Puss In Boots… But With A Mouse

, , , , , , | Romantic | August 23, 2020

My boyfriend and I are helping my parents and a couple of aunts and uncles clean out my grandma’s old house so we can put it on the market. Since my grandma’s cat died a few years ago, she’s switched to using mouse traps, which just aren’t as effective, and we’ve been finding periodic mouse nests in the basement and attic.

As an unexpected bonus, my family offers that if my boyfriend and I want any of the stuff that’s been left behind, we’re welcome to it; anything we don’t take is getting donated. Since we just moved in together, we’re still working on setting up a household, and we happily amass a pile of pots, pans, tools, bookshelves, books, and, my favorite find of the day, two pairs of cross-country skis and poles. One pair of boots is too small for him, but the other pair will just about fit me, so when we take a break for lunch, I take them outside to check the condition.

Me: “They look pretty good! I’m guessing the mice found them, though. Once I empty out the mouse beans, they should be fine.”

Boyfriend: *Laughing* “Mouse beans? That’s a very polite way of putting it!”

Me: “Huh? What do you mean?”

Boyfriend: “Mouse beans? Definitely the cutest way of describing mouse poop I’ve heard.”

Me: *Laughing, too* “No, I’m being very literal. Here, look.”

Sure enough, the left ski boot was full of perfectly clean, dry pinto beans that the mouse must have stolen from my grandma’s pantry and cached for winter! Once my boyfriend got over his surprise, he had a good laugh, and the boots were in perfect condition, not a shredded corner or piece of mouse poop to be found. Apparently, mice follow the “don’t s*** where you eat” rule!

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Our Chief Weapon Is Surprise!

, , , , , , , | Romantic | August 21, 2020

In the time before the plague, my husband and I used to be avid convention attendees. It was fun, both to dress up and see others in costume, and wherever we go, we always bring a digital camera with us, just so we don’t fill up our phones completely.

One year, on the third day of a three-day convention, we were on the signing floor, and my husband was waiting in line for a celebrity that I was not a fan of. Instead of waiting in line, I elected to go to the shop floor, digital camera in hand. On the way there, I spotted a trio of cosplayers dressed up as Monty Python’s Spanish Inquisition and got their permission to snap a picture. I (purposely) never got around to telling my husband about it, and it was quickly buried by pictures of other costumes.

A week later, after we had both gotten home, my husband was going through the camera with a friend while I was working on something else in the same room. It was very rewarding when the running commentary that accompanied each picture suddenly stopped, and my husband looked over at me in surprise. “Well,” he said, “I wasn’t expecting this.”

Best prank I’ve ever pulled.

This story is part of our Best Of August 2020 roundup!

Read the next Best Of August 2020 story!

Read the Best Of August 2020 roundup!

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You’re Gonna Want Popcorn For This One, Folks

, , , , , | Romantic | August 19, 2020

I am a wedding photographer. Usually, my wife comes along and assists me, but for this wedding, she says she has plans to go home and visit with her parents. When I get there, the groom keeps looking at me with an odd expression. I figure he is just nervous, so I do my job without comment.

At the reception, he approaches me.

Groom: “Hey, thanks for coming out today.”

Me: “No problem. Thanks for the work!” *Laughs*

Groom: “So, your last name is [My Last Name], right?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Groom: “Do you know [Wife]?”

Me: “Yeah, she’s my wife.”

Groom: “Oh. I thought you might be related. Is she here?”

Me: “Oh. Um… She usually comes along but she was busy today. Did you guys go to school together?”

Groom: “No, no. We dated a few years ago, right before [Bride] and I got together.”

Me: *Awkwardly* “Oh, okay. I don’t think she’s ever mentioned you.”

Groom: “Yeah, it was, like, five years ago. No big deal.”

The DJ calls the groom to the dance floor.

Groom: “Anyway, thanks for coming out!”

I finish the reception and go home to find my wife sitting on the couch, watching TV.

Wife: “Hi, honey. How was the wedding?”

Me: “It went well. The bride was beautiful. The groom was [Groom].”

My wife goes very still.

Wife: “Oh, that’s nice.”

Me: “Yeah. You know, it’s so weird… He said you dated five years ago.”

Wife: *Laughs nervously* “He’s obviously confused. I wasn’t even there!”

Me: “He asked about you by name.”

Wife: “Well—”

Me: “Get the f*** out of my house.”

We had a long, loud argument about her affair. Apparently, the groom knew my name because they were still in touch, and my wife hadn’t really gone home to her parents; she just didn’t want to be at the wedding and risk seeing him. Our divorce was finalized as soon as legally possible and I have zero contact with her.

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Learn It And Learn It Well

, , , , , , | Romantic | August 17, 2020

My partner and I had a quick registry office wedding last week as our real wedding has been rescheduled to next year. We are now in the process for adjusting to being sort of married.

In conversation, my partner says something cheeky and I GLARE at him in a mock-aggressive warning. Something occurs to me, so I pull the expression again and point at my face.

Me: “Hey, [New Husband], what’s this?”

New Husband: “It’s… your face? Being annoyed?”

Me: “No, it’s a strong wife-eye signal.”

I love being married.

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Best To Just Let It Happen

, , , | Romantic | August 14, 2020

My wife and I are watching a video about entitled people. The story we are watching is about how someone scammed his great aunt with dementia into signing over her inheritance. 

Me: “Jeez, that poor woman. How can you prevent something like this happening?”

Wife: “I’m not sure; they said everything went legit.”

Me: *Joking* “Well, I won’t have much to leave behind, so if I’m going, I’ll create a quiz. The one who knows me best will get everything!”

Wife: “Ah, so that means I will have a chance. Anything I need to know about?”

Me: “No, that wouldn’t be fair. But what kind of questions should be in the quiz?”

Wife: *Deadpan* “Oh, I’ll help you with the questions.”

My wife has a wonderful poker face. She won’t tell me if she’s joking, either.

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