Today Is A Good Day To Pho

, , , , | Romantic | April 28, 2019

(I’m sick with a bad cold, so my husband brings me soup from a nearby Vietnamese restaurant.)

Me: “I should drink the broth for its healing powers. But there’s still some chunks of onion floating around. I don’t want to choke.”

Husband: *distracted by video game* “Killed by pho, huh?”

Me: “Oh, my God.”

(There’s a moment of silence, and then my husband pauses his game and looks at me with a smirk.)

Me & Husband: “Defeated by pho!”

Me: “That has to be my tombstone now. ‘Fought hard, was defeated by pho.’”

Should Have Seen That Date Coming

, , , | Romantic | April 24, 2019

(My roommates convince me to go to my first college party with them. Inevitably, I meet a guy. While we’re making out on the couch:)

Guy: “What’s your major?”

Me: “Psychology.”

Guy: “Woah, you’re psychic?! Are you gonna read my mind?”

(I haven’t been to another party since.)

If This Is The Worst Part Of Your Divorce…

, , , , , | Romantic | April 20, 2019

(My live-in boyfriend of two years is currently married to another woman, and has been so for seven years. She knows about me and vice versa, as we are all polyamorous. After a peaceful but distant period of time, they have decided to divorce, as they no longer have a romantic interest in each other. He tells me about this, obviously feeling down but resigned about the decision, and I offer as much emotional comfort as I’m able to, after which I make a somewhat callous comment.)

Boyfriend: “Now I’m just happy to be back home, so I can just sit on the couch and watch Last Week Tonight.”

(It’s a favourite of his. This is where I suddenly realise something important)

Me: “Oh, no… “

Boyfriend: “What’s wrong?”

Me: *full-on nervous giggling* “You’re either going to laugh or get mad at me.”

Boyfriend: *getting worried* “Okay, what is it?”

Me: “Can we still use your wife’s HBO account?”

(Luckily, he found it hilarious, and at least my total lack of tact led to a full-on belly laugh on an otherwise gloomy day!)

Were You Married To A Royal Blue Tang?

, , , | Romantic | April 18, 2019

(My ex-husband has a habit of bringing up mistakes from my past to “win” an argument or deflect attention from himself. For example, if I ask him why he hasn’t done something he said he would, he might answer by talking about someone I dated in the early 2000s, or a falling-out I’d had with a relative that I had apologized and been forgiven for long ago. At the same time, he routinely forgets about things we have done together or entire conversations we’ve had. By the time this exchange occurs, I am sick of both of these things happening.)

Ex-Husband: “Hey, whatever happened with [issue we discussed at length yesterday]?”

Me: “We talked all about that yesterday.”

Ex-Husband: “Oh. Huh. I forgot. I need to figure out how to improve my memory.”

Me: “Just pretend everything is a mistake I made over 15 years ago; then you’ll remember every detail.”

Ex-Husband: “Wooow. That was hurtful.”

Me: “Yes. It is very hurtful that you can remember something I did wrong 15 years ago, to someone else, better than a whole conversation we had yesterday.”

(I wish I could say this was the most childish thing he did, but it’s not even close. Thank you, divorce gods!)

Poke-man-splaining Is So Sexy

, , , , , , | Romantic | April 16, 2019

(For a brief time during college, my friend group hangs out with a guy who fancies himself God’s gift to women and whose favored way of flirting is to find out what a woman likes and style himself as knowing far more about it than she does. I am the first in our friend group he tries this trick on. At the time, I am casually getting into the competitive side of the Pokemon games, which involves raising a team of six monsters to fight against other people’s teams of six monsters.)

Guy: “Let me show you my Pokemon team. It is perfectly crafted to counter all threats that can be thrown against it. I spent hours analyzing the top players to create it.”

Me: “Sure. I’m just running with some of my favorites and a strategy I like. They aren’t top-tier or anything; I just do this for fun.”

Guy: “Well, once the battle is over I’ll explain to you how to actually win.”

(The battle commences in all its Nintendo DS tension and glory. I wipe the floor with him.)

Guy: “You did not use proper Pokemon for real competition and your strategy was weak. I only created my team to win real competitive battles. Change your team and we’ll fight again.

Me: “They beat you well enough, but sure. This team is a group of spares I raised up that don’t fit with the strategy of my main bunch.”

(My victory this time is more hard fought, but just as decisive.)

Guy: “You aren’t using these Pokemon like a proper competitive player would, so I can’t predict your actions to counter them. Change your team and we’ll fight again.”

Me: “Okay… I do have half of an experimental gimmick team I could fill out with some reserves.”

Guy: “Use that.”

(Finally, after insisting I use the team of monsters that consists of my half-finished joke strategy and a few others that don’t fit with the strategy, he gets his victory.)  

Guy: “Now, let me tell you what you did wrong and explain how to do it right!”

(I did not listen to him, and it was not long before our friend group stopped hanging out with him. Part of me does wish I could meet him one more time for a rematch, since my half-complete, jokey gimmick team is now a fully functional and competitively viable powerhouse that, despite its ridiculousness, would absolutely destroy him.)

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