Your Boobs Are Practically Volcanic Today

, , , , , | | Romantic | July 22, 2019

(My wife is nine months pregnant and is trying on new nursing bras in the bedroom. I’m sitting by the door, but in the living room.)

Wife: “Our bedroom smells like farts for some reason.”

Me: “Okaaaaay?”

Wife: “Wait, I think it’s just the plastic from my new bra.”

Me: “That… only raises more questions.”

(A few seconds later she comes out and basically pushes her chest in my face.)

Wife: “Random question: does my boob smell sulfury to you?”

I Don’t Drink Your Milkshake

, , , , , , | | Romantic | July 20, 2019

(Shortly after my girlfriend and I start dating, I start making us fruit smoothies as healthy treats, but my girlfriend never likes what I make her and usually only drinks a few ounces. She has various complaints, such as the smoothies being too sour, being able to taste the vegetable components, claiming to taste the ground seeds or nuts, or just not liking the texture. One visit, she rejects another smoothie recipe and drops this gem on me.)

Girlfriend: “I like my smoothies. My recipe is milk, vanilla ice cream, blueberries, a banana, and strawberries.”

Me: “Then I think your problem is that you don’t like smoothies.”

Girlfriend: “Yes, I do! I just like my smoothies!”

Me: “Those aren’t smoothies; you’re making milkshakes.”

Girlfriend: “They are smoothies!”

Me: “I don’t think you know what smoothies or milkshakes are.”

I Don’t Love You, Man

, , , , | | Romantic | July 17, 2019

(I meet this guy who is my customer at work. He seems normal, and we exchange numbers and agree to go on a date to the movies. We agree to meet at the theater to watch “I Love You, Man.” I get there first and I feel butterflies since I’ve never actually been on a date before, due to working a lot. I have a bad feeling, but I figure it is time to try it since I am already 25. The movie begins, and he doesn’t show. I call him and he picks up.)

Me: “Hey, where are you? The movie’s about to start!”

Guy: “Oh, yeah, sorry, but I can’t make it today.”

Me: *flabbergasted* “What?”

Guy: “Oh, yeah, I’m so sorry. I forgot that I don’t have a car.”

Me: “Um… How did you expect to get here, then? A taxi?”

Guy: “Yeah, I don’t have any money for that! I didn’t think that far ahead. I’m so dumb. Listen, do you think you can pick me up? I’m at the bus stop.”

(I decline and hang up. My intuition tells me to just ignore him, so I do and watch the movie by myself. After it’s done, he calls again.)

Guy: “Look, I’m so sorry again for not being able to come.”

Me: “Yeah, I had to watch the movie by myself, you know!”

Guy: “I said I’m so sorry. Can I call you later?”

(I agreed and hung up. Later, he came to my work and asked if he could have another date. I said no. Then, he started asking bizarre questions, like if I thought he was hot, and if I wanted to spend the weekend in a hotel on the beach with him. Keep in mind, we still didn’t have a date! I said no, and he asked if I had any hot friends to hook him up with. By now, all my coworkers were staring wide-eyed and he finally left… bursting into maniacal laughter as he went. I don’t think I’ll date again for a while.)

She’ll Get A Hold On You; Believe It 

, , , , | | Romantic | July 14, 2019

(I go to see Phil Collins’ “Still Not Dead Yet” show in mid-July and have a blast with my wife. Two days later, I’m in a restaurant kitchen unloading their delivery when “Easy Lover” comes on the radio.)

Me: “Oh, man, this was such a great song live, the way he performed with the background singer.”

(A female chef looks up with what I can only describe as a look of envy.)

Chef: “I wanted to go, too, but my boyfriend was going to buy the tickets, and he said they were sold out.”

Me: “Uh, my wife said there were a few thousand tickets still open.” 

(Goffertpark has a capacity of 50,000. I literally see the chef’s face going from envy and sadness to pure rage.)

Chef: “That motherf*****, not again!”

(She storms out of the kitchen.)

Head Chef: “Yeah, that’s the second time her boyfriend pulled that stunt when she really wanted to go and he didn’t.”

(I haven’t been back yet, so I don’t know if the boyfriend woke up with a chef’s blade in his gut or not.)

Artfully Setting Himself Up For Failure

, , , , , | | Romantic | July 12, 2019

(I work in an art supply shop. We sell canvas, paints, and the like. Because we are right next to a really prominent art college, we get lots of customers as we are cheaper than their on-campus shop. We have a lot of regulars and tend to know many by name. One regular, a good-looking man, never says a word to me except to ask the occasional question. He has come in every Sunday for almost a year.)

Me: “Did you find everything you needed? We’ve got a special on charcoal at the moment: two packs for £5.”

Regular: “No, that’s all right. I do have a question, though.”

Me: “Sure, go ahead.”

Regular: “Will you go out with me?”

Me: *awkward* “I’m so sorry. I’ve got a boyfriend.”

Regular: “OH, FOR F***’S SAKE!”

Me: “Excuse me?!”

Regular: “I’ve been coming to this stupid shop for almost a year, buying all this crap, and you can’t even go on a date with me?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I have a boyfriend. You have to pay for this stuff, and then you have to leave.”

Regular: “I spent so much money on you! I don’t even do ‘art’! I just wanted to be close to you!”

Me: “…”

Regular: “You owe me! I love you!”

(The man proceeded to jump on top of the expensive canvas he was buying, snapping it in half. He also threw the paints he was buying on the floor. One of them burst. His tantrum got louder until my manager finally escorted him out and told me to take my break. The man never came back.)