Putting Those Texts Into Context

, , , | Romantic | October 2, 2017

(My partner’s brother got married about two months ago.)

Partner: “His texts all have an undertone of happy to them! He’s clearly still in the newlywed phase!”

Me: *because I’m a terrible person* “Would you say they have an… afterglow?”

Partner: “Ew! No! My brother is a priest! He has a Master’s degree in the New Testament!”

Me: “That doesn’t make him a priest, you know. He needed that for the private school he works at.”

Partner: “Lalalala, not listening! My brother is a priest and no one can convince me otherwise!”

A Man’s Duty Is Not About Booty

, , , , , | Romantic | October 1, 2017

(I’m 17 and my friend has suckered me into working at my first job selling alarm systems door-to-door. They drop us off at random locations that we’re expected to canvas all day. I’m taking my lunch break, sitting outside a gas station on top of a small hill. A shirtless man passes by on the bottom of the hill, obviously going into the other entrance. He emerges with an energy drink and walks until he gets to the corner, then walks back. I don’t think anything of it and keep eating. Suddenly, he’s in front of me.)

Guy: “Hey!”

Me: “Hi.”

Guy: “I’ve seen you walking around, and I wouldn’t be doing my duty as a man if I didn’t tell you that you have the most beautiful a** I’ve ever seen.”

Me: *embarrassed and freaked out* “Thank you.”

Guy: “Just thought I’d let you know.” *starts walking away, then turns back to me* “My name is [Name].”

Me: “I’m [My Name].”

Guy: “You got a boyfriend?”

Me: “No.”

Guy: “What’s your number?”

Me: *trying to dissuade him with the obvious age difference* “How old are you?”

Guy: *puffs out chest* “How old do you think I am?”

Me: *lying* “About 25-26?” *still old enough the age difference should matter*

Guy: “Well, how old are you?”

Me: “I’m 17.”

Guy: *obviously shaken* “I’m actually 37… so, that’s a little old for you, right?”

Me: “Yeah, kind of.”

Guy: “Well, I guess I’ll be seeing you. Just remember, you have a beautiful a**. I was just doing my duty as a man.”

(He never talked to me face to face after that, but for the next two weeks I was stationed there, and whenever he saw me walking, he’d call out, “BEAUTY WITH A BOOTY!”)

Cross That Bridge When You Come To It

, , , , | Romantic | September 30, 2017

(My boyfriend and I are going on a walk across a bridge over the river. We’ve only been together a couple of months, so it isn’t super serious yet.)

Me: *as we walk up the ramp* “I heard of a guy who proposed to his girlfriend here.”

Boyfriend: “I’ll bet that happens a lot.”

Me: “I could make a joke here, but I won’t.”

Boyfriend: “Well, I’m not going to do it NOW!”

A Marriage That Hookers You In

, , , , | Romantic | September 29, 2017

(My husband and I work near each other and carpool to work. He is dropping me off at my office.)

Me: “I really don’t feel like doing [work task] today.”

Husband: *in a suggestive tone* “Well, I can think of an alternative to doing [work task].”

Me: “Yeah, but I don’t get paid for that.”

Keeping Things Clean In This Relationship

, , , | Romantic | September 28, 2017

(My partner has severe OCD. Thanks to a particularly disgusting scene in a certain movie about a hotel for dogs, they get sick if human hair wraps around their hands, feet, or face. It’s worse if they find hair in their food. Normally, I have to clean the shower drain before they can use it. On this day, I’m feeling really sick. I lie down and pass out for a while. When I come to, I hear the shower running.)

Me: *thinking* “That’s weird. I guess it was clean enough?”

(I walk over to the bathroom and start laughing. My partner has their head over the edge of the tub, and is trying to scrub as best they can.)

Partner: “Oh! Hi! I didn’t want to wake you, but I had to shower.”

Me: “Aww, thanks for letting me sleep.”

Partner: “Of course! You need your rest when you’re sick.”

Me: “I love you.”

Page 5/1,389First...34567...Last
« Previous
Next »