Manage For Years To Come

, , , , , | Romantic | December 6, 2017

My husband works in a different town and only comes home on the weekends. He’s been doing that for over ten years now, and I am completely in charge of our seven-year-old son when he’s not around.

Last month he decided he needed a bit of time off, so he took a month of vacation; he’d accrued three months’ worth of days off to use. At the end of the month at home, he said to me, “You know, I’m glad I had this time off. Now I know you can manage our son all by yourself.”

Really? It only took him seven years to figure that out?

For The Love Of Pod!

, , , , | Romantic | December 5, 2017

Me: “You folded and put away my laundry? Who are you and what have you done with my real girlfriend!?”

Girlfriend: *starts to cough because she has the flu on top of hay-fever*

Me: “No wonder you’re sick! You’re not my real girlfriend at all! YOU’RE A DECOMPOSING POD PERSON!”

Girlfriend: “So… Want to have sex with a decomposing pod person?”

Plan Ruined By A Single Response

, , , , , | Romantic | December 4, 2017

(I am a teller at a bank. An elderly man comes up to my window.)

Elderly Man: “Hello, there.”

Me: “Hi, what can I do for you?”

Elderly Man: “Are you married?”

(Older customers tend to be chatty, so I’m used to this line of questions.)

Me: “No, I’m not.”

Elderly Man: “Are you single?”

Me: *getting slightly weirded out by the way he’s looking at me* “Yes.”

Elderly Man: “Do you have a boyfriend?”

(At this point, I’m just ready for him to go, and I’ve finished his transaction.)

Me: “Yes, I do.”

Elderly Man: “Oh, too bad. I was going to kidnap you.” *calmly walks away*

(Apparently having a boyfriend means I can’t be kidnapped!)

This Is Not A Normal Relationship

, , , , , , | Romantic | December 3, 2017

(My classmate has a new boyfriend whom she already adores. For the purposes of this story, I feel that it’s important to mention that she is a white girl, and this is her first interracial relationship.)

Classmate: “He is such an amazing guy! I can actually see a future with him! I swear, I am going to marry this guy and be the mother of his children!”

Me: “Wow, that’s really neat, and I’m happy for you!”

Classmate: “Yep! You’re looking at the future Mrs. [Ethnic Last Name], here! Oh, but our kids are going to have normal names.”

Me: *mildly shocked* “Wait, what do you mean by ‘normal’ names?”

Classmate: “You know, just normal, traditional names, like John, Sarah, David, Amanda, etc. We’re not giving them [Ethnicity] names.”

(I just couldn’t continue this conversation with her. But I have developed a tremendous amount of respect for her boyfriend, who is still with her to this day, and has shown an equally tremendous amount of patience for her.)

Diving Into The Deep End Of Double Standards

, , , , , , | Romantic | December 2, 2017

(I’ve recently graduated and have returned to my old pool job to pay off some student debt. A lot of my coworkers are younger, and they sometimes like to gossip about office romance. I stay out of it, but this one time I have to step in. Note, both [Coworker #1] and I are female, while [Coworker #2] is male. At the time this takes place, no one is in the pool, so we are doing some cleaning jobs.)

Coworker #1: “I can’t believe [Coworker #3] already has a new girlfriend. He and [Coworker #4] only broke up last week. It seems to soon.”

Coworker #2: “Did you know that he was seeing [Coworker #5] on the side up until he met this new girl?”

Coworker #1: “What?”

Coworker #2: “Yeah, he does that a lot. It wouldn’t surprise me if he has someone new in week or two.”

Coworker #1: “How does he get all these girls? He treats them like crap.”

Coworker #2: “Hey, it’s not his fault. The girls make it too easy for him.”

(At this, both [Coworker #1] and I stop and look at him.)

Coworker #1: “What did you say?”

Coworker #2: “Well, it’s beyond his control. The girls are making it too easy for him to get dates and he can’t help himself. It’s not his fault really.”

Coworker #1: “Do you even realize what you’re saying?”

Coworker #2: “What? I’m just stating the facts—”

Me: *interrupting* “I’m sorry; are you really saying it’s the girls’ fault that he’s an a**hole?”

Coworker #2: “What?”

Me: “You’re saying that it’s the girls’ fault that [Coworker #3] treats them like crap.”

Coworker #2: “Oh, no, I was just saying that they are making it too easy for him.”

Me: “So, he’s exempt from blame and allowed to treat girls like trash because they give him a chance?”

Coworker #2: “Oh, no, I didn’t mean it like that.”

Me: “What did you mean, then? Especially when you said, ‘He can’t control himself; he can’t be at fault, really.’? Or even when you said, ‘The girls make it too easy for him.’?”

Coworker #2: “I just meant… I… uh…”

Coworker #1: “Dude, she’s got you there.”

([Coworker #2] got a good lesson on double standards that day.)

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