50/50 Chance Of Keeping Quiet

, , , , , | Romantic | April 24, 2018

(I am a math teacher, and my husband is a bookkeeper working on an accounting degree, so we both do a lot of math. We attend a conservative church where women are expected to stay quiet. The sermon is about prophecies.)

Preacher: “The prophets weren’t like people today who make guesses about what might happen. For example, a weatherman might say it’s going to rain tomorrow. Well, he has a 50% chance of being right. It’s either going to rain, or it’s not.”

(I bite my tongue. My husband holds my hand.)

Preacher: “…and they might say the rain will start at three. And they’d have a 50% chance of being right, because the rain might start then, or it might not.”

(I hold my husband’s hand tight enough to leave fingernail marks, and start rocking in place. After the sermon, on the way home…)

Husband: “I can’t believe you managed to not say anything. Go ahead. Release the rant.”

Me: “That’s not how math works! Just because there’s two possibilities, it doesn’t make them equally likely!”

(I continued my rant all the way home. Now it’s a joke between us. If one of us asks what the chances are of anything, the other always answers “50%.”)

Kiss Goodbye Your First Kiss

, , , , , , | Romantic | April 23, 2018

(I am six. My sister is nine and bossy. My mother works for her friend, who has two boys our age. We play together in their huge backyard.)

Sister: “Let’s play ‘Grownups’!”

Me: “How do you play it?”

Sister: “We pair up and have a double wedding.”

(We have a pretend wedding with the boys. Then, I notice my sister smiling at me funny.)

Me: “What?”

Sister: “You have to kiss him.”

Me: “No way! Ew!”

Sister: “You have to; he’s your husband!”

Me: “You and [Other Boy] didn’t!”

Sister: “We did; you weren’t looking.”

Me: “Yuck.”

(Somehow she was able to convince me to kiss my friend. It was just a peck, but it felt weird and nasty. I couldn’t understand why adults did it. She laughed and laughed. Much later, I realized that she had lied, and I still haven’t forgiven her for tricking me into using up my first kiss!)

Being Clean And Dirty At The Same Time

, , , , , , | Romantic | April 22, 2018

(My husband and I are taking advantage of the kids being asleep to get intimate. Having not folded laundry in a week, we’ve accumulated a pile of it, which we have pushed off the bed first. We’ve just gotten naked and are now on the bed. I am face-down.)

Me: *coquettishly* “Now what are you going to do to me?”

Husband: *whisper-laughing* “Make you fold the laundry.”

Me: *laughing* “And they say romance is dead!”

When I’m With You, It’s Electric

, , , , , | Romantic | April 19, 2018

(My boyfriend and I are sitting on the couch when my cat jumps up and lies down between us. I start petting him, when my boyfriend gets my attention.)

Boyfriend: “Ow!”

Me: “Huh?”

Boyfriend: “He lay down on my hand and when you were petting him, the static built up and discharged through me.”

Me: *starts petting the cat again*

Boyfriend: “Ow. Ow. Ow. It’s going through my pinky, of all fingers!”

No Need To Be Mooby About It

, , , , | Romantic | April 16, 2018

(I’m in a bar during my first week of university and have sat down by the dance floor to rest for a minute. A student I vaguely recognise from my halls comes and sits next to me. I am female.)

Guy: “Hey, how about I buy you a drink, and then we can get out of here?”

Me: “Ah, I’m really sorry. I’m a lesbian.”

(This is true.)

Guy: *thinks for a minute* “I have moobs?”

(I immediately twigged that he wasn’t serious, and he’s been one of my best friends for the last seven years. I was even his best woman when he got married.)

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