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Relationships, romance, and break-ups!

Time To Make A Clean Getaway

, , , , | Romantic | September 17, 2021

My husband is very anal about cleaning; I am not. With an eighteen-month-old especially, it’s very difficult to keep up with the cleaning. My husband has worked from home for years and I stay to take care of the baby during the day. Typically, he comes downstairs after work, watches the baby while I make dinner, and then cleans the kitchen while I get the baby ready for bed. It’s a schedule that works for us.

But today, he had a very late meeting during dinner, so I fed the baby and got her ready myself. For once, I actually was able to take the time to quickly clean her tray table which, apparently, was to my husband’s satisfaction. Unfortunately, he assumed this was beyond my capabilities.

Husband: “Are you sure you fed her dinner?”

Me: *Pauses* “No, I dreamed it.”

Husband: “Well, her tray is clean.”

Me: “Because I cleaned it. Did you think I’d lie about feeding my own child?”

Husband: “Okay, maybe I said the wrong thing.”

Me: “Oh, there is no ‘maybe’. You definitely said the wrong thing.”

Let’s just say that my husband suffered from foot-in-mouth disease and stepped in it big time. I set him straight.

For the record, my child is always given three square healthy meals a day and snacks. My husband knows I would never just not feed her; he was just being an idiot.

It’s A Little Early In Their Lives For That Lesson

, , , , , , , | Romantic | September 11, 2021

I’m an elementary school teacher. During the quarantine, I was moved to teaching online from my home and struggled to keep coming up with engaging lessons for my remote learners.

One day, I decided to incorporate our two cats into my lesson for humorous effect. The cats were not cooperative, of course, but after numerous takes, I finally managed to film the lesson to my satisfaction. I showed the video to my wife.

Me: “Well, it took forever and my legs are scratched to h***, but I really think my kids will get a kick out of this.”

Wife: “You realize your big poster for [Marijuana-Themed Movie] is in the background of every shot?”

Me: …”

Me: “Okay, [Cat #1] and [Cat #2], time for a reshoot!”

Money Management Can Make Or Break A Relationship

, , , , , | Romantic | September 4, 2021

My girlfriend comes home to find me setting up a pair of surround sound speakers.

Girlfriend: “Are these new?”

Me: “Yeah, they are the ones I told you I was getting.”

Girlfriend: “They look expensive.”

Me: “They were a bit, but I’ve been putting money away.”

Girlfriend: “Well, if you have all this money, you can treat me.”

Me: “Wait, no. I saved up while you spent your money on yourself. I suggested you start a savings account, but you didn’t want to.”

Girlfriend: “You have savings and you are going to just spend it on yourself?”

Me: “Yes.”

Girlfriend: “Well, maybe I will do the same!”

Me: “You do already. You spend every paycheck on clothes and shoes. I told you that you should have at least some savings. What happens if your car breaks down?”

Girlfriend: “I’ll just use yours.”

Me: *Pauses* “I’m not sure you’re getting this whole equal relationship thing.”

I guess that was the beginning of the end. We never moved past the “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is also mine” thing. It didn’t last long.

You Gotta Learn To Prioritize

, , , | Romantic | September 1, 2021

My husband, our dog, and I are nearing the end of a train journey. We get up to disembark.

Me: “Have we got everything?”

Husband: “Hat. Luggage. Dog. Wife. Yep!”

I raise my eyebrows.

Husband: “Um, not in that particular order, of course.”

Retroactively Robbing The Cradle

, , , , , | Romantic | August 29, 2021

My fiancé is extremely smart; however, sometimes he forgets the age gap between us, and even though it’s only five years, it’s humorous to me.

We are laying in bed looking at a certain photo app, and the trend of a video showing when you and your significant other met and where you are now is playing.

Fiancé: “I wish I would have known you in high school. I would have made all my friends jealous.”

I turn and stare at him.

Fiancé: “What? I would have!”

Me: “Hun, when you were eighteen in high school, I was thirteen!”

Fiancé: “OH! OH, NO! No, I didn’t mean that! Not like that! I forgot!”

I just about died of laughter.