Being Sour Grapes

, , , , , , | Romantic | March 2, 2018

(My wife and I are contemplating what to name our first child.)

Wife: “I’m not opposed to ‘Grace’ for a middle name.”

Me: “Neither am I. Better that than ‘Grapes.’”

Wife: “What? When was that on the table?”

Me: “Grapes are frequently on tables!”

(My wife says I’m not taking this process seriously. I don’t know what she’s talking about.)

The Number One Thing You Can Do With A Cat

, , , , , , | Romantic | March 1, 2018

(My boyfriend has stayed the night at my house. I leave for my morning class. I expect him to still be asleep when I get home, but he meets me at the door, looking frazzled.)

Boyfriend: “Babe, I’m so sorry!”

Me: “Uh… What?”

Boyfriend: “I accidentally peed on your cat.”

(Turns out, my “helper” cat heard water running in the bathroom and, investigating the splashing noise in the toilet, ended up in the line of fire. My boyfriend calmed down when I explained that [Cat] repeatedly jumped into the toilet as a kitten and that was why I always keep the lid down.)

Doesn’t Realise The Weight Of That Statement

, , , , | Romantic | February 28, 2018

(I have met someone on an online dating website. After enjoying chatting with each other for two weeks, we decide to meet up in person. The first date goes well, and we both agree that we would like to see each other again. On the second date, he brings me to a lookout, which turns out to be much colder and more windy than anticipated, so we end up sitting in his backseat, enjoying the spot. He is much more physically affectionate than I am, although this could be partially due to my never having been out with anyone before him. He begins to cuddle with me. Just as I am beginning to relax, he speaks:)

Date: “I don’t want to kill the mood, but… are you of a healthy weight?”

(He may not have wanted to, but he killed it.)

No Need To Get Crabby About It

, , , , | Romantic | February 27, 2018

(My husband and I are on vacation. We’ve come to a fishing village to spend a week fishing. We also intend to catch mud crabs, as my husband has never eaten real crab before.)

Husband: “I want to go on some photography expeditions. I think we can get some nice photos here.”

Me: “My goal is to catch crabs.”

Husband: “You really like crab, hey?”

Me: “I just really want to give you crabs.”

Husband: “You want to give me crabs?”

Me: *pause* “Wait! No! Not those type of crabs. I want you to taste crab.”

Slashing The Chances Of Dating An A**hole

, , , , , | Romantic | February 26, 2018

(I have a coworker who’s friendly and cute, and we’ve hung out a few times unofficially. One day, I stop by his place on his day off to pick something up. He pats me on the shoulder as he walks by. His daughter, who is laying on the couch at the time, sees him do this. Once he’s out of the room, she props herself up on one arm and peers at me.)

Daughter: “Are you Daddy’s new boyfriend?”

Me: *unable to tell if this is a trap or not* “We work together.”

Daughter: “That’s not a no.”

Me: *hesitantly* “Okay, um, I don’t know yet. I guess we’re still testing the waters. He’s nice enough, so I wouldn’t object if he were interested. Would you?”

Daughter: *suspiciously* “His last boyfriend was an a**hole. Are you an a**hole?”

Me: “I… I try not to be.”

Daughter: *narrows her eyes* “You break his heart, I’ll slash your tires.”

Me: *studying her carefully* “I believe you.”

Daughter: “Smart boy.”

(With that, she lay back down as her father came back in. I officially asked him out later that week. Two years later, my tires remain un-slashed.)

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