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How Drunk Do You Have To Be To Mess This Up?!

, , , , , | Right | CREDIT: ThatsNoMoOnx | December 5, 2021

I work in a hotel. A very drunk man and woman come into my lobby. The girl grabs some snacks and charges them to her room. They get on the elevator together to go to her room.

I am finishing up my night audit duties when a guest calls me, saying some drunk guy is knocking on their door. Okay, no problem. I radio security, and security brings down a drunk man in his boxers.

This is the same man who went up with the drunk lady. I call her room.

Me: “Hey, Ms. [Woman]. Sorry to bother you at this late hour, but the man you came in with earlier tonight is locked out. Could you let him in? He is literally in his underwear.”

Woman: “Everyone who is supposed to be in my room is already here. And also, someone keeps knocking; tell them to stop.”

Me: *Pauses* “Okay, let me get this straight. You are telling me you do not know the man you came in with at all?”

Woman: “No.” *Hangs up*

Man: “Ms. [Woman] is my fiancée and we’re visiting from out of state!”

I really was not expecting this amount of bulls*** on a Tuesday night.

This man was clearly very drunk, and he started accusing me of being in cahoots with his alleged fiancée. Bro, I don’t care about this lady; I just want your naked a** out of my lobby!

The man decided to call his father, a Super-Duper Shiny Member. He agreed to pay for a separate room for his son over the phone. I freaked because I had never worked a property that didn’t require me to have a CCA form and copy of a picture ID to make a reservation.

Since I was new to this property, I call my general manager… at 4:30 am. I got prepared to be chewed out.

But no! The general manager said I could check him in over the phone because he was a Super-Duper Shiny Member.

But it turned out that the woman was, in fact, the man’s fiancée.

She came down crying, looking for the man, who I had sent up to his new room. The guy’s dad called her and cussed her out. The rest of their visit was, thankfully, uneventful.

Either She Doesn’t Exist, Or She Came To Her Senses

, , , , , , | Right | September 13, 2021

I work in a bridal boutique. I take an appointment; the caller to book the appointment is the groom. That in itself is not too unusual, but the rest of the conversation is.

Groom: “My fiancée and I are getting married in six months and she hasn’t tried on any dresses at all yet. She says she’s not really a dress kind of girl, but I really want her to wear a dress to our wedding. I think if you have her try some on, she’ll see how pretty she looks and change her mind.”

We get this from a lot of friends and family — usually, the Mother of the Bride — and our policy is to offer styles to the bride and let her pick what she wants to try on.

Me: “Sure, we can schedule an appointment for her to work with a consultant and browse our samples. She can try on any styles she’d like so she can get a sense of what she feels best in. Can I ask for a little more information about your wedding date and preferred budget, or should we ask her when she comes in?”

Groom: “No, no, you can ask me. She doesn’t want to try on dresses, so I’m making the appointments so she can’t get out of it.”

Me: “We do have some dress alternatives, like bridal jumpsuits or separates, so hopefully we can find something that’s close to her personal style.”

Groom: “Do you have anything in her size?”

Me: “We carry samples in mid-range sizes to fit up or down and gauge how a fitted dress will look, and then we can order her the dress or outfit she chooses in her size based on her measurements.”

Groom: “Well, I don’t know; she’s really fit and toned.”

He goes into a long description of her Pilates routine.

Groom: “She needs something that will be flattering on her and I want her in something fitted to her figure.”

Me: “We can easily size most styles down with clips so she can see how they’ll look in her size, so that shouldn’t be a problem.”

Groom: “She needs something that shows off her figure. She has a really nice figure; she wears a lot of fitted pants and high heels.”

At this point, I’ve stepped away from the reservation computer and am leaning against the wall, holding the phone with a baffled look on my face. My coworker has stopped her paperwork and is staring at me strangely since this side of the conversation has gone so quiet.

Groom: “…and she has really large breasts for her size. She wears a DDD cup so she needs something that will show them off…”

Me: *Desperately trying to interject* “That’s fine. We’ll take her measurements once she finds a style she likes—”

Groom: *No indication that he’s heard me.* “…she prefers [Brand] lingerie and she wears a lot of demi-cut black lace…”

I’ve completely slid down the wall at this point and am basically sitting on the floor, holding the phone.

Me: “That’s great! I have all the information I need, and we can sit down for a chat when she comes in for the appointment!”

Groom: “You’ll be able to make her try on dresses that will fit her and look good on her figure?”

Me: “Uh-huh. I’m sure we can find something that she likes!”

Groom: “Okay, good, because she really doesn’t want to wear a dress and I want to make sure she shows off her figure…”

At this point, I was considering a followup drink for every time he described her figure.

I finally wrapped up the call, confirmed the booking, and considered going home to take a long shower to scrub the call off my skin.

I wrote minimal notes in the appointment field to avoid scaring off consultants working that day. I just mentioned that the groom may be in attendance and he had some preferences but, so far, the bride didn’t seem too sold on a traditional dress. I made a mental note to try and be available around that time for support, as well.

We confirmed the appointment with the contact information given to us — the groom’s phone and email — in advance of their time frame but, wouldn’t you know it, the appointment was a no-show. At this point, we seriously started to doubt the bride existed outside of his imagination!

Retroactively Robbing The Cradle

, , , , , | Romantic | August 29, 2021

My fiancé is extremely smart; however, sometimes he forgets the age gap between us, and even though it’s only five years, it’s humorous to me.

We are laying in bed looking at a certain photo app, and the trend of a video showing when you and your significant other met and where you are now is playing.

Fiancé: “I wish I would have known you in high school. I would have made all my friends jealous.”

I turn and stare at him.

Fiancé: “What? I would have!”

Me: “Hun, when you were eighteen in high school, I was thirteen!”

Fiancé: “OH! OH, NO! No, I didn’t mean that! Not like that! I forgot!”

I just about died of laughter.

Nothing’s Heavier Than The Weight Of Grandma’s Expectations

, , , , , , , | Related | May 29, 2021

My boyfriend and I have just gotten engaged. We have told our immediate family, and now my fiancé is calling his grandmother. I have met her twice, and she seemed nice but a bit odd. 

Fiancé: “[My Name] and I are engaged!”

Grandma: *Very long pause* “Well, you both need to lay off the sugar.”

My fiancé is overweight but he’s the least overweight member of his family.

Fiancé: “Yes, Grandma. We are thinking of June of next year for the wedding, so fourteen months from now. That way there’s—”

Grandma: “Tell that girl to lay off the sugar or she’ll get the beetus like you!”

My fiancé was recently diagnosed as type-two diabetic. I have been type-one diabetic for decades.

Fiancé: “Okay, Grandma. Is [Cousin] at your house? Can you hand the phone to him if he is?”

Grandma: “If you lay off the sugar now, you might look halfway okay by the wedding if it’s in two months.”

Fiancé: “It’s June of next year, not this June.”

Grandma: “I’ll let my pastor know to expect your call. He’s pretty busy this June, though.”

Fiancé: “It’s in a year, Grandma, at our church.”

His grandmother then hung up the phone. Apparently, she then called my fiancé’s sister to complain about how overweight both of us are and how it would ruin wedding pictures. Since my fiancé’s sister was 200 pounds overweight at the time, she was less than sympathetic!


, , , , | Right | May 25, 2021

I’m twenty-seven and just got engaged. I’m serving a woman on the till. She starts laughing.

Me: “What’s so funny?”

Customer: “I’m so sorry. For a minute, I thought you were wearing an engagement ring.”

Me: “I am; I just got engaged to my boyfriend.”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me; that’s impossible! You’re no more than fourteen. This Is just a little weekend job for you!”

It was the middle of a weekday, so if I had been fourteen, I would’ve been skipping school!