Engaged To The House

, , , , | Romantic | February 1, 2020

(I am roughly nine years old when this happens. I have stolen several of my mother’s rings and am running around and proposing to any girl I see. My mother is very annoyed at that and begins scolding me. After ten minutes of scolding, she gives this lecture as a means of getting me to stop stealing her jewellery.)

Mom: “Besides, in Singapore, guys don’t use rings when they ask girls to marry them. They ask if they want to get a [slang for government flat] together.”

(There is apparently a law in Singapore that states that if someone wants to buy property, they must be over 35 or married.)

Me: “But that’s not how [Cousin] proposed to [Cousin’s Wife]! He knelt and had a ring.”

Mom: “[Cousin] has watched too many Hollywood movies and is not a good example. He is an outlier. That wasn’t normal.”

Me: “I don’t believe you!”

Mom: “Ask your sister how she got engaged then.”

(So, that’s what I do, immediately running out of the room and going to my big sister and her fiancé in the dining room.)

Me: “[Sister] how did [Fiancé] propose to you?”

Sister: “He didn’t.”

Fiancé: “Your big sister was the one that proposed.”

Me: *befuddled* “Huh, but don’t guys… Never mind. How did you do it?”

Sister: “I asked if [Fiancé] wanted to get a [slang for government flat] together with me.”

Fiancé: “I said yes.”

Mom: *triumphantly* “I told you so!”

Me: *speechless*

(That was, apparently, indeed how my big sister proposed to her childhood sweetheart. She asked if he wanted to get a flat with her and when he pointed out that they couldn’t buy property, she wordlessly slipped a marriage registration form across the table. It took me quite a while to realise that my mother was conning me. My big sister was an outlier and not the norm. Regardless, I stopped stealing my mom’s rings and getting down onto one knee. Instead of “Will you marry me?”, I began asking the much less volatile “Shall we get a house together?” instead.)

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Go Out Like A Jedi, Not A Muppet!

, , , , , | Related | December 21, 2019

(My fiancé and I are watching “The Muppet Christmas Carol.” It is my first time watching it, while his family has a tradition of watching it every year. We reach the point where the Ghost of Christmas Present begins to disappear.)

Me: “Why couldn’t they have just done a fade-out, instead of a fade-out with cliché colored sparkles?”

Fiancé: “What, you don’t think cliché colored sparkles are normal?”

Fiancé’s Mother: *working nearby* “You don’t think most people fade out in cliché colored sparkles?”

Me: *facepalming slightly* “When I go, whether or not I fade out, I guarantee you that it will not be in a cloud of cliché colored sparkles.”

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They Vow To Keep Consistent

, , , , | Romantic | December 7, 2019

(I work front desk at a downtown hotel in one of the larger college towns in the American Midwest. Our little 147-room property has seen it all: managers getting fired, wedding parties that were literal trash, and even the bridal and in-law versions of Godzilla incarnate. But it’s not often we see humor from the grooms. A small wedding party is in with us, consisting of the bride and groom. This morning, the bride comes up to the desk.)

Bride: “Hi! Have you got a pen and a piece of paper?”

Me: “We sure do! How much do you need?”

Bride: “Just one piece. I’m getting married today and forgot my vows.”

Me: *pulling out a pen and a sheet of paper* “Congratulations! Here you go!”

Bride: “Thanks!”

(The bride wanders off and writes her wedding vows. I think nothing more of it until I see a haggard-looking man come up to the desk, Coors in hand.)

Guy: “Hey, have you got a pen and a sheet of paper?”

Me: “We sure do. Let me guess, vows?”

Guy: *with a sly smile* “Yeah. I forgot ’em; haven’t got a clue what to say.”

Me: *giggles* “Good thing you remembered them! Just write from the heart, man! Here’s the stuff.”

Guy: “Thanks!”

(The Coors guy walks off and again, I don’t think anything of it. That is, until about ten minutes later, when he comes back up to the desk.)

Guy: “Thanks.”

Me: “Get it all written out?”

Guy: “Well, something like that. I figure I’ll just half-a** it and make it up as I go.”

Me: *as I try to keep from laughing* “Oh… well, good luck.”

(I told my manager about it and he laughed. One can only wonder how that marriage will go, but to the happy bride and groom, they seemed eager. Fingers crossed!)

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Can Never Be Too Early

, , , , | Friendly | October 28, 2019

(Saturday evening, my friends and I get together over a chat service to watch a movie. While we’re waiting for everyone to get online, we start chatting about my recent job hunt.)

Me: “[Fiance] was nice enough to wake me up at eight this morning for my interview.”

Friend: “Aww, that’s so sweet. How’d it go?”

Me: “I don’t know. My interview is on Monday.”

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The Female Is More Deadly

, , , , | Related | October 15, 2019

(I am in the process of buying my parents a gift from the store my mother works at, and I need to talk to her store manager about it. I call the store and my mother answers the call, so I put on a high-pitched, close to screeching voice, asking for the manager by name. When she asks for my details, I refuse to give them, demanding to be put through. In due course, I give my mother the gift. She asks how I managed to buy it from her store without her knowing, and I remind her of the phone call.)

Mum: “That was you? You caused so much trouble for [Store Manager].”

Me: “How could I cause trouble for [Store Manager]?”

Mum: “Did I tell you that he gave his fiance’s sister a job? She could hear that it was a female on the phone and threw a fit because I put a call from a woman through to him when he’s engaged to her sister.” 

Me: “Are you kidding? Does she not realise that he works retail and many customers are actually women?”

Mum: “Yeah, I know, I always thought that [SM’s Fiance] was crazy, but her sister takes the cake.”

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