Women Are From Venus…

, , , , , | Romantic | April 9, 2019

(When I teach, I like to use interesting and practical examples whenever I can to keep the students engaged. We’re doing an essay on problem-solving, so I decide to show “The Martian” in class to study the character’s problem-solving skills. [Student #2] has been subtly flirting with [Student #1] all semester to no avail.)

Me: “All right, guys, make sure you’re taking notes about what problems you see and what the character does to solve them.”

Student #1: “I can’t wait! I loved the book so much!”

Student #2: *[trying to impress [Student #1]* “Uh, yeah! I did, too!”

Student #1: “Really? I didn’t think you liked to read.”

Student #2: *fake scoff* “I said I don’t like fiction, but this is based off of a true story.”

Me: “…”

(Needless to say, that romance went nowhere.)

Monthly Roundup: March 2019

| Friendly Healthy Hopeless Learning Legal Related Right Romantic Working | April 8, 2019

It’s time for the March roundup! Our editors have decided among themselves which stories in March deserve the extra attention, regardless of the number of thumbs-ups they received. Out of the 855 stories we posted in the month, we’ve singled out twelve.

If there are any stories from the last month you feel we should have included, please let us know in the comments!

Don’t forget to vote for your favorite stories in the poll below! Note: You can choose up to three*. The winner of the previous roundup poll was Taking Inventory: I’m Afraid I Can’t Let You Do That, Dave from the Legal category!

 

Retail Access Memory – Sadly these days, politeness does not compute.

I’ll Have A Black Hole Pizza With A Side Of Nothing – We must say this black hole has impeccable taste!

Thinking With Your Brain By Landing On Your Butt – Diffusing a situation level 99!

Can’t Finnish What She Started – Why hello! My name is Jaakko Heikkinen!

Doing A Disservice To Community Service – Failure to do the work is your problem to work on.

Can’t Help Falling Out Of Love With That Song – What’s worse than a bridezilla? Why the mother of the groom of course!

Customers Cooperating Over Carbon And Copies? Cool! – Proof that not every customer is a carbon-copy a**-hole.

Get Someone That Nose What They’re Doing – Cry me a bloody river!

The Contrarian Librarian: The Childhood Years – When bad behavior is normalized then good behavior truly stands out.

Booked Yourself Into An Impossible Situation – See what happens when screaming entitled adult-toddlers don’t get their own way.

Should Have Captured Her Reaction On Your Phone – These darn kids and their convenient technologies!

Speaking Your Private Parts – You know you’ve grown up when the reproductive system stops being funny and starts being terrifying.

 

Please choose your favorite story of the month!

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*Not Always Hopeless stories are not included in the poll. This is because often they are so lovely they win by default. 

We’ve decided to separate our favorite ‘Hopeless’ story of the month from the section above, since it’s not part of the poll:

Hail To The Bus DriverSadly all good things must come to an end.

It’s Always An Abandoned Warehouse

, , , , , | Romantic | April 8, 2019

(My spouse works delivering and picking up medical supplies from individuals, usually homes. I call him most days to tell him how my day is going and what the baby is up to and to talk to him about how his day is going.)

Spouse: “The GPS says it’s this dilapidated old building.”

Me: “That’s weird.”

Spouse: “It’s a taxidermist.”

Me: “Now you’re just making things up.”

Spouse: “No, it really is! Maybe they work here. I’m going to go knock.”

Me: “I’m never going to see you again. A gang of kids and a Great Dane are going to have to solve the mystery of your disappearance.”

Spouse: “I’ll be right back.”

(He calls me back a few minutes later.)

Me: “You survived?”

Spouse: “It was abandoned. There was a dead bird in the window.”

Me: “Oh, well, oka— Of course there was a dead bird in the window! It’s a taxidermist, not a pet shop!”

Spouse: “No, I mean a real dead bird!”

Me: *laughing*

“Nice Guys” Usually Aren’t

, , , , , , | Romantic | April 7, 2019

(Parking around the university is scarce and expensive, but there is a train that stops on campus that has free parking lots farther away. After a long day of classes, I head home. I have a really heavy backpack, so I’m relieved to see there is one seat left. As it takes a few minutes to get to my stop, I pull out a book to try and squeeze in a few more pages. Almost as soon as I sit down, the guy sitting in the window seat next to me is suddenly looking very squirrely, and turns in his seat towards me.)

Guy: “Um, uhh…”

Me: “Oh, is this your stop?” *preparing to stand up and let him out*

Guy: “NO! Don’t get up! Uh, I mean, you’re fine.”

Me: “Oh, all right, then.” *looks back down at my book*

Guy: “Um, hey, whatcha reading?”

Me: *after briefly explaining the synopsis* “If you like science fiction, it’s a really good one so far. I can’t put it down.”

(The guy just gives me a blank look and grunts, so I just smile and return to reading. I don’t even make it through another sentence before he pipes up again.)

Guy: “You’re really pretty.”

(I chuckle uncomfortably.)

Guy: “And you chose to sit next to me, out of all the other seats you could have taken… I can’t believe this is happening to me. I finally have a girlfriend!”

(Thankfully, just then, my stop is coming up, so I snatch up my backpack and quickly get up.)

Me: “Er, there actually weren’t any other seats… Anyway, have a nice day.”

(The guy, who up until now has been very soft-spoken, is suddenly so loud that it startles the other passengers.)

Guy: “Oh. OH. OH, so you’re just leaving, then?!”

Me: “Well, this is where I left my car, so… yeah.”

Guy: *overly sarcastic tone* “WHATEVER. I see how it is. You’re just like every other c*** looking for a free hand out, expecting guys to just give you seats because of your rack.”

Me: “Yeah, I’m pretty sure that seat belongs to the city. And I bought a ticket.”

(The guy opened his mouth to say something else, but the doors opened and I got out. As I walked towards the car park he stared at me out the window, glaring daggers and mouthing words, oblivious to the other passengers all turning in their seats at this spectacle. I was pretty nervous about running into him on the train again since I caught the same one every day, but luckily I never did. He probably thinks he’s a nice guy, not the reason why those red panic buttons are installed.)

Date And Dash

, , , | Romantic | April 4, 2019

(My boyfriend and I frequent a 24-hour, diner-style restaurant. Since we usually go late at night, we get to know one of the waitresses. One day, my boyfriend seems to just be jumping with energy. As we’re going to the register to pay, he suddenly runs out the door to the car. The waitress stares at the door for a minute.)

Waitress: “Is he all right?”

Me: “Yeah. He thinks he’s being funny by pretending to dine and dash.”

Waitress: *after a pause* “All right.”

Me: “Yeah. At least we have a joint account.”

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