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Relationships, romance, and break-ups!

What A Nightmare!

, , , , | Romantic | August 14, 2021

My girlfriend frequently forgets her age and thinks she’s younger than she actually is. She needs to be reminded on a semi-regular basis that she’s twenty and no longer eighteen. She also has a lot of lucid dreams and will frequently sleep-talk. These two combined made this funny scene one morning.

Girlfriend: “Morning, [Primary School Teacher].”

She turns over in bed.

Girlfriend: “Ah, oops. Sorry. Forgot I’m no longer a student here. I’ll just run off to [Secondary School].”

She mutters something I don’t quite catch but then starts talking again.

Girlfriend: *Increasingly frantic* “Wait, where’re all my classmates? What do you mean, there are no more classes for [Old High School Class]? Then what do I do every day? What do I do every day?!”

Her alarm then goes off and she sits up, immediately awake.

Girlfriend: *In the glummest tone I’ve ever heard* “Ah, right. I’ve got a job now. I go to work every day.”

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His Face Must’ve Been So Ro-Joe

, , , , , , | Romantic | August 13, 2021

My mother-in-law is VERY into ceramics. Each year for Christmas, as a family tradition, she makes several ceramics ranging from Christmas ornaments to Santa and snowman statues and decor. It’s my first Christmas with my in-laws, and we are painting said ceramics. I finish mine, but my husband has not yet finished and we will have to come back so he can finish painting his Santa statue.

Husband: “I’m just gonna write the color I’m using on the bottom of my ceramic so I don’t forget which one it is when we come back.”

He picks up the bottle and reads the color.

Husband: “Red… rooj… ro-joe… That’s a weird color name!”

Me: “Babe… you do realize that’s just ‘red’ in three different languages, right? English, French, and Spanish? Red, rouge, and rojo.”

He still hasn’t lived it down to this day.

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Sounds Like Someone Dodged A Bullet

, , , , , | Romantic | August 8, 2021

I’m sitting in a nice cafe at a small table close to the window. I’m sipping a drink when a woman lumps herself down at my table opposite me.

Woman: “Before we start, what you need to know about me is that I’m a Virgo, and I don’t care if you don’t ‘believe’ in astrology, because it’s important to me. Okay? And I won’t change for anyone. I’m me, and I won’t lose weight. I won’t stop shopping. I won’t go on one of your little runs, okay?”

Before I can answer, the waiter interrupts with my food.

Woman: “What the h***?! You ordered without me. I was, what—” *looks at her watch* “—fifteen minutes late? I said I don’t like being held to a schedule.” 

Me: “Lady, I don’t know you.”

Woman: “Oh, don’t like what you see? Too fat for you now? Well, I’m sorry we can’t all be super skinny models.”

Me: “I don’t know you. I don’t know why you sat down. I was trying to eat alone. I’m guessing your date didn’t want to wait for you.”

She erupts and starts to wail on about how men are terrible, for some reason still aimed fully at me. She ends up taking food off my plate and throwing it to the floor. She stomps out, leaving me utterly bemused.

Waiter: “Are you okay, sir?”

Me: “Yes, I think so. Can I have my meals replaced?”

Waiter: “Of course, free of charge. I am so sorry you had to go through that.”

As I wait, a guy across the room gives me a half-smile with a sort of apologetic shrug. I mime asking if it was his date and he nods. He eventually comes over, apologises, and explains that they met online and there wouldn’t be a second date.

The funny thing was that, apart from the same hair colour, we looked nothing alike.

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She So Didn’t Ace This One

, , , , , , | Romantic | August 6, 2021

I’m a cis female. I go with some friends of mine to an LGBT bar to celebrate my friend’s birthday, and we’re all dressed up for it. The bar is also a popular place for LGBT people to hook up. I’m at the bar to order a drink when another woman approaches me.

Woman: “Hey, listen, you’re really cute. I know you’re here with a group of people, but do you want to hang out with me, instead? See where the night goes?”

Me: “Thanks, but I’m not interested.”

The woman very quickly gets put out.

Woman: “Wait, are you straight?! Because these bars are supposed to be a safe place for gay people.”

Me: “One, I’m not making it any less safe. Two, I’m not straight.”

Woman: “You’re not straight?”

Me: “No.”

Woman: “But you’re not a lesbian?”

Me: “Bit of a jump from ‘not interested’ to ‘not a lesbian,’ but no. And I’m not bi, either, before you guess.”

The woman is looking very confused by this point, but the bartender who is returning with my drink nods to my wallet: a flag made of black, grey, white, and purple stripes.

Bartender: “She’s ace, love.”

Me: “Aromantic, as well. Shoot for the moon if you want, honey, but you’re going to be lucky if you make it to Wollongong.”

But seriously, who sees that someone who is clearly there with a group of friends and celebrating, and decides, “Surely this individual will want to hook up!”?

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Your Most Valuable Possession

, , , , | Romantic | August 4, 2021

We’ve recently been having issues with our garage door, as it will often start to close, make a weird noise, and then open back up. One day, I drop my husband off to pick up his car after getting a minor issue fixed, and since he has to go in and get his keys, I beat him home. Once home, I phone him and ask if I should just leave the garage door open, since he will be home soon.

Husband: “No! There are valuables in there!”

Fair enough; we do have a bike, camping equipment, and several tools in there, so I close it.

Not too long later, he gets home and comes through the door.

Husband: *Complaining* “Why did you lock the front door?”

Me: “There are valuables in here!”

Husband: “But you’re in here!”

I just stood there with my mouth open. It took him a while to realize what he’d said.

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