Perverted Young Men Become Perverted Old Men

, , , , , | Working | October 12, 2018

Customer: “Hey, will you guys be hiring for Christmas?”

Me: “We will! There’s a seasonal hiring fair scheduled in a few weeks. If you want to get on the email list, I can put you down.”

Customer: “Oh, yeah. I’m retired, looking for a little extra money. I want to work security. I used to, you know, in college.”

Me: “I don’t think we will have any seasonal loss prevention jobs available, but you can check out the jobs we will be listing.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s a shame. I used to love working security. Used to love watching the girls change in the fitting rooms through the mirrors. I can only imagine what those guys see now with cameras, ha!”

(As soon as he walked away, I crossed his email address off of the list.)

My Name Is Ming The Merciless And I Shall Be Your Teacher

, , , , | Learning | October 9, 2018

(I’m a student aide for one of my favorite teachers. I’m grading tests, which include both a short essay and a long essay. Some of the handwriting is completely illegible. This exchange happens with my teacher.)

Me: “[Teacher]! The handwriting on some of these is terrible. I can hardly read them!

Teacher: “Don’t worry; they will know my displeasure.”

TV Killed The Music Store

, , , , | Right | October 8, 2018

(I’m working the front desk register alone at my guitar store, when a customer comes in asking about guitar stands. After spending fifteen minutes looking for the particular stand he’s asking about, I realize we’re out of stock.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t have that particular stand in stock right now. Would you be interested in one of our other stands?”

Customer: “Well, no. It’s actually for a TV, so none of your other ones would work.”

Me: *facepalm*

O Bro-ly Night

, , , , , | Friendly | October 2, 2018

(I’m on a date with my partner. We’re waiting at a bus stop when a guy hands each of us a small booklet with the title, “How Well Do You Know God?” and, both of us being atheists and transgender pansexual, we giggle a little.)

Me: *to my partner, in reference to the booklet title* “Well, we’re not exactly bros.”

Likes To Read Vampire Cereals

, , , , | Related | September 28, 2018

(It is summer break and I am in middle school. I am laying on the floor reading a book and eating shredded wheat cereal. My brother, unbeknownst to me, is on the couch reading a horror book about a vampire. I am getting to the bottom of my bowl and decide to drink up the milk by sucking on one of the squares, making a very wet slurping sound. Apparently, he has just gotten to the point where a vampire is feeding just as I start slurping my milk, and looks up from his book to see if he can pinpoint the sound right when I stop. Just as he settles back into his book and starts to reread up to that point, I start again, repeating the cycle a few times before he verbally freaks out.)

Brother: “Did you hear that?”

Me: “Hear what?”

Brother: “That wet, slurping sound?”

Me: “You mean this?”

(I proceed to suck milk through my cereal again.)

Brother: “That! That! What is it?”

Me: “I’m just drinking my milk through my cereal. Why?”

(He explains what has been going on, and I just start laughing my a** off.)

Brother: “I don’t need sound effects for my books; my imagination does just fine!”

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