My wife and I live near a city called Anderson. We frequently drive there for groceries, the hardware store, etc.

A few days ago, we were driving through town and passed a bus stop with a kiosk that read “CATS” on the side.

Wife: “You’d think they would have changed that ad by now.”

Me: “What ad?

Wife: “The ad for ‘Cats’ back there. How many years has it been since that came out?”

Me: “Since what came out?”

Wife: “The musical, ‘Cats’! I’ve seen that same ad up there for years!”

Me: “Uh, honey … that’s the name of the bus company. CATS is City of Anderson Transportation System.”

Wife: “What … seriously?! Omighod, I always thought that was an ad that they never took down! You must think I’m an idiot!”

I’d never say that out loud, dear. But I love you anyway.

My wife and I are trying to aggressively pay off a medical bill, so we’re both working double time at our places of work. This means me picking her up at 2 AM from a late shift at her 24-hour grocery store.

I’m sitting in the parking lot when I see two customers both try to claim the same mobility scooter. I can’t hear every word being spoken, but from what I can make out, this particular scooter is “the best one” and “I come shopping here at this time because it’s always available.” 

The fight turns physical, and these two individuals start going at it. Among this craziness, I see my wife exit the store, walk right past them, not noticing a thing. She gets in my car, sighs heavily, and then asks me:

Wife: “Why are you staring at me like that?”

Me: “You just walked past two very large individuals having a physical altercation and screaming at each other. Look.”

I point the scene out to her, which is now more chaotic as security has turned up to break them apart.

Wife: “Hun, I just served a guy in a bathrobe and slippers… buying a single spatula and a six-pack of Vaseline. It would take more than that to make me do a double-take.”

She was asleep less than sixty seconds after pulling out of the parking lot.

I’m looking at sofas in IKEA, and I overhear a couple of customers testing out a couch nearby.

Woman: “Hey, babe, what do you think of this couch? Wouldn’t it look great in our living room?”

Man: “I have no idea why you’re asking me. I got my shirt for free out of a beer box.”

It’s early morning on Black Friday. My boyfriend’s scrolling on his phone, reading off store ads while I’m brushing my teeth, still feeling tired from Thanksgiving the day before. We’re discussing which stores we’re going to hit up for some deals.

Boyfriend: “TVs, laptops, air fryers, toasters… fifty percent off everything and everyone’s already in line.”

Me: “Remember last year? You worked at [Electronics Store], and I was over at [Department Store].”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, we had to leave Thanksgiving dinner early to get to work at 9 PM to start setting up for the midnight opening.”

Me: “I had a woman threaten to ‘manifest a manager’ if we didn’t price match a toaster.”

We both stare at the half-eaten pumpkin pie between us.

Me: “Why don’t we just… not go?”

Boyfriend: *Pauses, mid-scroll.* “Wait… we can do that?”

Me: “Yeah. Like… no stores. No lines. No people fighting over towels. Just… stay in?”

He looks at me like I’ve just cured everything.

Boyfriend: “So you’re saying… stay in, eat leftovers, watch anime?”

Me: “Exactly.”

He tosses his phone aside, grinning.

Boyfriend: “That’s it. That’s our Black Friday deal. A hundred percent off stress.”

Me: “And unlimited mac and cheese refills.”

We clink our forks together like champagne glasses and hit play on the next anime episode.

CONTENT WARNING: Sexual content.

I was in a bar one night for a friend’s birthday, and our conversation was interrupted by a woman who was screaming because she was breaking up with her boyfriend.

Girlfriend: “You’re broke and useless! And… and… and every time we f***ed I f***ing faked it!”

Boyfriend: *Deadpan and calm.* “What makes you think I was f***ing you for your benefit?”

She then poured his beer all over him and stormed out. 

We were back at that bar the next weekend (two friends’ birthdays one week apart), and the couple was there again, eating each other’s faces, so I guess they worked it out?