Seriously, Who Does This?

, , , , , , | Romantic | March 5, 2020

There’s a guy at my gym who sometimes tries to chat me up. I’m polite but nothing more, as I’m not interested.

One night, I’m leaving the gym just as he’s arriving. We exchange greetings for a few seconds and I set off on my walk home without a second thought.

Halfway there, I stop to wait for a traffic light and just happen to look over my shoulder.

He’s right behind me.

I scream, “Why are you following me?!”

He has the nerve to stand there smiling and ask, “Oh, did I scare you?” as if it’s perfectly normal to follow a woman late at night — or any time, for that matter.

I raise my fists into a fighting stance and scream again, “BACK OFF, MOTHERF*****!”

He takes off running. I’m so petrified that I can’t move until he’s out of sight.

I’ve never seen him again, but I’m always uneasy he’ll show up at the gym again.

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You Can Never Be Too Careful

, , , , , | Romantic | March 4, 2020

(I take regular walks around my neighborhood for exercise and relaxation. I’ve just walked past the entryway for a business that crosses the sidewalk when a car that was heading towards me on the road pulls into the entryway behind me and the driver calls out. Figuring it’s someone looking for directions, as this is a touristy area, I turn around and answer.)

Me: “What can I do for you?”

Man: “You from around here?”

Me: “Yes, I’m a local. Where are you heading?”

Man: “Cool. So… what’s your name?”

(I go from zero to SUSPICIOUS.)

Me: “Why do you want to know?”

Man: “No reason! Nevermind!”

(He threw his car into reverse and peeled out of there so fast I was left completely stunned for a moment. Only after I shrugged and continued my walk did I happen to glance down at my shirt and realize I was wearing an old high-school tee that would have been clearly visible to someone coming towards me. I’m short and young-faced, despite being almost ten years out of high school, so there’s a distinct possibility that man thought I was a minor. I always carry my phone with me on walks, but maybe I should add a weapon.)

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When A Mad TV Sketch Goes Awry

, , , , | Romantic | March 3, 2020

(I work in a third-party call center as a sales rep for a major cell phone provider. I am a female in my mid-twenties and I grew up in the country. I’m talking with a guy who sounds like he’s from the inner big city. I have no problem with the inner city; it just helps set the scene. The call has gone like it normally does but without a sale because the customer doesn’t have enough money to put down on the phone he wants: an iPhone, what else? Cue eye roll.)

Me: “Well, I’m sorry we couldn’t set you up today, [Customer]. Do you have any other questions for me?”

Customer: “Yeah, what’s your phone number?”

Me: “Um, it’s 1-800 [Cell Phone Carrier].”

Customer: “No, yours, baby girl!”

Me: “Mine?”

Customer: “Yeah, you sound hot and just my type!”

Me: “Okay, first of all, that’s against company policy, and second of all, do you realize how sad that sounds?”

Customer: “Uh…”

Me: “You should really base your feelings on getting to know a girl’s mind and heart rather than sound and looks. If you want to actually spend time with someone for long periods, wouldn’t it make more sense to actually like them as a person?”

Customer: “Well, when you put it that way… I guess you’re right. I’m sorry.”

Me: “I appreciate the compliment, but I hope you put more thought into what you say in the future. Thank you for calling [Cell Phone Carrier]; we hope to hear from you again!”

(I got an earful from my supervisor even though she was trying really hard not to laugh. I didn’t get into too much trouble because I was still technically in the training period, and she told her boss that I was still getting a feel for how to deescalate uncomfortable situations. I was further trained to just say, “Thanks, but I’m married,” and I still use that now even though I’m no longer there. It’s true, I am happily married, but even that doesn’t seem to stop people.)

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This Ain’t It, Chief

, , , , | Romantic | March 2, 2020

(As a pet-sitter and dog-walker, I’m used to strange hours around the holidays to accommodate all the dogs and cats that need care while their families are out of town. I’m used to getting up as early as 5:30 am to go feed cats their breakfast or to walk a dog, even if I’m grumpy about being up before dawn, though I make a point to stay aware of my surroundings as a safety measure. So, when I end up with two weeks’ worth of twelve-hour days starting with pre-dawn driving, I don’t think much of it except to mourn the loss of sleep. On that first day, I don’t notice anything amiss; traffic is light — who else is crazy enough to be awake before 6:00 am during winter break? — so I get to my first stop in a fairly nice neighborhood pretty quickly. I pull into the deep driveway and get out of my car when I hear a sudden honking. At the other end of the driveway, a small four-door car has pulled up, going at the horn on this residential street before the sun has even come up. I figure they must be seriously lost; nothing else in my mind makes sense for how urgently this person is trying to get my attention. So, I walk back up the driveway, stopping a few feet away, and the driver, a youngish guy, leans over to talk out of the open passenger-side window.)

Guy: “I’ve been trying to get your attention for twenty blocks!”

Me: “What?”

Guy: “Yeah, I’ve been honking and everything.”

Me: “Oh, uh, sorry? I didn’t notice. Are you lost or something?”

Guy: “No, no, I’m fine. What’s your name?”

(As a woman in her mid-twenties, I’ve heard too many horror stories and watched too much “Investigation Discovery” to not become a little nervous about where this is going.)

Me: “Uh, [My First Name]. Look, I’ve gotta go; I’m super busy…”

Guy: “Oh, did you just get home?”

Me: “No, no, I’m just helping out a friend, but I’ve got a lot of stuff to do…”

(I start backing away back down the driveway, social anxiety keeping me from just turning around and booking it towards the house, but he doesn’t get the hint.)

Guy: “It’s all right; we can still talk! Are you seeing anyone?”

Me: “Yeah, I am actually, so I’ll just…”

(That nice Fight or Flight instinct kicked into Flight and I speed-walked to the house and waited until he drove off to start feeding the cats. I almost immediately ordered pepper spray and a taser, and I haven’t spotted him or his car since. I don’t know why he thought it wouldn’t be creepy to follow someone to what they thought was that person’s house IN THE DARK to try and chat them up for a date, but I can assure you, it gave me Serial Killer Murder Mystery vibes! DON’T DO THIS!)

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So, Was The Boyfriend Flirting With The Bird, Then?

, , , , | Romantic | February 29, 2020

I inherit an African Grey from my grandfather when he dies. Like all parrots, he is very smart and had picked up lots of words and phrases over time, but my grandpa always made sure they were polite words only and would tell anyone off for swearing around him or making rude sounds. Fast forward a couple of years. I take a weekend trip and ask my boyfriend to take care of him while I am away. When I get back, my boyfriend picks me up and brings me back home.

“[Parrot]! Where’s my boy? Hello, sweet bird!”

The parrot makes a long, drawn-out wolf whistle.

“Hello, sweet bird!”

He has never wolf-whistled before. I slowly turn to my boyfriend.

“Why did my parrot just hit on me?”

*Looking very sheepish* “Because he has more game than I ever will?”

It’s been a week. My bird now loves to wolf whistle.

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