It’s A Normal Human Condition(er)

, , , | Romantic | August 4, 2017

(It’s tough to get any adult privacy in our household with small children. My husband and I finally get some intimate shared shower time, including using some conditioner for lubricant, when I have a lightning bolt realization.)

Me: “So THAT’S why we always run out of conditioner before we run out of shampoo!”

This Relationship Is A Train-Wreck

, , , | Romantic | August 3, 2017

I am teaching English in the Czech Republic with my boyfriend. After talking me into moving overseas he is hating living there and I am loving it. We are invited to a party with a few other teachers and a bunch of other students.

After 15 minutes (of watching me have a fantastic time), he insists we leave and go on an impromptu road trip to Germany in the shitty little car he insisted we buy while we are there.

As soon as we cross the German border we come across a set of railroad tracks with the border bars coming down. He is confident we can beat the train and against my screaming for him to stop, drives the car under the bars.

The car stalls on the tracks. As we watch the train blaring toward us I am furiously trying to unbuckle my broken seat belt while he is trying to start the car. At the last minute, he makes it.

After thanking God we made it alive, I promised god I would dump him, and I did.

Trying To Date Sheldon Cooper

, , | Romantic | August 2, 2017

(It’s early in the evening and there’s only one guest, a woman in her early twenties, but soon a guy around the same age comes in and takes a place at her table. Since it’s very quiet I involuntarily overhear their conversation from the bar I’m standing at.)

Woman: “Hey, honey; how was your appointment?”

Man: “Crazy! That new doctor asked me if my Asperger’s is diagnosed! Can you believe her?”

(The woman bursts out laughing.)

Man: “What?!”

Woman: “You remember that time before we started dating and I asked you if you want to come to my place and watch Iron Man? You declined because you don’t like superhero movies…”

Man: “A guy can miss a cue once in a while.”

Woman: “You do realize that I’d been desperately flirting with you for almost a year at that point?”

Man: “WHAT? You were?!”

(I somehow think that new doctor was onto something.)

Not Anal About Phrasing

, , , | Romantic | August 1, 2017

(I was chatting with a coworker, and she mentioned another coworker of ours has a crush on her.)

Coworker #1: “Nothing against [Coworker #2] as a person, but I could never go out with him. He’s not my type.”

Me: “How do you mean?”

Coworker #1: “You know me. I’m pretty laid-back, and he’s an anal type. I don’t do anal.”

(I knew what she meant, but she paused, and then nearly fainted from trying to restrain her laughter.)

Coworker #1: “God, why did I say it that way?!”

Your Mission Is To Be Quiet

, , , | Romantic | July 31, 2017

(My boyfriend and I are sitting in the living room, waiting for the bedroom to cool down so that we can go to sleep, since our summers can get pretty hot down here. I pull out a notebook to work on some writing while my boyfriend starts up a game.)

Boyfriend: “Will you be able to work if I have this on?”

Me: “Er… no, not really. I can go into the bedroom, though.”

Boyfriend: “That’s okay. I’ll just put it on mute.” *after a few minutes* “Dang it! What’s my mission?”

Me: *looks up and realizes his problem* “You’ll need to put on the subtitles.”

Boyfriend: “Oh, right.”

(He changes the settings and resumes his game without incident, until…)

Boyfriend: *starts narrating what the characters are saying*

Me: “What’s the point of subtitles?!”

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