Take A Pregnant Pause To Think

, , , , | Related | May 26, 2020

My fianceé and I are visiting my mother at her house. We’re planning on staying the night there. We just found out this morning that my fianceé is pregnant, and of course, we told my mother, who is ecstatic.

We’re bringing our things in to take them upstairs. As we head across the kitchen:

Mom: “Separate bedrooms, you two!”

Fianceé: *Pauses for a moment* “I’m already pregnant. What exactly are you trying to prevent?”

Mom was completely speechless, and the look on her face was priceless! We slept in the same room that night.

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Oh, Jeez, I’m Like A Crackpot Magnet!

, , , , , | Romantic | May 1, 2020

Apparently, I have been engaged twice and didn’t even know it. One incident involves an ex-boyfriend. A coworker and I are play-arguing and my ex comes up, wraps an arm around me, and tells my coworker, “Hey! Be nice to my fiancé!” The coworker sees my eyes bug out. After my shift:

Me: “Um, [Ex], you do know that we’re not engaged, right?”

Ex: “Yeah, well, you know, you never know.”

Me: “Um, no. No, I know that we’re not engaged. I don’t love you.”

Ex: “Wow, that’s kind of harsh!”

Me: “That’s why we started dating last week! To see if it would change into love!”

The other time is shortly after my ex and I break up. A regular customer comes through my line.

Me: “Wow, you must like this store! You’re in here almost every other day!”

Customer: “Yeah, well… You know.” *Grins* “Your last name is [Last Name].”

Me: “Um… yeah.”

Customer: “You went to [High School].”

Me: “Uh-huh…”

Customer: “You graduated in 2006.”

Me: “You’re a stalker.”

Customer: “No! We went to high school together!”

I looked it up afterward and saw that yes, we went to school together. He asked me out and for my phone number, and I decided I would put first impressions aside.

However, within ten minutes of texting, he told me we were going to have lilies as our wedding flower and started making wedding plans. I, of course, freaked out and told him I wasn’t ready to date anyone yet. He ended with, “But you’re the one!”

Why do I always get the crazy ones?!

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Engaged To The House

, , , , | Romantic | February 1, 2020

(I am roughly nine years old when this happens. I have stolen several of my mother’s rings and am running around and proposing to any girl I see. My mother is very annoyed at that and begins scolding me. After ten minutes of scolding, she gives this lecture as a means of getting me to stop stealing her jewellery.)

Mom: “Besides, in Singapore, guys don’t use rings when they ask girls to marry them. They ask if they want to get a [slang for government flat] together.”

(There is apparently a law in Singapore that states that if someone wants to buy property, they must be over 35 or married.)

Me: “But that’s not how [Cousin] proposed to [Cousin’s Wife]! He knelt and had a ring.”

Mom: “[Cousin] has watched too many Hollywood movies and is not a good example. He is an outlier. That wasn’t normal.”

Me: “I don’t believe you!”

Mom: “Ask your sister how she got engaged then.”

(So, that’s what I do, immediately running out of the room and going to my big sister and her fiancé in the dining room.)

Me: “[Sister] how did [Fiancé] propose to you?”

Sister: “He didn’t.”

Fiancé: “Your big sister was the one that proposed.”

Me: *befuddled* “Huh, but don’t guys… Never mind. How did you do it?”

Sister: “I asked if [Fiancé] wanted to get a [slang for government flat] together with me.”

Fiancé: “I said yes.”

Mom: *triumphantly* “I told you so!”

Me: *speechless*

(That was, apparently, indeed how my big sister proposed to her childhood sweetheart. She asked if he wanted to get a flat with her and when he pointed out that they couldn’t buy property, she wordlessly slipped a marriage registration form across the table. It took me quite a while to realise that my mother was conning me. My big sister was an outlier and not the norm. Regardless, I stopped stealing my mom’s rings and getting down onto one knee. Instead of “Will you marry me?”, I began asking the much less volatile “Shall we get a house together?” instead.)

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Go Out Like A Jedi, Not A Muppet!

, , , , , | Related | December 21, 2019

(My fiancé and I are watching “The Muppet Christmas Carol.” It is my first time watching it, while his family has a tradition of watching it every year. We reach the point where the Ghost of Christmas Present begins to disappear.)

Me: “Why couldn’t they have just done a fade-out, instead of a fade-out with cliché colored sparkles?”

Fiancé: “What, you don’t think cliché colored sparkles are normal?”

Fiancé’s Mother: *working nearby* “You don’t think most people fade out in cliché colored sparkles?”

Me: *facepalming slightly* “When I go, whether or not I fade out, I guarantee you that it will not be in a cloud of cliché colored sparkles.”

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They Vow To Keep Consistent

, , , , | Romantic | December 7, 2019

(I work front desk at a downtown hotel in one of the larger college towns in the American Midwest. Our little 147-room property has seen it all: managers getting fired, wedding parties that were literal trash, and even the bridal and in-law versions of Godzilla incarnate. But it’s not often we see humor from the grooms. A small wedding party is in with us, consisting of the bride and groom. This morning, the bride comes up to the desk.)

Bride: “Hi! Have you got a pen and a piece of paper?”

Me: “We sure do! How much do you need?”

Bride: “Just one piece. I’m getting married today and forgot my vows.”

Me: *pulling out a pen and a sheet of paper* “Congratulations! Here you go!”

Bride: “Thanks!”

(The bride wanders off and writes her wedding vows. I think nothing more of it until I see a haggard-looking man come up to the desk, Coors in hand.)

Guy: “Hey, have you got a pen and a sheet of paper?”

Me: “We sure do. Let me guess, vows?”

Guy: *with a sly smile* “Yeah. I forgot ’em; haven’t got a clue what to say.”

Me: *giggles* “Good thing you remembered them! Just write from the heart, man! Here’s the stuff.”

Guy: “Thanks!”

(The Coors guy walks off and again, I don’t think anything of it. That is, until about ten minutes later, when he comes back up to the desk.)

Guy: “Thanks.”

Me: “Get it all written out?”

Guy: “Well, something like that. I figure I’ll just half-a** it and make it up as I go.”

Me: *as I try to keep from laughing* “Oh… well, good luck.”

(I told my manager about it and he laughed. One can only wonder how that marriage will go, but to the happy bride and groom, they seemed eager. Fingers crossed!)

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