Grandpa Was A Playa!

, , , , | Romantic | October 1, 2019

(When my grandfather was in high school, he and one of his friends made a bet to see who could take more girls on dates in one month. They both ended up taking out a lot of girls in a short amount of time, and something was bound to blow up in their faces. One day my grandfather and several of his friends are messing around on the boardwalk and they meet up with a girl my grandfather knows vaguely from school. She joins the group and spends over half the day with them. After they’ve been hanging out for a few hours, she turns to my grandfather.)

Girl: “You have no idea who I am, do you?”

Grandfather: “Um… not really.”

Girl: “You’re supposed to be picking me up in half an hour.”

(He was very lucky that the girl thought the whole thing was hilarious and wasn’t offended that the guy who was supposed to be taking her out on a date didn’t recognize her.)

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These Days You Have To Fight Packs Of Wild Dogs To Find Your True Love

, , , , , | Romantic | September 9, 2019

(I am having lunch with a colleague and we’ve been talking about our plans for the weekend. I mentioned someone is cooking dinner for me, and my colleague has guessed it’s a date. She’s trying to get information out of me about the person — particularly how we met — and I’m reluctant to share. I’m female and also prone to getting into weird accidents.)

Colleague: “You know, if you made something up, I wouldn’t be this interested.”

Me: “I realise this in hindsight.”

Colleague: “I’m just going to guess.”

Me: *sensing she’s not being entirely serious* “That’s fine.”

Colleague: “Okay. He’s got a criminal record.”

Me: “I don’t think so. Hasn’t come up.”

Colleague: “Darn, okay. Um. He saved you from wild dogs and that’s how you met?”

Me: “Nope.”

Colleague: “He got into a drunk fight with someone and you’re a bit embarrassed about it.”

Me: “Also no.”

Colleague: “You saved him from wild dogs and–”

Me: “Where did wild dogs come from? What do you think I do in my spare time?”

Colleague: “You lead an interesting life.”

Me: “Not that interesting!”

Colleague: “You really don’t want to say? It can’t be that bad, you know.”

(I weigh it up. I really like this colleague and trust her so I decide to go for it)

Me: “If I tell you, promise you’ll keep it to yourself for now?”

Colleague: “Yes, sure.”

Me: “I’m dating a woman.”

Colleague: “That actually was going to be my next guess.”

(In fairness, I’d assumed until meeting that person that I was straight — and am now coming to terms with my identity — so it isn’t that obvious a thing for her to guess. But I do still have one question…)

Me: “Out of interest, assuming you were asking in order of most to least likely, why was fighting wild dogs more likely than me turning out not to be entirely straight?”

Colleague: “I can just really picture that happening to you.”

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Won’t Be Branching Down This Tree

, , , , , | Romantic | August 23, 2019

(I am on a first date with a guy I met online. He works for a tree removal business. I teach high school biology. We are both pretty nervous but he is telling me about his job.)

Me: “I guess you learned a lot about tree species before you got your job? I’m more of a zoologist than a botanist.”

Date: “Yeah.” *laughs* “I could tell you a lot about trees. Like, palm trees are growing farther north than they ever used to.”

Me: “No kidding.”

Date: “Oh, yeah, and here there are a lot of oaks and pines that have to be taken out because it’s gotten too warm for them to survive. It’s intense how many of those trees have died in the last ten years.”

Me: “Global warming sure is scary.”

Date: “Global warming isn’t real.”

Me: “…”

Date: “There’s a concert next weekend that I’d really like to take you to.”

Me: “I don’t think this is going to work out.”

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Small Plates With Small Expectations

, , , , , | Romantic | August 9, 2019

(I go on a date with a guy who seems really sweet. He asks me out to dinner at a restaurant right up the road from me that I have been wanting to try for a while. We decide to sit at the bar, since it is Happy Hour.)

Date: “Would you mind doing the Happy Hour menu with me? It’s $5 cocktails, $5 beers, and $5 small plates, so it’s cheaper. We could each get a couple of small plates and make a dinner out of it.”

Me: “That sounds fine to me! I’ve made a meal out of Happy Hour options before!” 

(I am pretty excited because the Happy Hour menu has a lot of small plate options that look really good. We each order a drink.)

Bartender: “Have you guys decided whether you’d like any food tonight?”

Date: “Yeah! Why don’t we start off with one small plate each?” 

Me: “That sounds great.”

(We each order a small plate item and begin to have a pleasant conversation while we nurse our drinks and wait on our food. The food comes quickly and is delicious, but they aren’t kidding that these are small plates. They are about the equivalent of a four-piece chicken nugget — without fries — from a certain fast food restaurant. It’s maybe enough for a small lunch, but certainly not enough for dinner.)

Me: “That was really delicious! I know Happy Hour ends in like half an hour, so should we order more food and a second round of drinks?”

Date: “No, I think I’m good. Maybe another drink. I’m actually getting pretty full.” 

(I am honestly baffled. We’ve had one small appetizer each, yet he is saying he is full.)

Me: “Oh. Okay, well, let’s at least order another round of drinks.” 

(The bartender comes back. Before we can order another round of drinks…)

Date: “Oh, can I get a to-go order?” 

(He then proceeds to ask the bartender for three different entrees and an appetizer TO GO from the full-price main menu.)

Me: *in complete disbelief* “You dipping out on me?” *nervous laughter*

Date: “No, I just know I’ll be hungry later.”

Me: *in my head* “Of course you’ll be hungry later… We only had an appetizer. I’m hungry now!” *out loud* “Well, I’m actually still pretty hungry now, so I think I might order something else.”

Date: “Oh, I didn’t know we were going to eat a lot of food tonight.”

Me: *internally* “You invited me to dinner!

(I am too embarrassed at this point to try to argue with him. It feels like he is almost food-shaming me for wanting more than an appetizer. He almost immediately changes the subject and starts talking about himself for a while. I keep glancing at my phone to see if Happy Hour is over yet, because I want more food.)

Me: “Happy Hour ends in a few minutes. You sure you don’t want to get more food?” 

Date: “Yeah, I’m sure.” *continues to ramble on and on*

(I’m completely dejected at this point. I’m self-conscious about my weight and have anxiety as it is, so pushing back against something like this makes me really nervous. So, I just sit there with a fake smile on my face, listening to him talk, and attempting to find things to say in response. Finally, half an hour after Happy Hour ends, he looks over at the menu and notices another appetizer that sparks his fancy.)

Date: “Ooooh, this appetizer looks good.” *checks watch* “But dang, Happy Hour is over. Too bad.” 

Me: *screaming internally*

(When the check comes, I don’t even bother offering to contribute. I know that my entire “meal” cost about $10 — $5 for my cocktail and $5 for my small plate. I glance at the bill when he opens it, and it is over $60, meaning he’s ordered himself like $40 worth of food to go, on top of the $10 for his small plate and drink. A few minutes later, we wrap up our date and he gives me a weird side-hug thing.)

Date: “Thanks for taking the time to meet me tonight.” 

Me: “Thanks for ‘dinner.'” 

(Yes, I used air quotes and no, he did not catch on. I then proceeded to stop at a fast food place on my way home to get a $10 dinner that would actually satisfy a grown adult’s appetite. I would have been completely understanding had he not been hungry, not wanted to spend very much, or had he not been feeling well. I’ve had guys say, “Oh, I’m full, but you’re more than welcome to order something else if you’re still hungry,” and similar things. I’ve never had a guy basically shut me down every time I tried to order dinner.  At one point, I even offered to have separate checks so I could just order myself more food. But he weirdly kind of shut that down without being aggressive or outright rude. He just kind of changed the subject. I’ve also NEVER had someone order a to-go order right in the middle of a date, especially while insisting that neither of us should order more food.)

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From Myspace To Sharing Space

, , , , , , , | Romantic | August 4, 2019

Years ago, my best friend, who is male, met a really cool girl who liked all the same music that he did. There was never anything there romantically, but they often went to gigs together and he would show me the photos afterward.

Despite the fact my best friend had become close with this girl, I never actually met her, but I had seen photos on social media and had spoken over MySpace — under a ridiculous emo name — etc.

This was about ten years ago, when we were all heading to university and we lost touch. My best friend moved far away and my online-only friendship with this girl ended.

Over a year ago, a new guy started working at my office, and there was an immediate attraction. I recognised his face and his surname. Pre-transition, he had been the girl that I used to chat with online! I didn’t want to say anything, because he passed well and no one in the office knew. So, I kept quiet.

This guy and I got very close very quickly. Just for context: I am a stereotypical girly-girl. Long hair, likes makeup and dresses, etc. And before long, I asked him out on a date.

The date went brilliantly, and one date became two, and two became more. My boyfriend still hadn’t broached the subject of his gender, which was fine. But I could tell that he was worried about telling me, and he later admitted that he had dug himself into a hole about it.

One day, my boyfriend sat me down. He was somber. I honestly thought that someone in his family had died! The moment had come. Before he had a chance to speak, I put the poor bloke out of his misery.

I explained that I was pansexual, and that I knew who he was. I showed him my old emo MySpace. Suddenly, he remembered who I was! We had a good laugh about it.

We’d both done the exact same thing to each other: kept quiet just to not rock the boat. Sums us both up, really.

We’re still together and happy. I plan to ask him to marry me on his birthday next month.

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