His Excuse Of “She Was Wearing Makeup” Doesn’t Dance With Us

, , , , , | Romantic | November 12, 2019

(In my teens, I used to dance competitively. If you’ve ever been to a dance competition, you know that even the young kids have to wear a LOT of stage makeup. This happens right after a competition day. My family has taken me to a restaurant for dinner to celebrate my new medals. I’m tired and sweaty, not all of my makeup would come off, and the waiting area is standing-room-only, so with my parents’ permission, I step out to a bench directly outside the waiting area. It’s a cool night, so I sprawl out on the bench and am soaking in the cool breeze when I hear voices nearby. I sit up and see some guys around eighteen or nineteen pointing at me and nudging each other. Before I can really ascertain what they are doing, one of them comes over to sit next to me.)

Guy: “Hey there. What are you doing here all alone?”

Me: *immediately flashing back to school warnings of strangers in white vans offering candy* “U-um… my parents are right in there!”

Guy: “Ugh, parents, right?”

Me: *visible confusion* “Um… yeah?”

Guy: “So, are you from around here?”

(The conversation continues for a few minutes with me giving vague, confused answers while the guy’s buddies stand around snickering at their friend apparently getting nowhere. I still haven’t figured out what’s going on, but then…)

Guy: “You’re kind of young, aren’t you? How old are you?”

Me: *honestly* “Th-thirteen…”

Guy: *jumping off the bench like it is white-hot* “WHOA! Okay! You have a great night, hon! Uh… call me in like… five years!”

(He bolted, his friends following after howling with laughter. I uneasily returned inside. My mom nearly had a heart attack when I recounted the exchange to her. Somehow she managed to miss the whole thing, even though I was within line-of-sight!)

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Mansplainception

, , , | Romantic | November 11, 2019

(I am spending a chill Sunday afternoon at home, with my wife, browsing online. My wife is reading a listicle on social media about the worst examples of mansplaining. She reads a little way in, looks confused, and then turns to me. I am male.)

Wife: “What’s mansplaining?”

Me: “Is… is this a trap?

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Um… What?!

, , , , | Romantic | November 8, 2019

(My partner sometimes talks in his sleep. He just looks at me, utters a few nonsensical things, and goes right back to deep sleep.)

Partner: *mumbling* “I’m sorry! I enabled them.”

Me: “What?”

Partner: “I enabled them! I enabled the gay monsters to s*** in here.”

Me: “O… kay. Sure, baby.”

Partner: *mumbles and snores softly*

(I thought he was messing with me at first but, as usual, he was sound asleep and will have no recollection of it when I retell the story later.)

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These Nuts Are Rated R

, , , | Romantic | November 3, 2019

Me: *struggling to open a pistachio shell* “Just give me the nut!”

Girlfriend: *not missing a beat* “Maybe you should say ‘please.'”

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Indie Games Really Do Push The Limits These Days

, , , , , | Romantic | October 31, 2019

(My husband and I are scrolling through the free games on our Xbox to see if there’s anything interesting enough to play. We settle on one and decide we’ll play it once we have our daughter down for bed.)

Me: “Are you ready to play Goat Stimulator?”

Husband: *gives me an odd look*

Me: “I mean Goat Simulator! Goat Stimulator would be a completely different game.”

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