Relationships, romance, and break-ups!

I Think I Read A Fanfiction Like This Once

, , , , | Romantic | March 8, 2021

I’m an out-and-proud lesbian. I left the closet at age six and never looked back.

My best friend and I have been BFFs since we were toddlers, and my parents basically raised him and me as siblings — to the point that I call him “Bro” and he calls me “Sis.” I always introduce him as my big brother and he tells his friends I’m his little sister. It helps that he has a passing resemblance to my mom and me.

Singapore has this really dumb law that property can only be owned by people above thirty-five unless they are married. My best friend desperately wants to leave his toxic family and never return, so he needs to get hitched as soon as possible.

[Best Friend] found himself a girlfriend in similar straits, and they agreed to marry after he finished his mandatory military service and saved up enough to afford a flat. My mom also agreed to give him a loan and conveniently forgot to mention any interest or fixed repayment date.

Alas, his girlfriend found herself a better deal with someone else and summarily dumped him about a third of the way through his service, leaving him with a broken heart and even more desperate than before.

He had a backup plan, of course, but it was fairly unpalatable, as it involved renting an apartment with three other guys, and the only people he could find to agree with that were either horrendously immature or slobs.

My BFF is lamenting this conundrum while having dinner at my place, when I decide to “propose” to him right then and there, with the idea that we’ll divorce after he gets a flat. It takes a bit of convincing, but beggars can’t be choosers. My parents have to sweeten the deal by promising a really generous dowry, but he eventually says yes.

We begin preparing to get married. We tell all our friends about it, which is where things get silly.

EVERY SINGLE ONE of them reacts with shock and disgust. “Oh, my God, but he/she is your brother/sister! Isn’t that incest?!” Even some younger members of my family react that way.

It turns out we’ve thought of each other as siblings for so long that we’ve never told any of our friends that we aren’t actually blood-related. And my younger family members — including my actual younger brother — genuinely never realised he wasn’t actually my brother as, since as far back as they could remember, we always told them [Best Friend] was my brother.

After a whole motherload of explanations, the two of us are sitting on my bed and looking dumbstruck at each other.

Me: “I never realised just how many people we told that we were siblings.”

Best Friend: “Yeah, that was awkward. In all fairness, Sis, you’re literally one of the last people I saw myself marrying, so we never saw that as an issue.”

Me: “Huh. For me, you were literally the only guy I even remotely considered marrying. But I see your point, Bro. Never thought we actually would get hitched. You being my sperm donor was obvious, but actually marrying? Nope.”

Best Friend: “I know. It’s one thing to help you have kids. But to actually marry you?”

He shakes his head and lets out a long sigh.

Best Friend:  “Anyway, thanks again, Sis. I owe you big time.”

Me: “Eh, what are best-friends-slash-siblings for? Don’t mention it.”

We hug.

Best Friend:  “Love you, Sis.”

Me: “Love you, too, Bro.”

We stay like that for a while before we let go.

Best Friend: “But after we get married, we absolutely have to introduce ourselves as best friends or a couple. Calling ourselves siblings just causes way too much drama.”

Me: “Crap. That’s not gonna be easy. I’m so used to calling you my brother.”

Best Friend: “It’s not easy for me, either. I literally cannot see you as anything other than my little sister.”

Me: “Same. God, this is so awkward.”

Best Friend: “No kidding. Ah, well, just have to knuckle down and do it.”

I groan.

Despite everything, we get married a year later. We have a beautiful ceremony, swear our vows, and kiss. And every single person that attends says that it feels weird.

Me: “I always wanted to be a bride. I’m one now, but this doesn’t feel real.”

Best Friend: “If someone had told me that I’d be marrying you, I’d have laughed in their faces. I can’t believe we actually are doing it.”

Dad: “I seriously can’t see [Best Friend] as anything other than your brother.”

Mom: “It feels like two of my kids got married at the same time.”

Aunt: “This is so weird. The two of you look like cosplaying siblings.”

Cousin: “Someone please get me some brain bleach. The two of you kissing just looks beyond wrong to me.”

Uncle: “I cannot take this seriously. The two of you look nothing like a couple.”

Homophobic Grandma: “I’m happy you married a man, as is only proper, but even this feels wrong to me.”

Younger Brother: “I feel so much like Tyrion Lannister right now.”

Me: “Noted. I’ll name our son Joffrey, then.”

[Younger Brother] gives me the most horrified look.

Younger Brother: “I was joking!”

Lannister jokes aside, our marriage was perfect. It’s been a couple of years now, and my best friend now has his own flat and is far away from his toxic family. Meanwhile, the ex that dumped him underwent a really messy divorce and lost the flat, stranding her back at square one with nothing to show for it.

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You Must Be New Here

, , , , | Romantic | March 6, 2021

Husband: “What is your email address?”

Me: “First initial, last name, and the month and day of my birthday.”

Husband: “How do you spell that?”

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Love Is Blind To Only So Much

, , , , , | Romantic | March 4, 2021

My friend sets me up on a blind date with a friend of hers. She describes her as a good match for me so I agree to go.

On the date, the girl is distant. When she actually speaks, she is very disagreeable, announcing her opinion rather than making a discussion. We end the date with general pleasantries, and I pay and leave with no mention of going any further.

I don’t see my friend for a few days, but when I do, the first thing she wants to know is:

Friend: “How did it go?”

Me: “She seemed nice, but no spark.”

Friend: “Really? She was saying that she had an amazing time and hopes to see you again.”

Me: “She spent our whole date on her phone and wouldn’t make any conversation, at all.”

Friend: “She can be shy at times, but she really seemed to like you. She has struggled to find a guy she gets on with. Give her another chance.”

Me: “Yeah, I’m not sure.”

Friend: “Come on! She has even picked out a restaurant. I might have mentioned that you have been wanting to go to [Steakhouse] for ages.”

Me: “Well, that is true.”

Friend: “Great! I will tell her you’re free.”

I’m not sure if I agree because I want to go, because I want steak, or because my friend pushes me into it. But a week or so later, I meet the girl again at the steakhouse.

Again, she spends pretty much the whole date on her phone or eating in silence. I make conversation where I can and ask about her hobbies, holidays, and ambitions, but I get one- or two-word replies, and she doesn’t ask anything of me.

She only seems to smile when she drinks her champagne. 

Fed up, I eat my meal and go to the bar to order drinks.

Me: “Can I pay for my meal here?”

Bartender: “Sure, that one over there?”

Me: “Yeah, but can I just pay for my half?”

Bartender: “Bad date?”

Me: “You have no idea. I will let her know.”

Bartender: “Probably best if you let us handle it. She has been in here before. She often throws her drink at the guy; sometimes it’s still in the glass. Back door is that way.”

I thanked him and disappeared. My friend swore she didn’t know when she set me up. But I still haven’t been on a blind date since.


This story is part of our Best Of March 2021 roundup!

Read the next Best Of March 2021 roundup story!

Read the Best Of March 2021 roundup!

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Things Are About To Get Heated

, , , , , | Romantic | March 4, 2021

My boyfriend has recently gotten a new stove in his home, finally replacing the previous model from the 1980s. He has read the instruction booklet and is absolutely thrilled to discover that it has an air fryer function. He’s excitedly showing me the new stove and talking about it.

Me: *Teasing* “Maybe one day you’ll look at me the way you look at the new stove.”

Boyfriend: “Well, maybe one day you’ll come with an air fryer function.”

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Just Wait For All This To Blow Over

, , , , | Romantic | March 2, 2021

Me: “If I was bitten by a zombie, what would you do?”

Husband: “Shhhhh… Wait? What kind of zombie? Shaun Of The Dead, World War Z or Night Of The Living Dead zombie?”

Me: “Why?”

Husband: “Because World War Z zombies are fast, Shaun Of The Dead zombies can be trained, and Night Of The Living Dead zombies are slow.”

Me: “Um, Shaun Of The Dead.”

Husband: “I’d probably do what he did with Nick Frost at the end: train you to play video games with me. If you had picked one of the other two I would shoot you. Repeatedly. In the face.”

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