He’s Going To Have To Makeup For That

, , , , | Romantic | May 3, 2020

During the recent health crisis, here in Germany, social distancing rules are in force. It is not a total curfew, as things like going for walks are not only allowed but recommended, as long as you avoid contact with persons not living in your household.

One weekend, my wife and I are preparing to take our kid for a stroll.

Wife: “I hope you take me with you like this; I haven’t put any makeup on.” 

Me: “Well, that should make it easier to maintain social distance!”

Fortunately, I married a girl with a sense of humor!

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Oh, Jeez, I’m Like A Crackpot Magnet!

, , , , , | Romantic | May 1, 2020

Apparently, I have been engaged twice and didn’t even know it. One incident involves an ex-boyfriend. A coworker and I are play-arguing and my ex comes up, wraps an arm around me, and tells my coworker, “Hey! Be nice to my fiancé!” The coworker sees my eyes bug out. After my shift:

Me: “Um, [Ex], you do know that we’re not engaged, right?”

Ex: “Yeah, well, you know, you never know.”

Me: “Um, no. No, I know that we’re not engaged. I don’t love you.”

Ex: “Wow, that’s kind of harsh!”

Me: “That’s why we started dating last week! To see if it would change into love!”

The other time is shortly after my ex and I break up. A regular customer comes through my line.

Me: “Wow, you must like this store! You’re in here almost every other day!”

Customer: “Yeah, well… You know.” *Grins* “Your last name is [Last Name].”

Me: “Um… yeah.”

Customer: “You went to [High School].”

Me: “Uh-huh…”

Customer: “You graduated in 2006.”

Me: “You’re a stalker.”

Customer: “No! We went to high school together!”

I looked it up afterward and saw that yes, we went to school together. He asked me out and for my phone number, and I decided I would put first impressions aside.

However, within ten minutes of texting, he told me we were going to have lilies as our wedding flower and started making wedding plans. I, of course, freaked out and told him I wasn’t ready to date anyone yet. He ended with, “But you’re the one!”

Why do I always get the crazy ones?!

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Some People Just Aren’t Compatible

, , , , , | Romantic | April 30, 2020

I am thirty and I just decided to start going to college. Everyone else is between seventeen and nineteen. I come into class, go to my table, and start taking my stuff out of my bag. There are two guys sitting there talking.

Guy #1: “I don’t care what size she is as long as she likes [Popular Space Series]. Oh! And I’m not really into white chicks.”

Guy #2: “Yeah, I don’t like white girls, either.”

Then, they look at me and realize I’m there and happen to be white.

Guy #2: “No offense.”

Me: “Huh? Oh, it’s fine. I don’t like dating little kids.”

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Having A Girlfriend Should Be All The Boost You Need

, , , , , | Romantic | April 28, 2020

I go on a date with my boyfriend to the movies. When he comes to pick me up… there is another girl in the car. When he tells me her name I know it is the girl he has told me about who has a crush on him. I don’t say anything on our way to the movies.

He goes up to get snacks and the girl and I are left alone.

Girl: “He didn’t tell me he had a girlfriend.”

Me: “He didn’t tell me he was bringing anyone else. He did the same thing last time but brought his brother along.”

Girl: “Why would he do this?!”

Me: “He thinks we’ll fight over him and get an ego boost.”

Girl: “Ugh!”

Me: “Yeah. He’s not worth it.”

He comes back and we take our drinks and I look at him.

Me: “She and I are sitting in the top corner to enjoy the movie. You can sit someplace else. Far away.”

He kept asking what he did as we walk in and take our seats, both of us girls agreeing that he was so not worth it. I officially broke up with him that night.

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His Powers Of Deduction Don’t Suck

, , , , , | Romantic | April 27, 2020

I’m on my way out the door when my husband comes upstairs from his home office. I let him know I’m heading to the store to buy “something for the family.” It’s something I’ve researched for a couple of weeks but we’ve never actually discussed it. 

Husband: “Ooh, is it an automatic vacuum cleaner?!”

Me: “Out of everything I could buy, that’s your guess?!”

Husband: “Yep.” 

Me: *Pause* “Yes… it actually is.” 

How in the world he guessed it, I have no idea. In eight years together, I don’t think we’ve ever talked about it. It’s just something I decided on my own that would be nice to have. If only he could the guess lottery numbers that easily!

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