Time To Get Some Sexperience Points

, , , , , , , | Romantic | May 7, 2018

(At home, my significant other is playing a medieval-style video game. I’ve just gotten out of the shower and am walking back to our bedroom to finish getting dressed when he updates me on what’s happening in his game.)

Significant Other: “Hey, baby, I just f***** the princess!”

Me: *laughing* “That’s awesome, hun. Want to do it again?”

Significant Other: “Nah, I don’t think I can get back to that part of the game again, because it’s story-based.”

Me: “Uh… Babe…”

Significant Other: “What?”

Me: *raises eyebrow, looks down at towel covering me, looks back at oblivious fool*

Significant Other: “Oh. Well, then…” *races me to the bedroom*

Queen Of The Dead

, , , , , , | Romantic | May 6, 2018

(My anatomy and physiology class has started cadaver dissections, and although the professor is on hand to help or answer questions, he tries to let us do as much of it as possible. When a student accidentally nicks his palm with the scalpel, the professor ducks out of the lab to help him disinfect and bandage it, and since I have to change my gloves anyway, I take the opportunity to text my boyfriend.)

Me: “Warning: unsupervised undergrads with scalpels.”

Boyfriend: “It’s important to stab someone first to establish superiority.”

Me: “Nah, [Classmate] managed to stab himself with no help from me, which is why we’re currently unsupervised. My superiority is already established by my ability to properly wield the tools of dissection. I rule as Queen.”

Boyfriend: “Enjoy your reign of the land of corpses, and for any potential mutineers, threaten that they shall share the fate of the unwilling subjects of evisceration!”

Me: “The dissection cadavers donated their bodies to science, though; they’re not unwilling.”

Boyfriend: “Oh. Well, enjoy your stint as the queen of the dead things, then! Stir-fry tonight?”

(This counts as normal for us. He may be The One.)

You May Be An Idiot, But You’re MY Idiot

, , , , | Romantic | May 4, 2018

(My boyfriend and I are texting about a stupid way he injured himself. As we’re saying goodbye, because he has to leave, I say:)

Me: “I love you, too, idiotic boyfriend.”

Boyfriend: “I will always be like this.”

Me: “You won’t stay an idiotic boyfriend forever.”

Boyfriend: “You’re right; I’ll evolve.”

Me: “Into?”

Boyfriend: “From idiotic boyfriend into idiotic husband.”

Me: “I was thinking corpse, but husband is good, too.”

A Vampire And A Vulture

, , , , , | Romantic | May 2, 2018

(I’m 20 and have just had an appendectomy, but I also went in hypokalemic, so before they discharge me they want to check my blood. This happens around six am, so I’m very sleepy. The phlebotomist looks like he is about 40 years old. I should also add I hate my blood getting drawn, and I am NOT a morning person.)

Phlebotomist: “Good morning! I’m here to draw your blood so we can check and make sure you’re good to go! Might I say, you are very pretty!”

Me: “Um… Okay?”

Phlebotomist: *turning to my mom* “Might I be able to take your daughter on a date when she is recovered?”

Mom: *stunned*

Phlebotomist: “Don’t worry; it’ll be after she is recovered. My wife divorced me a few years ago, and I think she—” *meaning me* “—would like me very much.”

Mom: *trying to be nice to the man with a needle in my arm* “Well, sir, we aren’t from this area. She just had emergency surgery, but we live somewhere else.”

Phlebotomist: “That is no problem. I can come visit when she is feeling better.”

(At this time, he is done drawing my blood, and stands there waiting for confirmation, never addressing what I think.)

Mom: “Sir, it’s very early, and I think my daughter would like to go back to sleep. I don’t think it’s going to happen.”

Phlebotomist: *to me* “What do you say? Would you like to go on a date?”

Me: “No. Bye.”

(Thankfully, I was discharged that morning.)

When Do We Not Need Chicken Nuggets?

, , , , | Romantic | April 30, 2018

What My Husband Said: “Thank you for putting up with my shenanigans.”

What I Heard: “Thank you for putting up with my chicken nuggets.”

(I tell him what I heard.)

Husband: “You need sleep, my wife.”

Me: “Or maybe I just need chicken nuggets.”

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