A Healthy Marriage

, , , , , , | Romantic | October 10, 2019

([Doctor #1] and [Doctor #2] are married. [Doctor #1] is a neurosurgeon and [Doctor #2] works in the NICU. They’ve made a cake for a coworker’s birthday.)

Doctor #2: “Can we write anything better than just, ‘Happy Birthday, [Coworker]!’ on the cake?”

Doctor #1: You have doctor handwriting and can’t write anything on the cake.”

Doctor #2: “You’re also a doctor!”

Doctor #1: *jokingly* “Excuse me. Neurosurgery is the calligraphy of medicine. These hands are the surgeon’s hands! Artist’s hands!”

Doctor #2: *laughing* “Okay, Dr. Artist, go ahead.”

([Doctor #1] grabs the frosting and accidentally leans on the tray the cake is sitting on. The tray scoots backward and he grabs it to stop it from falling off the counter, but he misjudges the weight and pulls it off the counter towards him. Instinct kicks in and he tries to catch it with his foot but ends up punting it directly into a wall.)

Doctor #2: *sitting on the ground and crying with laughter* “If you ever come into the NICU and try to touch a baby, I’ll have you shot.”

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Cheating On The Survey

, , | Romantic | October 9, 2019

(I have been filling out a survey with this customer over the telephone, with a little small talk in between questions.)

Customer: “You sound very attractive. Where do you live?”

Me: *gives vague geographical region*

Customer: “Oh, that’s a little far for me to travel, too bad.”

Me: “Okay, last questions! Marital status?”

Customer: “Married!”

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Being Married Has A Nice Ring(Tone) To It

, , , , | Romantic | October 7, 2019

I am working as a cashier in a pet store, ringing up a frequent customer, when his mobile rings. The ring tone is a clip from Blue Oyster Cult’s “Don’t Fear the Reaper.” 

When he answers it with, “Hi, honey,” I realize that it is his wife calling, who is also here frequently.

I held it together until he left, and then I burst out laughing.

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She’s Running Laps Around You

, , , , | Romantic | October 5, 2019

(As everyone knows, when a man brings a sweatshirt to an outdoor event, it becomes the property of his girlfriend. My boyfriend and I have season tickets to a local college’s football games, and every evening game that’s chilly, he’ll tell me he brought his sweatshirt, and I’ll respond with, “Great, but what are you going to wear when it gets cold?” That is, until this:)

Boyfriend: *smugly* “I got smart this time.”

Me: “Oh, you did, huh? What do you mean?”

Boyfriend: “I brought two sweatshirts with me. So you can take one and I’ll still have one.”

Me: *laughing*

(Fast-forward a few hours, and we’re in the stadium, and it’s starting to get chilly. My boyfriend pulls out his sweatshirts from his backpack and I quickly snag both of them.)

Boyfriend: “Hey! What do you need two for?”

Me: “A lap blanket. Thank you!”

Boyfriend: *resigned sigh*

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Don’t Want To Be Caught In THAT Sharknado

, , , , | Romantic | October 3, 2019

(I’ve had a large stuffed shark from a popular furniture store for a few years and it works great as a body pillow. My boyfriend and I sleep separately due to his snoring and me being a light sleeper. He often pulls the shark down from on top of the couch to wrap around while he sleeps. I’m trying to get him to go to bed one morning and I put the shark back on top of the couch, when he reaches over and says:)

Boyfriend: “Farewell, crotch shark.”

(I doubled over in laughter and he went to bed.)

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