Assault Is Only Okay If The Person Is Fake, Apparently

, , , , , | Right | December 9, 2018

CONTENT WARNING: Physical Assault

(As floor manager, I have a phone on me that employees can call if they have issues. I get a call from an employee who says she has a customer who wants to speak to a manager about a return. I can hear the angry customer yelling in the background, so I radio security as a precaution. When I get there, the customer is red-faced and yelling at the employee. He looks at me and rolls his eyes.)

Customer: “I said I wanted to speak to a manager! Manager! Not for you to call a friend over! This is bulls***!”

Employee: “She is the manager.”

Customer: “Bulls***.”

(I tap my metal nametag, which says my name and, “Manager,” and reassure him that I am the manager.)

Customer: “Bulls***! You think you can get away with a fake nametag and get out of trouble? I want the real manager now!

Me: “I am the manager, and if you don’t lower your voice, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

(Suddenly, the customer lunged at me and grabbed my arm, pushing me back against the counter, and started trying to rip my nametag off of my jacket. He succeeded in basically grabbing and groping my breast while I tried to get away, before the pin back popped open, gouging me. Suddenly, one of my plain-clothes security guards appeared, grabbed the guy from the back, and pulled him to the ground. The guy finally stopped fighting and the police took him in. I had a cut, and bruises on my upper arm and chest. We had a mountain of paperwork between the assault and the fact that a security guard got physically involved. I found out that in his defence, they guy kept repeating that he thought I was a fake manager, and therefore that the assault should be okay!)

Parenting So Bad You Can’t Make It Up

, , , , , | Right | December 8, 2018

(I get a call from an employee about a child who is causing some issues, and has been wandering unsupervised for a half hour. The kid is about two or three years old, no parent around. The child has taken makeup samples and is smearing them on the floor and on himself, “finger painting,” and making a huge mess. Besides this, the kid seems dirty and his clothes are torn.)

Me: “Hey there. What’s your name? Where is your mommy?”

(The kid doesn’t answer. One employee talks to the kid and get his name out, but when asked where his parents are, the child shakes his head and starts crying loudly. Security for the store comes down, and we take the kid behind the counter where it’s quieter and give him a promotional plush toy to calm him down. Security starts making an announcement.)

Security: “One of our smallest shoppers seems to have lost his adults. Please report to any cashier if you need help.”

(No one responds, and mall security shows up and says the police are on their way. It’s now been over an hour since my initial call, and because of all of the circumstances, we are worried the child was abandoned at the mall. Store security takes the child to their office. I get a call that police have arrived with a CPS officer, and I go down to meet them and take them to the office. Halfway down to the door, a well-dressed woman stops me.)

Woman: “Hey, where did you take [Son]? I’m ready to go now.”

Me: “I… What? We’ve been paging you for a while.”

Woman: “Oh, I thought those were for someone else. I knew where he was. I left him to play by the makeup while I bought a purse. I saw he even got a free stuffed animal! But it’s time to go now. Where did you put him?”

Me: “Ma’am, wait right here. There’s some people you have to talk to.”

(The police and CPS found her story to be as weird as I did, and I spent the next month receiving angry phone calls from her and threats of lawsuits because CPS investigated her.)

Honor Among Scammers

, , , , | Legal | December 2, 2018

(I am with my mom when she gets a voicemail from an obvious scammer. She decides to call the number the voicemail was sent from. She puts it on speaker phone so I can hear, as well.)

Scammer #1: “Hello?”

Mom: “Yes, I just received a voicemail from your company about a warrant I need to pay off?”

Scammer #1: “Yes, yes, we can help you pay off your warrant; we just need you to answer a few questions for security. What is your birthday?”

Mom: “[Date that is not her birthday].”

Scammer #1: “Okay, thank you.” *hangs up*

(Bewildered by the sudden hang up, my mom calls the number again and gets a different person.)

Scammer #2: “Yes, hello?”

Mom: “Hi. I was just talking to a coworker of yours about paying a warrant, but I answered one of his questions and he hung up on me.”

Scammer #2: *pause* “Look, ma’am, I’m not supposed to tell you this, but this is a scam, all right? Don’t give these people your information or money, please.”

Mom: *holding in laughter* “Okay, thanks for telling me.” *ends call*

(We spent the next few minutes laughing and congratulating the honest scammer.)

Face/Off: The Toddler Edition

, , , , , | Related | November 30, 2018

(I’m driving my three-year-old daughter home after preschool. She’s very quiet and shy, especially around other kids.)

Me: “So, did anything interesting happen at school today?”

Daughter: “Yes.”

Me: “What happened?”

Daughter: “[Other Kid] pushed me.”

Me: “[Other Kid] pushed you?”

Daughter: “Yes.”

Me: “Where?”

Daughter: “In the wood chips.”

Me: “[Other Kid] pushed you in the wood chips?”

Daughter: “Yes.”

Me: “Did you fall down?”

Daughter: “Yes.”

Me: “Are you all right?”

Daughter: “Yes.”

Me: “Did you tell a teacher?”

Daughter: “Yes.”

Me: “Was it Ms. [Teacher]?”

Daughter: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay. Did she do anything about it?”

Daughter: “Yes.”

Me: “What did she do?”

Daughter: *suddenly loud and gleeful* “She grabbed [Other Kid] and taked his face off!

(I have no idea what actually happened. My best guess is that my three-year-old was describing her fantasy vengeance instead of what the teacher really did. And the next time I saw [Other Kid], he still had a face.)

The Female Form Does Not Conform

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 22, 2018

(I am at a hotel pool with some friends. A heavily pregnant woman is lounging in a chair near the pool, reading a book. She is wearing a bikini; you can see she has stretch marks on her stomach and legs, and her ankles and feet are swollen. A girl of about twenty walks by, then turns around and goes back, her face wrinkled in disgust.)

Girl: “Um, excuse me?”

Pregnant Woman: “Yes?”

Girl: “Why are you wearing a bikini? It’s kind of gross.”

Pregnant Woman: “I’m wearing a bikini because it’s summer and I want to. If you have a problem with my natural female form, feel free to f*** off.”

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