Cemented Thy Grisly Fate

, , , , , | Romantic | August 18, 2018

(My husband has been working all evening taking out a fence. When it gets dark, he has me come shine a flashlight so he can work on the last post. It turns out that the last post was cemented in with at least twice as much cement as any of the others. It refuses to be pulled out, and my husband and I go in and go to bed. The next morning I wake up to the following text:)

Text: “I have slain the mighty fence post. It lieth dead in milady’s yard.”

So I Married A T-Rex…

, , , , | Romantic | August 16, 2018

(I am reading a book at home.)

Book: “…up to 60 percent of specimens [of tyrannosaurs] display evidence of face biting in battle, hinting at how the [deadly] infection may have spread.”

Wife: *spontaneously starts biting my lip*

Me: *laughing* “So, let me tell you what I was just reading…”

Extraterrestrials Need Love, Too

, , , , | Romantic | August 14, 2018

(My best friend has a huge crush on me, and I have one on him, though neither of us realize it at this time. Although his English is very good, he’s not a native speaker, and there are some words he’s understandably never encountered before. We’re both fans of old video games, so we’re checking out some old ATARI games at my house. We’ve loaded up E.T., having never actually played it before. There are no instructions, but apparently one of the core mechanics is that E.T. can “fly” by lifting his head. I’m watching the game being played.)

Friend: *having difficulty getting E.T. out of a pit* “ARGH! He’s not necking anymore!”

(I lost it and had to explain to my very confused friend what “necking” was and why E.T. wasn’t doing it. Thankfully, it didn’t stop him from officially asking me out a few days later.)

Guys So Hot That You Just Got Burned

, , , , | Romantic | August 12, 2018

(My brother and his girlfriend are watching TV in the other room when a commercial for “The Bachelorette” comes on.)

Girlfriend: “Ooh!”

Brother: “You watch that? Why?”

Girlfriend: *sarcastically* “Uh, all the hot guys. Duh.”

Brother: *offended* “You’re never going to get with any of them.”

Girlfriend: “We’re never going to f*** like in your porn, but that doesn’t stop you from watching, either.”

To Have And To Like You

, , , , , , | Romantic | August 10, 2018

(I’m sitting in the kitchen with my parents. My dad just recently made a Facebook account.)

Dad: “Will you marry me?”

Mom: “What?”

Dad: “On Facebook! Will you marry me?”

Mom: “Twenty-five years of marriage, and it doesn’t count for anything unless we’re Facebook official?”

Dad: “Yes!”

Mom: “Well… I’ll have to think about it.”

(They never became “Facebook official.”)

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