It’s Time To (Road)Kill This Relationship

, , , | Romantic | July 23, 2017

(My ex is not known to be the sharpest tool in the shed. He once hit an elk because he thought it was a good idea to drive 75 mph to get away from the herd faster. This one evening, I finally figure out how he manages to hit so many animals:)

Me: *seeing a deer standing in the road ahead and realizing ex is not slowing down* “[Ex], there’s a deer in the road.”

Ex: “I’m going the speed limit!”

Me: “But the deer isn’t!”

Ex: “Well, what do you expect me to do? Stop?”

Me: “Yes, stopping would be preferable to hitting a deer!”

Ex: *stopping the car and pouting* “It’s illegal to stop in the road.”

Me: *mental facepalm* “I think it’s allowed when avoiding a collision with a large animal.”

(How I stuck with him for five years, I’ll never know.)

Pokémon Go-ing To The Bank

, , , , , | Romantic | July 22, 2017

(I’m an avid Pokémon fan while my boyfriend is not. Over the past couple years, however, I’ve exposed him to a lot of Pokémon information and we even purchased a Pikachu piggybank to save up money for our future while we’re still unmarried.)

Boyfriend: “I’m hoping we can save up a couple thousand dollars by the time we’re married.”

Me: “I’m sure we can, but in that piggybank? Unless we only fill it with hundreds, it’ll never fit…” *sly grin* “Unless… we get a second Pokémon piggybank?”

Boyfriend: “Fine… but only once we’ve saved $500!”

Me: “We could get the Eevee one!”

Boyfriend: “Or the Charmander. But then we’d want Bulbasaur and Squirtle, too, so we’d have all the starters…”

Me: “What’s wrong with that? Each one would be a $500 checkpoint, so we’d know how much we’ve saved. Also, can I point out that I love that you remembered all the Kanto starters?”

Boyfriend: “You’re right! Before you I had no Pokémon knowledge, and now I actually remember things! What are you doing to me?! Pokémon, stop!”

Me: “No, dear, it’s Pokémon GO. But you were close! Keep trying; you’ll get it!”

(He groaned loudly as I couldn’t help but laugh at him.)

Going To Deck Him In A Minute

, , , , | Romantic | July 21, 2017

(My husband dislikes yard work and doing anything remotely to do with maintenance on our home, even though it’s what he does for work. It’s been 15 years and he’s finally going decided to do something about a deck outside our back door. He takes me to our local hardware to show me the “eco” decking he has chosen so I can choose the colour I like. I’ve learned not argue because he always makes a stand for what he wants or he doesn’t go ahead with it. I just calmly point out facts, but the decision has to sound like it’s come from him or he won’t do it.)

Husband: “So, this is what I’m going to do it with. It’s made from recycled plastic and stuff but it looks like wood. What colour do you prefer?”

(It has fake wood grain texture but the colour is uniform like it’s been painted. I don’t like painted decks.)

Me: “I don’t really like the colours. Are you going to paint the wood grain on it?”

Husband: “What do you mean?”

Me: “The colour is so flat and un-interesting. If it’s supposed to look like wood, it needs to have wood grain colouring through it. I’d really like that decking over there; the colours are perfect.”

Husband: “But that’s wood and will need yearly sealing to keep it maintained. Are you going to do that?”

Me: “That’s not that hard to do. The high pressure cleaning thingy you have can be used on the eco boards, right?”

Husband: “Of course.”

Me: “So seeing as I don’t know how to use it, I guess you’ll be out cleaning all of the dirt out of the graining on those boards monthly, then?”

Husband: “Ooh, hey, look! The wood one is half the price. I think we’ll go with that.”

That’ll Teach You To Put A Sock In It

, , | Romantic | July 20, 2017

(My husband is getting ready for work. He takes a rolled up pair of socks and complains that I paired up two wrong socks, which appear to be completely alike except one is a bit longer than the other. I am lying in bed at the moment and we are bantering, me claiming that it’s just one shrinking and the other not, and he busting me for being bad at pairing socks. Then an idea pops into my head. I lift up my shirt and smile. My husband starts walking towards me with a smile, too, and reaches for my boobs.)

Me: “So, you like that?”

Husband: *smiling* “Of course.”

Me: “Despite the fact that one is a bit bigger than the other? So I guess the socks are just fine, then.”

Puns That Make You Weak

, , , , , | Romantic | July 19, 2017

(My husband and I are at my parents’ for dinner tonight and came early to help set up. Mom had eye surgery last week so we’re not letting her do anything so she recovers well. She’s one of those people who always likes to have something to keep her busy so she keeps trying to pitch in anyway.)

Dad: “[My Name], if you could set the table. [Husband], we’re using disposables so we won’t have to worry about dishes — they’re in the cabinet. [Mom], sit down and relax and stop trying to help!”

Mom: “But I need to do things! Or all my muscles will turn into Jello!”

Dad: “That’s okay! Then you’ll be what they call… Atrophy wife.”

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