The Top Rated Posts Of 2018!

| Friendly Healthy Hopeless Learning Legal Related Right Romantic Working | January 7, 2019

Dear readers,

It’s time to reveal the twenty highest-rated stories from 2018!

 

20 – Playing Unfair With The Fairer Sex
19 – That Is “Pretty” Awesome, Part 2
18 – Bagged Far More Than He Bargained For
17 – The Cake Price Is A Lie
16 – The Bosses Need To Clean Up Their Act
15 – Brunch Time Crunch Time
14 – There’s No Business Like None Of Your Business
13 – Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 11
12 – Dusting Off The Scum
11 – Fart Jokes Exist In A Vacuum
10 – Goodbye Fighting, Hello Kitty
9 – Mouse Versus Evil
8 – Must Be Friends With Aaron Schlossberg
7 – Man, What A Wait!
6 – This Prank Has A Drinking Problem
5 – The Best Comeback Since Sliced Bread
4 – Treat It Like A Boss
3 – Has The Authority To Tell You How It Is
2 – A Reversal Of Fortune
1 – The Adventures Of Captain Camp And Mother Russia

 

Do you have a favorite story from 2018 that didn’t make the top twenty? Don’t worry; you can still push to give it an honorable mention by telling us your best story here.

Love Needs Its Beauty Sleep

, , , , , | Romantic | January 7, 2019

(It’s very late at night, and I am sound asleep when my phone rings.)

Me: *groggily* “H’lo?”

Voice: “[Not My Name]? [Not My Name], it’s Bob.”

Me: “Bob?”

Voice: “Yes. I need to know how you feel about me.”

Me: “What?”

Voice: “Look. I’ve been in love with you for years, and I need to know if you feel the same way.”

Me: “Who is this?”

Voice: *impatiently* “It’s Bob; you know me!”

Me: “It’s 2:30 in the morning. I don’t know who you are, and if you were in love with me, then you’d know better than to call me at this hour.”

Voice: “Look! I just—“

Me: “If you want to talk to me about this, find me and talk to me about it in broad daylight. I don’t love anybody right now. I’m tired. Goodbye.”

(I hung up and went back to sleep. I never got another phone call from the mysterious Bob, and no one ever confessed their hitherto unknown love for me. Seriously, though, there is no confession of love that can’t wait until at least sunrise.)

Just Axing For Trouble

, , , , , | Romantic | January 6, 2019

This happens when I am a single 24-year-old. I am walking home through my local park around nine pm — so wickedly late! — when a girl comes up to me. She’s young, maybe 16 or so, and she tells me she’s been sent over by her friend sitting at the picnic tables to ask me for my number. Apparently, her male friend is too shy to ask me himself.

While this might be considered cute to some, I have literally never seen this boy in my life before. I find it stupid and creepy. But then, I have an idea. While I have no interest in the boy, I am curious about his tactics. I let the girl take my number, and she gives me hers as well as his, so I have some back up that he’s “not a creep or anything.”

About an hour later the young man texts me. Nothing spectacular, but with traditional w1ck3d l33t txt sp33k, with no sense of grammar or spelling, asking me about maybe a date. I text back with proper spelling, capitalization, and grammar — as a hint — to suggest that I don’t know him at all, and point out that asking some stranger for their number in the middle of the night is not the smartest thing to do.

Two more rounds of text ensue; he seems puzzled by my lack of interest. Finally, I drop my kicker.

“You don’t know me at all. I’m just some stranger from the park. For all you know, I could be a psychotic ax-murderer.”

Strangely, he never texted me again after that.

I always wonder if he got the hint about harassing strange women, or if he went around freaked out that he might have just gotten himself put onto a hit list.

Assisted Living And Leaving

, , , , | Romantic | January 5, 2019

(I work in an assisted living facility. A resident has just come back from an appointment. He’s signing in and we’re talking.)

Resident: “My wife didn’t leave, did she?”

Me: “No, she’s still here!”

Resident: “D***!”

(He said it with such sincerity and upset that I cried laughing.)

An Affair To Dismember

, , , , | Romantic | January 4, 2019

(Things my soon-to-be-ex told me, in reference to his five-plus-year affair, and my sarcastic responses…)

Scumbag: “No, I wasn’t planning to divorce you so I could marry her. Of course not! I was doing it for you, in case you might want to marry again.”

Me: “Wow! With that level of selfless concern for others, the only reason you haven’t been canonized is that you’re not Catholic.”

Scumbag: “She was really more of a friend than anything else. We were just best friends at work.”

Me: “Oh, I see. So, I guess you also f*** Joe, your non-work best friend?”

Scumbag: “I preferred her because we never had conflict. She was more accepting.”

Me: “Imagine that. One boozy, lying cheater is more accepting of another boozy, lying cheater’s boozing, lying, cheating ways? Who’d’ve thunk it? You mean to tell me there’s no conflict in a relationship when you do everything a woman asks of you and constantly kiss her a**? You think maybe you should have tried that with me instead of being a selfish asshole for our entire marriage? Hmm?”

Scumbag: “I know I cheated but I can’t imagine my life without you in it.”

Me: “Oh, you wanted to divorce me to be with her but still have me in your life. So, you figured we’d do what, have threeways?”

Scumbag: “I do still love you, in my way.”

Me: “Aw, so sweet. It’s just a shame your way totally sucks, isn’t it?”

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