Recycle His Mind

, , , , | | Romantic | August 8, 2019

(My husband and I are doing some cleaning over the weekend when this happens.)

Husband: “Oh, and I threw out that one aluminum can earlier.”

Me: *curious* “Why would you do that? That would have gone in the recycling.”

Husband: *shrugs* “In this state, you don’t get five cents back like you do with other states, so there is really no point in recycling that if I’m not getting anything back for it.” *walks out of the kitchen*

Me: *glaring in his general direction, quietly to myself* “Are you serious?!”

(I then went back to finishing the dishes, having a pointed mental lecture with him about the point of recycling. I was also wondering why I was just now finding out about his views on recycling when we have been married for almost a decade.)

She’s Going To Have Kittens If You Don’t Tell Her

, , , , | | Romantic | August 7, 2019

(I volunteer at an animal shelter. We have a man who has driven for an hour and a half to adopt a cat for his wife’s birthday as a surprise. He works in the mines 14 days on, 7 days off, so he usually does not go out on his days off, and apparently, his wife finds this suspicious. He receives a phone call just as he is finalising the paperwork. I cannot hear her end of the conversation.)

Man: *phone rings* “Oh, hello, honey. What’s up?” *wife speaks* “Oh, I am just out.” *wife speaks* “I just had some things to do.”

(His wife speaks a little louder.) 

Man: “Yeah, I know it’s my day off. I just had some things to get!”

(His wife speaks, if possible, louder.) 

Man: “All right, all right, all right! Woman, I’m getting you a birthday present!”

(There is silence for a moment before she speaks again.) 

Man: “No, I’m not going to tell you what it is!… No… No… NO!… If you keep guessing I am putting it back.”

(The kitten decides to meow at him at that moment. There is silence, and then an audible squeal comes out of the phone. He sighs.)

Man: “I will see you soon.” *hangs up* “So much for surprises.”

It’s Becoming A More Popular “Lifestyle Choice”

, , , , | | Romantic | August 6, 2019

(I’m helping a customer fill out a form and we’ve gotten to the optional “equal opportunities” section.)

Me: “May I ask your sexual orientation? Again, this question is not compulsory; you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

Customer: *whispering* “Divorced.”


Can You Smell The Love Tonight, Part 20

, , , , | | Romantic | August 5, 2019

My husband is incredibly polite and a bit insecure and embarrassed about his body, so every time he has to fart around me it is followed by a minute or two of apologies and embarrassment. I have tried everything I can to make him feel more comfortable with it because it is a normal human thing and I’m grateful he is polite about it, but he should never feel gross or embarrassed.

One night he was asleep — he talks in his sleep and sometimes does things or walks, as well — and he farted… what followed was him feeling around in the dark for my hand and high-fiving me super hard. 

Just glad he found his confidence! 

Somehow me laughing my butt off for five minutes didn’t wake him up.

Can You Smell The Love Tonight, Part 19
Can You Smell The Love Tonight, Part 18
Can You Smell The Love Tonight, Part 17

From Myspace To Sharing Space

, , , , , , , | | Romantic | August 4, 2019

Years ago, my best friend, who is male, met a really cool girl who liked all the same music that he did. There was never anything there romantically, but they often went to gigs together and he would show me the photos afterward.

Despite the fact my best friend had become close with this girl, I never actually met her, but I had seen photos on social media and had spoken over MySpace — under a ridiculous emo name — etc.

This was about ten years ago, when we were all heading to university and we lost touch. My best friend moved far away and my online-only friendship with this girl ended.

Over a year ago, a new guy started working at my office, and there was an immediate attraction. I recognised his face and his surname. Pre-transition, he had been the girl that I used to chat with online! I didn’t want to say anything, because he passed well and no one in the office knew. So, I kept quiet.

This guy and I got very close very quickly. Just for context: I am a stereotypical girly-girl. Long hair, likes makeup and dresses, etc. And before long, I asked him out on a date.

The date went brilliantly, and one date became two, and two became more. My boyfriend still hadn’t broached the subject of his gender, which was fine. But I could tell that he was worried about telling me, and he later admitted that he had dug himself into a hole about it.

One day, my boyfriend sat me down. He was somber. I honestly thought that someone in his family had died! The moment had come. Before he had a chance to speak, I put the poor bloke out of his misery.

I explained that I was pansexual, and that I knew who he was. I showed him my old emo MySpace. Suddenly, he remembered who I was! We had a good laugh about it.

We’d both done the exact same thing to each other: kept quiet just to not rock the boat. Sums us both up, really.

We’re still together and happy. I plan to ask him to marry me on his birthday next month.