CE-Oh No!

, , , , | | Right | June 24, 2019

(My father is the CEO of a high-end food store chain. He is known to fly around the country working as a bagboy in certain stores. Today he is at a store near headquarters while my mom and I are shopping.)

Customer: “No, no, no! You are doing it all wrong! You do not bag like that!”

Father: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “You idiot, you are a horrible bagboy. You nearly broke the eggs I just bought. I ought to have you fired! I am the assistant manager—“ *while showing his badge* “—at [Store several miles away] and I am going to complain to your manager.”

Father: Bu—“

Customer: “At my store, my employees all work their hardest and if they do one thing wrong, they get their paycheck cut in half. You idiots should consider that!”

Father: “Is that so? I should report you.”

Customer: “What are you going to do? Complain to the corporate scumbags? They won’t care what you say. I am better than you and all bagboys at your store.”

Father: “Well, I can proudly say that the corporate office does, in fact, care about the little guys like bagboys. Want to know how I know?” *shows the customer his badge, which clearly states “CEO”*

Customer: “Uh, sir, uh. I was… uh… just kidding.”

Father: “Oh, really? No, don’t think so. Go to [His Store] and tell [Manager] you just got fired by a ‘corporate scumbag.’”

Getting Bitten By A Radioactive Crab Would Suck

, , , , | | Right | June 24, 2019

(I’m on vacation in Scotland, visiting an aquarium. We’re getting some info on lobsters and crabs from an employee. I’m deathly afraid of spiders.)

Employee: “Here we have the king crab. Let me get one out of its tank.”

(He takes a huge crab out of the tank, and I jump back a few feet in horror; the thing looks just like a giant spider to me.)

Employee: *still holding the crab* “Er… Something I said?”

Me: *slightly panting* “No, it’s just… eh… Can you put that thing back?”

Employee: “Oh… okaaay…”

(He puts it back.)

Me: “I’m so sorry, but I’m deathly afraid of spiders, and apparently, that fear includes everything with too many protrusions.”

Employee: “Oh, I see. Hmm.. never heard of arachnophobia that includes fear of crabs. That’s a new one!”

(Later on, I hesitantly approach the tank to take a closer look. I come to the conclusion that when it’s underwater it isn’t so bad.)

Employee: “I thought you were afraid of it?”

Me: “It’s okay when it’s just sitting still, I guess.”

Employee: “You want me to take it out again?”

Me: “DON’T YOU DARE!”

Defies Every Prints-iple

, , , , , | | Right | June 24, 2019

(A woman comes in, looks around for a few minutes, and then comes up to the register with a printer she clearly didn’t have before.)

Coworker: *over the radio* “Stall her. I’m coming up to the front after checking the printer stock.”

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I want to return this printer. It doesn’t work with my computer.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Customer: “I mean the d*** thing doesn’t work! The cable doesn’t fit!”

(This printer, like most sold today, doesn’t even come with the cable. My coworker has noticed a missing printer from our display and is on the way up front.)

Me: “Are you talking about the USB cable? The universal printer cable that should work with all printers?”

Customer: “Don’t sass me! I want my store credit!”

Me: “Ma’am, the printer hasn’t even been opened yet.”

Customer: “Well, f*** you if you don’t think I could retape it!”

Me: “It’s the same tape as it was first boxed with. Not to mention you didn’t know about the USB cable, which is both not included with this printer, and standard for every printer and computer for years.”

Customer: “GIVE ME MY F****** MONEY!”

(She took a swing at me and was immediately restrained by my coworker, who she looked to outweigh by about fifty pounds. The police soon arrived and dragged the customer out the door kicking and screaming.)

A Brush With A Monster

, , , | | Right | June 24, 2019

(I work in a beauty store that sells hair, makeup, skincare, and bath products. I have been complimented in the past on my friendly service and my willingness to help customers. A lady has come in asking for good-quality makeup brushes that aren’t too pricey.)

Me: *showing her our selection of lower-priced brushes* “I have had good luck with the [Brand] brushes, and they are a lower price point, as well.”

Customer: “These brushes are s***. I have used them before. What else do you have?”

Me: *pointing out another brand next to the brushes I just showed her* “These ones are nice, too. I have heard many good things about them.”

Customer: “Those aren’t what I’m looking for.”

Me: “Okay. We have many brands and types of brushes in the store, so I am sure we can find you something. What kind of brush do you have in mind?”

Customer: “Ones for eyeshadow.”

Me: “Do you prefer the fluffy ones for blending, or the stiffer ones for application?”

Customer: *getting exasperated* “I don’t know! Just show me what else you have.”

(After showing the customer all the brands in the store that are of okay-quality and cheaper than others, she still was not satisfied with any. They were either too expensive or not of good enough quality.)

Me: “Some brands are a bit pricier because they are of better quality. The same holds true with many products. I have showed you the makeup brushes we carry that are lower prices, but maybe it wouldn’t hurt to splurge on a brush that you might be more satisfied with.”

Customer: “I should not have to pay that much for a f****** eyeshadow brush. That’s ridiculous!”

Me: “I know that some are out of the price range that you are looking to spend, but we do guarantee all of our products. If you try it and don’t like it, you can bring it back to us.”

Customer: “I live all the way in [City]. I am not coming back here to return a brush I don’t like!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I have showed you all the brands that are in your budget range, and none are what you are looking for. I am not sure how to help you.”

Customer: “You people are supposed to be helpful! I came in here looking for something, and you are just going to turn me away?!”

Me: “That is not my intent. I am just not sure what it is you are looking for.”

Customer: “I am looking for a good makeup brush that is cheap. Apparently, that’s too much to ask.”

Me: “I apologize, but I have already showed you all the inexpensive makeup brushes in the store, and none are to your liking. I wish there was something I could do for you.”

Customer: “You know what? Fine! This is the worst customer service I have ever gotten! I’ll look somewhere else where someone might actually be able to help me!

(She stormed off and gave me the finger as she left.)

The Customer Is Always Right – Except When They’re An Employee

, , , , , , | | Right | June 24, 2019

(I am the front desk manager at a hotel, and I recently hired a new employee to work the front desk. He has only worked two three-hour training shifts so far but it is already obvious that he is not going to work out. While he seems to be learning our reservation system easily, the guy has zero customer service skills and is incapable of following even the simplest of directions. He needs to be guided by the hand like a child in everything he does, no matter how many times he has done it. I’ve already told my boss that if I don’t see any improvement at his next shift I am going to let him go and start holding new interviews. This is the afternoon after his second shift. I stop in at a fast food restaurant to get supper for my kids and me when I hear a commotion at the front. A group of young guys are making a scene and harassing the cashier. The ringleader of the group happens to be my new employee, still in his uniform and name tag.)

My New Employee: “Look, [gay slur], you may not realize how things work in the real world but the customer is always right! I told you I want a [burger from Competitor] and I don’t care if it’s not on your menu. You will figure out how to make one and you will sell me one!”

Fast Food Employee: “I’m sorry, but I can only punch in what is on the keypad. Like I told you, the closest thing we have is [Signature Burger], which has similar toppings, but we don’t carry the sauce they use. You could—“

My New Employee: “NO! We’ve been through this. You’re not going to make me look like an idiot in front of my friends! I know I’ve ordered this before. I’m not stupid. I know you can, so just shut up and do your job or get me someone else who can!”

Fast Food Employee: “Well… Okay, let me get my manager and maybe…”

My New Employee: “Holy f***! Really?! Just punch the f****** order in and make my burger happen! I know customer service! I know what it means to please your customer and do your job properly. Now, punch in the burger that I ordered; I know you have a button for it and I expect to be heavily discounted for all this trouble! God… you young people today. I would never hire someone like you at my company.”

(I’ve had enough, both because he’s holding up the line and making me wait, and also because I can’t believe I almost let someone with this kind of attitude serve my customers and work with my staff. The manager, who has been stuck at the drive-thru this whole time, finally has enough and comes over to deal with the situation, but I can’t help myself and step in.)

Me: “Hey, [My New Employee], so, uh, what kind of pull do you have exactly? What kind of authority does six hours of receptionist training give you in the ‘real world’?”

(He turns and looks at me as though he is going to say something when a look of recognition flashes on his face and he immediately goes pale.)

My New Employee: “Oh, uh, hey, [My Name], I was, um… trying to teach this guy about customer service just like you taught me. You made me understand how important it is and… uh… I’m trying to help him, you know? I really love my job and all, and I really need my job so uh…” *chuckles* “…yeah.”

Me: “Look, I don’t care what resolution the manager gives you here tonight, but you can drop off your uniform and name tag at my office tomorrow morning. I’m not going to have somebody with an attitude like yours serving my customers. Now, please, do us all a favor and go to [Competitor] to get your burger like any normal person would do and let the rest of us get our food so we can get on with our lives and pretend that you don’t exist.”

My New Employee: “Wait, why do I have to drop off my uniform? Do you guys, like, wash it for us?”

(Some people laugh, and his group of friends groan and start to leave.)

Me: “Really? Dude, you’re fired. When you go out in public with our uniform on, you are representing our company, and I will not have you making us look bad. Please go home and take those clothes, drop them off tomorrow, and don’t ever speak to me or come near our building again.”

My New Employee: *stands there quietly as he begins to realize what has just gone down and then starts to cry* “Oh, man. Oh, man! I can’t believe this! No!”

(I ended up getting the employee discount on my order, and I made sure to leave a nice tip for the young man that was getting yelled at. The guy did drop off his uniform and tried to ask for a second chance, which he didn’t get.)

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