and he picks up.)

Me: “Hey, where are you? The movie’s about to start!”

Guy: “Oh, yeah, sorry, but I can’t make it today.”

Me: *flabbergasted* “What?”

Guy: “Oh, yeah, I’m so sorry. I forgot that I don’t have a car.”

Me: “Um… How did you expect to get here, then? A taxi?”

Guy: “Yeah, I don’t have any money for that! I didn’t think that far ahead. I’m so dumb. Listen, do you think you can pick me up? I’m at the bus stop.”

(I decline and hang up. My intuition tells me to just ignore him, so I do and watch the movie by myself. After it’s done, he calls again.)

Guy: “Look, I’m so sorry again for not being able to come.”

Me: “Yeah, I had to watch the movie by myself, you know!”

Guy: “I said I’m so sorry. Can I call you later?”

(I agreed and hung up. Later, he came to my work and asked if he could have another date. I said no. Then, he started asking bizarre questions, like if I thought he was hot, and if I wanted to spend the weekend in a hotel on the beach with him. Keep in mind, we still didn’t have a date! I said no, and he asked if I had any hot friends to hook him up with. By now, all my coworkers were staring wide-eyed and he finally left… bursting into maniacal laughter as he went. I don’t think I’ll date again for a while.)

Bullet: Dodged

, , , , , , , , | | Romantic | June 20, 2019

(In college, I go on a blind date with a friend of a friend. I have a bad feeling about it, but I brush it off and tell myself it’s just nerves. The night of the date, he is supposed to arrive at 6:00 pm. By 6:10, I start to wonder if I’ve been stood up. At 6:30, I call him.)

Date: “Hello?”

Me: “Um, hi, this is [My Name].”

Date: “Oh, hey! Look, yeah, I’m on my way. My mom was late getting home so I had to wait for her car.”

Me: “Oh, okay. I’ll meet you out front?”

Date: “Yeah, I’ll be there soon.”

(Another fifteen minutes go by and a minivan pulls up in front of my house. My date flips on the overhead light and beckons me to hop in.)

Date: “All right! Hi! Nice to meet you. Wow, you are gorgeous!”

Me: “Oh. Um, well, thank you. You… you look nice, too.”

Date: “So, I was thinking about [Fancy Sushi Restaurant].”

Me: “I love sushi! I’ve never been to [Fancy Sushi Restaurant], though.”

Date: “You’ll love it.”

(We arrive and are seated immediately. The waiter comes by and my date orders a bottle of wine — “the best you’ve got” — and we each order two rolls of sushi, 12 pieces each.)

Me: “So, you’re an art major.”

Date: “I dropped out. I don’t think I need a state-sanctioned education to understand art. You know?”

Me: “Art is subjective, anyway. Something that makes you laugh might scare the pants off someone else.”

Date: *dead stare* “No. Not like that at all.”

Me: “Oh.”

Date: “It’s fine; you don’t have to understand.”

(I get the feeling he’s patronizing me, and as the night goes on, the feeling gets stronger. I try to remain polite, but then this happens.)

Date: “I mean, seriously, a female manager is a joke. A man is going to talk to the customers because they’ll see him as an authority figure.”

Me: “I’ve seen plenty of authoritative female managers.”

Date: *laughs* “They’re not called ‘wo-managers’!”

Me: “Okay. Um, I think it’s time to go home.”

Date: “Aren’t you enjoying your night?”

Me: “I’d like to go home.”

Date: *sigh* “Fine.” *waves for the check*

(The check comes and he picks it up to examine the charges. Then, he puts it down and begins patting down his coat pockets.)

Date: “Oh, man. You’re not going to believe this.”

Me: “What?”

Date: “I don’t have my wallet. I think I left it at home.”

Me: “Are you serious?”

Date: “Yeah! Oh. Sorry.” *slides the check to me*

(I look at it and see that our four rolls of sushi and a bottle of wine are nearly $100! I try not to react but I’m in shock. I put down my card and we wait for the receipt.)

Me: “Wow. This place is fancy, huh?”

Date: “Yeah. The best of everything!”

Me: *tight smile* “Mmhmm.”

(We ride home in awkward silence. On the way, he pulls into a gas station, parks in a spot, and hops out. Confused, I sit there waiting. A few minutes later, he comes back out and pulls a new pack of cigarettes out of his pocket.)

Me: “Um… So… You found your wallet?”

Date: *lighting up* “Huh? Oh! Yeah, I guess so.”

Me: “So, where was it?”

Date: “In my coat pocket! Crazy, huh?”

Me: “Yeah. Crazy.”

(When we got back to my house, he leaned in for a kiss but I declined and jumped out. The next day, he sent me a text saying he didn’t think it would work out between us because I was just too uptight and he didn’t think I could carry on a stimulating conversation with him. What a loss.)

“D***, Jackie, I Can’t Control The Weather!”

, , , , , | | Romantic | June 15, 2019

(When my parents are dating, my dad is very shy about trying to “make a move,” so my mom tries to hurry things along. She convinces him to go outside and look at the full moon on a cold night.)

Mom: “My hands are cold.” *moves closer to my dad*

Dad: “Why don’t you put your hands in your pocket?”

(They eventually got it together and have been married for 46 years. So, when I started dating a guy I really liked, one of our early dates was to a football game that was really cold. He had also been shy about “making a move,” so I tried moving closer and saying that I was cold. He got up and went to the concession stand for hot chocolate. We’ve been married for three years.)

Have Some Selfie-Respect

, , , , , , | Romantic | March 31, 2019

(I met this guy on a dating app, and we have been texting for a few days. I have several tattoos and he has asked to see pics — no big deal. I take some pics of the tats on my ankle and wrist and send them to him.)

Guy: “Who else is with you?”

Me: “Huh? I’m alone. Why?”

Guy: “No, seriously. Why is there another guy there taking pics of you?”

Me: “I just used the camera on my phone; it only needs one hand to take a pic.”

Guy: “No, someone else is there and you are lying to me. It’s not possible to take a pic of your right wrist with your left hand.”

Me: “Okay, you caught me. My house is haunted and the ghost was taking the pics.”

Guy: “I knew it. You lied about being alone. I can’t trust you.”

(Glad I dodged that bullet!)

Lactose Intolerance Versus Lactose Ignorance, Part 2

, , , , , | Right Romantic | January 19, 2019

Patron #1: “Why do you have two ice cream options?”

Me: “One is made with cow’s milk, while the other is made with coconut milk.”

Patron #1: “What’s the difference?”

Me: “One is vegan-friendly and safe for those with lactose sensitivity.”

Patron #1: “I don’t understand. Which should I get?”

Me: “I assume after the chicken you just had that you are neither vegan nor lactose intolerant, so I would suggest the ice cream made with cow’s milk.”

Patron #1: “No, I think I’m lactose intolerant.”

Me: “But your sauce was prepared with milk. Are you all right?”

Patron #1: “I think so.” *to [Patron #2]* “Am I?”

(I stare at both of them while [Patron #2] face-palms.)

Patron #2: “I think we’ll risk it.”

(I bring them their ice cream. Half an hour later I am asked to bring the bill, and [Patron #2] offers to pay with a card. I take him to the reader.)

Me: “Are you sure he’s all right? I don’t want him to get sick.”

Patron #2: “I don’t think he knows what it means, so I think it’s safe to assume he’ll be fine.”

Me: *worried* “Oh, I thought you knew each other. I shouldn’t have suggested the cow’s milk.”

Patron #2: “No, seriously. Even if he is lactose intolerant, I doubt there’s enough going on in there to make the connection. I think I’ve actually gotten dumber just spending the night with him.”

Me: “Oh, I see. Well, please let us know if there are any problems.”

Patron #2: “Sure, although I doubt I’ll see him after tonight. I don’t know if I’ll ever use Grindr again!”

Lactose Intolerance Versus Lactose Ignorance

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